Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the HxH franchise
A/N: Okay, so I'm really sorry about this one. I did not mean to write this feelsy mess. I am a monster.
…..
Killua Zoldyck was stupid. He decided this as he lie in a puddle of his own blood, his body rapidly dropping in temperature. He had been too sure that he could take whatever "trap" that the sniper had spoken of. He had been too cocky when talking to the octopus. He had let the game of darts go on for far too long.
But above anything else, he was foolish to leave Gon. He just had to warn the towns by himself. He wasn't quite sure why he wanted to complete the task alone. Of course he wanted to protect his friend- something he wasn't quite sure that he could do if the boy tagged along. But a small part of him wanted to feel important to the overall mission. A small part of him wanted a task that was specifically for him. Something that only Killua could do.
He knew that Gon was stretched thin between worrying about Kite and worrying about Palm. So Killua never exactly resented his friend for forgetting about him. Especially since he lacked any proof to defend that undesired thought. Still, Killua couldn't help but believe that he lacked a purpose for being by Gon's side other than to hold him back from doing something that he might regret. He couldn't help but feel that Gon couldn't care less whether he was there at all so long as Kite and Palm were okay.
So Killua took on this mission of going to towns alone. Partially because he wanted to protect his precious friend. But also because he wanted to prove to said friend that he could help with the greater mission at hand in his own small way. He wasn't so sure if he could do much to bring Kite back (for Killua was not as naïve as Gon and knew in his heart that the man was long dead), and he had little hope that Palm was safe. So he would do what he could and save the lives that he could- the lives that Gon had forgotten about in his heartbreak and angst.
But Killua was foolish. He was foolish because he thought he was able to pull off a feat that only someone like Gon would be capable of doing. He was foolish to think that he would be able to save everyone. He was foolish to think that he could not only save them, but that he could then make it back to Gon in order to protect him and to continue on with the plan.
Yes, there in that dank cave, where the headless bodies of two Chimera ants lie, and where the former assassin's body lay several yards away, Killua decided that he was foolish to think he could ever be like Gon. He was foolish to think that he could ever be in the same light. He wondered faintly if any of the townspeople had actually listened to him or if he'd just wasted his time. He was sure that Gon would have been more insistant. Gon would have made them listen. Killua had been in such a panic that he was sure no one had believed him. But that didn't matter now, shouldn't matter, to the young Zoldyck who was bleeding out on the cold ground.
His thoughts were getting disoriented, his heart growing unbearably loud in his ears. Would they continue with the plan without him? He and Gon had agreed that he would initiate the communicating between the two of them. Would Gon be worried if he failed to call him? Would they look for him? Or would they continue on with the plan as previously discussed, just without him? Selfishly, a small part of him wanted them to drop everything in search of him. He wanted to know that Gon still remembered his existence. No, that he still valued Killua's life. But a greater part of Killua wanted to cry out- to tell his friend not to waste time looking for him. He wanted to tell him that stopping the selection was of a much greater importance. That saving Palm and Kite would be of more value than saving him. Yes, the plan could go on without him. They would just need to re-organize the groups. As long as Gon wasn't left alone with Pitou, as long as someone was there to protect him, it didn't matter what happened to Killua.
That was what the boy with the white haire stained in blood told himself as he shuddered, taking very labored breaths. The blood flowed freely from his wounds and he absently wondered what would happen after death. Reincarnation? Heaven? It was the type of unknown that could create the greatest adventure, the sort of adventure that Killua and his best friend often went in search of during the duration of their friendship. Killua frowned knowing that this would be one adventure that he would going on without his best friend. The thought of being alone scared him. There was also the persistent nagging feeling that no good fortune could come to an ex-assassin in the afterlife. He struggled to hold onto reality, already gasping for breath, his vision fogging.
"G-Gon.." He gasped in vain, wanting desperately for his friend to hear him from wherever he was. Wanting desperately for him to save him somehow. Save him from what would most definitely be certain hell for him. After all, he had killed more people than he could count. He needed to atone for those sins. Tears filled his eyes, knowing that there would be no help coming for him. Even if someone did come looking for him, it would likely be days before they'd find him- and by then it would be much, much too late.
In the end he'd failed. He'd only wanted Gon to care for him as deeply as he cared for him. He'd only wanted to be light in Gon's eyes. He'd only wanted to always be by his friend's side and to be something more- more than a killer or a monster. He wanted to be someone worth caring about. But laying on that cold ground, his shaky breaths echoing soundlessly throughout the cave, Killua realized that he was foolish and that he had failed. There, as he took his last breaths, unheard by the world, he realized that there was no place in the light for someone like him- someone so filled with shadows and darkness.
….
"Killua!" Gon ran through the woods, screaming his beloved friend's name for the umpteenth time. The selection would begin in under forty-eight hours and there was still no word from Killua. He cursed under his breath, knowing that he didn't have the vaguest idea where Killua could even be. He was off warning towns but he could be anywhere in the surrounding area. The boy had managed to track his scent for quite some distance, only to lose it completely.
The boy struggled to force any negative thoughts out of his head. What if one of the ants got to him? No. Killua can defend himself. He wouldn't let himself get taken down. But what if he was caught? Killua's careful. He wouldn't be caught. What if he slipped up? Gon squeezed his eyes shut. Killua doesn't make mistakes. Not like that, at least. He can do this. Then why hasn't he called?
Gon pushed further, screaming Killua's name louder. He ignored his phone's insistent ringing. He ignored the ache in his feet. He ignored everything that was not Killua. He should have paid more attention. He shouldn't have let him go. He should have tried to contact him sooner. If anything had happened to Killua, Gon knew that it would be his fault for neglecting his most precious friend. How he had been so stupid and single-minded to only be focusing on his own personal goals. Never had he asked Killua if he wanted to go with Kite to NGL (though Killua had freely volunteered, Gon knew that he was only doing it for Gon's sake). Never had he asked Killua if he wanted to go back to the NGL to save Kite (who Gon knew in the back of his mind was most likely gone). Never had he ever asked Killua anything. Killua simply went along with nearly everything Gon had suggested. And now he could be in danger because of a plan that Gon didn't think to question because of his single-mindedness.
Gon didn't want to think of the realistic reality. The reality that if Killua was okay, he would have called. That he would have come back by now. Gon refused to think of the possibility that his best friend was likely dead- though he knew full well that that was probably the case. He refused to think of a future without Killua by his side. Because a future without Killua, was unbearable and lonely. And Gon was afraid of being alone. He was afraid of knowing that the one person who cared about him more than anything would be gone and that it would be his fault. He was afraid of facing an uncertainty without that boy with the bright blue eyes that could hold so much sadness, yet so much hope at the same time.
So he ran. He screamed. He tried calling Killua's phone again and again, unaware that somewhere, miles away from where he stood, that phone continued to ring upon deaf ears, echoing throughout that damp cave. Eventually the phone died and would go straight to voicemail when the boy would call.
It was days before Gon came upon the smell of death. By then the plan had been carried out without the two boys. But Gon didn't care. What he cared about, what he truly dreaded, was the stench coming from the hole in front of him. He knew that he needed to move, but his feet seemed to be glued to their spot near the edge of a cliff as he stared at the hole in the ground. He couldn't move because he knew, he knew who was down there. And though he no longer recognized the scent, for the process of decay had already started, he knew that it was his best friend.
Hours passed before the boy was finally able to move his feet to the edge of the hole. His body trembled as he willed them to jump into the cave. When he got to the bottom, he looked around, hesitant. He was afraid. More afraid than he had ever been in his life. There was a part of him that wanted to run, run far away so that he wouldn't have to face this. But he also knew that he owed it to Killua to stay and to find him. He couldn't run from this. So he looked, with fear in his eyes. He covered his mouth, holding back a heaving gasp as he spotted the gore surrounding the headless ants. Blue blood had leaked from their exposed necks leading to their heads lying haphazardly a few feet away. Though that sight was nothing compared to the gruesome sight just a short distance away. This time, the boy did throw up.
There lay his best friend, in a puddle of red. Blood was caked along his ghostly white skin. His once bright eyes stared dully toward some distant place. The air wreaked of death and decaying flesh- a rotten smell that continually churned Gon's stomach as he gazed at the boy that was once so filled with life. It was moments before Gon let out a horrified scream, a cry that ripped from his very soul. For Killua was dead. Gon's life, his friend, his light, was extinguished, never to be ignited again. The boy in green squeezed his eyes shut, covering his ears, chanting over and over again "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real…" He tried in vain to drown out the smell or to imagine Killua sitting up and making some sarcastic remark about him taking so long. He tried desperately to be anywhere but there. But still, as sobs and screams ripped from the boy's mouth, he knew that this was very much his reality. He knew that he was in hell.
And there in that cold, dark cave, whatever innocence had remained in the boy with the chocolate eyes was destroyed. There the boy sat, holding the body of his best friend, until he eventually joined him again. There, almost a month later, the two were discovered by the Hunter's Association.
…
"Ne, Killua?" Gon looked at his friend, a soft smile on his face as they sat on the edge of a cliff together. The white haired boy frowned and looked at him.
"Yeah?" Gon smiled wider.
"Let's stay together, okay?" Killua blushed furiously, causing his friend to laugh. The former assassin smiled softly, despite his blush.
"Sure, Gon. Forever."
"Promise?" Gon held out his pinky and the boy beside him gently hooked his own around it.
"Promise! We'll always be together. Forever."