Summary:
Author's Note: We don't own Naruto or Tremors the series. It's a story Balto31 and I are working on together. So what would a Tremors story be like in Naruto's P.O.V.? Sit back and enjoy.
Warning: There will be crude humor and multiple murders throughout this mystery. Anybody feeling queasy can read at their own pace.
Ninja Tremors
Chapter 1: I'm Bored
(On a rented vehicle, who knows where, Perfection, Nevada: Naruto's P.O.V.)
Ugh, if it got any hotter I could probably fry an omelet on my face. Couldn't the sunset where Neji and Hinata were sitting instead of beating down on my blonde head? Okay, so Tsunade-baachan had enough of Clarity's near death mayhem encounters to last a lifetime. I swear, Baa-chan yells at Clarity almost as much as she yells at me and she's like what, 22? The last time she was here she beat up Tora the cat and yelled at that cat's owner who happened to be the Daimyo's wife. Heh, it served the damn cat right though. I'm the oldest genin in my village to go after that thing and the evil furball even tried to scratch my face off . . . Again. Whelp, never get between a disgruntled artist and her green tea latte, dattebayo!
Meh that's just the recap of why, we're going on some stupid drive to a desert out in the middle of who knows where. I think Clarity called it Neigh-Vah-Duh or Nevada or whatever. So anyway, we're in some car on a dirt road in Neigh-Vah-Duh heading to some town called Perfection where the only scenery is sand, sand, dead trees, sand, sand, more rocks, and oh yeah some bushes. I swear it was so exciting playing Eye Spy with Sai. He picked up this one pamphlet at a Gas Station written as "Survival for Green Horns by Burt Gummer." Well it was either Eye Spy or listen to Sai prattle on and on like some paramilitary paranoid trigger happy drill instructor. Seriously, when Sai starts to try impersonating people it's funny at first yet creepy. He already did a good crossdressing impression of Ayame and that's just creepy. Something about it didn't look right.
"I spy with my little eye . . ." Sai began scanning around for . . . Stuff.
"Tree!" I sneezed.
"Actually, Naruto, it was a cloud," Sai mentioned is his cheesy cheery voice.
"So what," I scoffed, "There's nothing but dirt and crud anyway."
Everyone just gave me that look that said what's-wrong-with-you. I gave a wilting look in return. Yeah the only other reason we got dragged along, well at least not them, as for me I spent the last 48 hours literally being dragged kicking and screaming by a vengeful Sakura, was because Clarity's best buddy Murray suggested we go see a giant worm! Shino was actually trembling in excitement! He volunteered, and suggested as punishment Clarity fills out all the paperwork. I mean what is this, a field trip? Gai and Lee decided to drag his team along for survival training. I tried to invite Sakura or maybe Hinata you know as a date, and Sakura had to tell Sai all about it; which bites. Gai signed everyone up for some stupid survival school. I mean it's not like I'm moping anyway.
I did get to sit next to Sakura in the back seat behind Clarity's driver seat. Kiba rode shotgun sticking his face out the window like such a dog; feral grin too. Akamaru was bouncing up and down in the middle of the car before settling for a nap. Hinata and Neji had the backseat behind Kiba and didn't seem to be discussing much. Neji was meditating, man if I sat there then maybe I'd have someone easier to annoy. Sai just doesn't get it and at least he had Tenten to play Eye Spy with in the back-backseat behind Hinata and Neji. Chouji's in the back-backseat behind me next to Shikamaru who's asleep and drooling all over Choji's beefy shoulder. I can't annoy Chouji much because the last time I called him fatso was at the car rental place. We got a good deal on a vehicle and the dealer lost a whole building, believe it! Man I feel sorry for Shino though. He gets to sit between Gai and Lee in the back-back-backseat during their little man hug session. I've never seen Shino tremble in all my life. Everyone was busy except for me; I was so bored even Kyuubi, that old Fuzz-fart in my gut, decided it was high time to take a nap. Oh man, I was willing to do anything to get some attention.
"I'm bored," I whined.
"Naruto," Sakura sweetly chimed in.
"Bored, Bored, bored," I whined banging my head against the window.
". . . Naruto . . ." Sakura quipped, she was already getting this neat vein popping on her large forehead in the reflection of the rear view mirror. It's . . . so . . . huuuuge, it's like a worm crawled across. I mean the vein, not her humongous forehead.
"bored, bored, bored-bored-bored-bored-bored," I whined. Yeah I'm 17, old enough to know better and I don't give a Dane! ". . . bored . . ."
"Naruto," Sakura growled, cracking her knuckles, forced grin splitting her face in half. Yeah I know all the warning signs. Sakura-chan was getting that scary glare. She was pulling on her black gloves to fling me out the roof of a moving vehicle. If I weren't so bored out of my skull. I might've saved my own life.
CRUNCH
SKREEECH
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wind howled between my ears. I could see the van shrinking. I flip forward. Something orange coming in really fast. It's coming . . . Coming . . . Coming and . . .
KA-TONG
I just crashed into a sign. A stinking orange sign! Oh man, the thing tastes like dirt and here I am twitching around trying to get the feeling back in the bottom half of my body. So my rump fell asleep while sitting in the car. Now my head hurts from getting launched through a metal roof; big fat deal!
It took a good squeeze to pull my head out of the hole in the sign but at least I fell out in one piece. That was barely a flick of the wrist compared to the other times Sakura-chan had hit me. Heck if she hit me any harder, maybe I'd have been by Perfection, Neigh-vah-duh by then and not have to have been so bored. I couldn't help but snicker the sign looked so stupid. I rolled on the floor laughing at it's stupidness. I can remember exactly what the stupid thing said.
Entering
Perfection Valley
(There's a hole where the o for Perfection got replaced by my face)
WARNING
Extreme Wildlife Danger
Stay on pavement at all times
Permit required for all . . .
(There's too many things to list Dattebayo!)
Pictures of stick figures doing stick stuff with some mutated bug in each picture lined the bottom.
"I . . . I don't get it!" I screamed out loud, loud enough for an echo, "WHAT KIND OF WILDLIFE WOULD BE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"
During my hissy fit, I failed to notice a foot hill moving its way toward me as if the noise I was making was drawing whatever was burrowing underneath closer. I ran to the left. The foothill moved right. I ran to the right the foothill moved to the other side. We had this comical little goose chase going on for what felt like three hours till I had enough running around.
"All right that's it," I muttered, "I'm not going to find that damn vehicle running around like this."
I pulled a few hand signs, my personal favorites, and shouted, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu"
POOF-POOF-POP-POOF
The thirty mile desert radius filled with 50 different look-alikes. Each clone kept shouting, awaiting orders. I hopped upon the sign giddy at my own handy work. This way things would be a lot faster now. If two heads are better than one then fifty heads are fifty times better right? I'm such a genius.
"All right fellas," I shouted, "Let's get moving!"
Fifty clones went running all over the desert. Twenty got dispelled as soon as a giant foothill started moving. Of all times to get hit with a flashback. Images the dispelled clones sent me were disturbing. How many times does a tentacle have to wrap around some poor clone's foot and drag him under. Maybe the mental stress was getting to me. I didn't know. All I was watching was a little foothill doing figure eights while my shadow clones went running all over the desert.
(Meanwhile at a power wagon by a Bunker in Perfection, Nevada)
A famed face walked the dimly lit concrete walk. Burt Gummer, wiped the sweat sweltering upon his balding brow as the lip beneath his light brunette mustache twitched a little . . . Into a gaping disbelieving frown. The aviator sunglasses hid his disbelieving eyes as he scanned the radar screen for the most horrible thing he'd ever seen. He turned the seismograph on and off. It was happening again, and again, and still happening yet again. He smacked the machine upside its screen and muttered under his breath about Health Care plans covering government conspiracies. He fumbled around on the hunting vest where he kept his radio until he remembered he kept it in the back pocket of his camo-desert army duds.
"Tyler this is Burt do you copy," Burt stated in monotone his authoritarian voice with a rare waver.
"Sure this is Tyler reading you loud and clear," blared the voice called Tyler upon the radio, "What's got you spooked Burt?"
"I don't have a clear affirmative," Burt toned, "What I've got is El Blanco doing figure eights outside of town."
"Uh . . . Come again," Tyler snickered, "You're saying you've got the little white X on your seismograph is going round and round in some . . . infinity sign . . . onscreen? You're joking."
"Negative," Burt growled, "I never joke and I'm driving out there right now!"
Okay . . . This was getting me nowhere. Out of the fifty clones I created, 30 got dispelled. So that meant there were 20 running around like headless turkeys screaming. I still hadn't figured why that giant foothill kept following them. Oh well, it never crossed my mind to stay put.
"Or it could be that dangerous wildlife that the sign talked about," snickered Kyuubi in the back of my head, seriously now that I've separated his chakra from his evil will all he's been left to do is be this annoying little voice in my brain, kind of like Jiminy Cricket on Prozac without all the happiness. Don't ask me why, we haven't been on "speaking" terms since forever. It's a pain when part of you doesn't quite listen to you, ya know.
Hey Fuzzfart! Why are we not speaking again? I ask Kyuubi, The Nine-tailed Fox thrashed his bony head in anguish.
"I've been stuck in someone's belly for nearly 136 years. I was under that puny Uchiha's control for 20 hours. My only time of freedom was nearly 2 hours before I got sucked into your gut." growled Kyuubi, "You could've just let me go about my merry way kicking your scrawny neon orange hinny but nooooooo -"
. . . Would you like to have spent your wonder years in a pot?
The only reason why Kyuubi shut his muzzle was because a chamber pot, would've been his only jail if he got loose. Personally I'm glad he didn't get loose. That would mean I'd be dead. I'd miss out on being Hokage. My friends would be heartbroken and Clarity? Well let's just say Clarity Cratchet would bash death's door down just to bring me back if the reaper let her. As would everyone else, except maybe . . .
GRRRRAAAAWWWWWWWNNNNNNK
Ah man, what was that noise? It sounded like Tsunade Baa-chan's pet pig TonTon when Baa-chan threw her out the window just to see if she could fly!
Now for something fun because it's funny and a good giggle is worth it.
Naruto's 10 Things Not to Say in a Car
1. Are we there yet?
2. It's too dane hot! In fact it's so hot you can fry the Pillsbury Dough Boy on Chouji's face without the butter!
3. My butt's asleep! You think maybe if I bounce up and down in the seat I'll get some feeling back in my butt?
4. Clarityyyy, turn down the vibrate on your cell phone. It's so strong I can feel it through the floor. . . Wait . . . That's just me; my butt's still hibernating.
5. Hey Sai, here's a curve, there's a curve, Woah check out the curves on that lady! No, Sakura I don't mean you. I meant the chick on that Billboard.
6. Quit laughing Sai! It's not funny!
7. singingThis is the song that never ends . . .
8. Sexy no Jutsu! "Do you want fries with that?"
9. Ow! Sakura-chan quit hitting me! I only said you hit like a girl!
10. I'm so BORED! Bored-bored-bored-bored-bored-bored-bored-bored-Ow! Sakura-chan stop that!