Something I found in my folder. Written way before Christmas 2008. Thought I could share it.

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This is kind of odd, to write a fic about an awkward honeymoon night.

It does not contain any lemon scenes in it. I just damned myself with this…

Rated for words and concept, not lemon (I guess).

Warning: Contains what my friends here would call 'Boy Humor'. I am so going to fight for my right to say it's not 'Boy Humor'.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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Many people believe that once they have fallen in love and have fallen down in the middle of it, they lose their ability to love again or to love consistently. I'm still waiting for anything that will prove those people, including myself, wrong.

The serenity that was supposed to relieve and satisfy me led to revulsion. Conclusively, it was sickeningly quiet, even for myself.

Turning to the occupied space beside me, she didn't seem like such a despicable mass for now. Under the moonlight, she even seemed to beat the moon herself. With all these lights silenced, with all the crickets mute and with all the world asleep like her, I'm supposed to be glad that I finally have some peace after countless years of arguments, tantrums, dilemmas and nagging we went through. I'm supposed to be glad that the biggest burden I carried in my life is finally shut up.

But how could I think of her in that way right now? She's dreaming, probably not even of me. I've lost my every right to hate her. For tonight, I had the permission to adore my new wife at a close range. I had the privilege of holding her close now. I had gained, at last, the right of the husband.

Still, here I am, itching to move an inch closer to my blanket-clad Ino. But my fingers are iced, my legs have fallen numb, and the shudder in me dropped my sweat like snowballs in the middle of summer. Some hoodwink made me hope to this point. I used to dream of this moment so much, back then, when I still had hopes and a chance.

Now, we were like that tiny number of newly weds around the world: Not really having the time of our lives in our honeymoon.

"Get your hand off of my shoulder, you ass," she growled through the duvet, "I still have a hangover from all the wine you shot me for dinner. I'm so going to aim my barf at you whenever I need to throw up the next time you touch me." Of course, the initial response was to take my hand off her ivory shoulder and sink back on my pillow.

I did not shoot her with wine or spike her drink with rum. She bought the bottles! She said it exactly like this: "Aw, come on, Shika-baby. It's only, like, 52 percent alcohol. What harm could it be, eh? Besides, it's our honeymoon. You know what I'm saying, huh? Huh?" Good lord, Ino, fifty two percent alcohol wouldn't hurt? It's like saying a truck of pork fat wouldn't kill you…

I tried again, hoping to get something out of this night, for my sanity, "Ino," I whispered at her ear as best as I could, "Come on, now, it's our honeymoon. You can't sleep through our honeymoon! We do it once in a lifetime. We're in a snazzy hotel and… and you're not… wearing that thing I bought you…"

"It's cold tonight, stupid," she yawned as she crept closer to her side of the bed, "Hell to that negligee."

"You asked me to buy it!" I exclaimed in exasperation, remembering how the other customers were giving me tips on how to get a good honeymoon while Ino took down notes, "It was because it was purple. The seductive but majestic kind of purple you liked. And it brought out your curves!"

"The lace is itchy…"

"Itchy? Itchy? It cost me more than half of the contents of my wallet and you say it's itchy?" I found it preposterous. How can that flimsy, see-through rag be so itchy? It barely covers her body! I cleared my throat when I realized that I was already raising my voice, "So, what are you wearing?"

She turned to me, her eyes burning with passion… to kill me if ever I disturb her any further. "None of your business, you moron, if I'm wearing nothing. Go back to sleep. I'll see you in the morning, so quit it." And there, she pulled onto the blanket, shrouding herself up to the top of her head. She left me without any of the sheets, exposed in boxers.

Oh, shit, sexy back!

"Damn," I sent a soft slap against my cheek. Why doesn't she make a move, anyway? Konoha rumors about her being a whore. Did the marriage turn the female hormones off of her? Do I have to be a chippy or something? Gawd, I can't understand this woman! On the way here, she was talking about honeymoon babies all day long!

I couldn't stand that, but I can't stand this more!

"What's wrong with you?" I mumbled awkwardly, hoping to figure out if it was female lack of potency hitting her at such a young age. I sure hope it's not, "Are you sure it's the hang-over? Or is it me? It can't be the hangover. You always get drunk. Not once did you give a hangover so much attention till now." I had to be skeptical.

Ino can induce hangovers without under or over-doing it. Damn her.

"Oh, shut up, Shikamaru," she murmured, waving her hand as if to tell him to bug off, "For all I know, you can just take those pills of yours if you want the heat to go down. I'm not in the mood. Let me get some sleep, okay? Good gracious. Men…"

Not in the mood?! Pills?! Heat?! Men?! First, I was seeing things tonight like an uninterested Ino! Now, I'm hearing things! Ino does not say 'Good Gracious'!

I couldn't keep myself from begging for whatever I wanted from her. "Aw, Ino, remember what we talked about before we got here, hm? Do you? You were so hyped about it. Yes, you were. Don't give me that pout! Admit it! You said you were so damn excited for it!" Kami. I was sure that I was like a wolf over his prey. Only, the prey seems like it's not concerned about getting into my mouth.

Ino blinked her sleepy cerulean eyes at me. "Lord. And I thought I was a whore…" If she tells me that she was referring to the swimming pool when she said she was so 'hyped', I'll swear I'll…

"I'm not being a whore!" I yelled, hoping the neighbors wouldn't hear me accurately, "I'm being a good husband! You were always complaining about how lazy I was and all when we were still engaged, don't you remember? And when I'm finally trying to make up for the things I lack, you refuse, saying you'll lather me in vomit if I do!" I gave her my 'Don't-Shit-With-Me' glare.

In response, she cringed. Okay, so I was acting quite demented… "Shikamaru, why do you want it so much, eh? I mean, come on. We're finally married. We can do it any day. Just not now, for the love of Kami. I said I'm tired." Before she could turn away from me again, I took her by the shoulder and burst.

"Ino, I love you with a fervor I can't even understand!" I shrieked, restraining myself from shaking her, "It's our honeymoon! Honeymoon! People expect things to happen in one! They expect you to have a positive in your next pregnancy test! You know our parents' expectations! A blond baby girl or a blue-eyed boy! Come on, work with me!"

A twist in her face came up. "Was there a lot of pressure on you from your parents?"

My lips came into a distorted pear. "Maybe."

Giggling at the answer, she sat up, her head still hurting like a typhoon's eye, "Shikamaru, don't get anything into your head. People can expect all that shit on honeymoon babies and all, but that doesn't mean we have to meet those expectations. I mean, really," she poked my collarbone childishly, winking at me, "Are you ready?"

I nearly blanked out. "I… practice?"

When a face of pure disgust shone on Ino's features, I explained rashly before she could walk out on our marriage before it even started right, "Being a father! I practice being a father! Not… making a baby…" It made her blow a gasp of relief as I sent a nervous smile, "And I asked my Dad about parenting and that jazz I couldn't understand. I think the only word I understood in his lecture was 'aspirin'."

"For headaches? Migraines?"

"Yeah. When the baby's born."

I saw her suck her cheeks in under the darkness. The fact that our parents 'needed' grandchildren was finally sinking in. "Well, do you want one?"

"An aspirin?"

"A child, Shika!"

I shuddered, "I really don't know, okay?"

Then, I saw a lion's glare. Ino's lion glare. The beautiful sparkle in her eyes turned into flames. Flames that swallowed me whole and savored my bones. Her hangover, I could safely conclude, was gone with the wind I passed earlier in bed. "I guess," she mouthed, feeling the dry sheds on the slips of her lips moisten, "the household we'll be living in will become a matriarchal one."

A chuckle escaped my grin as sweat rolled down the hills of my face, "Ah. Matriarchal. When the mother decides, am I right?" I felt myself regretting trying to get Ino to jump on me. Regret it with my life!

"So, I decide," she muttered as she pushed the sheets away, "what we do tonight."

"I thought you didn't want it now?!" I almost cried out in terror. Asuma-sensei mentioned it being normal if the girl is stronger (in that way) than you. They scare the hell out of you. They scare you out of your pants. Very literally. "What about your hangover?"

"Induced," she whispered as she traced the line of my chest with her perfect manicure (I knew it!), "Besides, this is our honeymoon. We can do whatever the hell we want. Plus, we're officially matriarchal." I sensed her breath—minty strawberry—mixing with my after-toothpaste breath. Aw, what the hell. I still can't read her like she can read me.

I realized that women were heavier than I thought, especially Ino, "Do you know how this works?" I could taste panic in my words. Oh my gawd, this is too crazy for me. Just too crazy. Did my Dad go through the same hell when he was newly wed with Mom? I can't imagine. It's too hard to, seeing them all so distant everyday.

She let out a sinister and sure cackle, "Well, I know what to do." And there, she locked my mouth with the keys of her lips, consuming me with her devilish strangling. She was balmy against me as we became twirled into our own vortex. It was embarrassing not to know what to do, where to put what and when to do what. Nevertheless, my sources were right: This feels good.

"W-Wait!" I yelped, making her pull away from me. Gawd, I was beneath! How unfair can this get? And degrading to my manhood, too! "Isn't there a manual or some kind of guide that'll tell me what to do or something? Because I don't know half of what the hell is going on!" Before I could continue my ramblings, she pressed her finger against my sore lips.

For a moment, her eyes beamed at me. The windows to her soul. "Shika, trust me," she said, laughing at my virginity, "Just shut the fuck up and kiss me." And there, she led me away in her arms, holding me captive in a succubus' spell. Ah. Now I remember one of the reasons why I married Ino.

Alright. So this honeymoon isn't so wasted, after all.

Still. I'm horribly mortified. Matriarchal. The household is matriarchal.

I swear I can still hear Timberlake singing. Sexy back... Yeah...

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-quietly reading this- Well, this is crap. –tosses into fire-

Kankuro: -comes in- May I suggest marshmallows?