Gwaine's eyes were skimming over Merlin's sleeping face by the fire.
Gwaine loved Merlin.
From the second his eyes darted toward him in that wretched tavern, he couldn't exactly figure out why, but he was besotted with him.
Not like he's been in lack of a lover at that time. Gwaine knew he was handsome, he knew he was charming and knew he'd a way to woo most of the women and men into a quick ramble if he wanted to.
But Merlin was different.
From the very beginning there was something special about Merlin...something Gwaine hasn't quite managed to put his finger on. Something that makes Gwaine's heart fluttering, his palms dampening, his stomach clenching from longing just by looking at him.
Gwaine has never been emotionally attached to anyone... that is…. not until Merlin.
Merlin is his friend, his only, his closest, dearest friend. But Gwaine feelings are something more than that, something deeper and bigger, to dare him pursue it and risk losing it. His love for Merlin was strong and unconditional, precious and gentle, but it was also passionate and wild and aching from desire.
His reckless, curious, enthusiastic, silly, clumsy, cheerful, easy-going Merlin.
Merlin is funny: he makes Gwaine laugh more than anyone else did before.
Merlin is warmth. When Merlin's sinful lips spread into a wide, unrestrained smile it is so shinning like the hottest sunlight and Gwaine is drawn helplessly into its golden orbit.
Merlin is helpful, brave and loyal to the degree of stupidity and he could be infuriatingly stubborn.
Merlin is the most noble, warm hearted and unselfish person Gwaine has ever known.
Merlin is adoringly naïve but at the same time he is wise much beyond his age.
He makes Gwaine think more, makes him want to be more, to be better as nobody else made him before. For Gods sake, he wanted to stay in Camelot with him, even considered disclosing his nobility in order to become a knight for him; before Uther banished him.
He would climb and leap from the highest mountain for Merlin.
Merlin has Gwaine's utter and complete trust.
To begin with, this is why he found himself in this Godforsaken place to find Arthur on the perilous land. He remembered how his heart was hammering against his ribcage and his stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies from the joy to see Merlin again. Only Merlin would be able to pursue him to go on such a reckless, suicidal quest. But he would blindly follow his stupid, brilliant Merlin everywhere if he asked him, no matter the danger, he would protect him even at the risk of his life.
Because he loves Merlin fiercely. Merlin is….everything.
Most of the time he is trying not to think about him quite so much and by now he's become rather successful with it. But there are times, usually during the nights, well… when he just gives in.
With unguarded fondness in his expression, eyes filled with tenderness, he lets them feast on Merlin sleeping, lump from and drink in the sight before him.
His eyes linger over his is tall, skinny form. Over his sticking-out ears that makes him the more loveable. Over messy, ebony dark hair. Over thick lashes smudged against his beautiful, delicate cheekbones. His eyes: if open, they are very clear and deep and blue, blue like the most beautiful summer sky. His Lips: he drives Gwaine crazy with those pump, luscious lips, they were made for temptation and make you want to ravish them.
Gwaine has had imagined many times how they would taste if he'd slide his tongue along them before sucking them between his own lips for thoroughly devour them. His eyes follow the pale, long column of Merlin's neck and he wonders how it would feel against his tongue, under his lips. His fingers prickle from how much he wants to touch, to check if it's as smooth as he believes it would be if he would trail them along.
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard against the overwhelming need to touch and taste Merlin.
He clenched his finger against the physical pain about not being able to do so.
Because now.. he knew his feelings were unrequited. But Merlin was more precious for him than risk an irreversible ditch and heartache between them, caused by his reckless action.
...
Gwaine resolved to reveal, to make his feelings and hopes clear to Merlin earlier in the evening, without saying much.
He turned his head and looked deep into Merlin eyes, with his heart in his throat , almost defiantly, he told him , ''Not Arthur.'', and he hoped Merlin would understand the underlying message in his words.
And he did.
He could see the surprise mixed with disbelieve in his very wide and very dark blue eyes when he suddenly glanced up, and there was a soft, fond, warm look on Merlin's face as he was watching him and declared rather than questioned. '' It's the same for you.''
It made something flip dangerously in Gwaine's stomach, he swallowed nervously, took a deep, trembling breath as he locked eyes with Merlin and answered. '' I hope so. You are the only friend I've got.''
Merlin turned away with something akin to apology in his eyes before he darted his gaze down to the ground. He raised his eyebrows, apparently feeling awkward and at loss with Gwaine unsaid confession. He glanced up again to meet Gwaine's eyes, a small smile still lingered at his lips when he said teasingly.
'' I'm not surprised.''
A chuckle left Gwaine mouth in return to Merlin words but it was choked, sad and broken.
He felt a twisting ache around his heart, his chest as tight like somebody squeezed the air out from him as he got the message Merlin eyes were telling him. '' I'm sorry Gwaine and please know I do love you. You are very dear and important to me as a friend but I don't share your feelings. I wish it was different, I wish I could love you the way you deserve, but I can't help it- My heart belongs to somebody else.
Gwaine closed his eyes, the pain of loss hitting him once again, like a punch to his gut. With a deep, shuddering breath he steeled himself to say goodbye to his dreams of a day when they would be together, to everything…. what might have been.
Resentment wared with anger inside Gwaine while he was listening to Arthur shouting and scolding Merlin about their appearance as he was approaching them.
The arrogant,royal prat! He should be grateful and thank Merlin for his effort to trying to help his noble ass and not try to yell his head off.
He could still hear their bickering when he reached the room they were in and found himself faced with a wyvern just about to attack the oblivious occupants of the room.
After killing the beast by sticking his sword through it, he stepped into the room and sighed with relief when he saw that Merlin was safe and uninjured.
But in the next second there was a renewed spark of fury rising up inside his chest at the angry words Arthur was throwing at them instead of thanking them to saving his pride, ungrateful, stubborn ass.
'' It's just gets better and better. Are Gwen and Morgana here too? Do you have a surprise party?'' Arthur huffs indignantly.
Gwaine knew his anger was evident on his face; his eyebrow furrowed when he shared an unbelieving look with Merlin.
His eyebrow climbing up, Merlin gave Gwaine a soft, private, exasperated smile, shattering a bit of his righteous fury. For Merlin's sake Gwaine tried to keep a lid on the rage and frustration simmering inside him in regard to Arthur's ridicoulus behaviour.
''There are more wyverns on the way. We need to get out of here.'' he warned them through gritted teeth.
Arthur stood up abruptly and stormed out of the room, huffing and puffing something about his quest.
And it made Gwaine wonder why on Earth is Merlin so wretchedly loyal to this bullying, big-headed, arrogant, spoiled princess, who was just like every other noble he'd ever known.
Merlin put his hands on his hips, rolled his eyes and with a wry grin he shouted after Arthur. ''Do you want us to help you? Or you want to do it ALOOONE?''
...
Seeing Merlin's face split into a blinding grin when Arthur shouted his name, understanding- about who in fact was in possession of Merlin's precious, big heart - hit him with crystal clarity.
Merlin's wide, bright, adoring and indulgent smile, the look of deep affection on his face for Arthur made something twist uncomfortably in Gwaine's chest and he felt a shocking wave of jealousy in the pit of his stomach.
Gwaine couldn't help the bitterness and hurt mounting inside him. And he was also not able to push it back as a climbing resentment for Arthur started to fill him. Arthur who was bestowed on something that could have been-should have been his, what is more, he didn't even appreciate it.
Clearly Arthur had no respect for Merlin, seeing how he insulted, humiliated, barked at him pretty much all time. It was obvious he didn't acknowledge and foolishly disregarded Merlin's precious, unconditional, scarcely deep love and devotion for him.
And despite his own heartache Gwaine's heart broke a little more for Merlin. Because no matter his feeling, he loved Merlin dearly and he wanted him to be happy even if it wasn't him Merlin could be happy with.
He might have had a chance for it, had it been anyone else but Arthur. Arthur who was a Fucking Prince! And there wasn't a flicker of hope, chance zero, that he would ever see Merlin more than a servant or he would ever feel something as messy and real as deep feelings for his foolish manservant.
And then the accident happened and with it came the shocking truth….
Of course Merlin wouldn't be Merlin if he didn't get himself into some trouble.
Inevitably it was bound that he should be the one to step on the stone and then fell into the throne room, cutting himself off from Arthur and Gwaine.
As soon as the door closed behind Merlin with an ominous, loud bang, panic flares in Gwaine's chest. His heart is thudding unevenly and his mind feels frozen, sluggish from fear for Merlin.
"No!" He hears himself shout, his legs moving on instinct, running towards the wall where Merlin disappeared. No. This cannot be happening. Not Merlin.
"Merlin!"
And it surprises Gwaine that the anguished cry is not his own .
'Merlin!' Arthur roars again, thudding his body against the door, his fists pounding on the relentless stone.
There is so much frantic fear and anguish in Arthur's voice that Gwaine stops short and snaps his head toward Arthur. Then he just stands there, frozen on the spot from the shock and disbelieve at the scene before him.
The certainty, cool haughtiness and arrogance Arthur'd displayed earlier are gone as his mask broke in his despair.
He is slamming his fist desperately into the door, again and again. He keeps shouting Merlin's name with growing, frenzied misery in his voice. '' Merlin! Merlin! Merlin!...'' He is putting more and more force into the blows every time he punches, like he could tear down this unpenetrable door with the sheer force of his will and his blows.
After a long time later Arthur's body seems to exhaust itself. His legs gave out and he fell to his knees, a hand pressed to his chest like he wants to staunch a wound. His face is pale white with pain and angst. His chest is heaving and he is gasping for breath.
He drops his fore head against the stone; his whole body is shuddering. He is placing his trembling palms on the stone, next to his head, like he could touch Merling through the thick wall.
When Gwaine looks down at his knuckles they are bloody and swollen from the force of his punches.
''Merlin. Merlin. Damn you. '' Arthur wispers against the door and the sound comes out cracked, raw and broken. '' Damn you, Merlin, you idiot. Why do you keep doing this to me?'' His voice crashes as tears start to flow down his face.
And there is so much pain, loss, heartache, anguish and longing in Arthur's voice that Gwaine has to look away because he feels like an intruder. He knows he was never supposed to see Arthur in a state like this: so raw and hurt, without his defences, his deepest feelings so exposed over his love and fear for his manservant.
While Gwaine is in no doubt about how much Merlin means to him, he finds himself beginning to realise and understand- just how much more he means... to Arthur.
And when they finally managed to open the door and get inside- the tender look Arthur shares with Merlin, the strange, deep love these two idiots have for eachother-which seems to be oozing out of every pore of them as they are beaming happily at the other- makes Gwaine realise: He has never had a chance.