Stay

by kuraokamiko

Ranma is finally breaking down and giving up under the pressure. RanmaMu Tzu shounen aiboys love, it's a songfic, OOCness, sad, dark, POV.

Title: Stay
Authur & Email: DC James/Kura Okamiko (x . dcjames . x gmail . com) (remove the spaces)
Archived: DC James' Hideout (kuraokamiko . wishing-blue . net) (remove the spaces)
Fandom: Ranma 1/2
Part: One-Shot
Type: Songfic
Warnings: Songfic, OOCness, sad, dark, POV... I think dat all.
Summary: Ah... a very disturbing fic about the character this story is centered around is finally breaking down and giving up.
Pairing: Surprise. Not much of a surprise, but humor me all the same. Onegai?

Written On: 26 December 2000
Edited On: 11 September 2006
C&C is welcomed.

oOOo
Stay
oOOo

All rights and privileges to Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Viz Communications, Inc., and associated parties. The characters of this series are used without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

The song, 'Stay (I Missed You)', is copyrighted to Lisa Loeb and her band and others who helped in the production and creation of the song. Also used without permission for the purpose of entertainment with the story.

oOOo
Text:

:words: Thoughts
(words) Actions within Speech
words Exaggerated Words
oOOo

It's sad, really, seeing how we've got so much in common. I could have done more to help you. I won't hesitate to admit I've had my faults. You'd blame me for the common cold if you could. I guess that's part of your charm. Hn, I must be royally screwed up. After all, a 'man amongst man' shouldn't be homosexual, ne? Maybe I could still be considered in mom's ideals of myself if I say I'm bi. I doubt it, but it's the thought that counts.

I knew about my preferences before I met you, and since dad's so homophobic, I tried to keep the revelation from him. Until I met you, though, I was doing a great job. No one had worked their way through my defenses like you had. You broke down every wall to my heart and made yourself nice and cozy... then you broke it.

I'll admit it was mutual in a way. I hate you, you hate me. I love you, you hate me more. See the pattern? I often wonder if hate was all you feel. Sure, even after Ryoga1, Shampoo2, and Ukyou, I'm not used to having people jump at me, screaming for my blood. Especially when I don't know them.

Don't go saying it's a just a teen fag thing or a problem caused by the curse, I'm sick of getting those excuses. I have never once had a dream about a girl before, I've never looked at a girl with interest twice, hell, after I found out Ukyou's real gender, I lost interest immediately. You gotta admit, she'd make a great guy. But I really doubt you swing that way, so I like to speak up for you to humor myself right now.

I never tried to take anyone or anything from you. I don't know why those deceitful, damn women always try to convince me I love them. How the hell am I supposed to love them when I'm in love with another, and I don't even like girls! They're weak, short tempered, and once sentence worded wrong can leave you in a whole world of pain3. I at least want someone who I know can hold their own if they need to, and you're stronger than you let yourself believe. I'm not stupid, unlike popular belief, I just stay 'naive' to pay attention. Underestimate me and that's the last mistake you'd ever make of me. You were different. You were humiliating, blunt but avoiding the point, but you had serious skill that shouldn't be brushed off like most people have been doing. You gave me a run for my money, if I had any left that Nabiki didn't take.

I guess it's appropriate for me to sit here now, alone in the Tendo house. I already left notes for the family and Genma, explaining. See? You and I are still so much alike. We'd do anything for honor, but mine has been slowly breaking apart since I left home with the fat bastard when I was five. So if I can't uphold what little honor I have left, why go on?

Sure, I could go ahead and marry a Tendo: Akane can be sweet in her own way when she's not getting kidnapped every five seconds and hitting me during the rest of the time. Kasumi could be a great wife if I only knew I wouldn't have to save her from any kind of attacks. Nabiki... she scares me. Also, isn't a loveless marriage not honorable? Which would be worse: Ignoring the engagement claims or getting married when it's a one-sided affection? C'mon, I know you can answer this one, buddy. You've been deluding yourself so much over that broad, I'm not really surprised you haven't noticed my own affection towards you.

The floor is cold, I can feel it even through my clothes. The house is very quiet, I can hear my own heartbeat and the drip of my blood on that greedy, icy floor. I tempted myself many times, satisfying my despair by dancing with death. But I wasn't being foolish, I've known for a long time the correct way to cut my own wrists. I was just waiting a little while to see if you'd notice. Someone did, but it wasn't who I wanted. I don't think I ever saw pig-boy turn so white. Maybe reality did a fatal blow, thanks by yours truly, and he realized that when he wants revenge with my death, he better mean it. Maybe that's why he hasn't been fighting me much except to spar. It's disturbing, but who am I to talk, ne?

I'm alone in the house tonight. Have I already said that? I can't remember, my mind is getting fuzzy. My eyes are just watching the growing pool around my wounded, limp wrists, my bangs covering the top of my half-lidded eyes. Heh, ironic, ain't it? The all might Saotome Ranma, who never backs down from a challenge, does himself in because he fell in love with a man who hates him. Now that is just plain pitiful.

I wonder briefly what you will think after I've been found, slumped dead here in the bathroom with a bottle of sake to numb the pain. Of course, if closer inspection is done, they might curiously note that I didn't open it. I only have it in case I got scared and wanted to disgrace myself more by drinking it. You might be happy, knowing my damn luck. Or maybe you'll have a serious case of warriors compassion. You were always like that, caring for others even if they were only your part time ally and full time rival. Or maybe I'm just seeing things I want to see just to keep myself going. Can't do that anymore, and since you're not here to take up defense, I'm going to just let my imagination soar.

You might even wonder what might have caused me to resort to killing myself. I hope you don't blame yourself. Truly, I don't, and I doubt you will, but I could be, yet again, wrong. I've been wrong too many times to count, so what's one more scratch by my name, then? I hope you don't think I'm trying to frame you or mar your own name by killing myself with a weapon of yours. I just believed that, of all the people wanting to kill me, if I had to die, I wanted it to be by your hands, or, at least, your weapons. Remember this one? It's one I snatched from you during our first battle. I've kept it as a sort of remembrance.

It's getting darker and colder, but the pain is fading. It wasn't much at first, but any emotion I had about suicide is gone. It's surprising how much at peace you can feel once you've actually done the act and now waiting to die. Oh, I assure you, I have a vast imagination and lots of ways to do myself in. You might even be surprised, but I hardly ever see you surprised in the first place. Poor Kasumi, I'll bet she'll be the one stuck cleaning up my mess. One regret I have, dying here, and I can't help but give a dry chuckle at the thought. Did I hold my life as so meaningless that when I'm here, left to my thoughts, bleeding to death, I feel regret for leaving a mess behind? Whoo... I wonder if you had some kind of poison on that blade, cause right now I'm surprised Elvis doesn't pop up and does the Macarena.

Hmm? I thought I heard something. Don't know, I'm too tired to really give a damn. I don't see why I should, really. For once in the last ten years, let me have peace. It was all I really wanted, all I thought that I at least deserved for putting up with that overgrown jackoff for all this time. I'm not asking asking for the pain to stop; that's just a bonus side effect to keep in mind. If I died, everything would be so much easier for everyone. Oh, I hope you don't have that shocked look on your face, even as cute as you look with it, it wouldn't be befitting. Yes, even I can get depressed. I just do it so rarely that I release it immediately when I'm alone and I never have any reserves like Ryoga does. He holds on to his anger and that makes him bitter. I let it go and try to survive another day of hell. Who'm I to preach about hell? I'm not stuck as a damn animal and I'm sure as hell ain't stuck in that Kami forbid mansion with a crazed sister.

I remember screaming. It wasn't from my throat, and it sounded too feminine for my male form anyways. I close my eyes, but it was an unconscious act. I'm tired, and I want to sleep. I really wanted to look up to see who's face I would see last before I passed on. Rough hands grab my shoulders and shake me roughly while smaller, more delicate hands try to press something to my wrists. Too soft to me a towel or any kind of wrapping, so I'm guessing clothing as a futile attempt to stop the bleeding.

I look up slowly, my head lolling from side to side. Gentle hazelnut eyes look at me with worry and horror. Hmm, I would smile if I had the energy. That's the first emotion I've seen in Ryo-chan's eyes other than hatred that has ever been directed to me. I know those eyes well, I've seen them often enough when he's thinking about Akane. I often wonder why I didn't fall for Ryoga. We never really have anything against each other. Oh, yeah, now I know why. Before he and I started to become friends again, I already fell for you4. Boy, love sure isn't too far from hate, is it?

I wake up from voices talking to me. I think I fell asleep, but an insistent voice keeps yelling at me at close range, and I fight the urge to use up the last of my energy and life force to slap the shit out of the person who woke me up. I can hear ambulances coming close. I slid my eyes open, and my breath catches.

They, or Ryoga, at least, must have thought calling you guys would help. Maybe you would know how to stop bleeding quicker than the old-fashioned put-pressure-on-it way. Man, I love your eyes, so deep and full of emotion. Is that sadness I see? Compassion? Maybe I was poisoned. The glasses don't hinder you at all. If anything, they make you look more intelligent, parting you from the idiot looking males of your village. You smile to see I'm awake, are those tears in your eyes? Maybe you were worried about what Shampoo would do to you if I did die under your care. You press me close, rocking me gently, reassuring me with sweet nothings. Oh, I'm going to be all right, all right. If I'm lucky, I've lost enough blood that they won't be able to save me. Stay with you? That's a laugh; you never stayed with me, did you, Mousse? Begging? It's sweet, but it gets you nowhere, speaking from personal experience. Why.

Why?

Of all the stupid questions, you ask why I did it! Ooh, right now I wish I wasn't dizzy from blood loss, I'd punch you into the stratosphere! Well, now I know how my fiancés feel when I turn them down or say something stupid! Oh, but hurting you would only give me temporary contentment, and I would later feel bad for hitting you, and the cycle would start over again. You're pulled back and some strange men, the ambulance, start to work on me. It feels strange, really, being half way there and half way... somewhere else? Really, like you think you're drugged out or concussed. Something is slid into a vein in my arm, and I notice it's a blood drip. Oh, how wonderful, they have my bloodtype. Just my luck, really. Friggin' dee doo da, I think I'm entering Lala land again.

Nope, even better. This is me unconscious.

It's been almost a week since Ryoga and Akane found me trying to kill myself, and it's been two days since I came back to the dojo. I'm under suicidal watch for now by the family, the care they're giving is unsettling. Okay, so I went psycho for a night, at least I didn't kill anybody, right? Ryoga hasn't gotten lost the entire week, saying he was too worried about me to leave. Hah! Oh well, it's a kind gesture. Ukyou's been a regular mother hen, until, finally, Kasumi--yes,Kasumi--kicked her out and demanded I get rest. I'm stuck sleeping with Ryoga in the guest room since he's such a light sleeper in case I 'try anything during the night'. I love the trust factor here, don't you?

I haven't seen the Kuno's yet, but I will tomorrow, since I'm going back to school. Akane said she's been stalling them, which translates into lying and beating them up. Go girl5. And you...

I can't really say. Cologne says if I need anything to go to her, but I'm really not sure what she means by that. Does she mean, 'If you need great painkillers instead of those pills from the hospital that makes Tylenol look more like Morphine' or 'If you need someone to talk to'. She sure can be vague. Shampoo hasn't even been looking at me, I'm sure that makes you happy.

And you're also ignoring me when I come by once and a while. You stay in the kitchen and cook the orders, mumble a hello, and then completely forget I'm there. I guess things will never be the same again. That may be a good thing, but with you, I doubt it. It'll get worse. I know it. After all, I'm Saotome Ranma. Fate is always against me.

OWARI

Footnotes:

1 BWAHAHAHA! Did you think it'd be a Ranma/Ryoga story! Sorry to disappoint you!

2 For most of the Ranma crew, they use slang, or say 'Shampoo' because they don't know how to properly pronounce it. So, while I call her Xian Pu to her Great Grandmother and Mu Tzu, everyone else, other than the Amazons, call them 'Shampoo', 'Cologne', and 'Mousse', while I, myself, refer to them as 'Xian Pu', 'Khu Lon', and 'Mu Tzu'. I'm sorry for the confusion, but this is a force of habit that started from a bad dream of ducks, cats, and a pogo-ing sunakake baba.

3 Okay, this one I have to agree that I would beat the shit out of Ranma for if the situation was different. Still, he's depressed, angry, heartbroken, dying, and it's 6:45 in the friggin' morning and I haven't been sleeping more than two hours in the last forty-eight. My crankiness is slipping into the story.

4 Ranma didn't consider himself and Ryoga anything more than plain rivals/friends when they were in Junior High. They were just reaching puberty, probably, so what do you expect?

5 If you don't know, this is a mixture between sarcasm and his futile attempt to cheer on his fiancé.

Author's Rants: Soo... what do you think? Tired, Holiday depression and being stuck in a house with hyper-active cats with plenty of tempting things to throw/kill/strangle/stab/etc. them with and not being able to do it. Anyway, give me insights, I want to know if this depressing piece of junk is worth continuing or if it should be well left alone. I already have something in mind for a brother fic to this one, but let me know first if you liked it.