Pursuing Mary-Sue
By CircusGirl
Authors Notes: Well. I have returned. My old pseudonym was 'Socksy' but due to a cruel fate, I was banned. I assume. Basically, my account was deleted with no actual explanation. I was very angry but, alas, I had one more chapter in my story 'In the Name of Love and Bad Fanfics'. Somehow, I doubt anyone will have remembered it so I edited the first paragraph. Consider it a new story. I hope to torment once more with my careless writing. Rahhh!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The most accepting and challenging of all the magical schools in England. The school has seen it's fair share of challenges (Tri-Wizard Tournament, Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore's death etc) and has came out of them all, still looking good. But now, the school has a new, more difficult challenge. What is the challenge, you ask?
Mary-Sue.
Yes, that's right. An American Exchange Student had fallen out of the skies and straight into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm unsure whether this is a pleasant change from Hagrid and Dobby's life story or a bad one. However, it is most certainly a horrible thing anyway. You have been warned. Escape now, while you have the chance.
It was a sunny day inside the walls of Hogwarts. Students chatted animately at the tables in the Great Hall, exchanging gossip ("Goyle and Crabbe are my OTP!", "What the hell are you talking about!"), pretty much the usual. Until..
"Students! Silence! I would like to introduce you all to a new student from America!", Professor McGonagall shouted suddenly, throwing a fork at Ginny Weasley when she continued to talk. After this startling revelation, the students lapsed into chatter once more. Harry, Ron and Hermione (who had given up on the Horcruxes after hearing about Voldemort's bike-related death), stared at each in confusion.
"What is this America she speaks of? Sounds definitely foreign!", Harry said loudly, looking to both Ron and Hermione for answers. Ron nodded but Hermione looked thoughtful.
"I think I read about such a place once. On the other side of the world; it's a continent and a country. Infact, I find it rather ridiculous that a school full of teenagers would be surprised to hear of the most renown country in the world", Hermione said in a clinical voice. Harry and Ron nodded then turned back to see the 'new student'.
Suddenly, the room was full of gasps as the new American student entered the hall. Her hair was as blonde as the yolk of an egg, her eyes as blue as some blue paint and her skin as tanned as a piece of wood. She was wearing a plaid skirt and a tight fitting blouse and had curves that all the girls admired and all the guys ignored because they were all gay-- I mean, yeah, they liked her curves. Or something.
"Students, this is Princess Rain la Flower. Yes, I too was shocked to discover an American Princess in our midst but whatever. She happens to be an excellent Seeker, is cleverer than Hermione Granger, can play Chess with her eyes closed, can see Threstals, can talk Death Eaters out of Death Eaterhood, can bring back the dead, she's a seer, she's part veela and doesn't have the nasty side effects, she has a Japanese Phoenix, she's the Heir to Gryffindor, can kill people with her mind..", McGonagall said, reading off a long piece of parchment that had been handed to her.
Several hours later, this was starting to get a bit boring.
"..she has a pet dragon, she's dated Viktor Krum, she's a Phoenix animagi and pays House Elves. And to conclude all this, we will sort her now. Bring forth the sorting hat!", Professor McGonagall called and the whole hall sighed with relief. Princess Rain la Flower swooped over the stool and sat down as the hat was placed upon her head, but not before bursting into song.
Hundreds of years I've done this job
But never have I seen
Quite a girl, just like this
The perfect human being
I've sorted snakes, I've sorted rats
I've sorted Harry Potter
But sorry kids, I have to say
This girl is by far hotter
You may think I'm just a crackpot hat
But listen to my advice
Belittle yourself for this girl
And later she may be your wife
Now I must end this merry tune
And put this girl in a dorm
Forget reasoning, I know what I'll do
This girl is from now Gryffindor!
"Well that sucked", Harry muttered, yawning and turning away,"that last stanza hardly rhymed at all. It's losing it's touch". Several students murmured in agreement; little did they know that in a matter of hours, they would all be under Mary-Sue Rain's control. Cue suspense music.
Draco Malfoy suddenly stood up and strode over to Hermione Granger. Many students wondered why Malfoy had returned for the year considering he was wanted for attempted murder, treason and all that stuff but no one cared enough to sell him out. Besides, he was useful for Mary-Sue stories.
"Hey Mudblood, your blood is made out of mud!", Draco Malfoy said waspishly, sneering since that's the only facial expression he can do. A few students gasped in surprise - who would have guessed that Draco Malfoy disliked muggle-borns? Hermione started crying in a comical fashion but Harry and Ron didn't dare defend her in fear of Draco Malfoy's fiery wrath. Fortunately, Mary-Sue jumped in.
"That's not nice!", Mary-Sue Rain said, striding over to the Gryffindor table and glaring at Draco Malfoy. For a second, Malfoy almost looked as if he was going to curse the girl but the next second, he was under Mary-Sue Rain's spell and the damage was done.
"Oh, I apologise. I was unaware that insulting someone could be considered offensive", Malfoy apologized sincerely. Mary-Sue's eyes glowed purple and a few people gasped.
"That's okay. Oh, and my eyes change colours to reflect my moods", Mary-Sue explained. This unusual (if not pointless) skill impressed many of the crowd that had surrounded her. Everyone gasped and nodded, a few even fainted. Nothing more surprising than finding changing eye colours in the midst of a magic school, afterall.
'Omg, she's so hot.. why am I thinking in chatspeak?', Draco thought, gazing lovingly at Princess Rain who was completely oblivious to the stares she was receiving. Draco Malfoy noticed that Harry and Ron were staring at her the same way and scowled (and sneered). Not that Ron was any competition. HE HAS RED HAIR. Wow.
'I'm so going to get with this girl.. forget Harry and Hermione.. she's so great..', Ron was thinking. But, of course, he had forgotton he had red hair which immediately ruled him out as a candidate. Oh, and he was poor. He wasn't rude and obnoxious, he didn't have a scar on his head and he was not perfect at quidditch. Imperfection is looked down on in the eyes of a Mary-Sue. Sorry, I'm rambling. On with the story..
"With Hermione, Lavender and Parvati all in the Gryffindor seventh year girls dormitory, I'm afraid we don't have any room for you, Rain. So I'm going to go ahead and defy logic by putting you in with Seamus, Dean, Neville, Ron and Harry", Professor McGonagall called out to Mary-Sue Rain. She nodded and did a curtesy which would have looked stupid had anyone else done it.
It was to be an interesting year. And by interesting, I mean stupid.
CircusGirl: You missed me. Even if you didn't know me, you missed me like hell. I rock. You'll also find this story on LiveJournal under the alias of xspiral.