*** 1 ****
- Tuppy's in the soup again, Jeeves, - I said ensconcing myself in the Chesterfield.
- Not an uncommon situation, sir.
- He himself insists he's in love, but every sensible person would call it the ugliest bouillabaisse a chap can get into.
- Most deplorable, sir.
- I should even stop asking myself where and when he comes across those fillies. His last victim is from the chorus line.
I reached for a gasper. The fire was instantly provided, and I went on.
- Mind you, he's still engaged to Constance, and not two months ago it was that ginger-haired girlie from the cafe. You know, mixing a brandy and soda would be very welcome.
- Certainly, sir.
- What was I saying? - I asked half a minute later.
- You were speaking of Mr Glossop's most regrettable carelessness, sir.
- Precisely, Jeeves. I mean with him being my friend and all, I can't but question myself why the fathers of Britain have not yet started a society of offended dads and given him a good clip round the ear?
- Their actions could be justified by court's decision, sir.
- I mean, how can one be so flippant and switch so easily from one beazel to another? And even have the cheek to tell all and sundry about their miserable affairs!
- Keats wrote, sir, that heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.
- Dashed true, Jeeves. You for one wouldn't be telling every chap in your club about your love affairs, what?
- I tend to agree, sir. This would be utterly unreasonable.
That gave my train of thought a new direction.
- I wager you must have a story to tell though.
- I'd insist it's not something worth your attention, sir.
- Alright, old fruit. I'm not prying, I just wanted to say it's a bit disgusting being that swift with fillies, don't you find? Devalidates... Devalues your feelings in a way.
- I must say your observations are most correct, sir.
- You wouldn't trasfer from one to another that easily, would you?
I was going to hear another 'Indeed, sir', but I was rewarded with something unexpected.
- My affections have been the same for the past few years, and I would feel completely disinclined to change them, sir.
- Well... You mean you're in love, old chap?
- Quite, sir. The word describes it.
- That cook, isn't it?
- I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.
- Then has to be the waitress.
- No, sir, and I'd object to being asked any further questions on the matter if I may.
- Yes you may, of course you may! But that's bally rummy, Jeeves. When one finds out his valet has been in relationship for a few years!
- There's no relationship to speak of, sir, and most possibly there will never be.
- Why on earth? Did she not reciprocate?
- They didn't have this opportunity, sir, for nothing has been revealed.
- That's dashed odd, I'd say. Why don't you tell her?
- I assure you, sir, I'm quite satisfied with what I have and would hate to impose anything on them.
- That's just ridiculous! Are you afraid of being, you know, spurned?
- I'm convinced of this turn of events should I take any measures, sir.
- Well, I say! You've got nerves of steel, that's the word. I mean, this must be dashed difficult, through the years... - I shuddered. - Hope you don't see this bird too often, because that would, you know, hurt your feelings, what? - I tried to expess the pity I felt for the miserable old fruit and clicked my tongue.
- I'm afraid our encounters are inevitable, sir.
He was still pottering about the room, which was rather rummy given the dramatic conversation.
- Too bad, Jeeves. This sitch must make you, make you, well, suffer. - I said in my most sympathetic voice.
- I really don't know, sir.
- Well, of course it bally does! See here, Jeeves. You can trust me with your affairs concerning any beazels in the metrop for I seem to have more experience than you do. Don't forget I've been engaged and what not.
- Mostly involuntarily, sir, if I may observe.
- That's the point, but if I find someone decent I'll have no hesitation on my mind!
He looked as though thinking I rarely had much on my mind generally but just stuck with his usual 'Very well, sir'.
- I swear to you Jeeves, when I meet a doable filly you'll see the young master won't falter a jot.
By this I wanted to encourage him, but the effect was quite the opposite, if one can judge by a sudden twitch of a brow. And one definitely can, after all these sartorial disagreements.
- Yes, that's the point. I'm not married because I don't want to, but when I find, you know, that special one, I'll get engaged in no time, the wedding bells will ring and in a trice there'll be a house full of children's voices.
I must admit, I shivered visualising this picture, but went on.
- What I'm trying to say is even me, not the brightest and the most handsome chap...
- I beg to differ, sir.
- Oh come off it, as if it wasn't you calling me mentally negligible!
- Sir, I...
- Don't interrupt when I'm talking, Jeeves! And what was I talking about? Yes, even I'd know what to do if I were you, and you being the smartest of all valets fear to approach a girl. Fairly absurd, that's what I call it! Alright, she may be mentally negligible just like me and not return your feelings but...
- One would say it's not a very common thing to concern oneself with one's personal gentleman's personal affairs, sir.
- Golly, Jeeves, don't interrupt, where's all your feudal spirit gone? I'm trying to sort out your personal affairs.
With much vigour I took another gasper, which Jeeves ignited.
- I highly doubt you could help there, sir, with all due respect.
- What you bally need is a piece of good advice.
- If you say so, sir.
I tried to sound profound and to give more meaning to my words started swinging the cigarette.
- If you're positive that what you feel will be unrequited then just drop her! You'll be amazed to see how many nice girls...
- I'm completely aware of that fact, sir.
- Have you tried dating another?
- I'm afraid it proved to be to no purpose in my specific case, sir.
I clicked my tongue again to show I was sorry for the poor lad.
- She must be very special, right, Jeeves?
- I'm thouroughly convinced of that, sir. One might even use the term 'irreplaceable'.
- Well, you got me interested, Jeeves. Can I ever see her because, I'm repeating myself, but I may be of help? You know, giving her some hint of what a paragon you are and all that.
- You are too kind, sir, but I would be most grateful if we dismissed this particular subject, and I'd appreciate even more if you never returned to it and never tried to find out who the person in question is.
- Right ho. - I said and gave him a reassuring smile.
He didn't know I kept my fingers crossed behind my back.