She's doing it again.
Katniss, she's sitting on the sofa, staring blankly into the dancing flames of the fire place. I've told her before, thinking about it only makes it worse. The only way to get through it, is to carry on living as if everything were normal, it's the only thing we can do. However, she's too stubborn to listen; that's to be expected of her, though I wish it weren't. I wish she would just let me in, let me help, let me just be there for her.
No. She won't let me. She won't let herself heal, and I think she feels like she doesn't deserve to heal. In my eyes, she deserves the world and nothing less.
I take a seat next to her and pull her into me, so that she rests her head on my chest; she remains still. I watch as her chest rises and falls with each breath; the way she blinks heavily as she finds herself lost in despair. There's utter silence other than the crackle of the fire and the faint ticking of a Grandfather clock in the next room.
Suddenly, she speaks. "I did it again Peeta...again."
"No Katniss, you didn't do anything, it's not your fault."
"But it is my fault. And that's exactly what I did: nothing. I did nothing!" Her voice grows louder in frustration. "I promised I would keep her safe, I promised to protect her, to protect them!" Her voice begins to crack, "I failed them Peeta...I failed them all."
"No Katniss, listen to me. It is not your fault they died, it's not your fault. You did everything that you possibly could and that's all anyone can ask of you." I say reassuringly as I stroke her hair. "But look where we are now. All those deaths...they mean something, because of you. Without you: their deaths would be just another canon heard in the distance, another face in the sky, another tribute forgotten amongst the many, another death for the Capitol to relish, and another tribute killed for Snow. We may have lost some battles, but we won the war did we not? The world we live in...it's a better place now, it's what they would have wanted."
"I just miss her so much Peeta, I need her and I just want her back...that's all I want." She breaks into sobs, I can feel her whole body shake and I clutch onto her, as if I'm trying to hold her together in case she falls apart.
I can't give her what she desperately wants to make her happy, and it pains me. I feel so helpless and can't think of what to do. So I use words. After all, using words is what I'm best at.
"It is a strange thing, the death of the ones we love." I begin, "We all know that our time in this world is finite, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. It's a terrifying concept."
"Peeta…" she says, the sobs still breaking through her speech, "where are you going with this? If it's meant to make me feel better, it isn't really working."
"-and yet" I carry on, "it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we love dearly. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there actually is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." I pause to let my point sink in.
"I'll tell you one thing Katniss, you're not alone in this, nor will you ever be. I'm here for you, to help you find your footing on that dark staircase, and I will help you get through this: I promise. We can do this together."
"Together?" She says, at almost a whisper.
"Always."