The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been burned to a crisp by a fire breathing pigeon. Just some more madness from my tiny mind.
Frog-Ageddon And Other Disasters
"God I can't believe how bored I am," Archer grumbled as he casually tossed playing card into a wastebasket. He was lying on a couch in the bullpen.
"That's because no one is hiring our agency since the Double Indecency debacle weeks ago," Ray remarked. He was writing something in a notebook at a chair.
"Yeah the Zissners must be working their fat mouths on overtime," Lana sighed as she sat on a chair reading a magazine. "And they're not exactly the only ones."
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
"What do you think she means?" Cyril grumbled as he walked in. "The Nut Incident ring any bells? As well as all those clients Shapiro sent us?"
"Don't forget Mrs. Bradley," Ray added. "The woman who caught us trying to cover up the fact that her husband was attempting to have an affair with Ms. Archer. I'll bet she's telling a few people how unreliable we are!"
"We basically screwed up every assignment for every person that came to us," Lana pointed out. "Not to mention being banned from several places in LA."
"It's been over eight months since we started this detective agency and already we've got a reputation," Cyril groaned as he sat down on a chair. "And not the good kind."
"I'm trying to assess my skills for when I write up a new resume," Ray sighed. "Which I think I am going to need in the near future."
"Come on, it's not that bad," Archer waved. "We've been through worse."
"When Archer?" Lana asked giving him a look. "When we were a spy agency and got shut down for treason? And ended up having to sell cocaine which turned out to be a huge scam orchestrated by your mother and the CIA?"
"Or when we were shut down a second time?" Ray gave him a look. "And abandoned in the middle of the god damn desert by the CIA to die?"
"Third time's a charm," Pam walked in. "By the way where is Ms. Archer?"
"Taking another personal day," Cyril grumbled. "Probably spending what little money this agency has on alcohol and a spa day. Where's Cheryl and Krieger?"
"Krieger's in his Imagniarium of Insanity he calls a lab," Pam shrugged. "And Cheryl's OD'd on glue and groovy gummies again. She's fine, just sleeping it off in the copy room."
Cut to Cheryl passed out topless on the copy machine. And the copy machine was scanning picture after picture of her breasts.
"Anyway we have a problem," Pam sighed.
"A problem?" Cyril said sarcastically. "By my count we have at least a dozen of them. But please inform me which one I need to worry about today."
"Guys I think you'd better watch this," Pam pulled up a video news segment on the screen on the wall. "This came on the news about an hour ago."
"Oh it's never good when the news is involved," Ray groaned.
On screen there was an African-American female reporter in a park. "This is Darlene Love from Jaguar News. Scientists have discovered a surprising find around the city of Los Angeles. Transgendered Frogs. Joining me now for this discovery is the head of LA's Animal Control, Director Adal Krieger."
"Hello!" A clone of Krieger waved cheerfully. He was wearing a green animal control uniform.
"Guess we found another of Krieger's clones," Archer groaned. "They do have some interesting jobs don't they?"
"Director Krieger," Darlene said. "Tell us about this discovery."
"Well Ms. Love this is a fascinating discovery," Adal said as he held a frog with pink and blue stripes in his hand. "This frog has the ability to change gender at will. Meaning it can fertilize and lay eggs at the same time. Scientists are still debating on the name. I like to call it a Krieg-Mit. Get it?"
"Yes," Darlene kept a straight face. "Now Director how did these frogs be able to do this? Is this common or…?"
"Some species of frog can change gender but not as fast as this one," Adal pointed. "See the stripes on its back? Pink and blue mean male. Just pink means female. Watch…"
The stripes on the frog's back turned female. "Voila! Instant girl!" Adal said.
Then the stripes changed back to blue and pink. "And now it's a boy again," Adal explained.
Then the stripes turned purple. "I have no idea what that means," Adal blinked.
"How did this happen?" Darlene asked. "I mean where did these frogs come from?"
"Genetic mutation caused by global warming," Adal said quickly. "These frogs were definitely not genetically engineered. I can tell you that."
"Okay…" Darlene began.
"Genetics is a hobby of mine," Adal explained. "Since I'm a…I have identical cousins. Yes. Identical cousins run in my family. There's a lot of people walking around that look like me. Not because we're clones. Definitely not genetic clones. But cousins! Only identical cousins."
"Yes, but what does this mean exactly?" Darlene asked. "For the environment?"
"It means these little suckers can breed ten times faster than normal," Adal said. "But there's no need to panic. These little guys and gals will just eat more bugs. That means a lot less mosquitoes biting people!"
Suddenly the frog's tongue shot out and it grabbed something that chirped. Feathers flew out of its mouth. "Did that frog just eat a bird?" Darlene shouted.
"Only a sparrow," Adal said. "What? There are billions of 'em! It's just part of the food chain."
The camera caught a shot of a few frogs trying to attack a pigeon. The pigeon breathed fire roasting the frogs. Then started eating them.
"See? Food chain," Adal said when the camera turned back to him. "Nature adapts."
"Pigeons don't breathe fire!" Darlene shouted.
"Hey lady, blame global warming and all the toxic crap companies put in the environment!" Adal snapped. "Coming up in the forecast…More mutants!"
"AAHHHH!" A man ran away from a couple of fire breathing pigeons chasing after him.
"Oh my," Adal blinked. "Someone should do something about that."
"Isn't that your job?" Darlene snapped.
"Oh right," Adal blinked. "Okay hold this…" He handed the frog to Darlene.
"What am I going to do with…?" Darlene winced. Then put the frog down. "Eww…"
FOOOOOOOOOM!
"OH DEAR GOD!" Darlene shouted at something off camera.
A slightly crispy Adal walked on camera. "Okay we're going to need some fireproof uniforms and flame retardant nets in the budget."
"This is Darlene Love getting the hell out of here!" Darlene said. "Back to you Harvey!" She ran off.
"Coming up more bad news for Stratton and Whitney as the investment firm's stock further plummets," A male news anchor spoke as the camera cut to a news room. "Could the mysterious bizarre deaths of its CEOs be responsible for the company's eventual collapse?"
Pam turned off the news feed. "Dear God…" Cyril groaned.
"Well there's always a chance it isn't Krieger," Lana said, trying desperately to be logical.
"That's the same chance Hell will freeze over," Cyril snapped. "Spoiler alert: It won't!"
"KRIEGER!" Archer shouted.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessss?" Krieger poked his head in. He was wearing only his brown apron and a welder's helmet.
"We need to talk," Lana glared at him.
"About what?" Krieger asked.
"How's Adal doing for starters?" Archer asked.
"Oh he's great! He's…" Krieger stopped. "You know don't you?"
"About the transgender frogs and fire breathing pigeons? Yeah," Archer said. "And so does everyone who watches the news!"
"Ooh that's never a good thing," Krieger winced.
"Let me see if I get this straight Krieger," Cyril let out a breath. "In addition to those weird pigs you cloned that escaped you also created transgender frogs that escaped."
"That is correct," Krieger nodded.
"That are now breeding at a substantial rate basically everywhere there's water in LA," Cyril sighed. "You also created fire breathing pigeons that escaped."
"They weren't supposed to breathe fire!" Krieger protested. "Just be resistant to it. Which they are so…"
"And how many of those escaped?" Archer asked.
"Only ten pairs," Krieger said.
"So…Twenty?" Cyril sighed.
"Twenty-one," Krieger said. "I accidentally electrocuted one of the birds so…"
"Stop right there," Cyril sighed.
"I'm not that worried about the pigeons," Krieger said. "It's not breeding season yet. What I am worried about is the pikas."
"The what now?" Cyril asked.
"A pika is a short mammal that is related to the rabbit only smaller and doesn't have long ears," Krieger explained. "About the size of a small rat actually. Only a lot cuter."
"And what do your pikas do?" Lana asked with a sigh.
"Not much," Krieger shrugged. "Just made them resistant to poisons and diseases."
"Well that's not so…" Lana began.
"Oh and I gave them super speed, increased intelligence…" Krieger went on. "And the ability to have full litters once a month."
"And how many litters do pikas normally have?" Lana asked.
"Between five and ten depending on the species," Krieger said. "Mine can do about ten to fifteen."
"Of course they can," Lana groaned.
"Is that how one of the fire breathing pigeons got electrocuted?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Krieger admitted.
"I thought so," Ray sighed.
"But now that I think about it," Krieger said. "I'm pretty sure most of these pikas will either stay underground or travel outside of LA in tunnels to more wooded areas. So they shouldn't bother people too much. And now that I think about it, neither will the bats."
"The bats?" Ray groaned.
"I was trying to create Noibats. You know? From Pokémon?" Krieger explained. "Good news. I did. With the same powers and almost the same looks. Only they don't evolve. And I call them Kriegbats."
"Of course you did," Cyril said. "And let me guess. They escaped too."
"No, those I set free in a national park somewhere," Krieger admitted. "They're fine! They're in some nice dark caves out of the way from most people."
"Most people?" Lana asked.
"Park rangers, hikers, cave explorers…" Krieger shrugged. "You have to account for that."
"That is the logical conclusion," Pam admitted.
"You actually find something logical about this?" Lana barked.
"And then of course there were the mutated llamas and sheep," Cyril groaned.
"The sheep are still at that farm," Krieger said. "So no problems there."
"And the acid spitting llamas?" Cyril snapped.
"Don't really know what happened to them," Krieger admitted. "Last I heard from the police scanners the herd ran off into the mountains and disappeared."
"And those damn Krieger of the Valley lilies seeds we told you to get rid of?" Ray growled.
"I planted them in the same national forest I set the Kreigbats loose in," Krieger admitted.
"Great! Just what the world needs!" Ray grumbled. "More killer plants!"
"Technically those plants didn't kill anybody," Krieger pointed out.
"Not yet!" Ray glared at him.
"So long story short…" Cyril groaned.
"Too late," Ray quipped.
"We're now responsible for the complete and total destruction of California's ecosystem," Cyril groaned.
"Well if you don't count the wildfires and pollution," Krieger shrugged.
"Where do you get the money for these projects?" Cyril shouted.
"It's not that expensive if you know how to make your own genetic slicer from scratch," Krieger explained. "And get your animals off the street. Literally, by setting up traps and…"
"Anything else Kreiger?" Cyril shouted.
"To be honest I had a thought about creating actual living garden gnomes," Krieger shrugged. "Then I thought where would I put them?"
"Not to mention we'd end up with another Krieglin type mess," Archer added.
"That too," Krieger frowned. "Gee I wonder how my kids are doing?"
"How the hell do you have time to do all these projects?" Ray shouted. "Seriously we've only been here about eight months. How the hell did you manage to create so many mutants in that short amount of time?"
"Uh…." Krieger stalled.
Let's see how he is able to do that shall we?
"Okay Number One I need you to work on our Fisherman's Daughter film," Krieger directed his robot clones in the lab. "I need Numbers Two and Three to check on our genetic experiments. And Number Four you can work on that Easter Egg project thing we got going on the Internet. Krieger Clones! Away!"
"Clone bone!" The robot clones did their clone bone.
"Guys you know how I feel about that," Krieger groaned. "That reminds me. I need to call my biological clone Almond and get his input on upgrades on my androids."
Back to the present…
"I'm…really good at multitasking," Krieger admitted.
"Have you got any more biological experiments running amok in your drugged up chocolate factory, Whacked Out Wonka?" Lana glared at him.
"Nope," Krieger said honestly. "No more biological experiments. Nope, nope, nope!"
"There'd better not be!" Lana warned.
"You're just lucky my mother isn't here and…" Archer heard footsteps. "Mother!"
"Hello Krieger…" Mallory walked into the agency. Her hair was sticking out and her clothes looked frazzled.
"Malloy what happened to you?" Lana gasped.
"Well it's a funny thing," Mallory's tone indicated that it was anything but funny. "I was at the spa when all of the sudden I heard screaming. It was like someone was being electrocuted. And it turned out someone was! The woman sitting next to me under the hair dryer!"
"Oh…" Archer winced.
"And then I heard someone else screaming because they were being electrocuted," Mallory glared at Krieger. "Turns out it was me!"
"Uh, I'm guessing faulty wiring," Krieger gulped.
"Guess again," Mallory growled.
"A short in a hair dryer?" Krieger backed away.
"No," Mallory said.
"Was it a tiny electric pika running around?" Pam spoke up.
"If by pika I'm assuming you mean a mouse type creature…" Mallory snarled. "You're close. There were dozens of them!"
"Ooohh…" Krieger winced.
"Long story short…" Mallory's eye twitched. "The brand new spa burned down. And I didn't even get my damn five-hundred-dollar seaweed wrap!"
"Well if it's a seaweed wrap you want I've been working on…" Krieger began.
"SHUT UP!" Mallory snarled. "The only reason I didn't grab one of those damn things and shove it down your throat…Is that I have a sneaking suspicion that would make you happy to die that way!"
"One can only dream…" Krieger sighed.
"The other reason is that my arms are too damn sore to pick up almost anything thanks to all the electric shocks I got!" Mallory snapped. "So I'm going to need you to give me one of your damn rejuvenation drugs or whatever you have so I can get some feeling back in my arms. Then I'll have the strength to murder you!"
"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger threw an imaginary smoke bomb and ran out.
Mallory let out a sigh. "I'm too tired to kill him now. One of you beat him within an inch of his life for me. I'm going home and drinking a bottle of absinthe. So I can hopefully forget about this day and wait until I discharge some more so I can take a bath without electrocuting myself."
She paused. "Before I go is there anything else he's done I should know about?"
"Not if you want plausible deniability on the transgendered frogs, the fire breathing pigeons and the Kriegbats," Archer said.
"I'm not running a detective agency…" Mallory grumbled as she walked away. "I'm running a god damned zoo!"