Filk and Kooky
By Rob Morris
Academy Drop-Out
(To The Tune Of 'Beauty School Drop-Out' From 'Grease)
(Be'lanna is talking to Janeway; The Captain nods her head)
Janeway: It's not just the Maquis, Lieutenant. Many Starfleet officers are questioning my choice. Some think we'll never get back. I'm considering allowing colonization of a suitable world by those who feel as you do. No hard feelings. But I need everyone heading in one direction.
Torres: But I don't know that I feel that way, Captain. The Array, yes, that bugs me. But then there's Seska, and the thought of never even knowing how the Cardassian situation turns out.
Janeway: Sounds like you need to make a choice.
Torres: You know, Admiral Kor was heard to say that the day he met Captain Kirk, he knew then and there the path his life would take.
Janeway: He had that catalytic nature.
(Captain walks off)
Torres: I need a Kirk of my own.
(Goes onto holodeck)
Torres: Random program...just pick anything
(50-ish music starts; Be'lanna stares up in wonder as Kirk descends in movie uniform; surrounding him are two TOS Yeomans)
Kirk: Your heritage made you sad;
A Klingon not so bad;
Most messed up hybrid character since Spock;
your rebellion is all back home
You may as well be in Nome;
You can't even play tag with Feddy ships
Academy Drop-Out
No Kobayashi Sim for you
Academy Drop-Out
Blew the warp core and wormholes too
Well at least you have a character that's different from Keh'lyr; But
you better clean your act up before Janeway is your jailer!
Better start home now
The Maquis were just a subplot you see
What were you hoping?
Its slingshots vs. UFP;
If you take the Chief Engineer's post; You can play the Delta Beat;
Can the militia stuff and go back to Starfleet
(Kirk and the Yeomans float around; Be'lanna watches in wonder)
Kirk: Academy Drop-out
Wondering why Seska pulled her crap
Academy Drop-out
Fighting against her other half
Well you thought you had it figured out
You couldn't be embarrassed; But only dead folks haven't seen you making
eyes at Paris
Warrior let it go
You aren't meant for hit and run
Call off the blood-feud
You're stuck here; So have some fun
Now your ex-CO's bland; Your ship's been canned;
Your best friend lived on Cardie Street;
So calm that divided soul and go back to Starfleet;
(Now stands up as he sings; Arms wide)
Be'lanna don't ignore me;
Much as do the Powers That Be
Be'lanna his hormones; Explain your lame cousin's bigotry
Now I've told you well;
Get through this no-win Hell;
Go now and spar with Tommmmm;
(Floats away)
I gotta make promos for Priceline-dot-com!
Academy Drop-Out--Go-Back-To-Starfleet
(She leaves; Feeling giddy; Runs up to the Bridge)
(Doors open)
Torres: Guess what, everybody? Captain Kirk just sang to me and told me that I should choose Starfleet! And then I checked and found his program wasn't even in the holodeck, so it must have really been him after all!
(3 days later; Sickbay)
EMH: Now, Repeat After Me....
(A disgusted Be'lanna is in a straightjacket)
Torres: Captain James T. Kirk died in 2294 aboard The Enterprise-B. Captain Kirk died in 2294 aboard The Enterprise-B. Kirk died in 2294
aboard The Enterprise-B....
(In Janeway's quarters)
Janeway: That's good, Doctor. I hope she feels better soon. (Signs off) What in blazes made her see Kirk? I'd just as soon see home....
(Kirk appears before her; He wears vaguely Irish clothes and a green
hat)
Kirk: How are things in Indiana.....this fine day?
How are things in Indianaaaaaa..........
(Janeway screams)
Janeway: Chakotay! Help me!
Chakotay: (Audio) I can't, Kathryn. He's got me pinned down with
'Indian Reservation' by Paul Revere And The Raiders!
THE END???
Help Me, Annika
(To The Tune Of 'Help Me Rhonda' By The Beach Boys)
Seven: Commander, do you require my assistance?
Chakotay: Well, since Kathryn put me in, I've been losing both lines
and spine; I appear for a minute, then my objections she overrides;
Seven, you caught my eye; So late I couldn't tell you why; But you gotta
help me, Annika; Help me get her out of my fics;
Help Me, Annika--Help Help Me Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me
Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika
Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;
Help Me Annika; Yeah--Get her out of my hair
That we should get together was the desire of our countless fans; But
she let the Captain's Chair come between us and ignored all my plans;
The background became my home; Into danger we would always roam; So you
gotta, help me Annika; Help me to move on with my life;
Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;
Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me
Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;
Help Me To See Kate -- Out Of My Visions
Seven: I see. One moment, Commander.
(She leaves; Finds Harry Kim)
Harry: But I thought you and I were done with.
Seven: We were. But Chakotay---Harry, he frightens me.
(In another part of the ship, the madness continues)
Tom: Be'lanna---I don't want to fight.
Be'lanna: Tom--I'm a little bit wrong; You're a little bit right.
Tom: I say---Honey, ya know that its true-
(Be'lanna holds up a cooing Miral)
Be'lanna: It's A Little Bit Me; It's A Little Bit You---Too.
Big Kai
(To The Tune Of 'Big Shot' by Billy Joel)
(Guitar intro)
Well, you ascended to the office of the late Opaka
On the back and the corpse of Bareil
You had a way of drawing support
You used cunning and guile
But you decided to oppose the Emissary
and drive Sisko out with Cardies in the know
Tell me, is there any level at all you considered too low?;
You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami
Bring your enemies to rout
You meant to be a Big Kai, Winn-All
Put democracy in doubt
You meant to move unopposed, feckless
While still gathering your clout
You meant to have the Prophets' favor
But they never liked your flavor;
Well, we were not surprised when you politicized
And tried to spin on agricultural gains
The petty way you stopped the Prophets final fight
Surely helped to spread the Pagh stain
And I remember well how all you did was pout
After you acknowledged Captain Sisko
I'll give you one thing, Eminence
You surely livened our little show!
You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami
Bring your enemies to rout
You meant to be a Big Kai, Winn-All
Put democracy in doubt
You meant to move unopposed, feckless
While still gathering your clout
You meant to have the Prophets' favor
But they never liked your flavor;
Well, it's no sign that you're weak
When of doubts you speak
If you know not to wallow in despair
But you bedded Dukat, Killed Sobor
And took the down set of stairs;
You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami
Thought that you were hearing raves
You meant to be a Big Kai, No-Winn
Now walk in the Fire Caves
You meant to move feckless, reckless
But now your soul's in doubt
You meant to have the Prophets' blessing
Now it's our faith's wounds need dressing...
Big Kai.....Big Kai...(Guitar finish)
Android B-4
(To The Tune Of 'The Night Before' by The Beatles)
Nemesis was our good-bye
Proto-Android B-4
I activated your mind
Proto-Android B-4
I feel I have been robbed
I am out of a job
But you I do not blame Android B-4
I thought Soong made Lore first
Proto-Android B-4
Or were you somehow worse?
Proto-Android B-4
Came the great big light
I am out of the fight
Yet somehow live on in Android B-4
This film is the film they will remember us by
When I think of how we slid
I am pleased I cannot cry
A generation ends
Proto-Android B-4
Take care of my friends
Proto-Android B-4
Unless next film out they find
Only I inhabit your mind
See you in the fics Android B-4
Farewell for now B-4
The Night of 359
(To the tune of 'The Night Chicago Died' by Paper Lace)
The Enterprise Was A Starship; Searching Out The Frontier; Back In The UFP; Back When We Didn't Flee.
In The Tense Of A Summer Shift, In The Hour Of The Wolf; When The Federation Died; And They Talk About It Still; When A Man They Call Picard; Took A Hostile Incursion Hard; And He Brought His Ship To War; Against The Forces Of The Borg.
I Heard The Static Fly; I Heard The Fray The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Night It Truly Was; Kahless What A Fight It Truly Was; Qapla Ke!
And the long hard battle raged; Throughout Sector Oh-Oh-One; Till That Invincible Borg Cube; Had Been Ordered Off To Sleep.
There Was Shouting On The Earth; And A Feeling Of Rebirth; Wearily I Heard It Said; Nearly 50 Crews Are Dead.
I Heard The Static Fly; I Heard The Fray The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Night The Starfleet Saw; Kahless What A Fight The Starfleet Saw; Qapla Ke!
Then There Was No Sound At All; But The Opening Bridge Doors.
Our Captain Stepped To The Fore; And Locutus Was No More; The Borg Cube's Final Fate Was Just; As It Burst To Cosmic Dust!
The Night Of 359...Nananaananaaana... The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Fight The Starships Fought; Kahless What A Great Victory We Bought; Qapla Ke!
The Enterprise B
(To The Tune Of 'Sloop John B' by The Beach Boys)
(Kirk sings)
We left on The Enterprise B; Pavel, Scotty and Me; Around Orion's Belt
we did roam; But things went astray; It wasn't Tuesday; Now the ship's
so broke up; I wanna go home
There were things wrong that I couldn't dream; We had no tractor beam;
Then I heard that we were the only ship close; The trip was no fun; The
ship wasn't done; But I swear one last time; We'll see the ship home
So fire up the B's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The
Captain; We've gotta bring this ship home; Bring us back home; Oh, Bring
Us Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; The Ship might break up--so bring us back
home.
The red alert started to blare; Harriman gave up his chair; Then a ship
of El-Aurians up and went boom; The media drones; why won't they leave
me alone; I'm going down below deck; So we can go home
But the nexus started to flare; It wiped away all my cares; Somehow I
always knew I would die alone; But I look around me; and see I'm back
home
So fire up the B's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The
Captain; We've gotta bring this ship home; Bring us back home; Oh, Bring
Us Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; The Ship might break up--so bring us back
home.
I rode around hills and snow; Saw Antonia who none of you know; I went
back and I saved everybody from Dad to David; But the touch I can't
feel; This place isn't real; But whenever I face this; I end up back
home
My journey is done; My destiny's gone
(Fire Up The B Now; Fire Up The B Now)
This Is The Worst Trip I've Ever Been On
So Let's Make A Difference; Let's Make A Difference; Go After Soran; Go
After Soran; Somehow I know Jean-Luc will take me back home; Take my
place on the Bridge; But that Bridge is not his; One more world saved,
though they won't know me...
So fire up the E's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The
Captain; We've gotta bring this man home; Bring him back home; Oh, Bring
Him Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; Oh The Ship's First Mission--is to bring him
back home.
TOS Fanfic
(To the tune of 'Rock And Roll Music' as covered by various artists, including Chuck Berry)
Just let me read some of that TOS fanfic
Movie, Cartoon or Classic
Though the TV FX are Jurassic
The stories are fantastic
Its gotta be TOS fanfic
If you wanna pull me in
If you wanna pull me in ;
I have nothing against old K/S-fics
Unless they ignore the base friendships
I don't steer away from Mary Sues
With the proper spin they too can rule
And we can read some of that TOS fanfic
Screen-canon, AU or Cross-Mix
The actors don't get on, it's true
But on paper or screen, they're one crew
Its gotta be TOS fanfic
If you want FB from me
If you want FB from me!
Jimmy's Girl
( Sung To The Tune Of 'Bobby's Girl' by Marcie Blane )
( Uhura comes out to sing )
Chorus : You're Not A Cadet Anymore; You're Not A Cadet Anymore
Uhura ( Spoken ) : When People Ask Of Me; Nyta, What Would You Like To
Be?; Now That You're Not A Cadet- Anymore
( Chorus )
U : ( Sings ) I Go And Take My Stand; I Say Besides Command; There's
Just One Thing I've Been Wishing For;
U : I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be Jimmy's Girl; That Captain
Seems Most Ideal To Me; And If I Was: Jimmy's Girl; If I Was; Jimmy's
Girl; Unlike A Certain Blonde; I'd Never Flee
U : I Sit In My Swivel Chair; Struggling To Break Dead Air; And I Know
Jimmy's Had Quite A Few
( Chorus )
U : But In My Heart I Know; That When We Boldly Go; Soon I Will Have Him
All To Myself
U : I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be Jimmy's Girl; In Slash, AU's,
Profic, On TV; And If I Was Jimmy's Girl; If I Was; Jimmy's Girl; I
Would Not Die At The End You See; I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be
Jimmy's Girl...........
Go, Delta Flyer!
(To the tune of 'Greased Lightning' from Grease)
Janeway : So our standard shuttlecrafts stand no chance of retrieving that probe. People, I'm open to suggestions.
Tuvok : I could alter the shuttles' shield configuration. This would enable it to stand at least some of the currents in the upper atmosphere.
Janeway : Some doesn't cut it. Tom, any notions?
Paris : Captain--what we need is a completely new shuttle type.
Janeway : Explain.
Paris : Everything we've seen in this quadrant has shown us a wilder ride than back home.
(He points to a holo-schematic)
Paris : We need a vehicle that can withstand gravimetrics----atmospherics-- and temporal anomaly dynamics! We need The Delta Flyeeeerrrrrr!!!!
(Shift scene to shuttlebay; Music starts)
Paris : Go, Delta Flyer--you're burnin' up the Warp 10 mark!
Kim : Delta Flyer--Go, Delta Flyer!
Paris : Go, Delta Flyer---this series needs its own Shuttle!
Kim : I'll get the parts now--I'll replicate the parts now!
Tuvok : With shields alert---
Seven : The Maelon will hurt--
(Tom slides across floor)
Paris : It's Delta Flyer!
(We see the hull and its exposed systems)
Janeway : Go, Delta Flyer--we have much less time than we thought!
DF Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!
Chakotay : Go, Delta Flyer--I really don't do much in this ep!
DF Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!
Seven : We forsook rest---
Torres : I'm quite depressed---
(Tom stands on the DF's roof
Paris : It's Delta Flyer!
(The launch comes; Janeway and Chakotay are on the Bridge)
Chakotay : Go, Delta Flyer--the Maelons they just launched their ship!
Bridge Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!
EMH : Go, Delta Flyer, but be careful cause Be'lanna is sick!
Neelix (In galley) Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!
Kim : The Maelons are bent!
Tuvok : They've begun ascent---
Paris : Not Delta Flyer!
(They regain the probe)
Paris : Go, Delta Flyer, we've just achieved complete success!
Torres : I'll fix the breach now--I'll fix that hull breach now!
Tuvok : Go, Delta Flyer--though these controls are quite untoward!
Seven : Dump on the Maelons--we have dumped on the Maelons.
Kim : Their trash we ripped---
Janeway : That's quite a trip--
Paris : For Delta Flyer!
-------------------------------------------
(All celebrate except Neelix, alone in his quarters)
Neelix : Stranded on Voyager--branded a clown---but only one thought--really gets me down.
(Music from 'Sandy' begins to play
Neelix : Kessie--baaaby--whiieeey did you go?; Your contract up--The Borg brought in—left you feeling rather low--Like Henry Blake--you walked away--and blew up after Season 3; But why did you leave me, my Kessie? Ohhhhhh Kesssie--bbaaaabby sooooomedayy when Voyager is done.....