A/N: This is totally random. I was just sitting on my bed drawing Kanda when this came to me, so it's really short and odd… I was thinking about it, though, because Kanda dies so many times, but like, after dieing so many and basically being an experiment, wouldn't you just wanna die for good? Also, this is not yaoi. I wanted to do something with the relationship between Kanda and Marie, because I just finished reading the Ark thing in the manga and I was noticing that when the Ark disappeared, Marie had said "First Daisya, and now Kanda…" and then when they were coming out, he was all like "Kanda must be there too!" so basically, this is not yaoi…

Disclaimer: I do not own D,Gray-Man or any of the characters, they belong to Hoshino… though I wish I owned Kanda

How Many Times

It was Allen who found him, lying on his bed with a piece of glass through his heart. Allen had gone exploring through Head Quarters, which he did a lot in between missions.

Allen had seen Kanda's room before [1] and saw the lotus flower sitting in the glass case, so it had been on his mind for a while. No one had heard from Kanda lately, which wasn't unusual, but the poor boy thought that he would be on a mission.

Finding him, laying motionless in a pool of blood and covered by the white sheet wasn't even the worst part. There was a note in Kanda's hand next to a sketch of a woman in a field of lotus flowers, which had been drawn by Tiedoll, we later discovered. It was an apology note that said

"I'm sorry I never found you.

I just couldn't take being used again. If Alma was right and I did know you in my past life, then you probably don't know that I died the first time, anyway."

Lenalee was walking passed the room and heard Allen moaning and begging for Kanda to wake up. She was devastated. Kanda had been her big brother whenever I was too busy, or Rouvelier was here.

Lenalee came right away to get me, but I didn't think I could do anything, so I simply pulled the glass out. Then Kanda started breathing. His healing powers had been slowing down because of his quickly fading life force, so he was in a coma for a few days.

No one saw it coming. Kanda was always an angry and confused person, but we couldn't have foreseen it resulting in him trying to claim his own life.

Lenalee spent her days by Kanda's side when he was in the coma. I haven't told her about the things that happened after he woke up. She doesn't need to know.

Allen went to see him after he woke up, but he walked in to see Kanda yelling at Marie, saying "How many times do I have to die?" before breaking down. Allen stayed for a few minutes, too shocked to move, watching as Marie held Kanda in his arms, trying to comfort him.

I told Allen not to tell anyone about what he saw, and the Bookmen have agreed that the incident won't be recorded in the books.

Marie has stayed with Kanda and we haven't let anyone else into the room besides myself, Tiedoll and the head nurse, though Old Man Zhu came asking to see Kanda, so we agreed to let him inside, too. No one else needs to see if Kanda has another breakdown, though he only seems to have them in front of Marie.

It's been a week since Allen saw Kanda's first breakdown, and Kanda has been sent back to his room, though Marie still stays with him at night. But when Marie isn't there, I hear moans coming from behind Kanda's door, and low moans of "Why won't you leave me alone?" and "How many times?"

The end.

1-In one of the volumes of the manga (I forget which one…) it showed little blurbs of peoples rooms, saying that Allen found them. I noticed that in Kanda's, the lotus flower was sitting in the case like it was in the anime.