3/10/10

Et-spiritus-sancti

Harry Potter Fanfiction

Young & Alive

Snow fell softly outside the stone walls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All the halls and corridors were a reminder of the cheerful season. Holly and garland hung everywhere, draped from windows and doorways and the aroma of evergreen trees and spice permeated the atmosphere. The air buzzed with excitement as students finished with their midterms and anticipated the Christmas holiday. Students from first years all the way up to seventh years chattered elatedly in the halls, guessing as to what gifts they would receive once home.

One particular student did not take part in the conversations or share in the excitement. He brushed past or shoved aside the others, not bothering to apologize. He stalked the halls, his robe billowing about his tall, intimidating figure. Lucius Malfoy had no interest in Christmas or midterms. He had a far more serious issue to deal with. He had hardly believed it when she told him. And then! To lock herself away for days meanwhile his mind spun in so many circles he was certain his brain would drain out his ears.

He thought he would be relieved when Bellatrix came to him with a letter from his girlfriend. He would never forget the expression on Bellatrix's beautiful yet twisted face. She had sneered. Her perfectly white teeth shown from behind her stretched lips in a menacing, carnivorous way. Lucius found the woman downright frightening. He always thought she looked at him like he was her next meal. Narcissa assured him her sister was merely "playful."

Bullocks. And her letter did not make him feel any better. Even this "conversation" he was about to have with her made his stomach churn.

The next figure he collided with caused him to stop. Not because there was anything particularly interesting about the person. It was just that he had knocked the thing clear on her bum. Surprisingly, other students walked around the scene, not bothering to assist. Lucius was thoroughly confused. Here was one of the most popular students splayed out on the floor, books emptied from her sack and no one was giving her a hand. In fact, they were stepping over her. Lucius really wasn't sure what to do. Narcissa was waiting for him. Yet…she looked so pathetic. Where was her stupid man-toy Potter for this sort of thing?

Lucius continued to stare while she sat up and took in the state of her books. With an annoyed sigh, she pulled herself to her knees and started gathering her books. In a smooth movement, Lucius sat on his heels and grabbed the book nearest him, Hogwarts, a History, 4th Edition, and held it out to her. Miss Lily Evans noticed his hand first then her eyes travelled up his arm to his face. Her hair was severely out of place from the tumble she took after crashing into him. Hair hung in her face and she tossed her head in order to clear her vision. Lucius was shocked by the vicious expression she fixed on him. Surely she realized her fall was an accident. Lily snatched the book from his hand, stuffing it violently in her sack. Now Lucius was angry. Sure he made it a point to ignore Gryffindors and vice-versa, but Lily had never been so blatantly rude.

"What's your problem, Evans?" Lucius snapped. He stood up now to his full height, not bothering to offer her a hand which he had intended on doing, "Surely you didn't hurt your arse beyond repair?"

She glared up at him, green eyes flashing with despise. "I'm flattered by your concern," she scoffed and shoved her last book into the sack. Then she stood, trying to appear tall although the top of her head only came to his chest, "But don't you think Narcissa deserves it more than I do?"

Lucius felt his insides tumble out and splatter all over the floor. How in Merlin's fanny did she have any idea what happened to Narcissa? She wasn't even in the same house! His blue eyes narrowed and he felt the skin over his face tighten. "What the hell do you know about it?"

Lily stuck out her chin in a way that made Lucius want to reach out and snap it off. "Everyone knows she's been hiding in her dormitory. Hiding from you."

His jaw clenched and he felt his teeth grinding. "You don't know what you're talking about."

She ignored him and went on. "Everyone knows about it. What did she do, Malfoy? Look at another boy? Is that why you beat her up?"

Lucius blinked and felt his mouth open yet no words tumbled out in his defense. Beat her? Is that what people assumed? He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Lucius had developed a reputation for occasional violence towards others. Stories about the ruthlessness of his father were widespread as well. He himself had witnessed more than once his mother receive a punishment. However he could honestly say he had never raised a hand to Narcissa. He never had to. Not only was she his girlfriend but also one of his best friends, the latter being a fact his father was never too keen on. Besides this, in the entire time they had been together he couldn't think of an incident in which she even tempted him into violence. Now he wasn't sure how he felt knowing people thought he had hurt her. Was he embarrassed? Furious? Or should he play along and gain even more of a reputation?

Lucius quickly decided he simply did not appreciate false rumors. He fixed Lily with a smug expression, scrunching his nose and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Not surprisingly, Evans, you're wrong. More so you're stupid for believing rumors. Then again you are a Gryffindor," He gave her rigid, slight figure a judgmental look-over, "All brawn and no brains."

Lily scowled, readjusting the strap of her sack, now heavy again with the hardback books. Then shaking her head she brushed past him and muttered, "Happy Christmas, Malfoy."

Lucius almost found what just happened to be amusing. However he could not put aside the reason why he was heading towards the owlry. Before he'd left his dormitory he had been practicing what to say to her. The interruption with Lily suddenly caused a great blank in his mind. Nervousness crept up on him and nausea was not far behind. Feeling ill, he slipped into an empty classroom, tossing aside a terrified first-year along the way.

Once safely inside the classroom, he leaned against the cool stone wall, feeling relief from the sudden chill on his back. He then retrieved Narcissa's letter he had hastily stuffed in his pants pocket. The yellow parchment was crinkled and Lucius brought it to the desk in the first row, attempting half-heartedly to smooth over the wrinkles. Narcissa's delicate handwriting appeared and he couldn't help but read it again.

Dearest Lucius,

I know our hasty conversation the other day followed by my untimely retreat has left you in pain and confusion. I apologize. I do hate causing you such and you deserve more than that. I would understand if you wanted nothing to do with me. I have already contacted my mother and she will arrive in a few days time to help me explain things to the headmaster. You are not required to attend this meeting. I suspect you won't be seeing me for a while after this so I can only beg of you to meet with me. I will be waiting in the owlry this Thursday at three o'clock. I dearly hope you come, but I will understand if you don't.

All my love,

Your Cissy

Lucius sighed as he read the letter again. He would admit, upon first reading it, he had crumpled up the letter and tossed it across his room where it had landed with a light, unsatisfying plop. Originally he had no intentions of meeting her. However, the more he realized this wasn't only her fault, the more he desperately wanted to see her face. And what then? He had no experience on the subject. It was obvious she already had plans made. He was suddenly quite thankful for Narcissa's mother. The women apparently knew exactly what to do and where to bring her daughter to take of the problem. Although what did Narcissa mean when she said he wouldn't see her for a while? Certainly the procedure wouldn't prevent her from finishing the semester. Unless…

Lucius felt the thumping in his chest intensify and his breathing turned into gasps. She couldn't. She wouldn't. It would be a disgrace to them all. She would have to drop out and he would certainly have to marry her once he graduated. They weren't ready for this responsibility. How would he explain this to his parents? His mother would be heartbroken by his inability to control himself. His father would either congratulate him on his impressive breeding abilities or beat him senseless. Either would be disturbing and unwelcome. This couldn't happen. She couldn't have the baby. That was his decision and Narcissa would simply have to live with it.

Fueled with confidence and feeling as if he could take any sort of blubbering, hysterical reaction Narcissa might thrust upon him, Lucius stormed out of the classroom. The corridors had cleared considerably as students filed into their final classes for the day or deserted to their dormitories. Lucius moved briskly now, rehearsing in his head everything he would say to her.

A baby. Hah. Him a father. Ridiculous. And she could forget about seducing him ever again into some dusty, abandoned room for a late night coital escapade. Lucius felt a sensation of regret at that decision. He did rather enjoy their sexual exploits. However, obviously they were not being careful enough. Otherwise this entire cluster wouldn't exist. He sighed wistfully. Well. Maybe they just needed to be more careful. Perhaps if she behaved and did as he told her he would reward her with a particularly pleasing experience.

Lucius grinned at the thought as he stepped out into the bitter cold. The snow had picked up in intensity and the wind whipped heavy flakes against his face. His long, blond hair thrashed about in all directions. He lifted his hood over his head and wrapped his cloak tightly against him as he made for the owlry. Pitiful day for this, really. Bowing his head, Lucius pressed against the wind and snow, picturing his perfect mate in the tower ahead of him. He glanced up as he closed the distance and saw a single brown owl struggling against the storm to reach the confines of the owlry. His wings beat furiously into the wind as he was thrown off his course several times. He imagined Narcissa watching the same scene and Lucius pushed on with more gusto. Lucius finally reached the brittle, splintered door and tried in vain to swing it open. The wind slammed it shut with a fierce clang. With a second try, he pulled open the door and slipped in, letting it slam shut behind him. It was instantly quieter save for the sounds of the wind whistling through the old structure and the flutter of wings and quiet hoots of the owls. Lucius glanced up at the spiral staircase that led to the owls' sanctuary. The old wooden steps creaked under his weight and Lucius scowled at the bird droppings and the dusty down from their feathers that floated everywhere. With a grimace he continued up the staircase.

Suddenly, the breeze and softness of feathers brushed against his face and Lucius fell back a couple steps, grabbing the railings for support then cursing as he felt a splinter stab and enter his thumb. Annoyed, he raised his fist to strike whatever had gotten into his face. Nothing was there. A sharp, high pitched chirping turned his attention to his right where a messy nest of thick sticks was nestled in the corner where two wooden beams met. The offensive creature that had all but attacked his face stood on the edge of the nest. It turned its head disturbingly far as owls do to look at him, its wide yellow eyes staring unabashedly. It appeared to be the same brown owl that had been struggling through the storm. He still had snow on him. They locked gazes for a few seconds before the owl turned to his nest where his mate rested with three chirping baby owls. They stretched their ugly, naked heads up as far as their necks would allow, twittering loudly as they eagerly awaited their regurgitated meal.

Lucius couldn't help but watch as the owl fed each of his young and then his mate. He wouldn't call the scene touching or "cute." The word simply wasn't in his vocabulary. However, it seemed to strike a chord in him and suddenly he pictured that tiny, helpless fetus in Narcissa's womb. It depended completely on her for nourishment and safety. And were it to live, he would be the one going out in the storm to provide for his family. The owl turned to him again, almost with an expression of discontent, as if he had been watching something private. Lucius diverted his eyes and stared up at the rest of the steps. He felt he was at a crossroads. Here he was; a stupid, naïve 17 year old who was actually considering fatherhood. His flesh and blood made up half of that child. The other half belonged to Narcissa. His intelligence. Her outstanding beauty. The perfect child. He tried to picture sitting next to Narcissa's bed in some cozy private sanctuary in the country run by Muggle nuns or something. The child nestled against Narcissa's breast, suckling eagerly. When finished, she would give him the child, and he would awkwardly take it in his arms. It would stare up at him through sleepy blue eyes and tighten its little hand around his finger. He felt pride in his chest as he imagined the scene. How could he possibly ask her to terminate such a thing?

Lucius glanced one last time at the little owl family. The female now preened the peach fuzz of her young while the male continued to stare at him. His stance was one of protection and guarding. Lucius almost felt bad, as if he was disturbing them. He sighed heavily and continued his ascent, listening to the little chirps of the baby owls as he went.

When he reached the top of the stairs and stepped into the owlry, the hooting of the other owls quieted but did not cease. He saw her at the other end of the room. She was wrapped in her cloak, her hood still up as she stared out the window. The storm seemed to have lost some of its ferocity and the snow fell softly and straight down instead of sideways. The white atmosphere outside seemed to reflect in her perfectly pale complexion. All of his nerves and uncertainty washed away as he looked at her. She was so beautiful. He lowered his hood and smoothed his hands over his hair. Then he took a step forward, causing the floorboards to creak under his weight. Immediately she snapped her attention to him. Her eyes widened for a moment then her forehead creased slightly. She also took a step, then hesitated and crossed her arms. He tried to smile at her but it felt more like a lop-sided grimace. He took a deep breath and slowly came towards her.

"Hello, Narcissa." He was surprised he could get any words out, although his voice did seem strained.

She swallowed and shrugged a shoulder, then looked down at her feet. "Hi."

Lucius felt the moisture in his mouth suddenly soak into an invisible sponge and he stared down at his own feet as well. He then fumbled in his pockets for the letter. He found it and unfolded it, annoyed by the wrinkles still in the paper. He held it up.

"I got your letter," He gestured at their surroundings, "obviously." Feeling close to an arse he shoved the letter back into his pocket, clearing his throat. Narcissa was still averting her eyes, now looking at an owl that sat on a perch a meter from her, happily pulling apart a small rodent.

Finally she spoke. "Thank you for coming, Lucius."

He nodded. "Of course.

Silence. The dull clacking of the owl's beak as he tore at his meal seemed excruciatingly loud.

Mustering up the courage, Lucius decided to begin. "I've given this a lot of thought, Narcissa. I'm fairly certain of what you want to do. And you should know that I've decided—"

"I lost the baby, Lucius."

His mouth hung open, the words he had prepared now lost. Every nerve in his body felt like it went cold and dead. He repeated her words in his head. Over and over until they didn't even make sense and he suddenly felt quite confused.

"Excuse me?" Surprisingly, his tone was even and calm.

Finally she looked at him, her green eyes glassy and her lip trembled. "This morning. When I woke up," Her voice shook, "I miscarried."

"It's—the baby is dead." He stated the truth, instead of asking it. He couldn't believe it. All this preparation, all the emotions. All for naught.

Narcissa nodded slowly and watched him, waiting for whatever emotion, if any he was going to display. Lucius felt a knot of bile rise in his throat but he swallowed it quickly. He felt prickling in his eyes but he forced that back too. Slowly the sensation in his nerves returned and he clenched and unclenched his fists as the emotion (Grief? Anger?) made its way through his body and finally dispelled. Taking a deep breath he looked up at her. She hadn't moved, but tears fell silently down her perfect, pale cheeks. He felt hardness in his heart and suddenly secretive. He couldn't let her know what he had been considering. They had to put this behind them and she had to see him as the strong one.

"Well then," He paused, sighing, "perhaps it is for the best."

His response triggered a small sob from her and she covered her mouth with one hand to stifle it. More tears formed a puddle on her hand before brimming over but she stayed silent.

He now moved to her, confident in his stride and put both hands on her shoulders. She remained still. "Think about it, Narcissa. Now you won't have to make any difficult decisions or have any guilt. Nature took care of this."

It didn't help and now she wept openly, throwing herself against him. Instantly he felt the wetness of her tears through his shirt. He put his arms around her and patted her head. Then gently he pulled her from him. Her mascara ran down her cheeks and he wiped it away with his thumbs, though that only served to smear it more. He kept her face in his hands.

"Narcissa, please. Think about it. Having that child would have been completely irresponsible. You would have done a disservice to not only the child but to your education and the rest of your life. We couldn't possibly properly take care of a child right now."

His words didn't seem to help and she only cried harder. He moved his hands to her waist and held her firmly in place. "Stop, Narcissa. It's over. We can move on from this now."

After several more sobs, she finally began to quiet and she sniffled, looking up at him with red-rimmed, puffy eyes. "You—you didn't want to keep the baby?"

His lips tightened into a thin line. He could tell her the truth, but he couldn't stomach the thought of both of them blubbering and carrying on over the dead child. The faster he could stop her crying, the faster they could move on and not think about it ever again.

"Narcissa, I don't want to be a father for a long time," That was at least partially true, "I came here to convince you to end the pregnancy." He felt slightly bad about the lie, but it had the necessary effect. She softy took his hands from her waist and she turned away from him. She took a handkerchief from her robes and blew her nose. She threw her head back, flipping her long blond hair away from her face where the tears had made tendrils on her face. Sighing, she finally turned to him, putting out her hand. He clasped it in his and led her to the doorway. Before they descended, he took her other hand in his and held them to his chest.

"Darling, I am sorry you went through this. But," He clasped her hands even tighter to his chest and his tone deepened to almost a threat. She looked slightly alarmed, "Don't…ever…run away from me again." He wanted his tone to frighten her a little and she shrunk from him slightly. Then the corner of his mouth curved into a small smile as he took her hands to his lips. He kissed them softly, then leaned forward and pressed his mouth against hers. He could feel her hesitation and the hardness of her lips before she finally responded, kissing him fully. When they parted, she was breathing heavily. His own body responded in kind and the warmth curled pleasantly in his abdomen.

"I—I promise, Lucius."

He nodded. "Good," His hands released her and they slid stealthily down her sides and gripped her hips. His brought his mouth to her ear, whispering, "What do you say I make a little trip into Hogsmeade and pick up some…preventative tools that we've been failing to use?"

He could sense that she wasn't really in the mood for this. How could he blame her? She was in mourning and understandably distraught. But this would make him forget. It's what he wanted. And he damn well deserved it. He also knew she would be afraid to say no.

"Okay," she said it quietly.

He kissed the tip of her ear then nipped it slightly, causing her body to jolt. "Meet me at our place in half an hour."

She nodded, then sniffling once more, she edged out of his grasp and briskly made her way down the staircase. Lucius waited for the echo of the door closing below, then began to step heavily down. He reached the midpoint when he heard the chirping of the baby owls. Unable to help himself, he stopped and glanced over at the same messy nest. Five pairs of ghostly, bright eyes stared back at him.

The male owl seemed to almost glare. Lucius sneered. "What are you looking at, feather-brain?"

If Lucius didn't know better, he could've sworn it sneered back at him.

***

A/N: Thank you for reading. I of course appreciate feedback including constructive criticism and any mistakes you might spot or improvements to be made! Grazie e ciao, i miei amici!!