also known as "Why did it take so
damn long to make this game?"
Please note: while some
famous people may be used in this, the events are fictional and any resemblance
to real events is not only a coincidence but frightening. It's scary that I
actually have to say this as a disclaimer. Once you start reading, you'll
understand.
8000 B.C. - It was an innovative time
for all of humanity. A gigantic monolith, made entirely of onyx, had landed on
the Planet Earth, creating an interesting beat. However, the people that were
around to discover this thing found the song was incredibly hard to dance to
because of the volume constantly changing. However, it did introduce the concept
of music to most of the world and it was a grand moment.
April 9, 3002 B.C. - Mankind had invented a
wonderful instrument called the drum. With this new advance in technology, the
people no longer had to wait for big black rectangles to drop from the sky for
their entertainment. The people rejoiced. However, their first creation, a song
called "Pound the drum", had grown tiring after two or three days as
it would take another 50 years before Mankind discovered that you did not need
to bang your head against the drum to make noise.
October 8, 79 A.D. - With the furthering
advancement of cultures, especially in Roman times, the concept came to the
mighty Romans of a huge arrow pointing to the sky. Rumor has it that the Romans
were in the midst of drawing this gigantic arrow when Mt. Vesuvius erupted,
setting back the concept of this game for centuries to come.
December 31, 1547
A.D. -
With the popularity of minstrel music on the rise, one lone man, Artemis
Konamix, had developed a magnificent idea. He had his favorite minstrel, R.J.
create a song for him and the people. R.J. created two songs, the more popular
one was called "Shake Thine Booty", and the less popular was called "Sixteenth
Century Greensleeves" to which Konamix quickly etched out three arrows in a
reverse L shape to, an up, a right and a down. He dared not create a left arrow
because at the time, because anything to the left was considered against the
will of God. This idea was well liked by the commoners, but not by the Royalty.
On this date, King Edward VI had proclaimed that the song "Shake Thine
Booty" be banned as of 1548 A.D. and Artemis would be hunted down as a
heretic starting in that year. Much to Artemis's surprise, the calendar had
been changed also. Artemis was quite shocked to learn that he didn't have three
months to go into hiding. He was captured and never heard from again, but his
records went undiscovered for decades.
1612 A.D. - With British Influence
having expanded in America and Americans in the midst of a revolt, it would be
no surprise that one of the first settlements, Jamestown, VA. had Artemis's
document which a drunk sailor had picked up, because the reverse side had been
blank and he wanted to write a reward poster on that side to catch the famous
bandit Miles Konamia. He had been looting houses for two years beforehand,
leaving strange looking arrows pointing up and down, which often misled
authorities. Again, this led to many Puritans believing that arrows were quite
evil, and the concepts were scrapped yet again.
1775 A.D. - During the Revolutionary
War, the British had put a tax on everything, from tea to cigarettes to dancing
shoes, which really inflamed the Americans. Dealing with such a controversial
subject, Patrick Henry said "Give me dancing or give me death." The
historians had viewed this as too controversial and had a pool to determine
another seven-letter word to use. Liberty was used after some of the historians
had been caught playing quarters and getting drunk.
April 1861 A.D. - Abraham Lincoln had thought
about drafting an item called the "Emancipation Proclamation" which
not only freed all of the slaves, but gave them a right to dance to arrows at
their own free will. This concept was not well-grasped by Jefferson Davis and
he had gotten enough support to start an American Civil War. Again, the concept
of a dance-to-arrows game had been put on the back burner for several years.
Rumor had it that part of his Gettysburg address contained the phrase
"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers came across on this great
land, but they ain't never shakin' their booties like I can do!"
October 19, 1924 - The dance known as the
Charleston had taken off in popularity. An old WW1 veteran, Stephen Konamis,
having visions from his days in the war and all the long hours and days in the
streets of Germany, suggested an idea akin to one brought forth by Konamis,
that arrows be used to guide the people. The idea was struck down as there was
no arrow that could possibly describe the motion of putting your hands on your
knees and moving them back and forth.
July 4, 1977 - One lone intrepid Californian,
a man by the name of Michael Konamison, had been vacationing in Virginia for a
month and had found a tattered, old document that had three arrows drawn on it.
His friends told him when he showed it to them, to enjoy a nice doobie and not
to worry about those pesky arrows. During his stoned state, he had drawn a
fourth arrow, a left one, and the four arrows appeared in an "S" pattern.
His clique laughed as he held it up to a lava lamp. One of his friends laughed
so hard that he spilled Zinfandel wine on the pattern and it splashed the up
and down arrows, turning them all red. His friends laughed when he showed them
the pattern and told him to just get rid of that stupid design. Konamison had
attempted to mail the letter to himself. However, he was so stoned that his
handwriting had become illegible. The only person who could read it was a
half-Japanese postman in Southern California who believed the letter was
written in Kanji., and the letter was instead sent to a little known company
called Konami of Japan. When they got the design, and scrawled on it was the
name of the last six songs that they listened to, the programmers got an idea
to draft the game. With the current technology, they might have a working
prototype in 3 to 4 years. The Winter
of 1977 was exceptionally cold in Japan and the parchment had turned blue that
year, giving the left and right arrows a pretty blue tint that seemed to work
for this would-be legend of a company.
September 30, 1979 - Konami of Japan had been working on this wonderful
concept for over two years, and it wasn't going anywhere. A group of
programmers decided to order some sushi but it was sitting around for over an
hour. Unbeknownst to them, a top spy from Namco was listening in to hear their
idea. When one programmer said "Paku" (eat) to the other one, the
Namco guy had all they needed and thought he had the intelligence that he
needed to beat Konami to the punch. A few months later, the game
"Pac-man" was released and Konami had to hold off as they saw how
this game was raking in the big money.
March 25, 1981 - News of this great dance game
with the "S" pattern had hit all aspects of the top tevels of the
U.S. Government. During a cabinet meeting on this day, President Reagan had a
dream of watching one of his favorite old time game shows, Hollywood Squares,
and had developed a novel concept. Reagan immediately called Konami of Japan
and told them of his novel concept, that the arrows should reside on nine
plates, with the four arrows in appropriate squares (which he referred to as
Milton Berle, Charles Nelson-Reilly, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin), and metal
on the other five which he couldn't remember their names. The Konami
representative had no idea what Reagan was talking about but immediately etched
down the names and went through the TV vaults looking for the episode. Five
days later he found out and drew the arrows in their current pattern.
April 21, 1985 - After having to scrap their old "S" shaped
design, it was back to Square One for Konami. Four years had disappeared and
they were finally coming close to releasing a game called totally radical
'80s dance mania which resembled a DDR Solo 2000 game when Atari games,
having no idea what was going on, released a game called "Gauntlet".
This game, while putting this dance game on the back burner yet again, had
introduced a concept of multiple-player games. This was very disheartening,
although giving Konami an idea to make the game with two pads, and Konami
kicked the idea into a vault which the top execs promised never to open again,
that promise would hold true for nearly 11 years, until a real time of crisis
would ensue.
March 17, 1996 - After Capcom's efforts to take
over the world with unoriginality (that is, Street Fighter and the 13,205,689
clones currently available), finally Konami was in dire times. They needed
something that would stand out in the crowd, so they broke their pledge to
never open the vault again, and got out the blueprints and started again from
scratch when another devastating blow had come to them. The concept of legless
dancing with an evil song called "Macarena" was spreading across most
of the world, and not only would this song be awful, but the entire dance would
involve people's feet never leaving the ground. Many considered this song to be
the 11th plague of Egypt. However, the people of Konami were quite
determined and they were unwilling to quit, and they felt they had to overcome
this terrible adversity that not only would have people dancing without moving
their legs, but like a song that was sung entirely in Spanish.
January 15, 1997 - With the Macarena's popularity
finally fading, Konami felt the time was right for this game, however, the name
was very archaic. The hard-nosed Japanese had delved into the name ideology and
had thought of several ideas. However, it was one sole person, Junichiro
Konamisan who decided the name should be called Dance Dance Revolution.
However, marketing this would prove to be a problem as in Japan they used a 240
volt system, whereas America uses 110 volts and Europe 220 volts. It was
actually suggested that an exercise bicycle be used to make up the missing
voltage. A little known at the time man
named Lance Armstrong was the only major supporter of this idea (he also was
the only one who could generate enough power to work the 110 volt machine), so
Konami had to go back to the drawing board.
January 1, 1998 - Finally, Konami had their plug
problem fixed and six songs ready, but when they asked the Germans about the
concept, they had said "nein" which they interpreted as saying that
there should be three more songs, since few Japanese people actually knew
German. Within a few months, the game would finally be released and ready for
the Japanese and eventually, the world's markets. Henceforth, the game known as
Dance Dance Revolution would spread across the world and become the gaming
phenomenon that it is today.
Now when someone asks you about the game DDR, you know that this game took 10,000 years from the beginning of history through the modern age to make it the phenomenon that it is today.