Dear Rick,
Words aren't enough to express just how much I miss you. I know it's my fault. I know I was the one who pushed you away. I'm always the one who pushes you away. But… Every since you said Always… I was scared. Having you say that? It scared the hell out of me. And I'm just not used to being scared. I didn't know what to do. You were just there. No matter what I did, no matter what I said… You just keep coming back! Until I got used to you. You came back so many times that I actually believed you were waiting for the wall to come down. That you would wait for me to be ready, as you said you would. How was I to know? How was I supposed to know that you wouldn't? Did I wait too long? Did I ask too much? Don't you love me any longer? Is this the end of us?
Please, tell me I'm wrong. Please Castle, I need to know that I still hold your heart. Please tell me I'm still your muse, your one writer girl. I need to know we are ok Rick. I need you so I can BE ok. I need you to by my side to go through each day. I need we to beat the odds. I need to know that you love me, as I love you. I know I lied, before, telling you I didn't remember when truth is I remember every second of it. And since we are on that… Know that it was your love that made me fight that. And that's why I woke up scared. Loving you? This feeling? Is much bigger than anything I've ever felt. It's scary, it's heartbreaking… It's wonderful. Just thinking of you makes my heart beat faster. All the songs make sense Castle, and this is all because of you.
I hope you can forgive me, someday, for lying to you. I hope you can forgive me for never telling you before how much I love you. I hope you'll forgive me for being a coward about all this. I hope one day you'll forgive me for being so blind.
But I guess.. I guess I did wait too long. I guess I did miss my chance. And for that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I caused you pain, Rick. I'm sorry if I made you feel unworthy. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel the way I'm feeling now.
I just want you to know that I'll think of you. In every step of the way. I'll think of you at every moment of every day. Every coffee, every apple, every book, every cherry… It makes me think of you. And that's why I'm leaving Castle. I'm leaving because the thought of you with somebody else makes me want to shoot people. I'm leaving because there are just too many memories in here, and I can't deal with them right now. I'm leaving because I'm running out of excuses to go to your place and beg for you to go back into loving me. I'm leaving because if I don't, if I don't… Well, I don't think I'll be able to let you keep up in your life without me. Because I know I can't. Although I'll do my best to try.
I really hope you find happiness. And that you find someone who'll love you at least half as much as I do.
Goodbye Castle.
Always,
K.B.