If You Were A Booger, I'd Pick You First
and three other reasons why Blaine should never use cheesy pick-up lines
*
by padfoot
"I can't believe you fell for these! I mean, the occasional compliment, I understand, but these? I have never found such a variety of cheesy pick-up lines in one location."
Blaine's tone is half-teasing, half-disbelieving as he scrolls through the many (many) texts Chandler had sent. It makes Kurt look up from where he's standing by the shelf, carefully peeling the pink labels off every photo, miscellaneous object and item of clothing that he associates with Blaine, replacing them with blue notes.
"He was… flattering. I haven't had someone flirt with me like that since-"
Kurt can feel his face heat up, and idly wonders if this is karma's revenge for him admitting that recently Blaine has rarely made him blush, because right now he seems to be having no problems with it at all.
On the bed, Blaine is moving, tossing Kurt's phone onto the sheets and toeing off his shoes so he can pull up his legs and cross them. Kurt glances back to see his boyfriend with both hands resting in his lap and that pouty-lipped, wide-eyed, pseudo-patronising expression on his face.
"Since?" Blaine prompts, eyebrows raised.
Sighing, Kurt turns around fully, leaning back on the shelves a bit to try and give off some air of composure, as he mumbles, "Since… you."
"Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that, would you mind speaking up?" Blaine's voice is all honest confusion, but his eyes are sparkling now and his chin is dipped a little so that Kurt can experience the full effect of the well-practised smoulder.
"I said, 'since you', Blaine. No one has flirted with me like that since you."
Blaine's victory smile is dazzling enough to make Kurt's annoyance fade, and he deposits the stack of sticky notes before moving closer to the bed, stopping to stand at the end, looking down at his grinning boyfriend.
"Which is ridiculous, really," Kurt adds, expression oh-so-blasé as he lets his gaze travel boredly around the room, settling on an interesting speck on the wall. In his peripheral vision, he can see when Blaine uncrosses his legs and wriggles closer, until he's kneeling right on the edge of the bed, mere millimetres away. Blaine stares up - golden eyes filtered through long, dark eyelashes, as Kurt continues, "Because you weren't even meaning to flirt with me all that time. You thought we were just friends."
"And I still did a better job at it than Chandler did. How embarrassing for him," Blaine is shaking his head as if he pities the poor boy, but both his hands have settled on his boyfriend's thighs and are slowly moving higher, fingers tracing up the outside seam of Kurt's jeans with light, tingling touches.
Kurt bites his lip as Blaine's fingers reach his hips, hooking over the waist of his pants to dig into the material of his white shirt, as if he's trying to break through it to the warm skin beneath. They both feel as goosebumps rise on Kurt's stomach, and Blaine lets out a small chuckle before letting his touch wander higher, palms finally settling against his boyfriend's chest.
"Can you feel my heartbeat?" Kurt asks, reaching out to touch Blaine's cheek.
Blaine shuffles closer and stretches up so they're at eye level with each other. He nods, "It's going so fast."
"You know it only does that when you're around? Nothing else can do it. Nothing and no one. Well, occasionally a really good sale or a flawless musical performance, but that's it. Mostly just you. Only you"
"Only me, music and clothes?"
"Good, discounted clothes."
"So, if I surprised you with a breath-taking performance of Money, Money, Money in the middle of a 'Macy's' store on Boxing Day…"
"I would remind you of the 'Gap Attack' incident and-"
"Okay! Say no more."
But Blaine is smiling as he says it, as if over time the inevitable train-wreck that marred the whole of his sophomore year has become a fond memory. Kurt smiles back, laughing a little at how much everything has changed.
"I'm serious though," he finally says, picking up Blaine's hands and holding them in his as he turns and sits down next to him on the bed. "Back then, even when you weren't really interested in me, you still made me feel special and talented and… desirable. Sort of."
"I still think you're all those things," Blaine assures him. "In fact, now I know you're all of that and so, so, so much more. You're just… incredible, or- no, you're indescribable, Kurt. I can't- there aren't- nothing, no word, no phrase, no anythingis good enough for me to tell you how amazing you are and how much I love you and how sure I am that I want to be with you for the rest of my life."
He's tearing up now a bit a Kurt is too and why weren't they saying this all a week ago? How in the world did either of them ever think that they weren't enough for each other, that any part of their lives could operate without the other in it? What had made Kurt think that Blaine didn't do this to him anymore?
Because he is there - so much more flushed and heart-pounding and safewarmhot, than Chandler's texts had ever made him.
"God, I love you," Kurt blurts out, pulling Blaine into a hug.
He can hear Blaine's muffled response and feel it against his skin, but doesn't let him pull away, just stays there on his bed, holding his boyfriend tight. Blaine seems content not to move either, busying himself pressing soft kisses into Kurt's shoulder, his neck, while their hands twine and untwine, twisting into complicated knots, as if trying to find the best way to link together so they'll never be able to separate.
Kurt shivers as Blaine's lips creep up to his ear, teeth briefly tugging on the lobe before he kisses around the rim, breath loud and wet and ooh.
"Kurt?"
"Hmm?"
"You're so sweet, you'll put Hershey's out of business."
"What?"
"If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."
"Blaine-!"
"You're so hot, your ass is practically on fire."
"Oh, God, this cannot be happening to me…"
"I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away, baby."
"You know, that would actually be sweet if not for-"
Blaine pulls back, his expression frustrated.
"Excuse me, Kurt, could you please stop interrupting? Here I am, trying to flatter you and you won't even let me get to the good ones! How am I supposed to flirt with you if you won't let me compare you to a booger?"
"That's disgusting, Blaine. Completely disgusting."
They stare at each other for a moment, trying to see who can hold a straight face for the longest. As usual, Blaine cracks first, grinning widely and falling forward to bury his head in his boyfriend's neck, throwing his arms around Kurt's neck in a rough hug as he all but sobs with laughter into his front.
Kurt rubs Blaine's back placatingly, rolling his eyes down at the boy who is doing his utmost to thoroughly ruin his new shirt. Eventually, sick of waiting for Blaine to calm down, Kurt lies back on his bed with a thump, pulling Blaine with him so he's lying on top of him, still hiccuping out the occasional cackle as he tries to extricate his arms from where they've been trapped beneath Kurt.
"Are you going to recover anytime soon, or should I start devising a ration scheme so we can both survive while you continue to laugh at how absolutely hilarious you think you are."
Blaine shakes his head, looking up with his teeth clamped down on a quivering bottom lip as he fights to hold in more laughter.
"I'm done," he finally replies, managing to free a hand just in time to press it to his mouth and hide another chuckle. "You just have no idea how funny your expression was when I-"
He cuts himself off (wisely), taking note of Kurt's unamused expression.
"Sorry. I'll stop."
"You'll stop laughing or you'll stop using terrible pick-up lines on me?"
"I'll stop laughing," Blaine hedges, hurriedly adding, "And I promise there is only one more pick-up line. I promise I'll stop after that, really."
"Really?"
"Cross my heart. After that maybe you can show me how well my attempts at flattery have worked?"
This is accompanied by a suggestive eyebrows wiggle that has Kurt fighting to resist a smile.
"Fine. One more."
Blaine grins again, sliding off of Kurt's chest to sit beside him on the covers.
"Okay, you need to sit up for this one though. You ready for it?"
Kurt lets out an exasperated sigh and props himself up on his elbows, fixing his eyes on his boyfriend. He watches as Blaine puts on an act of warming up: rubbing his hands together, taking deep breaths like he's preparing to run a marathon. Suddenly, his eyes get this blank sort of look - hurried, absent, shy. He ducks his head down, avoiding Kurt's gaze.
Then, he looks up.
Eyes wide with wonder, as if he's looking to the sun or seeing an angel or falling in love all over again, he opens his mouth.
"Hi," he says, "My name's Blaine."