Disclaimer: What if my name was Christine Daaé, I had blond (or brown—pick your favorite version) curly hair, I could sing like anything and loved to do it, I was breathtakingly lovely, and I was a young, innocent ingénue in the Paris Opera House? Would I then own Erik? (BTW, some of these things are true about me; I leave you to guess which ones.)
Author's Note: If any of you Phans out there are also Artemis Fowl fans, you may have seen my work, or even read one or more of my stories. If you have, I'd like to apologize to you (and especially to any readers of my story "Now or Never" who may be out there) for having not updated in so long. (Please continue reading below.)
ALL READERS, PLEASE READ THIS: I have just returned from a long hiatus, as you will be aware if you have read any of my other work. This hiatus was caused by a combination of writer's block, vacationing muses, the intrusion of life (especially school and other important things) on my time, and new hobbies that took up my spare time and attention. While my muses seem to have finally returned, and the writer's block has been somewhat alleviated, the other two things are still concerns. Please be aware that at this point I'm unable to make any guarantees about updates, at least as regards when they will be coming (although if you have read "Now or Never," you will hopefully be pleased to know that I haven't abandoned it, and do plan on finishing it, once I can figure out how to flesh out and un-cheesiness-ify my original plans for the end of the story, which were made at least three or four years ago and are consequently not up to my current standard). This shouldn't be a concern for this story, since it's a list, and therefore more or less complete in itself—although if I think of more, I will probably add another chapter. However, I thought you'd like to know for the future, since I would like to continue writing fics (whether Phan or otherwise), and have several ideas…
So…please be patient and try to bear with me if you read or have read any of my other stuff, either in the past or anything I may post in the future (at least until further notice). I appreciate anyone who reads anything I've written. I'd like to thank you all for clicking on my story, and, without further ado, I welcome you to…
New Year's Resolutions of a Phangirl
1. I will never again sell admission to Erik's lair as a haunted house at Halloween, and none of the spooky tricks I used will ever cross my mind again. The fact that I do, indeed, value my life will be proven as I refrain, in particular, from:
a. Playing creepy music on the organ (no matter HOW cool it sounds)
b. Allowing guests into Erik's bedroom, even to look at the coffin he sleeps in
c. Making ANY reference to:
d. "The Living Corpse"
e. "The Devil's Child"
f. Freak shows
g. Dr. Frankenstein or his monster (particularly when said reference(s) = my theory that Frankenstein's monster was actually Erik's grandfather/other predecessor—hence the…INTERESTING facial features)
h. Dyeing Ayesha black (*IS she a black cat?)
i. Convincing Christine, Meg, and Madame Giry to dress up as witches (especially when lovely Christine, who likes costumes, shows up in the lair wearing fake warts, thereby causing Erik to have a heart attack; and, when he's scarcely recovered from this, she gives him a stroke as she repeatedly shrieks a phrase with the word "kill" in it because she's only just noticed the fake cobwebs on her witch's hat—not to mention their rubber-but-remarkably-lifelike inhabitants)
j. Turning the torture chamber into a haunted forest, including a realistic-looking dummy hanging from the Punjab lasso in the tree, etc.
k. Using Erik's entire supply of candles to create a mysterious, smoky atmosphere—and, in the process, accidentally causing Christine to cough until her voice gives out
l. Putting a "Miss Havisham" label on Erik's Christine-As-A-Bride mannequin
2. If I (accidentally or not!) bring my cold germs with me into Erik's lair, not only will he not be pleased, but he'll be quite DISpleased when he gets sick; he will refuse any care I may attempt to give, up to and including my grandmother's recipe for homemade chicken soup (even though it's a proven cure), because he blames me for the situation. He will also blame me when Christine accuses him of being hypocritical because he is still attempting to talk and sing, and when she is mortified because she forgot about his nose and brought him a large stack of handkerchiefs. Furthermore, when he loses his voice altogether—having disregarded Christine's accusation of hypocrisy—and can't shout or make sarcastic comments at me, he will resort to looking for his Punjab lasso and glaring menacingly at me since he can't find the weapon (which Nadir, in an effort to spare a few lives, has hidden; I must remember to congratulate him on his superb timing).
3. Erik will be still less pleased if, noting the predicament he's in (see #2) and the fact that he won't let me take care of him, I try to make myself useful in another way: namely, becoming his substitute. I will therefore refrain, in future, from "ruining the Opera Ghost's reputation" (according to Erik, at least) by doing any of the following:
a. Dressing myself in his hat, cape, mask, or any other article of clothing belonging to him
b. Dressing myself in a similar hat, cape, mask, or any other article of clothing that imitates his own
c. Singing "It's A Small World," "The Song That Never Ends," or "The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves" through Christine's dressing room mirror (even if I sing it/them in my best opera-style voice and/or with good singing technique)
d. Singing "My Favorite Things" (from "The Sound of Music") through Christine's mirror
e. Singing any of the songs listed in c and d ANYWHERE AT ALL, particularly if the Fop is around to hear (this, as I unfortunately have good cause to know, will cause the Fop to be startled, incredulous, and then mocking, and Erik has still not heard the last of it from Raoul, the managers, or even Christine. Needless to say, he is NOT happy)
f. Accidentally dropping a set piece the wrong way—thereby giving myself a nasty bruise—and shouting, "OUCH!" while trying to get rid of La Carlotta
g. Attempting to sneak away after committing crime f and failing miserably by tripping over a costume dummy, grabbing another, and falling into a third, thus causing a large group of props to fall like bowling pins and creating an enormous disarray—not to mention the noise!
h. Being caught by the managers because I'm sitting tangled in/otherwise trapped by the things that fell (see crime g) and shouting for help so that I can get out
i. After committing crimes f, g, and h, proceeding to shout for someone to let me out of the room I've been locked in while the managers are in the next room discussing what to do next and why on earth my voice sounds female
j. Having been asked for explanations by the managers (following crimes f, g, h, and i), making things EVEN WORSE by sitting there giggling instead of explaining
k. Coming up with an insane story to tell the managers after crimes f, g, h, i, and j—particularly a story that involves alien abduction, Raoul de Chagny in disguise, the Shah of Persia, and dust bunnies
l. Getting myself committed to a lunatic asylum by the managers because of crimes f, g, h, i, j, and k, and not even making them think they've got rid of the Opera Ghost with my going, as they have come to the conclusion that I'm too much of a raving lunatic to be the one causing the trouble (O.G. as a lunatic they can believe, but they figure that he must be a CLEVER lunatic in order to have caused so much mayhem without being caught)
m. To top crimes f, g, h, i, j, k, and l off, making Erik come and rescue me from the lunatic asylum, particularly when he already has a cold (A/N: Does anyone besides me see a bit of a "hole-in-the-bucket" effect here?)
4. I must never again stop up the pipes of Erik's organ with ANYTHING, especially when said object possesses an objectionable color, scent, taste, and/or texture, and ESPECIALLY especially when said object produces an objectionable sound (well, really ANY sound) upon being blown out of the organ pipe(s). This resolution is still more important if said object is likely, upon being blown out of the pipe(s) as mentioned, to land on Erik's head, thus rendering him incapable of working on his music until he goes to wash his hair/change his clothes/otherwise attend to his appearance/grooming/personal comfort. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE, EVEN ON APRIL FOOLS' DAY (which holiday Erik, naturally, does not celebrate and has no use for, so that he will be really very irritated should others attempt to celebrate it while in his lair). It is particularly inadvisable to put such objects as candle wax, wet sponges, masks, cats, and wedding dresses into the organ pipe(s).
5. Never, ever, EVER again will I pinch Erik because he's not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, nor will I attempt to force him to wear green by ANY MEANS WHATSOEVER, including, but not limited to:
a.. Painting his mask green
b. Dyeing his cloak green
c.. Dyeing Ayesha green
d. Putting green hair color in his shampoo
e. Asking Christine to beg and plead with him to wear green (Note: Despite what one might think, this does NOT work. Erik is too clever to think that what Christine is asking for it actually her idea)
f. Making an "irresistible" puppy-dog face at him and asking, "Pwease pwetty pwease, wif bwoccowi on top?" (Note: Erik will not be in any way amused or moved by the pout, impressive as it may be. He will, in fact, proceed to raise his eyebrows, look menacing, and then go back to his music and ignore the offender for the next several hours.)
6. I will not beg Erik to teach me all the languages he knows, nor will I use curse word substitutions such as "schmetterlingwürst" (A/N: …which, for all non-German-speakers out there, means "butterfly sausage").
7. I must never again sneak up behind Erik when he's playing his organ and make bunny ears above his head.
8. I must never again sneak up behind Erik, cover his eyes, and say, "Guess who?"
9. I must never again sneak up behind Erik AT ALL!
10. I must never attempt to tell Christine how to sing, even if I am correct in what I say; this is SOLELY AND EXCLUSIVELY Erik's job.
11. I will never convince Christine to help me plot and execute practicaljokes against Erik.
12. I must not attempt to repair Erik's pipe organ. EVER. Especially if it wasn't broken in the first place (so I forgot to turn the volume up from zero…so WHAT? It could happen to anyone, right?)
13. I will never again make any loud noise whatsoever when Erik is attempting to work.
14. I will never again make ANY noise whatsoever when Erik is attempting to work. In fact, from now on, I will be perfectly quiet while he is trying to work, on pain of—well, severe pain. Or maybe death, depending on his mood.
15. It is very important that I do not, under any circumstances, attempt to celebrate Thanksgiving by dressing up in a turkey costume with a matching feathered mask!
16. It is equally important that I do not attempt to celebrate Christmas by dressing up in a Santa outfit with a matching white furry mask, and, should I fail to pay attention to this regulation, I must NEVER wander the halls of the Opera House shouting, "Ho, ho, ho! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and singing off-key carols.
17. Yet another thing I must never do: Shout, "Happy New Year!" loudly while Erik is attempting to compose (even if it IS New Year's Eve), and then force him to sing "Auld Lang Syne" for me.
18. In addition to all of this, I will never ride a Segway through the corridors of the Opera House.
19. Another thing I haven't mentioned: I must not hug Erik. Ever. Under ANY circumstances. (Unless, of course, I want to be attacked with a Punjab lasso, since Erik takes unexpected hugs as attempt to strangle him.)
20. Still another thing I should never do: Spell Erik's name with a "C" instead of a "K," just to annoy him.
21. In addition to all of the above rules, I must never start shouting at the book characters while reading. Laughing MIGHT be acceptable, depending on what Erik is doing and his mood, but no talking, and, as I mentioned, NO SHOUTING. Not only will this startle Erik, but he may also think I'm talking to him, and since I normally yell at book characters when they're doing something wrong/being stupid (i.e. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Grab the sword—no, you IDIOT! Stop and think a minute!", etc.), Erik may believe that these insults—I mean, comments—are directed at him; he will most likely act accordingly.
22. I must never attempt to sing one of the songs that Erik has written solely for Christine. I must also avoid singing the songs that Erik particularly likes, those that Christine particularly likes, and the ones that Christine sings often.
23. I will not, under ANY circumstances at all, sing "Music of the Night" in or near the Opera House—even if I'm 100% sure that I'm alone, Erik will pop up. Actually, I will never sing "Music of the Night" anywhere in Paris—no, make that anywhere in France. Or Persia. Or Japan. Or Italy…
24. I must not ever attempt to hit a high "C" in Erik's presence. I don't break glass, but the last time I did this, he claimed that he went temporarily deaf, and, needless to say, was VERY angry that he couldn't compose, sing, or give Christine lessons.
25. I must never kill spiders in front of Erik (A/N: Actually, I don't like killing them anyway, but I'm scared of them…I usually get my brother or my dad to put a spider outside if I see it, and/or I get away from it as soon as I can).
26. I must not mention scorpions or grasshoppers in front of Erik.
27. I will never again go into the torture chamber with a glass of water, gargle, and shout, "Help, Erik! I'm drowning!" (For the record, I'll never brush my teeth in there, either, just in case he hears the gargling…)
28. I must never use Erik's Punjab lasso as a jump rope.
29. I must never use the lasso as a hula-hoop.
30. I must never use the lasso for tug-o'-war, either.
31. I must never use the Punjab lasso to make a dramatic swing from Box 5.
32. Having done the above, I must not act like Tarzan or say/sing, "Watch out for that—" CRASH! "—tree…"
33. I must never fish in Erik's lake.
34. I must especially avoid using Erik's Punjab lasso to fish in the lake.
35. If I have ignored the above resolutions, I will not buy fish and pretend I caught them in the lake.
36. I must never try to convince Erik that the Little Mermaid lives in his lake (needless to say, it won't work).
37. I will not replace Erik's biggest organ pipe with a bassoon.
38. I will not replace ANY of the organ pipes with ANY instrument—or any object, for that matter.
39. I must never use Erik's Christine mannequin as a piñata.
40. I must never again blindfold Erik. This will NOT turn out well.
41. In addition to the above two crimes, I will never try to trick the blindfolded (and thus already extremely annoyed) Erik into hitting my "piñata" by suddenly shouting, "Ahhhh! It's Raoul!" or by putting a CD player with an audio recording of Raoul's voice on, near, or inside the doll.
42. I must not beg Erik to teach me ventriloquism.
43. I will not say, "Look! A distraction!" or "Hey, 'gullible' is written on the ceiling!"
44. Should Erik happen to actually look when I tell him that gullible is written on the ceiling or that there's a distraction over there, I must NOT attempt to steal his current page of sheet music/pen/ink/anything else that belongs to him or that he is using.
45. Furthermore, should he actually look away to try and find the distraction or the word "gullible," I will not rub it in when he realizes how idiotic he was to look.
46. I won't say, "pretty please with sugar on top". Erik does not like sugar.
47. I will not call his lair/house a cave.
48. I must never switch his mask and cloak with a Batman mask and cloak.
49. If I absolutely must do the above, I will NOT dress up as Robin.
50. I will not kidnap Christine and tell Erik that she's moved to Timbuktu.
51. I will definitely not tell Erik that Christine has given up on both him and Raoul, and has eloped with Nadir instead.
52. I will not jump from Box 5 with a hang glider.
53. Should I feel an irresistible urge to hang glide from Box 5, I will avoid doing so in the middle of the latest opera.
54. Under ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES may I give Erik a pie in the face.
55. I mustn't dress up as an angel and sing to Christine through her mirror.
56. I may not put on my make-up and/or fix my hair in the torture chamber.
57. I may not put a rubber duck in the torture chamber.
58. I may not put a rubber duck anywhere in the lair.
59. I must not put a teddy bear in Erik's coffin.
60. I must not put a teddy bear anywhere in the lair.
61. Erik does not find it amusing when I hide, then jump out at him and yell, "Boo!" He will be still less amused should I play this trick on Christine, since she, unlike Erik, would probably be unaware that I was there, and she'd likely jump and scream (which would hurt her voice…besides, Erik detests screaming, even if it isn't due to his face).
62. I will never attempt to blackmail Erik. (Just in case I'm thinking of ignoring this rule, I must remind myself that it won't work; he'll simply kill me and be done with it.)
63. I won't give Erik a birthday celebration.
64. If I absolutely must give him a celebration, I will not invite Christine, Nadir, Madame Giry, and Meg to the party.
65. Having failed to pay attention to these last rules, I must not try to get him to blow out the candles on his cake, nor will I ask him what his wish is.
66. I will never take pictures of Erik. He will NOT be happy with the way they turn out.
67. If I do take pictures of him, I must resist the temptation to tell him to say, "Cheese!"
68. Even if I have followed the previous rule, it does not mean that I can ask him to say, "Opera!" or even, "Christine!" instead.
69. I will not call Erik "Two-Face" (from Batman).
70. I mustn't sing "Beauty and the Beast" anywhere in or near the lair, Christine's dressing room, the stage—well, I won't sing it in or near the Opera House.
71. I must not try to hide the trapdoor that leads to the torture chamber by covering it with leaves and twigs that I've brought from outside. The Fop might fall for this, but no one else will.
72. I will not set off the torture chamber alarm, then rush back into the lair, pretend to look through the two-way mirror to the torture chamber, and shout, "Oh, no! Christine's in there!"
73. I must never give Erik chocolate for Valentine's Day.
74. I will never ask Erik for a piggyback ride.
75. I will never offer to cut Erik's hair for him.
76. Having done the above, I most definitely will not actually cut his hair (especially not while he's asleep) and "accidentally" give him a Mohawk.
77. I will not ask Erik if I can read his diary.
78. I may never say, "Ooohhh! Shiny!" in Erik's presence.
79. I must not complain to Erik that he's good at everything (even if it's true).
80. I may not ever sing—or even mention—pop music in Erik's presence. (A/N: Actually, I don't like most pop music…but there are a few songs I kind of like…)
81. I must also refrain from telling Erik that I'm jealous of him. Both this and the above will cause him to either go on a bitter rant for several hours, or, if he's in a good mood, laugh until he cries.
82. I must not beg Erik to teach me martial arts/self-defense.
83. I must not shout, "Hi-yaaa!" in the lair.
84. I will not ask Erik every day if he's invented television yet.
85. I will not ask Erik about his inventions at all.
86. I will not touch Erik's inventions.
87. I will not breathe on Erik's inventions.
88. I will not even look at Erik's inventions (unless, of course, he tells me to; should I fail to comply with such an order…well, the results would not be pleasant).
89. I would be much safer if I simply refrained from entering a room where his inventions are.
90. I will never forge a note from the Opera Ghost to the managers.
91. I will not write Erik notes in red ink.
92. I must definitely not write Erik notes and sign them, "O.G. Jr." In fact, I would be wise never to write Erik notes at all.
93. I will never tell Erik that if he kills me, I will come back to haunt him as a ghost.
94. I will not dress up as the ghost of Buquet or Piangi and "haunt" Erik.
95. I will not make up parodies of Erik's songs.
96. I must never tell Erik that I am bored. He will find something for me to do, and it will most likely involve attempting to swim, fully clothed, in the lake (maybe with something heavy in my pocket, if he's in a really foul mood).
97. I will never lie down in Erik's coffin and pretend to be dead.
98. I will never lie down in Erik's coffin, close the lid, and then, when he enters his room, slowly open the lid, sit up, and act like the undead.
99. I must never attempt to convince Erik to go to a tanning salon.
100. I must never tell Erik that he has gorgeous eyes.
101. I must also avoid telling him that I love his hair.
102. It would be smart of me to refrain entirely from telling Erik that anything about him is handsome, beautiful, or any other positive adjective.
103. Erik is not interested in my troubles. I will therefore never mention them in front of him.
104. I will never play "Worst Day Poker" with Erik. He will ALWAYS win.
105. Should I choose to ignore any of the above resolutions, there is one rule I ABSOLUTELY MUST follow: I will NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AT ALL, ON PAIN OF TORTURE AND DEATH, touch, breathe on, look at, or do anything else to or with Erik's mask.
A/N: Well, that's it for now!
If you like it, drop me a review and let me know. Constructive criticism is also welcomed. Do not send me flames.
Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur.
Your obedient servant,
A.A. (Almighty Authoress)