It's hard being left behind. It's even harder when you don't know if she's alive. Who she is… what she's become.
I put my heart in her hands for safekeeping.
More fool me.
bpov
"Dad, how much did you have to drink last night?" I am standing in my childhood kitchen, hands on hips glaring at my soon-to-be-wed father, and he can't meet my eye. Billy dropped him off this morning, promising to re-enact Charlie's exemplary drunken dad-dancing later. Seeing Billy's warm smile for the first time in so long had made my heart ache. Until I'd seen my father's face.
He groans, rubbing circles on his temples. "Definitely enough." He can't hide the small smirk. As bad as he is feeling now, I know he is basking in happiness. He is getting married and I came home. A day of dreams for Charlie. I smirk right back at him and hand over pain-killers and a sweating glass of cold oj.
"Thanks Bells, I knew there was a reason I loved having you home. Suppose I'd better shake myself human again and get ready. Don't want to keep my wife waiting." I am torn between slapping him and hugging him, my wonderful, silly father.
"Yes, get ready. And brush your teeth. I can smell cheap beer a mile away." I admonish as he hauls himself up the stairs. I'm pretending that I'm calm and collected and grown up, but it is becoming near-impossible to keep up the pretence. My stomach has been in knots for the past three weeks waiting for today. I'm dreading seeing Jacob after so long. After what happened, how we left everything. The image of his devastated face after my wedding is burnt on the back of my eyelids. It's all I see every time I close my eyes. I'm hoping that the five years will have healed him in some way, but I know it won't have. All I know is that my heart is still beating, that I am still me. That has to count for something surely? I'm gripping the counter top like a life raft. I slowly ease away my fingers, smooth down my dress and take a deep breath. I can hear Charlie clattering around upstairs.
"Dad, you ready? We're going to be late if you don't get yourself moving!" He comes down the stairs, tying his tie.
"Yep, let's get this show on the road Bella." He's smiling so much, it's wonderful to see. For one day I can at least shove my stupid problems aside and be happy for my glowing father. I take his hand in mine and pull him towards the car.
The ceremony went without a hitch. I'm standing at the bar burning holes into Jacob's back. He looked like a god standing at the top of the aisle in his charcoal grey suit, hair cropped, steadfastly refusing to meet my eye as I walked with my arm linked through Charlie's. He hasn't acknowledged my existence once. Although what did I really expect? For him to sweep me off my feet and tell me he loves me still? Well, a small part of me wished he would.
"Bella! You look amazing, so good to finally see you again." Embry's buoyant voice pulls me out of my trance. He looks very dapper in his suit. I smile.
"Good to see you too. It's been too long. How's things been?" We are both avoiding talking about the past, and we both know it.
"Can't complain. The garage is doing well. No more crazy leeches, so we're all pretty chilled now."
"Yeah I bet. So, how's the rest of the pack?" Don't mention Jacob, don't mention Jacob.
"We're good Bella, Emily's pregnant, has Charlie told you? Sam is too excited, he's turned into some kind of baby-monster. He's worse than Em!" He chuckles. I'd seen Emily's growing stomach earlier today but hadn't had a chance to congratulate her yet. "But apart from that, nothing much to report. Have you… uh… spoken to er, Jakeyet?" He's squirming almost as much as I am.
"No."
"Uh, ok. Well, should probably get back! Good to see you." He practically runs across the room. Well, what else was I meant to say? I haven't spoken to him. God, I need a drink. I catch the barman's eye and order a double whisky on the rocks.
The cool glass in my hands and the burn of the spirit in my throat centres me. I take a deep breath and head over to Jacob. It's now or never.
I reach him and feel the warmth radiating out from his tense back. It's all I can do to not run the last few steps and throw myself into his arms. I touch him gently on the shoulder and he locks his muscles against my fingers, even though I know he would have heard me moving towards him from across the room. He doesn't turn around.
"Jacob?" I can see his jaw clenching and unclenching rhythmically. I don't take my hand away. "Jake?" He slowly turns. Shivering as though he's going to phase at the slightest push. I resolve not to push him.
Our eyes meet and my stomach flips a thousand times in a second. "Bella Cullen. What a nice surprise." He is grimacing and clenching a glass so tightly I can see it starting to crack.
"It's Swan actually." I'm suddenly tired and snappy and furious with him for no reason.
He glares down at me. "Oh, sorry. My mistake. Well…" He smirks, a vicious glint in his eye "It was your mistake really wasn't it?" My heart-rate is soaring. I want to slap him. I want to stroke his cheek and hold his face and weep and tell him I'm sorry and beg for his forgiveness. But I certainly don't want to fight at Charlie's wedding.
"Ok Jacob, it was obviously a bad idea to come over. I'll let you get back to your friends." I take my hand away. They used to be my friends as well. He glares at me for a second before his expression softens infinitesimally. This is my chance. "I'd really like to talk to you properly though, clear the air a bit?"
He backs away from me, seething "Clear the air?" He's shaking now. "Clear the air? Are you kidding me? Are you telling me you have the audacity to walk over here, and ask to clear the air? Get out of my sight Bella before I say something I really regret." I am stuck for a moment, stunned by his furious outburst.
"Fine. I'm sorry. I should never have said anything. I'm back for a while and I just wanted to…" I don't know what I wanted. His pack brothers are slowly closing in around him, creating a protective wall of muscle and glaring eyes. I need to get outside and calm the hell down. I turn on my heel and head through the double doors, sucking in lungful's of air as I go.
Leah is leaning against the far wall of the parking lot at the back of the hall, staring at me as I walk over.
"Well, well, well. Vampire girl returns. I guess Jacob wasn't all that pleased to see you?" She's grinning. I take this as a good thing.
I walk over and lean next to her. "Indeed. If looks could kill I would be 6 feet under by now." I'm surprised at how easy it is to talk to her. Guess she's over holding grudges. "I wish I could make this right, but I just have no idea where to begin."
"Well of course you don't. You fucked off and left him broken for months Bella. You can't expect him to jump for joy seeing you again can you? Be reasonable. You married a fucking lee- uh… another man, after telling Jacob you loved him. What did you think would happen?" She of course speaks the truth.
"I know Leah, I know." I stare at my feet, scuffing the toe of my black pumps. "I just didn't expect him to be so…" Leah cocks her eyebrow at me, waiting for me to continue. "So damned angry. I mean, I get it! I really do, but we've grown up, moved on-"
She stops me with a raised hand. "Moved on? Have you?"
"Well, I left Edward four years ago. But no, I can't move on from Jacob. I can't seem to let him go, even though I know it's selfish of me to keep holding on to him. I'm trying, I am. " I say in a rush.
"Well I never thought I'd see the day that little ol' Bells grew a pair. You left Edward four years ago? What happened?" Her voice is sharp, but not unfriendly.
"Jacob happened. You know what they say? Absence makes the heart grow fonder and always wanting what you can't have. Well that's exactly what happened. I couldn't get over Jacob and it was ruining Edward. He tried to help me, but I was horrible to him. We don't speak anymore. I was a truly hideous person, Leah, you have no idea."
"Well, if you left Edward anything like you left Jake, I'm sure I have a pretty good idea." Her eyes are boring into me. I'm sweating with nerves and pent up frustration. "Look, go enjoy the rest of the party. Jacob will calm down eventually. How long are you staying for?"
"A while, I've got an apartment in Port Angeles that I'm looking at on Monday. The publishing firm I work for offered me a transfer. I've just got to decide whether or not I want to stay. It's kind of nice being out of New York though, the quiet calms me."
"Well enjoy it while you can, because being around Jacob isn't going to be calm you one little tiny bit. I'll be surprised if he hasn't ripped your head off within the next week. Nice seeing you Vamps." She pushes off the wall and heads back into the fray. I stand outside a while longer, willing myself to regain control and act like the adult I now officially am. I'm glaring at my toes when I hear footsteps and Jacob is standing three feet away, not looking at me.
"How long are you back for?" He has stopped shaking, but his muscles are bunched, ready for impact it seems.
"My publishing firm has offered me a transfer. Charlie wants me to take it."
"Right."
"Yep. So. How have you been?" I almost slap myself the second the sentence leaves my mouth.
He glances at me, a tiny smile playing about his full lips. "That's a very, very stupid question Isabella." At least he's smiling.
"Sorry. Wasn't thinking."
"Do you ever think?"
"Sometimes, but I tend to shock myself so much when it happens that I resolve not to do it again for a while." I am screaming inside: touch me! Come closer! I need to feel your hands on me, please.
"Clearly." He steps forward, eyes finally meeting mine. My heart picks up. I know he can hear it.
"Look Jake, I know whatever I say won't fix anything, but you have to-"
His fists clench instantly at my words. "Have to what exactly? I don't think I have to do anything you say actually. In fact I have no idea why I'm even wasting my time out here with you. All I know is that I wanted to see you. But I didn't realise just how fucking angry I was with you until you got here. It's taking all of my energy not to lose it with you entirely, Bella." I hold his gaze.
"I understand that Jacob. Trust me, I'm angry with myself. I don't want you to forgive me, I know it's not going to work like that, but I do miss you. I've missed you every day since I left."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING LEFT ME!" He's screaming in my face, inches away. His eyes are black pools of fury and hatred and pain. And I caused it all. He grabs me by the tops of my arms, shaking me. "How could you Bella? And then walk back here and want to talk to me? Tell me you miss me? What the fuck goes through your mind to make you think that is a good idea?" His hands are cutting off the circulation to my palms.
"Jacob, let go of me."
"Fuck you Bella. Fuck you." He drops my arms and storms back into the hall.
jpov
I can't breathe, I am shaking so much it's a wonder I haven't phased. Embry, Seth and Quil are by my side seconds after I step back through the doors. Seth is rubbing my arm, trying to soothe me. I want to rip his head off.
"Jake, calm down man. Not here." Quil is begging. I can't see straight.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm ok. I just need a minute." My fury at Bella is undeniable. A force I cannot control, I want to scream at her and shake her and make her see. Make her feel as bad as I do. I've gone from a nervous teenage boy to a snarling hulk of a man with one look at brown eyes. I need to pull myself together. People are starting to stare. My vision is blurring and I have to get a hold of myself. I inhale slowly, filling my lungs and exhale. And repeat. The pack is on high alert, a twitching body of muscle, while their pathetic alpha tries his damndest to pull himself together. The shaking is slowing down and I slowly open my eyes.
"Jesus Jake, what the fuck was that?" Seth is peering at me, his eyes wide. I don't know if I trust myself not to lose it so I don't speak, just continue on breathing and calming. The double doors open and I smell her before I hear her heartbeat, what was once such a soothing sound is now my own personal hell.
"Get me the fuck out of here." I haven't felt this out of control… ever. My hands are at my scalp tugging my hair. Paul and Quil flank me and guide me to the doors as quickly as possible. I catch Bella's eye as I'm trying not to phase.
She takes a step towards me, concern etched on her face. "Jacob?"
Paul snarls at her "Bella, now is not a good time. Just get back to Charlie. Seriously." He heaves me forcibly towards the exit, everyone is staring. Bella looks like she might argue, her bottom lip quivering. She takes a step towards me. Why is she affecting me like this? I'm simultaneously furious at myself and panicking that I might lose it entirely. "Bella, just back off! Goddamit." We are at the door, just three more steps. My wolf is winning this battle, I have to get outside. Paul finally manages to haul me out the doors into the parking lot when Charlie, red-faced with anger and whiskey yanks my shirt, and tugs me to a stop.
"Now what in the hell is going on here Jacob? Pull yourself together and stop causin' a damned scene." I bow my head at his words, I couldn't even hold it together long enough to not screw up today for him. I feel like a scolded toddler.
"I'm sorry Charlie, I really don't know what happened… I haven't seen her in-"
"I don't care. You're both adults now Jacob, start acting like it." He turns on his heel and walks back inside. I know he's right. I turn and stare at my pack. "Guys, I am so sorry. It's not acceptable. I'd be on your throats in a second if one of you pulled a stunt like that. I don't know what the fuck happened."
"Jake, it's fine, we've got your back." Seth, as always is hugely forgiving and optimistic. I give him a grateful smile.
"I'm going to head back to mine, calm down a bit. Call if you need anything. Have a good night guys." Paul slaps my back, the rest of them raise a hand to me and head back inside. I'm panting, but finally have my anger under almost control. I reach into my pocket and pull out the keys to my truck, I wander over to it, still trying to shove down the wolf's need to phase right here and right now when I hear tiny footsteps behind me. I growl involuntarily, almost too scared to turn around and face her. Why the fuck cant she just let me be? I heave a sigh, and rest my forehead against the roof of the truck. Breathe in, and exhale. Repeat.
I suck in a breath and hope to God it steadies me enough for this. For her. "Bella, you really need to go. Seriously, I can't take much more of this." She stops, feet away from me. I can hear her worrying the shawl around her tense shoulders.
She is sweating slightly. She inhales deeply and exhales, catching my eye and holding my gaze. "Jacob, I just wanted to apologise… for earlier. I'm stupid, I didn't think. I just kind of expected you to welcome me back with open arms or something… I uh…" She falters. Why does her heartbeat still affect me so? Why am I so angry? "Jake, please." The uncontained plea in her voice nearly undoes me. I can feel the wolf rising to the surface in fury again, and I struggle to dampen it down. As much as this little creature hurt me, I will not hurt her. Physically at least.
I spin and glare at her, growling "Why are you making this so fucking difficult? There is no need. Come back for your father's wedding, be nice, be sociable. Don't come after me. Leave me alone. That's all I wanted Bells." Her nickname slips on my tongue like a breath. Fuck. Her eyes are glowing now. A lifeline thrown, and I didn't even mean to. She is reaching towards me. I'm trembling.
"Jacob."
It takes but one word and I am struggling to hold on.
"Please." Two and I'm almost ruined.
"Bella. Please go back inside."
She stares up at me. Not an innocent 18 year old anymore.
"Please go back inside Bella." Her arm reaches out and she senses my weakness. She has an eyelash on her cheek. Her lips are pressed together. "Please Bella." I am begging. This has never happened.
She steps back, inhaling. Her heartbeat is still my conductor, even though I am trying my hardest to resist.
"Jacob, I truly am sorry. You have to believe me." She is wringing her hands. Afraid to meet my eye. Goddamn it Bella.
I step towards her and she flinches. Good. "Bella, I can't. That's it. That's all I have. You already took everything, I have nothing else to give you. Please go." She stares at me, and steps forward. I can almost hear her thoughts. I'm trying to contain the wolf, trying to stop it becoming both of us and dealing with Bella. So I barely even notice it as her tiny hands grab my face and force my lips down to hers.