See, I told you I'd be back before Christmas. So where are my clippers? Anyway, this is something kinda random that came to me last night. I'm still working out the tweaks of the plot so it may be a while before I update but let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: Let's be thankful I own none of the characters or settings etc. Song lyrics from "Decode" belong to Paramore.
Howard ran. He ran before the surrounding, mocking laughter could damage his spirit anymore than it had. He ran before any of them could see the tears slipping from his squinted eyelids.
Their jeers and cackles chased him through backstage and out the back door of the Velvet Onion. Even when he finally reached the outside, the chilly winter wind arriving to join the laughter at his expense, after he closed the door, he could still hear them all. He could still see them all pointing at him on the stage, standing as a sacrifice of degradation to them all, or rather similar to a seventies cult teen Horror classic about a young misfit girl with telekinetic powers. Only Howard hadn't been lucky enough to be blessed with magical gifts to silence their laughter. All he'd been able to do was stand there like the pathetic human target he was before fleeing in the utmost shame.
How could he have fallen for it? Since when had there been such thing as the National Man of Action awards? And even if such a thing did exist; why on earth would it have been held in a seedy nightclub, in Dalston, run by the man with an I.Q of a headless chicken? Howard hit his head back against the brick wall and slumped down to the filthy, cold ground below, not caring for the fact he was dirtying his best - and only - black tie suit.
In his right hand he clutched his so-called prestigious award. Only now he knew that the trophy was nothing but a fake and a symbol for nothing more than his gullible nature and failure as a real man. And all because of yet another recent, 'epic' adventure through time and space.
A couple of weeks ago, his co-worker and seldom best friend Vince Noir had used his irresistible powers of persuasion to convince Howard for the two of them - plus their flatmates Naboo and Bollo - to go on a holiday to a newly discovered island in the Pacific Ocean, south of Hawaii. Though reluctant at first, once they'd arrived Howard had decided to look on the up-side for a change, and explore around the tropical forests around the island's volcano whilst his flatmates relaxed on the beach with their simple, tourist luxuries, sipping mohitos and soaking up the sun. Typically however, Howard's seemingly harmless wonder eventually led to him being kidnapped by local tribesmen and having to be rescued by his friends, until they were captured also and all four of them were sentenced to be sacrificed to the volcano gods. After many hectic twists and turns and misunderstandings that would be better explained in their own episode, the foursome eventually managed to escape, all unharmed. Sort of. They were alive, at least, which was better than nothing.
Howard growled inwardly, almost wishing he had died on that forsaken isle. Not one minute of the terror he'd experienced on that adventure had compared to the emotional torture he'd been put through tonight. And for what good reason, he would ask you? What kind of 'friends', people who at certain moments of peril he would even consider family, would do such a thing to him?
The door beside him opened and a pair of black Chelsea boots stepped out onto the black concrete, pausing as their owner looked down and spotted what he was looking for.
"So here's where you ran off to then. Should've known you wouldn't have gone too far."
Howard looked up to see Vince standing over him like a towering fashion god, arms folded, that superior smirk ever present on his flawless face. His lips twisted into a scowl.
"Fuck off, Vince! Just fuck off!" He seethed, grinding his teeth as he felt the tears sting his eyes.
Vince's nose exhaled a bemused huff; "What kind o' gratitude is that? I go to all the trouble to arrange this special night for you and this is the thanks I get?"
"Special night for me?! This wasn't about me! This was all about you, Naboo, Bollo, Fossil and the rest of those vultures out there getting your own kicks - it was never about me!" Howard growled up at him. He clenched his fist tight around his trophy, looking down at it almost forlornly; "You let me get so excited…thinking tonight was finally going to be 'my night' of recognition. And all that time you knew the truth, you little shit-box!"
"Yeah, it was hilarious. Still can't believe you invited everyone from our year at school here as well," Vince sniggered; "I knew you were a show-off but jeez, Howard, you pretty much organized most of tonight yourself."
"That was the most humiliating experience of my life!"
"Well now you're just being silly. Of course it wasn't. What about the time that you-" and Vince followed on to a list of Howard's most infamous moments of ridicule. This lasted for a good ten minutes; "…and the old ladies called you Mr. Bad Touch for weeks."
"Are you quite finished?!" Howard yelled, getting to his feet at last.
"Not really. There's also the time-"
"I don't care about any of those times! Tonight out-did them all! I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole on that stage!"
"It would probably have spat you back out again like that giant human-eating flower did." Vince was still finding Howard's torment very amusing.
Howard restrained himself from giving his companion a good wack with his trophy; "You're really enjoying this aren't you?! You really love watching me suffer! I thought you were my friend."
Vince's expression thawed for the briefest of moments before hardening again with the same indignant sneer.
"Yeah well I once thought the same thing." he replied, slightly hushed.
"And what is that supposed to mean, sir?"
"Well our friendship didn't seem to be the main priority on your mind when we were all about to be thrown into that volcano." Vince countered.
"Oh, very mature, Vince. Toss that in my face why don't you - a simple miscommunication."
"You sold us out to save your own stupid neck!" Vince shot back in disgust; "You said you'd give them back their most sacred relic plus three sacrifices if they let you go!"
The back of Howard's neck itched irritably; "It was all part of my ingenious plan! I was gonna come back and save the rest of you - weren't like I was gonna let you all die."
"You ran off screaming down the volcano the minute they set you free, yelling 'Every man for himself!' - You didn't even give them back the stupid marble monkey, you just ran!'"
"I was trying to 'cause a distraction so that you could escape. What does it matter anyway, Naboo's friends turned up to get us all out in time! There was no harm done…"
"You didn't even feel any shame at all at leaving your friends like that? For the love of Bon Jovi, Howard, the second we came back here - you flaunted that stupid treasure in the face of everyone you saw, proclaiming that you were some great explorer who'd brought it back after a daring rescue of your dearest friends!"
"…It's the thought that counts." Howard mumbled, pathetically.
"Who cares what you 'thought' you did or were gonna do? We all knew the truth and that's why we arranged this for you tonight, Howard. 'Cause we agreed you needed taking down a peg or two."
"Well, congratulations, Vince. Well and truly done." Howard grimaced back, dryly, "Thanks to you and the others I have now been well and truly de-pegged. Fear not, now I am nothing but a line of clothes left crumbled on the ground under the washing line - thank you very much."
Everyone inside the Velvet Onion had been sat around many small round tables with Howard and the others sat close to the front. Fossil, who had taken the dress-code 'black tie' in the wrong context - having strapped an unconscious mixed race Hindu-Asian man to his back, was the host of the night and gave out the awards for heroism. To make the event seem somewhat believable and to keep Howard's hopes flying for as long as possible, Vince and the others had organized for other 'awards' to be given out to others who'd shown examples worthy of honour and praise. First to a dog who had saved his master's baby from a house fire. Second to a four year old girl who had saved her teddy bear from a completely unrelated house fire. Third to a teddy bear who had found the cure to cancer. Only by the third award had Howard began to think that this ceremony had not been quite what he'd expected.
At the end of the night, the time for final award for the bravest act of heroism of 2009 to be given had arrived. Vince had even offered to readjust Howard's tie for him and smooth out his collar. For a split second, Howard had genuinely believed that Vince was really proud of him. Maybe because he'd said "I'm so proud of you, Howard." before kissing him on the cheek - which Howard pretended to squirm and wince at, only to disguise the fireworks exploding in his stomach. Just as he'd expected (after all, who else possibly deserved it?) his name was called out by Fossil and, thankfully, without any slanderous footnotes such as 'former male prostitute' or 'lives near a playground'. The crowd applauded him and he took the stage, gave his rehearsed, rather-long but empowering speech to a slightly dreary and sullen looking sea of faces. But of course, it had been a long night, nothing to do with his thirty minute long speech-slash-autobiography.
Except, around twenty minutes in, all of the bored or half-asleep members of the audience suddenly raised their heads in rapt attention. Howard had beamed to himself. Finally, he was truly getting the recognition he deserved. At last, people were paying attention to him and seeing him as the true man of action that he was! Their eyes were wide and fixed on the stage. Their lips raising up and turning into smiles, grins, laughter…Wait, laughter? Why were they laughing about his list of his most inspirational secondary school teachers and yet they hadn't tittered once at his pencil case story? The laughter became louder and more audacious, some people even falling from their seats and guffawing into the carpet, Howard could barely get one word out over the noise. Then he'd looked around to see what they were all truly staring at. And, even over the sound of the jeering, he heard his heart shatter.
"Why did you have to show that, Vince?! Why?" Howard begged to know, burying his face in one clawed hand.
"Well it was either that or sell it to You've Been Framed. But I don't think even Harry Hill would've been able to keep a straight face and add anything funnier to that." Vince continued to jibe.
The film playing behind him to the unsuspecting crowd and their 'hero' had been of Howard in a skimpy dress made of tropical flowers, dancing erotically before their Chief, and willingly letting the horny tribes-people place money in his vine stockings. It was a shame their currency consisted of dead beetles.
"That was the most mortifying cruelty I'd ever had to go through - and you did the only thing remotely possible by showing it to everyone who knows me!" Howard berated angrily.
"You shouldn't have agreed to dance for them then, should you."
"It's not my fault they mistook me for one of their fertility gods. It was either pretend I was Ani-cala-plow or whoever or be tortured for trespassing - I had no choice but to act the role the best I could."
Vince clicked his tongue; "Fair enough…Although Naboo said he could find nothing in their tribe's religion about Lord Ani-cala-plow ever wearing a dress or dancing."
"Shut up!" Howard snapped, cheeks flushing; "If you lot hadn't have rushed in and spoilt my cover then we probably wouldn't have gotten into that mess!" He raised his voice as the laughter inside the building finally subsided to be replaced with frivolous, taunting music;
How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind?
"We were trying to save your life for the sixtieth time, you ungrateful tosser." Vince responded with resolute.
I can't win your losing fight,
All the time..
"I'm beginning to wish you hadn't!" the maverick hissed; "If you were just gonna treat me like crap then I don't know why you even bothered!"
Howard threw his award down at Vince's feet. One of the arms of the gold-painted Action Man doll broke off on impact.
How can I ever owe to what's mine
When you're always taking sides?
Vince looked at Howard with a face of resigned hurt.
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
"Don't worry, Howard. I've been wondering for years why I bother saving your life." He said, his words cold and empty, whilst his eyes spoke all the emotion intended.
When Howard did nothing more to reply other than stand and fume, Vince waltzed back through the backstage door and closed it with a defiant slam.
His final words to Howard that night was the final straw to snap.
How did we get here?
I used to know you so well.
Rage now at boiling point, Howard kicked the door fiercely after he left, earning himself a very sore set of toes in return. One day he would show them all. One day! Who cares what any of them thought? He knew he would've figured out a way to save Vince and the others. He knew he'd been smart enough to think of at least one possible form of escape which was more than any of the rest of them had done. He knew he could be a true hero.
With one final kick at his trophy, Howard stomped off down the ally way and away from the club and those who'd betrayed him. None of them understood him. He was clearly made for better, more important and worthy things.
It just wasn't fair. Everyone he met either shunned him or used him or tried to kill him. But then where was a delusional, egotistical, anger-issue ridden 'freak' supposed to fit in?
Wait! Howard thought, coming to a stand-still, There is still one place I haven't tried.
Later…
I can't believe the Church of Scientology rejected me as well! Howard groaned inwardly after being chucked out by the building's security guards.
He collapsed back down the ground not far away, feeling even more hopeless than before.
Now what am I supposed to do?
He threw his head back at the brick wall behind him as he sat on the pavement. He pulled his knees up to his chest and folded his arms, burying his face in them, thankful only for his solitude.
It was nearing midnight now. Though time was outside Howard's knowledge at this moment due to his watch being stolen by a chimp in that stupid jungle. It was cold though, he knew that, though maybe his motherland's air just felt even colder after having enjoyed sweltering tropical heat so recently. No, it was definitely freezing. He was beginning to regret not grabbing his jacket from the coat room of the club before he'd stormed out. Then he began to notice thick white flakes falling all around him and settling on the suitably dry ground. Howard caught his breath for a moment.
Vince was always irreversibly happy whenever it snowed. If he'd been there right now he would've already been setting up the feet for his snow man and building the perfect weapon to chuck at Howard's face, his laughter fluttering through the air like winter fairies. Howard sighed.
Maybe he did deserve to be ridiculed and cast out. He'd have been lying to himself if he thought for a moment he would've been happy leaving the others to die. Especially Vince. Things had been so strained between them lately, more so than usual, and the electro boy had said how he was hoping their latest holiday would mean they got to spend more time together that didn't involve shop work. Now things were as bad as ever and Howard just couldn't bring himself to blame Vince completely, as much as he wanted to. Those last words had cut into Howard's heart like a dagger. And he couldn't be completely sure that Vince hadn't meant them.
A pair of feet in unsuitable Egyptian style flip-flops stepped on the pavement close to him.
"Your friend does care about you very much." A soft yet wise female voice spoke above him.
Howard raised his head only to drop his jaw. The woman standing above him was like something from another time entirely. She was a slim yet strong looking girl with olive skin, dressed in what reminded Howard of a belly dancers outfit, only a bit more discreet. A violet veil covered most of her face apart from her dazzling green eyes that looked down on him with curious regard. Howard gulped, wondering if hallucinating was a symptom of hypothermia.
The woman crouched down beside him, making sure not to dirty her outfit on the snow. Howard was stunned how she didn't even shiver. He couldn't even see her nipples through her clothes…Not that he was looking, of course, no sir.
"W-who are you?" Howard's stammer was only partly due to the icy chill. "H-how did y-you know…"
"Forgive me. I'm able to see a lot more than what meets mortal sight." she replied, smiling with her eyes.
"Are you a witch?"
"Hahaha," she chuckled lightly before trailing off; "…Yes, yes I am."
"Oh." Howard replied, not as surprised as any other person would be considering his landlord's lifestyle; "Could you not use your powers to read my thoughts then please, those are a man's private internal keepsakes, not to be shared with the general public"
"I didn't use my powers, I could hear you from all the way down the street. I just followed the big white spotlight to find you here."
Howard bit his lip. He really needed to get that fixed.
"Well what do you want to do with me?" Howard asked slowly, looking the demi-goddess up and down and wondering if any 'torture' she had in mind as people usually did for him would be a bad thing.
"I want to help you, Howard Moon." she said sweetly; "I heard your pain and wondered if I could do anything to make you feel better."
"…You said that Vince did care about me. How would you know that? You're not one of his fan girls are you?" Howard suppressed a grimace.
The witch shook her head; "No, I only read what you already knew in your heart, deep down beneath the bitterness. Your friend does not truly wish you pain or misery. He is only losing faith in you."
"Oh, just that, ey." Howard snarked back, "…It's not like I don't try. I'd give anything to prove myself to Vince. To all of them. Show them Howard Moon is more than just a clumsy oaf."
There was a change in the direction of the wind. The witch took one of Howard's hands and forced his eyes to meet hers.
"What if I were to tell you that I have just the thing that could be the answer to your prayers, Howard Moon?" the woman's eyes sparkled.
"I..I guess I'd say 'could I have it then please 'cause that would be a great help, ta.'"
The witch let go of Howard's hand and took something from one of the small satchels tied to her leather belt atop her skimpy skirt. She passed it in one tight fist into Howard's hand and he felt something tiny and lukewarm meet his palm. She closed his fingers over it before he had a chance to see what it was.
She held both her hands on his for a moment and Howard couldn't help but notice the creamy smoothness of her skin; "This will help you become the man you wish you were. Wear this and no one will ever have reason to underestimate your abilities. It will give you all the gifts you desire."
"…You're not gonna charge me for it at all?" Howard asked, suspiciously.
"No. Let's call it my new business strategy. I let you keep this for free and hopefully you'll wish to see me again for something else."
"Wow…That's a pretty crap business strategy, if you don't mind me saying."
"Yes, I really should think through another. But let's call this my chartable gift to you then. Though, you will see me again. I can guarantee that." she said ominously, removing her hands after noticing Howard was enjoying her closeness a little too much.
He clutched the unknown item in his hands, an ugly feeling arising in his gut; "Hang on a minute…This all seems a bit familiar to me…"
"You should get the amulet. You are the real Chosen One…"
Howard shook his head out of the fuzzy flashback; "Never mind. Can't've been that relevant."
He stood up, as did the witch, the settling snow around them now an inch thick.
"Good luck, Howard Moon. I shall see you soon…" said the witch, turning her back on the dishevelled maverick.
"Hold on, wait! You don't wanna go get a coffee from Starbucks or anything?" No harm in trying his luck, he thought confidently.
"Uh, sorry…I already have plans to vanish enigmatically."
She then pulled her arm out for a passing taxi and quickly climbed into it. The car sped off rather quickly away from Howard who was left standing on the pavement.
That was a tad odd, he thought to himself as the car sped out of view. Howard opened his fist to inspect the object that had been given to him.
A necklace. A simple, rather flimsy looking necklace.
It reminded Howard of something for sale on one of the gypsy stalls in Camden market. All it consisted of was a pale blue scale with a strange marking on in fake gold. The marking looked vaguely like an eye. The scale dangled on a thick, brown bit of string. He couldn't even see Vince wearing something like this. It wouldn't have captured his view if he'd merely passed it on the street.
But still, the strange witch had said it would become the answer to all his prayers. That it would make him all that he wished to be. And for what good reason should he doubt a random peculiar looking gorgeous woman who approached him from no where and knew everything about him? It couldn't hurt just to try it on.
Oh well…Here goes nothing…
He took a deep breath and put the necklace over his head. He felt no change whatsoever.
Or perhaps the change was already happening but without his knowledge. Maybe, somewhere inside his soul, the necklace's magic was beginning to awaken and empower his strength, his logic, his courage and heart to be the true hero he always wished to be. To be the one everyone in Dalston - no, London - respected and honoured. The one that Vince would look to with those sapphire eyes of worship and adoration. Just maybe-
A limo roared past Howard on the curb, a familiar flabby face poking its way out the rolled-down window;
"Nice necklace, Princess Moon! It'll go great with your flower dress! You mind if I borrow that sometime?" Fossil heckled, the tyres of his car spewing up a flurry of slushy snow onto Howard.
The limo and its insane owner disappeared beyond the horizon. Howard wiped the filthy ice from his infuriated face.
…Maybe not.
Reviews would be looov-lay, kthanx.