A/N: Well guys. Well, well, well. Welly, welly, welly. As you may recall, in the last series of Charmeded (series three you idiums!), our beloved Prue was actually killed off! Anyone who thought that it was a crime beyond crimes was, oh dear lord, absolutely right! So after much deliberation of how to keep her involved with the show (she IS my favourite after all) this is the solution! Oh you better believe it baby - Prue got her own spinoff series! Doesn't that make you melt with pleasure? So without further ado, I, the 'magnificent' KT, present to you
PRUE: INVESTIGATIONS!
No not Angel - Prue.
Thanks to, in alphabetical order so you don't think there's any favouritism: Dave (Coleo), DANI (Danielle), Flak (Falcon), Hollie (uhh... HollieSmells), Iz (defunct), Jade (Jade... hehe), José (What... Ex-Instructor... um... Quistis...), Kirds (X-Moonchik), Kit (Kit-The-Cat), Klah (Jewel-Halliwell[yes she still exists!]), Mari (Pipermint), Meagan (Umm... Meggers was it?), Nikki-The-Scotlum (Wendigo Piper), Olly (Paigeriffic), Steph (Stephanie18)
Oh, and Anonymous, because you made me smile many a time with your flames! Light your torch baby, cos this series is gold! Oh how Anon roolez.
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.1: THE UNDEAD BITES BACK.
BLACK.
FADE IN ON:
INT. PRUE'S COFFIN. WE SEE THE DEAD HUSSY FROM ABOVE. UNTIL - IN AN EXTREMELY YET "NOT" STOLEN BUFFYESQUE WAY, THE CORPSE COMES BACK TO LIFE. VITAL ORGANS APPEAR AND CONNECT THEMSELVES TO THE RAPIDLY GROWING MUSCLES AND LIGAMENTS, WHICH ATTACH TO THE BONES CONNECTED BY A NETWORK OF JOINTS AND VEINS, WHICH ARE THEN WRAPPED IN LAYERS OF MUSCLE, THEN FLESH. MMM... GRAPHIC. AND SUDDENLY, WITH A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH, PRUE JERKS AWAKE.
CUT TO:
BLACK.
PRUE(VOICE OVER): The world.
A SATELLITE IMAGE OF THE PLANET EARTH APPEARS.
PRUE(VO): This tiny little globe houses so many things. Life. Love, hate... it is the key of existence. The planet Earth. But something so small and unprotected has many dangers. And not just natural ones. Evil.
SHOTS OF DEMON ATTACKS, SACRIFICES, KILLINGS, ALYSSA MILANO ETC ARE SHOWN WHILE PRUE CONTINUES SPEAKING.
PRUE(VO): This Evil has spawned over the world, no one knows why. Why does it exist? Because of people's hatred? Their greed? But these creatures aren't human. Well, some of them are. But the question of why, why is there Evil, why suffer, why, why us? It remains unanswered.
THE SHOTS SWITCH TO AN IMAGE OF THE HORIZON OF LOS ANGELES. IT IS TWILIGHT. THE CAMERA PANS BACK OVER THE ROOFTOPS AND WE SEE PRUE STANDING ON TOP OF A BUILDING LOOKING AT THE CITY.
PRUE(VO): But whatever happens, all we can do is hope. Hope that one day we shall be free, safe, and destroy Evil. But until then, we will fight.
PRUE JUMPS OFF THE ROOFTOP.
PRUE(OS): This would be the point I realise I can't fly.
TITLE CREDITS.
THEME:
"La la la la fighting crime
La la demons all the time
Bam kerpow they all fall down
To celebrate we will eat lime
Battling strong through our lives
Never wavering through hopelessness
Evil in this world will not subside
But we will prevail in the end woo!
La la la la fighting crime
La la demons all the time
Bam kerpow they all fall down
That's PRUE!"
GOOD THEME HUH?
DURING THE THEME WE SEE A MONTAGE OF CLIPS.
PRUE DOING MATRIX KICKS ON SOME 'GNARLY' BEAST.
BUCKLANDS GUY (JACK SHERIDAN!!!) AND PRUE GRABBING EACH OTHER BY THE THROAT.
THE TRIQUETRA FLASHES UP AND GLOWING. AS IF IT'S ON FIRE. OH WAIT - IT IS! AHH! SOMEONE PUT THAT OUT! NO NOT WITH MY HAND! OWWWWWW IT BURNNNNNNNNS!
PRUE BEING ATTACKED FROM ALL SIDES.
PRUE SPEEDING ALONG IN A WAY COOL OPEN TOP SPORTS CAR WHICH SAYS "PROO KOO" ON THE NUMBER PLATE.
A DEMON MORPHING INTO A FINE LOOKING MAN.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT - PRUE USING HER POWERS TO SHUT THE FRONT DOOR (GO PRUE, CHEH, CHEH, GO PRUE)
BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. F*CK-OFF *YELLOW* MANSION (EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE F*CK OFF PINK MANSION EXCEPT... WELL, YELLOW!). INSIDE, IT'S A PRETTY CRAPPY PLACE, DIRTY AND WITH RUBBISH FURNITURE. WE WALK THROUGH (THAT'S THE *CAMERA* WHICH WALKS, YOU IDIUMS) THE HOUSE AND SEE PRUE HAVING A BROODING MOMENT, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OPEN FRIDGE. THEN SHE SHOVES A HUGE PIE IN HER MOUTH. SHE SHUTS THE FRIDGE AND WE SEE A MAGNET ON IT WHICH READS 'JUST COS YOU'RE THE UNDEAD IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T STUFF YOUR FAT FACE!'
PRUE: Amen to that.
SHE CARTWHEELS THROUGH TO THE HALL AND INTO THE DEMON WHO IS STANDING THERE.
PRUE: Jebus! Where did you come from?
DEMON: What's brown and sticky?
PRUE: No time for jokes!
DEMON: Wrong!
HE TRIES TO HIT HER BUT SHE TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL. IT GETS UP AND ATTACKS.
PRUE: Buggeration! Give me a second!
DEMON: What did the pillow say to the lampshade?
PRUE: What, are you my stalker or something?
DEMON: Wrong again, witch!
IT GRABS HER BY THE NECK AND LIFTS HER UP. SHE BEGINS TO CHOKE.
PRUE: Ack. Okay, my turn. What looks like me but isn't really there?
DEMON: Huh?
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS TO BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. HE LOOKS WELL CONFUSED AND DROPS REAL PRUE TO THE FLOOR, WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS PIERCED HER SPLEEN. OWIE!
ASTRAL: Come and get me, bitch. Hey, cool! No censoring! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch... anyways.
ASTRAL PRUE RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE. THE DEMON DOES NOT FOLLOW.
DEMON: Will I bugger.
HE BEGINS TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON TOP OF REAL PRUE. TIME LAPSE. HE IS STILL JUMPING BUT IS ALL TIRED AND SH*T. ASTRAL PRUE COMES BACK IN WITH AN ICE CREAM.
ASTRAL: Where the hell were you?
DEMON: Here, idium.
ASTRAL: Khaaa! I'm gonna vanquish you!
DEMON: How? You don't have your pithy sisters to protect you.
THIS AFFECTS ASTRAL PRUE AS SHE REMEMBERS HER SISTERS - THE GIMP PHOEBE AND THE BEAUTIFUL PIPER. THE DEMON PUNCHES ASTRAL PRUE, WHO FLIES INTO THE WALL AND DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE WAKES UP. SHE GOES UP BEHIND THE DEMON AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
PRUE: You'll be sorry.
SHE STARTS SMASHING HIM GOOD. SHE BEATS HIM TO THE GROUND, THEN GRABS HIM.
PRUE: I'll give you a chance. You can run and spread the word I'm here, or stay and die.
THE DEMON RUNS OUT. PAUSE.
PRUE: Wait... why did I just do that? Now everyone'll be on the lookout for me! Ah well. May as well get to work.
SHE STICKS A CRAPPY PAPER SIGN WHICH IS ALL FRAYED AND TORN THAT SAYS "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS" ON THE FRONT DOOR.
PRUE: It is born. Now I hope word gets around.
THE PHONE RINGS. SHE GOES TO ANSWER.
PRUE: Prue Investigations.
VOICE: Hi. I need help.
PRUE: Okay, tell me what's happened. Nothing's too mean, beastly or evil for our top quality fighting machine.
VOICE: And who's that?
PRUE: ... Me.
VOICE: Oh hoh... well, you know, I think I'm gonna give 'Angel Investigations' a call instead; they have a much better name and are fronted by a guy.
PRUE: Wait! A guy? Girls can do it too - don't you ever watch Charmeded?
VOICE: Yes, and those kids are a bunch of losers - especially that new one!
PRUE: I can change- Hello? Hello? Bastard.
SHE WANDERS OVER TO A BIG CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.
PRUE: Can't believe that asshole. Dissing the name 'Prue Investigations'. What's with that? Well, as ever, the main thing is he didn't like Paige. Then again, does anybody?
KT WALKS ON AND LOOKS SMUG.
PRUE: Get out of here.
KT EXITS. SOMEONE (NOT KT - CAN YOU BELIEVE!?!) WALKS IN. PRUE DOES NOT LOOK UP.
PRUE: What do you want? I mean, *sighs* can I help you?
GUY: I think the question is can I help YOU?
PRUE LOOKS UP AND HER MOUTH FALLS OPEN.
PRUE: Bucklands Guy?
BUCKO: You're damn right. *nods continually* Hey Prue!
PRUE: B-b-but I thought you were dead!
SHE SHOWS THEM THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HER HAND. IT'S HIS OBITUARY.
BUCKO: Yeah, well, I thought you were too.
HE SHOWS HER THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HIS HAND, HER OBITUARY ETC ETC.
PRUE: Huh. Well. Didn't see you in heaven (BTW guys, it took me 3 attempts to get the spelling of heaven right. Please tell me it's right). Where the hell were you?
BUCKO: Actually, I was in hell.
PRUE: (deadpan) Really.
BUCKO: Yeah. Turns out my jokes and annoying personality up here on Earth were SO bad everyone hated me. So down I go.
PRUE: Wait... you go to heaven or hell depending on how many people like you?
BUCKO: Yeah. Must've been a close call for you.
PRUE: Khaaa!
BUCKO: ... What?
PRUE: Shut up. So what do you want?
BUCKO: I'm a renegade demon. They were so pissed off with my personality down there they thought I'd do more evil up here. So they banished me to Earth to do evil deeds.
HE KNOCKS OVER A VASE AND DOES A BIG EVIL LAUGH.
BUCKO: God, I'm evil.
GOD(OS): No you're not...
PRUE: Shut up, KT.
KT(OS): No YOU shut up! And you should call me God!
PRUE BEGINS WALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA. SHE WALKS BEHIND IT AND WE HEAR A SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF SOMEONE GETTING BEATEN UP.
PRUE(OS): AP is God!
KT(OS): Okay, okay I'm sorry!
PRUE(OS): And I am a Demi-God spanned from my closeness to our highest worshippéd deity Astral Prue, got it?
KT(OS): *cries* Yes, yes!
PRUE WALKS BACK ON CAMERA, DUSTING OFF HER HANDS. WHICH AREN'T DUSTY. SHE THEN ROLLS UP HER SLEEVES, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S WEARING A SLEEVELESS TOP. MEH.
PRUE: Now where were we?
THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY ABBEY FROM ER RUNNING IN. HOORAH! SHE ROOLEZ!
PRUE: Oh my God Abbey - are you okay?
ABBEY: *crying* I didn't... I didn't know where else to come.
BUCKO: How about wherever the guy is, so he knows it happened?
BOTH STARE AT HIM.
PRUE: I can't believe you're still here. (to Abbey) So what happened? Did you get beat on again?
ABBEY: This is gonna sound crazy.
PRUE: Believe me, after the stuff I've seen, nothing sounds crazy.
ABBEY: This will.
PRUE: God damnit Abbey!
PRUE PUNCHES ABBEY.
PRUE: Just tell me!
ABBEY: I'm getting stalked by this big... horny beast thing.
PRUE: Does she have bleached blonde hair and a tendancy to wear woolly pink hats? Cos that'd just be my lesbium sister Phoebe.
ABBEY: No, I mean it actually had horns - literally.
PRUE: Big wow. The amount of people I know who have horns; demons, Satan, Paige...
ABBEY: Right... so anyway. This... thing, tried to kill me.
PRUE: Please. Like it's that special. You wanna know the number of things that've tried to kill me?
ABBEY: Yeah, well they'd have good reason to. I wanna kill you right now.
PRUE ORBS OUT.
ABBEY: What the hell was that?
BUCKO SHRUGS.
ABBEY: So who are you?
BUCKO: I'm Bucklands Guy. But you can call me Bucko.
ABBEY: Okay. Where's that girl that was here?
BUCKO: Prue? Dunno. She probably orbed into some sex shop with her husband. Oh, that was Shannen Doherty.
PAUSE.
BOTH: Ewwww.
KT(OS): What???
PRUE ORBS IN.
PRUE: Hope you didn't talk about me too much.
BUCKO: Nope. We didn't get halfway to talking about your good points.
PRUE: Oh. Go ahead.
BUCKO: Prue's good points... her sisters are really hot. The end.
PRUE SLAPS BUCKO.
PRUE: Okay, Abbey, I'll help you with your demon.
BUCKO: We'll help you.
SILENCE.
PRUE: What're you saying, Bucklands Guy?
BUCKO: I'm saying I wanna help Prue. I wanna join Prue Investigations.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Rrrrrright. Abbey, can I call you back?
ABBEY: You don't have my number-
PRUE: I'll. Call. You. Back.
PRUE TK'S ABBEY OUT OF THE DOOR.
BUCKO: Nice way to treat the clients.
PRUE: You wanna join Prue Investigations?
BUCKO: Sure do. It means I can be annoying and perverse and still be on TV! They killed me off on Charmeded but this is a spinoff. They have lower standards. I mean look at the lead character!
PRUE GLARES AT HIM. BUCKO SHRUGS AND NODS CONTINUALLY. PRUE HAS A BROODING MOMENT.
BUCKO: *cough*Angel*cough*ripoff*cough*.
PRUE: I didn't write the script, okay? Unless...
SHE PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT AND BEGINS SCRAWLING ON IT.
PRUE: This totally reminds me of that time Piper went crazy and they had the Book Of Shadows that was colour pencilled in.
BOTH BURST OUT LAUGHING.
PRUE: That was like the one time I'd been glad to have watched over them, it was so funny. And don't you think the Source is such a failure?
BUCKO: Hey, don't diss the Source. I'll have you know he's like, so good at chess.
PRUE: I bet Phoebe could kick his ass at chess.
BUCKO: Yeah, following her rules. I played with her once.
PRUE: What what WHAT? You were MY boyfriend!
BUCKO: Yeah, but it took me ages to get you in the sack. She's so much... ooh, what's the word?
PRUE: Sluttier? Easy? Trampish? Sleazy? Take your pick.
BUCKO: Yeah.
PRUE: Great.
BUCKO: So anyhoo. Now you know how I'm back on Earth, why don't you tell me why you are.
PRUE: Maybe later. Say... next week, same time?
BUCKO: I'll be there.
ROLL CREDITS.
VOICE OVER GUY: And that was the premier episode of 'Prue: Investigations', hopefully Ms Doherty will be popular enough to keep up with the general hugeness of the series Prue Investigations is a spinoff from, Charmeded.
VOICE OVER GAL: Actually, I have to say I quite liked it. The guest star Abbey from ER was a welcome surprise. Not sure about the return of Bucklands Guy, though. He was annoying!
VOICE OVER GUY: Anyway, you can catch Charmeded and Prue Investigations right here at the same time next week right here on KTV. Where else would you wanna be?
VOICE OVER GAL: *coughs*
She's koo. She's Prue. And she ain't Schmoo!
And it gets good soon.
PRUE: INVESTIGATIONS!
No not Angel - Prue.
Thanks to, in alphabetical order so you don't think there's any favouritism: Dave (Coleo), DANI (Danielle), Flak (Falcon), Hollie (uhh... HollieSmells), Iz (defunct), Jade (Jade... hehe), José (What... Ex-Instructor... um... Quistis...), Kirds (X-Moonchik), Kit (Kit-The-Cat), Klah (Jewel-Halliwell[yes she still exists!]), Mari (Pipermint), Meagan (Umm... Meggers was it?), Nikki-The-Scotlum (Wendigo Piper), Olly (Paigeriffic), Steph (Stephanie18)
Oh, and Anonymous, because you made me smile many a time with your flames! Light your torch baby, cos this series is gold! Oh how Anon roolez.
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.1: THE UNDEAD BITES BACK.
BLACK.
FADE IN ON:
INT. PRUE'S COFFIN. WE SEE THE DEAD HUSSY FROM ABOVE. UNTIL - IN AN EXTREMELY YET "NOT" STOLEN BUFFYESQUE WAY, THE CORPSE COMES BACK TO LIFE. VITAL ORGANS APPEAR AND CONNECT THEMSELVES TO THE RAPIDLY GROWING MUSCLES AND LIGAMENTS, WHICH ATTACH TO THE BONES CONNECTED BY A NETWORK OF JOINTS AND VEINS, WHICH ARE THEN WRAPPED IN LAYERS OF MUSCLE, THEN FLESH. MMM... GRAPHIC. AND SUDDENLY, WITH A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH, PRUE JERKS AWAKE.
CUT TO:
BLACK.
PRUE(VOICE OVER): The world.
A SATELLITE IMAGE OF THE PLANET EARTH APPEARS.
PRUE(VO): This tiny little globe houses so many things. Life. Love, hate... it is the key of existence. The planet Earth. But something so small and unprotected has many dangers. And not just natural ones. Evil.
SHOTS OF DEMON ATTACKS, SACRIFICES, KILLINGS, ALYSSA MILANO ETC ARE SHOWN WHILE PRUE CONTINUES SPEAKING.
PRUE(VO): This Evil has spawned over the world, no one knows why. Why does it exist? Because of people's hatred? Their greed? But these creatures aren't human. Well, some of them are. But the question of why, why is there Evil, why suffer, why, why us? It remains unanswered.
THE SHOTS SWITCH TO AN IMAGE OF THE HORIZON OF LOS ANGELES. IT IS TWILIGHT. THE CAMERA PANS BACK OVER THE ROOFTOPS AND WE SEE PRUE STANDING ON TOP OF A BUILDING LOOKING AT THE CITY.
PRUE(VO): But whatever happens, all we can do is hope. Hope that one day we shall be free, safe, and destroy Evil. But until then, we will fight.
PRUE JUMPS OFF THE ROOFTOP.
PRUE(OS): This would be the point I realise I can't fly.
TITLE CREDITS.
THEME:
"La la la la fighting crime
La la demons all the time
Bam kerpow they all fall down
To celebrate we will eat lime
Battling strong through our lives
Never wavering through hopelessness
Evil in this world will not subside
But we will prevail in the end woo!
La la la la fighting crime
La la demons all the time
Bam kerpow they all fall down
That's PRUE!"
GOOD THEME HUH?
DURING THE THEME WE SEE A MONTAGE OF CLIPS.
PRUE DOING MATRIX KICKS ON SOME 'GNARLY' BEAST.
BUCKLANDS GUY (JACK SHERIDAN!!!) AND PRUE GRABBING EACH OTHER BY THE THROAT.
THE TRIQUETRA FLASHES UP AND GLOWING. AS IF IT'S ON FIRE. OH WAIT - IT IS! AHH! SOMEONE PUT THAT OUT! NO NOT WITH MY HAND! OWWWWWW IT BURNNNNNNNNS!
PRUE BEING ATTACKED FROM ALL SIDES.
PRUE SPEEDING ALONG IN A WAY COOL OPEN TOP SPORTS CAR WHICH SAYS "PROO KOO" ON THE NUMBER PLATE.
A DEMON MORPHING INTO A FINE LOOKING MAN.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT - PRUE USING HER POWERS TO SHUT THE FRONT DOOR (GO PRUE, CHEH, CHEH, GO PRUE)
BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. F*CK-OFF *YELLOW* MANSION (EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE F*CK OFF PINK MANSION EXCEPT... WELL, YELLOW!). INSIDE, IT'S A PRETTY CRAPPY PLACE, DIRTY AND WITH RUBBISH FURNITURE. WE WALK THROUGH (THAT'S THE *CAMERA* WHICH WALKS, YOU IDIUMS) THE HOUSE AND SEE PRUE HAVING A BROODING MOMENT, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OPEN FRIDGE. THEN SHE SHOVES A HUGE PIE IN HER MOUTH. SHE SHUTS THE FRIDGE AND WE SEE A MAGNET ON IT WHICH READS 'JUST COS YOU'RE THE UNDEAD IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T STUFF YOUR FAT FACE!'
PRUE: Amen to that.
SHE CARTWHEELS THROUGH TO THE HALL AND INTO THE DEMON WHO IS STANDING THERE.
PRUE: Jebus! Where did you come from?
DEMON: What's brown and sticky?
PRUE: No time for jokes!
DEMON: Wrong!
HE TRIES TO HIT HER BUT SHE TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL. IT GETS UP AND ATTACKS.
PRUE: Buggeration! Give me a second!
DEMON: What did the pillow say to the lampshade?
PRUE: What, are you my stalker or something?
DEMON: Wrong again, witch!
IT GRABS HER BY THE NECK AND LIFTS HER UP. SHE BEGINS TO CHOKE.
PRUE: Ack. Okay, my turn. What looks like me but isn't really there?
DEMON: Huh?
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS TO BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. HE LOOKS WELL CONFUSED AND DROPS REAL PRUE TO THE FLOOR, WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS PIERCED HER SPLEEN. OWIE!
ASTRAL: Come and get me, bitch. Hey, cool! No censoring! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch... anyways.
ASTRAL PRUE RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE. THE DEMON DOES NOT FOLLOW.
DEMON: Will I bugger.
HE BEGINS TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON TOP OF REAL PRUE. TIME LAPSE. HE IS STILL JUMPING BUT IS ALL TIRED AND SH*T. ASTRAL PRUE COMES BACK IN WITH AN ICE CREAM.
ASTRAL: Where the hell were you?
DEMON: Here, idium.
ASTRAL: Khaaa! I'm gonna vanquish you!
DEMON: How? You don't have your pithy sisters to protect you.
THIS AFFECTS ASTRAL PRUE AS SHE REMEMBERS HER SISTERS - THE GIMP PHOEBE AND THE BEAUTIFUL PIPER. THE DEMON PUNCHES ASTRAL PRUE, WHO FLIES INTO THE WALL AND DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE WAKES UP. SHE GOES UP BEHIND THE DEMON AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
PRUE: You'll be sorry.
SHE STARTS SMASHING HIM GOOD. SHE BEATS HIM TO THE GROUND, THEN GRABS HIM.
PRUE: I'll give you a chance. You can run and spread the word I'm here, or stay and die.
THE DEMON RUNS OUT. PAUSE.
PRUE: Wait... why did I just do that? Now everyone'll be on the lookout for me! Ah well. May as well get to work.
SHE STICKS A CRAPPY PAPER SIGN WHICH IS ALL FRAYED AND TORN THAT SAYS "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS" ON THE FRONT DOOR.
PRUE: It is born. Now I hope word gets around.
THE PHONE RINGS. SHE GOES TO ANSWER.
PRUE: Prue Investigations.
VOICE: Hi. I need help.
PRUE: Okay, tell me what's happened. Nothing's too mean, beastly or evil for our top quality fighting machine.
VOICE: And who's that?
PRUE: ... Me.
VOICE: Oh hoh... well, you know, I think I'm gonna give 'Angel Investigations' a call instead; they have a much better name and are fronted by a guy.
PRUE: Wait! A guy? Girls can do it too - don't you ever watch Charmeded?
VOICE: Yes, and those kids are a bunch of losers - especially that new one!
PRUE: I can change- Hello? Hello? Bastard.
SHE WANDERS OVER TO A BIG CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.
PRUE: Can't believe that asshole. Dissing the name 'Prue Investigations'. What's with that? Well, as ever, the main thing is he didn't like Paige. Then again, does anybody?
KT WALKS ON AND LOOKS SMUG.
PRUE: Get out of here.
KT EXITS. SOMEONE (NOT KT - CAN YOU BELIEVE!?!) WALKS IN. PRUE DOES NOT LOOK UP.
PRUE: What do you want? I mean, *sighs* can I help you?
GUY: I think the question is can I help YOU?
PRUE LOOKS UP AND HER MOUTH FALLS OPEN.
PRUE: Bucklands Guy?
BUCKO: You're damn right. *nods continually* Hey Prue!
PRUE: B-b-but I thought you were dead!
SHE SHOWS THEM THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HER HAND. IT'S HIS OBITUARY.
BUCKO: Yeah, well, I thought you were too.
HE SHOWS HER THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HIS HAND, HER OBITUARY ETC ETC.
PRUE: Huh. Well. Didn't see you in heaven (BTW guys, it took me 3 attempts to get the spelling of heaven right. Please tell me it's right). Where the hell were you?
BUCKO: Actually, I was in hell.
PRUE: (deadpan) Really.
BUCKO: Yeah. Turns out my jokes and annoying personality up here on Earth were SO bad everyone hated me. So down I go.
PRUE: Wait... you go to heaven or hell depending on how many people like you?
BUCKO: Yeah. Must've been a close call for you.
PRUE: Khaaa!
BUCKO: ... What?
PRUE: Shut up. So what do you want?
BUCKO: I'm a renegade demon. They were so pissed off with my personality down there they thought I'd do more evil up here. So they banished me to Earth to do evil deeds.
HE KNOCKS OVER A VASE AND DOES A BIG EVIL LAUGH.
BUCKO: God, I'm evil.
GOD(OS): No you're not...
PRUE: Shut up, KT.
KT(OS): No YOU shut up! And you should call me God!
PRUE BEGINS WALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA. SHE WALKS BEHIND IT AND WE HEAR A SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF SOMEONE GETTING BEATEN UP.
PRUE(OS): AP is God!
KT(OS): Okay, okay I'm sorry!
PRUE(OS): And I am a Demi-God spanned from my closeness to our highest worshippéd deity Astral Prue, got it?
KT(OS): *cries* Yes, yes!
PRUE WALKS BACK ON CAMERA, DUSTING OFF HER HANDS. WHICH AREN'T DUSTY. SHE THEN ROLLS UP HER SLEEVES, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S WEARING A SLEEVELESS TOP. MEH.
PRUE: Now where were we?
THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY ABBEY FROM ER RUNNING IN. HOORAH! SHE ROOLEZ!
PRUE: Oh my God Abbey - are you okay?
ABBEY: *crying* I didn't... I didn't know where else to come.
BUCKO: How about wherever the guy is, so he knows it happened?
BOTH STARE AT HIM.
PRUE: I can't believe you're still here. (to Abbey) So what happened? Did you get beat on again?
ABBEY: This is gonna sound crazy.
PRUE: Believe me, after the stuff I've seen, nothing sounds crazy.
ABBEY: This will.
PRUE: God damnit Abbey!
PRUE PUNCHES ABBEY.
PRUE: Just tell me!
ABBEY: I'm getting stalked by this big... horny beast thing.
PRUE: Does she have bleached blonde hair and a tendancy to wear woolly pink hats? Cos that'd just be my lesbium sister Phoebe.
ABBEY: No, I mean it actually had horns - literally.
PRUE: Big wow. The amount of people I know who have horns; demons, Satan, Paige...
ABBEY: Right... so anyway. This... thing, tried to kill me.
PRUE: Please. Like it's that special. You wanna know the number of things that've tried to kill me?
ABBEY: Yeah, well they'd have good reason to. I wanna kill you right now.
PRUE ORBS OUT.
ABBEY: What the hell was that?
BUCKO SHRUGS.
ABBEY: So who are you?
BUCKO: I'm Bucklands Guy. But you can call me Bucko.
ABBEY: Okay. Where's that girl that was here?
BUCKO: Prue? Dunno. She probably orbed into some sex shop with her husband. Oh, that was Shannen Doherty.
PAUSE.
BOTH: Ewwww.
KT(OS): What???
PRUE ORBS IN.
PRUE: Hope you didn't talk about me too much.
BUCKO: Nope. We didn't get halfway to talking about your good points.
PRUE: Oh. Go ahead.
BUCKO: Prue's good points... her sisters are really hot. The end.
PRUE SLAPS BUCKO.
PRUE: Okay, Abbey, I'll help you with your demon.
BUCKO: We'll help you.
SILENCE.
PRUE: What're you saying, Bucklands Guy?
BUCKO: I'm saying I wanna help Prue. I wanna join Prue Investigations.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Rrrrrright. Abbey, can I call you back?
ABBEY: You don't have my number-
PRUE: I'll. Call. You. Back.
PRUE TK'S ABBEY OUT OF THE DOOR.
BUCKO: Nice way to treat the clients.
PRUE: You wanna join Prue Investigations?
BUCKO: Sure do. It means I can be annoying and perverse and still be on TV! They killed me off on Charmeded but this is a spinoff. They have lower standards. I mean look at the lead character!
PRUE GLARES AT HIM. BUCKO SHRUGS AND NODS CONTINUALLY. PRUE HAS A BROODING MOMENT.
BUCKO: *cough*Angel*cough*ripoff*cough*.
PRUE: I didn't write the script, okay? Unless...
SHE PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT AND BEGINS SCRAWLING ON IT.
PRUE: This totally reminds me of that time Piper went crazy and they had the Book Of Shadows that was colour pencilled in.
BOTH BURST OUT LAUGHING.
PRUE: That was like the one time I'd been glad to have watched over them, it was so funny. And don't you think the Source is such a failure?
BUCKO: Hey, don't diss the Source. I'll have you know he's like, so good at chess.
PRUE: I bet Phoebe could kick his ass at chess.
BUCKO: Yeah, following her rules. I played with her once.
PRUE: What what WHAT? You were MY boyfriend!
BUCKO: Yeah, but it took me ages to get you in the sack. She's so much... ooh, what's the word?
PRUE: Sluttier? Easy? Trampish? Sleazy? Take your pick.
BUCKO: Yeah.
PRUE: Great.
BUCKO: So anyhoo. Now you know how I'm back on Earth, why don't you tell me why you are.
PRUE: Maybe later. Say... next week, same time?
BUCKO: I'll be there.
ROLL CREDITS.
VOICE OVER GUY: And that was the premier episode of 'Prue: Investigations', hopefully Ms Doherty will be popular enough to keep up with the general hugeness of the series Prue Investigations is a spinoff from, Charmeded.
VOICE OVER GAL: Actually, I have to say I quite liked it. The guest star Abbey from ER was a welcome surprise. Not sure about the return of Bucklands Guy, though. He was annoying!
VOICE OVER GUY: Anyway, you can catch Charmeded and Prue Investigations right here at the same time next week right here on KTV. Where else would you wanna be?
VOICE OVER GAL: *coughs*
She's koo. She's Prue. And she ain't Schmoo!
And it gets good soon.