A/N: They're totally OoC. Pansy and Draco, but Draco's always OoC in my fics, because that's just they way I think of him. Goo songfic. "Just The Way You Are."
I'm in love because I know you
And I'm sorry I don't show you
Pansy
Draco was sitting in a chair in the common room, staring off into space.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, not expecting him to answer or even hear me. Draco gets like that sometimes, lost in his own thoughts. I always wonder what he's thinking about.
Sometimes I don't want to know.
I've known Draco since I was eleven, and had a crush on him since I was twelve. I'm sixteen now, and I still barely know him at all. I know he's rich, handsome and, on the outside at least, prickly and mean. I know that sometimes, if you listen very hard, you can hear him crying at night, and I know that he has about him a great darkness that I can't even begin to wonder about.
I think sometimes that that's exactly what I love about him, that he's so mysterious-- but, I don't know, it seems like more.
"Nothing."
I was shocked to hear his voice. I couldn't believe he was willingly speaking words that didn't have anything to do with making fun of people.
He continued, shocking me further. "I was looking at a picture of my parents' wedding day. I was wondering, did they know that I would be their son? Me, personally? Probably not, but still.... I kinda feel bad for them.... at least I would, if they weren't such assholes themselves...."
I'm in Slytherin for a reason, you know. Don't get the idea that I'm some teenybopper crushing on the cute, mysterious guy at school because everyone else is. I'm in Slytherin because I know what I want in life and I'm going to do what I can to get it. I make fun of Potter and his friends, but I wouldn't have a problem with them if they knew what they were doing in life, why they were here. Draco doesn't know what he's doing, either, but he's trying to figure it out. Potter? Weasley? Granger? They don't know and they don't care. Oh, we're sixteen, la-la, we have all the time in the world, we don't have to worry for ages, nothing will ever go wrong...
Life's not like that.
So I am a Slytherin, for good reason, and Slytherins are not exactly the greatest sympathizers. So when Draco said what he said.... I just sort of stood there and looked at him. After about 30 seconds he got up and walked away.
And if I find that you ain't by me
I'm afraid no one will know the things you see
Draco
Sometimes.... Sometimes you get kicked in the face, not just by an actual event but just by a thought, and you'll be feeling horrible, and you never want to stop feeling horrible, because it's easier that way. Then, something comes, and you stop feeling like shit, and you're thankful, but at the same time you're thinking, Aw, hell, everything was easier back when I was horrid.
Today that something that came to save me was Pansy.
I always have mixed feeling about Pansy. I hate her and I love her, but that's just how life works, right? She doesn't know that sometimes I love her, but I could never tell her. I could never tell her because then I would have to ask her to love me back, and she wouldn't be able to, because no one can love me. I'm a dark, scary, cruel person. My life is already set in stone: Marry well, become a Death Eater, be an expert at the Dark Arts... I think my father would like me to learn necromancy. If I asked her to fall in love with me, I would be asking her to give everything up and try to adjust to my life, and that would be... wrong, because she can do so much more. And then she would say no, and I would probably go over the edge and kill myself. So now I just try to hate her. Or even better, I try to have no emotions at all.
If you never hope, you can never be let down.
Pansy
How could you believe in someone sorry and sad like me?
I know the deal and I thank you anyways
Draco was looking at me again today.
At first I thought he was just in one of his moods. I figured that he was so lost in his thoughts he didn't know what he was looking at.
But he did.
I asked him what was up. I have got to stop doing that.
He was sitting in the common room, looking forlorn. He said in reply, "Pansy? Do you think I'll end up like my father?"
I didn't know what to say. Again. It's getting really bloody annoying never knowing what to say. I must have a higher intellect than that.
He got up and started to walk away again. I thought, I can't let him go. I don't know why, but for some reason it felt like if he left now, he wasn't going to come back.
So I called out, "Draco. Wait."
He was only about 15 feet away from me, but I ran anyway. He looked at me a little strangely, but also like he understood. And before I could ask myself what the bloody hell I thought I was doing, I kissed him.
I didn't let go for a long time.
Draco
And if you leave you know I'm crawling at your feet
You never get weak when I'm leaning hard on you
Me and Pansy. I never would have guessed it.
But here we are.
It's a little more than a month since she kissed me. After she did, I don't know. It was weird. It was like we had an agreement, even though neither of us said anything.
We were together.
I'm trying very hard not to have any emotion about this. I can't let myself have any feelings at all about this. None at all.
But it's getting very, very hard. I guess I'm happy now-- happier than before, anyway. I don't know. I keep reminding myself that I can't feel anything. But I do.
We're getting on the train back home for the summer, right now. I don't want to go home. Be a Death Eater, do evil, hate everyone. No. I can't. I'm happy now, much as I hate to admit it. I won't let Lucius turn me into someone else so Pansy will hate me.
I'm happy with her. Always.
Today I almost screwed it up, though.
It was in such a stupid, cliche way. Pansy mentioned that she was going to see her friend Dan over the summer. Being the egotistical jerk that I am, of course, I went and said, "I thought you were my girlfriend."
"Of course I am, Draco," she said. "Dan's my friend."
I blew up at her. I don't know why. I was feeling like crap anyway.
Pansy said I didn't understand. I screamed, "Of course I don't understand! I don't have any friends! And now I'm not so sure I want a girlfriend either."
I was ready to leave, but she stopped me. Like last time.
"I don't want to fight with you, Draco," she said. "I... I love you."
I wanted to run. Not from embarrassment, not from repulsion, but... something else.
I won't admit what I think it is.
I stared at Pansy for a bit. She didn't look hurt when I didn't say I loved her back. She just...nodded.
"I understand," she said.
I guess she did.
And I guess that's just the way you are...
Pansy
And all the things that you don't show me
Like when you pretend that you don't know me
I told him I loved him. And I meant it. He didn't say he loved me back, but I understood. I understand. I love him, but. I'm trying not to. I know why he didn't say he loved me back. It wasn't that he could never love me, or even that he doesn't love me... it's that he doesn't want to. I know it's not because I repulse him or anything... it's another reason. I'm just not sure what it is yet.
I'm in Slytherin for a reason, remember. Because I know what I want. And now I want Draco. But if I'm never going to have him, I don't want to waste time wishing. I refuse to waste time wishing.
So I'm trying not to love him.
I'm having an alright summer. I miss Draco, no matter how many times I say I won't, but other than that's it's not bad. I don't have a tortured home life like some Slytherins... we're basically rather normal.
I don't miss Draco.
Aw, hell, yes I do.
Today my parents took me to Diagon Alley. Coming out of Madam Malkin's, I saw him. Draco. He saw me as well, I think, but he didn't say anything. Neither did away. We both turned away quickly, telling ourselves we didn't care about what we had just seen.
Draco
I waste a dime and I can't call you
I'll spend a lifetime if I fall for you
Horrid summer.
Bt Lucius was away most of the time. Thank God. Not as much nagging.
He cannot control my life.
When I see Pansy on the train, neither of us mention Diagon Alley. We can't.
She smiles at me anyway, kisses me.
Idon'tloveherIdon'tloveherIdon'tloveher.
I don't.
Something is different, though. Something I can't place. We talk the same as ever, we laugh the same as ever, but something is different. I don't know what.
Pansy notices it too. She finally blurts out, "Dammit, Draco, I love you. I don't know how you feel about me, but I love you. Try to figure out what you're doing, okay?" She's serious about the last thing she says, too, not sarcastic.
She wants me to figure it out.
I want me to figure it out too.
I turn away so she can't look at me. But the conductor screams that it's time to get off the train. Pansy whispers, "Common room around ten." I nod. It's all I can do.
Pansy
How could you believe in someone sorry and sad like me?
I know the deal and I thank you anyways
I was early, but Draco was already sitting in a chair by the fire when I got there.
"Hi", I said quietly, slipping into the chair next to him.
Draco has never been for niceties. "Pansy, I don't want to love you."
Somehow I had not been prepared for this. "Huh?"
"I don't want to love you, but I do. I can't help it. I can't love you. I keep telling myself that. But I love you anyway. I could never fall in love with anyone. It would ruin their life and mine."
"What do you mean?" I whispered. Draco was getting louder the longer he kept talking, but I was getting quieter.
"You have no idea how bad my life my life can be, Pansy. I'm not angry at you for that or anything, but you don't. If I fell in love, I knew I would... I knew I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. And I would have to say goodbye, understand? I could never be with anyone.
"But then you were here. You didn't care when I was moody. You never got angry at me. And.. and you kissed me."
Then he was silent.
Draco
And if you leave you know I'm crawling at your feet
You never get weak when I'm leaning hard on you
She didn't say anything.
Well, I sure as hell wasn't about to. I had just told her things I had been wanting to tell someone my entire life. It was her turn.
Finally she spoke.
"Do you want me to-- to go away? I wouldn't mind. I could graduate from Durmstrang. I... I could do that."
She was serious. I knew she would do that for me if I asked her to. But her eyes were pleading me to say no. Please, Draco, don't say yes.
I shook my head slowly. Then faster, and faster, and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face.
Pansy came over to me and kissed me. I held her. I wondered how I could ever let go of her-- physically and emotionally.
Maybe I would never do either.
And I guess that's just the way you are....
A/N: Aw, look, a fluff fic. Madgirl wrote a fluff fic. How sweet.
Barf.