NOV 30th
12 p.m.
Today is the thirtieth day of November and the rain is falling relentlessly outside of the window. Here I am writing in this stupid journal I am being forced to write in. If my therapist wants to know the sick and sadistic ways of my mind, then Dr. Cullen roll up your sleeves, because I will take you for a ride you cannot forget. Now I am laughing at myself. Anyway let us start this off properly.
Hello, my name is Isabella Swan. Age, 17. Location: Seattle, WA. I enjoy being with my family, kinda, and living a double life… secret to my family. By day, a part of the perfect and beautiful Swan family with our noses held high and hearts non-existent…But, by night… well we will get to that later.
Spoilers darling, I cannot give myself all away in the beginning
DEC 3rd
4 p.m.
The Swan family Estate sign hung from a post right outside the grand metal gate protecting our huge house from those kind of people who do don't meet my mother's and father's view of grand and luxurious living. I sat in a seat all by myself while my mother and father sat opposite of each other of the limo as we drove up the long driveway to our even colder house. My parents haven't been in love for a long time, but they refuse to get a divorce in spite of a scandal. God forbid there be a scandal involving people who do no love each other anymore. Oh the things people would say about us! We won't be perfect! I wish they would just break it off. My mother's face has grown more tired in the last ten years… I guess that's what happens when unhappy and empty for so long. God if she only knew that she looks like she has been desperately grasping at youth like rabid animal…maybe it would be a wakeup call to her.
Now, My father. He is an older gentlemen of 52 and is not a day past 39. He works in the city of Seattle where I see Dr. Cullen every Monday at five. Anyway, Daddy started up a hedge fund with some business buddies from college years ago that has turned into a successful company which provides us this long drive to get to our house. Needless to say, my mother is never there because off blowing daddy's money planning galas and charity events that she does not even research and my father is never around for more than five minutes. He always has to work or take business trips all the time leaving me to rot with mom. Even though he is gone all the time, I still love him best. He is the only one who asks me if I am okay and genuinely care to know the answer. He tries with what he has to make me happy. Since him and mom have had their arrangement worked out years ago he has paid more attention to me and I love the attention… it makes me feel warm.
6:30 p.m.
"Bella, may I come in?" Mom asks from the open doorway to my room. I turned from my desk to face her.
"Yes," I reply looking her in the eye almost angrily. She put a fist to her mouth to clear her throat, dropping my gaze, but I didn't let up. She made her way to my bed and gracefully sat down. She patted the side next to her and smoothed out the creases of the comforter. I stare at the spot she is beckoning me to before I move automatically to the bed. Her tight up-do had been let down and her breath lingered with wine. She still looked so tired.
"What's up?" I ask calmly while dreading the response of what she could possible want with me.
"Well you know that for inner city education charity… I cannot exactly remember the name for it now, but you know it right, darling? Anyway, I want you to come with me to our annual celebration to honor those doing good work. Your father will not be here and you will be all alone in this great house if you don't want to come with me. Come, darling, it will be amazing." Excitement lit her shinny brown eyes as she waited for me to answer her.
"Why? You have never asked me to go in the past? You said 'Darling, you must understand that this is how I blow off steam." And then "Maria! Maria! Come take Bella from me so I can leave!'
Her smile was now gone and her hard lines settled while her lips pursed into a straight line. "Honey, please. Dr. Cullen thinks it will be a good thing for you. Come on…" she coaxed.
"He is prescribing me a party?" I asked in a sarcastic tone as I eyed my mother from top of my RayBan glasses.
"In a way, yes, he is. Please, darling, come with me. And did I mention Dr. Cullen is bringing his family. He has a son. A cute and dashing one at that." She gave a sinful smile flashing her white teeth.
I laughed at her before succumbing to her begging "Fine, I will go with you."
"Perfect! I cannot wait to find you the most amazing dress. You will stun the room, darling! But we will have to hurry and go shopping, because it is on Friday!" She clapped and happy danced out my room.
I did not, I REPEAT, did not agree because of a boy.
Goodnight.
DEC 4TH
3 p.m.
The bell of last period rings at 2:20 and today I found myself anticipating today's events. I already had my bag packed neatly and sat at my side. The students around me all dressed casually while I am sitting in designer jeans, shoes, jacket, everything. Mom insist on only taking me to expensive stores in Seattle. But I insisted on going to a public school, I would not let them sending me to a place filled with people them. Public school is my escape to real life. To be honest if I get a double hit of pretentious snobs and cold hearts, I would stab myself with a fork.
The bell rung and we all filled out into hallways of Freemont High. I quickly made my way through the sheep before pushing out of the doors. And do you know what I saw. You'll never guess. My FUCKING MOTHER IN THE LIMO. IN THE FUCKING LIMO! No one really knew of my life at school… and they were not supposed to do. I don't need people being my friend because I have money from my family. I tried to act like it wasn't for me while it sat in the line of other parents. I just walked on with a group of laughing freshmen. Now, wait till you hear this, my fucking mom pops out of the sun roof screaming m name! MY NAME! What. The. Actual. Fuck.
"BELLA! BELLA, HONEY! I'm picking you up from school! Like a real mom! Look at me! Isn't this exciting!" she yelled while everyone turned towards me wide eyed and such. Meanwhile I turn bright red and rush to the door and slam it shut behind me.
"Charles. Hit it. NOW." I demanded as I pulled my mom by her leg back into the limo she fell with an umph. Charles pulled out of the driveway of my school quickly and I was glad he did so. Now I will hear all about this from my peers on Monday.
And now I am here writing down my mom not only exposing me but embarrassing me in front of a good amount of people. Grrrreeeat!
But I guess now the heat of everything has faded from my cheeks as we drive into the city. We are going to a small dress boutique that my mother always goes to for these kind events. I have to go, we are almost there.
5 p.m.
We just got home in a rush, but we still picked out a nice dress and shoes to match. The sales ladies insisted I get this crimson red floor length dress that had a high lace collar and corseted bodice with a sheath waist made of dark navy blue lace. I think it looked great against my dark hair and pale skin. My mother would not hear it if I protested it or not, she was buying it for me no matter what.
Got to go again… ya' know gotta do girly things. I'll spare you the details.
12 p.m.
All ready and blushing my mother and I stepped out of the limo and onto the red carpet leading up to some luxurious hotel. My mom looked at me with a smile as she grabbed my hand and began fast-walking us up the carpet to the big grand doors.
"Come on, Bella, We are already late! It is already 7:30!" she called back to me.
"I am in heels, mother, calm down!" I snapped back laughing as we made our way across the lobby to the large doors.
The older gentleman wearing a hotel uniform smiled our way when we approached the banquet doors and opened them up to reveal a large party of all the beautiful and the rich. As I looked past the stairs leading down into the party, I saw tables decorated in white and light blue tablecloths pieced with small arrangements of red poinsettias. It truly was spectacular. I had not noticed my mother had gone in already without me and had found a group of people to chat up with a class of champagne in hand. I looked back at the man with an apologetic look as I hurried in. I slowed at edge of the first and began my decent.
I hear my mother's words in my head as I walked down you are a Swan. Swan women are graceful. I was being graceful as possible, because I felt all eyes on me and my heart rate was quickening. I looked slowly up from the steps and swept the room. I found the room was staring at me. THE WHOLE ROOM. I mean it. But I kept walking with my head held high just like a Swan should be. Graceful, strong, beautiful. After the initial shock of stopping a room I made my way to my mother and Dr. Cullen.
"There you are, honey." Mother greeted me a not so warm hug
"Ah, Bella, You look dashing," Dr. Cullen greeted me with a tight, short hug.
"Bella, I would like meet my family." He swept his hand to his hand to his right to four beautiful people.
"This is my wife, Esme." I said hello and shook her hand.
"These are daughters Alice and Rosalie" Alice was short with dark brown pixie hair while Rosalie was tall and blond like Dr. Cullen definitely a supermodel waiting to be discovered…both of them. I said a shy hi to them
"And this young man is my son, Edward." I froze at the sight of him… I froze at his golden eyes borrowing deep into mine. I looked away from the intense gaze quickly before everyone began to wonder.
I cleared my throat. "Hell- Hi, I am Bella." As I offered my hand. He didn't take it but returned my hello.
I couldn't keep my eyes off of him the whole night. The way he looked in the slim black tux with those piercing eyes. I only looked at him when he was not looking, I think I would die if he caught me undressing him with my eyes.
My mom had ditched me the whole night. I only saw her talking and laughing historically with other groups of people. Her not once glancing my way so I b-lined to the open bar.
The bartender, a younger guy dressed in a white tux asked me "What'll be, Miss?"
"I like to keep simple… what do you say you give me an old fashion. Double shot."
"Hey, how old are you?" I leaned in onto the bar a little closer to bartender with a devilish smile.
"Does it matter anyway? Look, I'll give you two hundred dollars under the table you just give me what I order. Now please, kind sir, can I get that fucking drink?" I said the last bit with a sigh of desperation. He just nodded and I slipped the money into an empty dry cup off to my side. He eyed it and went to fixing my drink. I let out my breath in relief.
"You know a lady like yourself shouldn't have a mouth like that." I whipped my head to the mysterious voice to find Edward leaning on the bar with an arm at an angle to sip his drink.
"And a person as young as you shouldn't be drinking." I pawed back at him
"And you," I turned back to the bartender putting my drink in front of me "Did you cheat on me with him and make the same deal with him?" I asked with a smile. He just smiled and shook his head yes. Edward laughed some more at him giving up so easily. I took my drink up from the bar and lifted it to my lips and took a quick gulp of alcohol.
"God that's horrible. Why did I think I wanted this?" I said as felt instant regret in my stomach.
"Would you like me to finish that for you? Do you need something more… girly?" Edward asked walking toward me with his drink in hand. Stopping to lean to his side on the bar.
"No, I just like to complain sometimes. It is actually perfect. I ordered a double so it is gonna kick your ass." I said with a mile spread on my lip looking up at him.
"Hey want to do something fun?" he asked take a long sip of his dark drink.
"I have not drank enough to do anything fun."
"Can I have two more of our drinks please?" he asked the bartender and he went to work making them. I just looked at his strong jaw line and his neck as he was talking. Getting lost in sinful daydreams. When he turned back to face me I snapped out of it give or take a couple of seconds.
"Come on, finish that drink faster." He demanded
"Fine." I chugged the drink down till there was not anything left.
"Here you are guys." The young bartender interjected with our fresh drinks on a shiny silver tray. Edward scooped up the tray in one hand and offered the other arm to me.
"Miss Swan, may I have your arm? And may I add you look very beautiful tonight?" he was so cute.
"You may," I curtsied taking his arm "And thank you." He chuckled as he led me away from the maddening crowd of rich snobs. He led me to a back door in the corner of the room underneath the grand staircase. It led out to a hallway of rooms.
"Where are we going may I ask?" getting a slight feeling of excitement in my stomach.
"The roof." Simply put.
"Fun. But it is December in Washington. It is fucking cold outside."
"So I will give you my coat." He said as a smile flashed on his face making me blush.
"Okay. Deal." I replied as I continued to follow him down the hallway to the elevators.
As I walked I didn't really speak to him but I noticed him looking over at me frequently as if he couldn't stop. I liked that.
When we finally got to the roof it was as cold as I predicted and Edward gave me his coat promptly.
"Here ya' go." He said as he draped the coat over my shoulders.
"Thank you." I took a big gulp out of one of my glasses feeling the liquor warm me as it slid down to my stomach.
"For a girl, you sure do drink." He sipped at his dark liquid.
"Developed habit unfortunately." I sipped at my drink too while walking up the ledge of the roof that had a wall coming up to my waist. I guess to discourage jumping. Edward close behind. I leaned over the wall setting my drinks beside me.
"You seem sane enough, so why do you see my father. I mean if you don't mind my asking you?" that question seemed to come out of no where
"I do not think I am drunk enough to answer your question yet." I say bluntly and he laughs. God that laugh was like honey to my ears. I could listen to it for an eternity.
"Fair enough."
There was a long pause of silence, but I didn't mind it was not awkward with him like it would be with anyone else I know. But with this pause I watched the sky. The clouds hanging low and foggy with snow. It feels like the flakes could fall at a moment's notice. I looked back at him studying the live below while taking a long sip of his drink. I did the same except I finished my drink in another gulp. I hate the process of getting drunk. The taste is awful but I like the end result. Not thinking about my life as I know it.
"Look at me" he said softly in the night air so I did.
"You truly are beautiful, Isabella Swan." I almost fainted at his words but my knees buckled instead partly because it was cold. I just kept my eyes focused on his feeling myself being drawn closer to him until there was no more space between us. Our noses touched at the tips, but just staring each other down. Like we didn't know what this feeling was between us. New found and electric.
I made the first move and slightly tilted my head to the right and pushed my lips up against his softly at first. His lips felt plump and soft and molded against mine as they worked together. I could not help myself to let out a soft whimper as he kissed me. The whimper, I guess, caused something to erupt from within him because his hand swopped fast to the small of my back and pulled me into his body. I whimpered again on his lips. I pulled back to find his eyes filled with something else. Desire? Fire?
"We better get back to the party…" he said as he offered me his hand.
Tonight was the best night of my life regardless of my drunken state. When we got home I got ready for bed and wrote this. So sleepy must pass out it is one in the morning!
DEC 10th
Today I went to see Dr. Cullen after school and he gave me a prescription for Prozac because he believes I suffer from depression and anxiety. Thank you Dr. Cullen for making feel like something is wrong with me. Is it weird that my potential crush's dad is my therapist? I feel it is a little conflicting, but he is a good doctor who I believe wouldn't who would spill my secrets to Edward. GOD I HOPE NOT!
"So, Bella, I would like to talk to you about you. What's up?" he asked
"Oh, you mean other than my cold snobbish family who could give a rat's ass about what I want or what is good for me? I mean come on they sent me to you instead of dealing with it with me and telling me it is going to be okay. My father is never home. Ever. And as a coping mechanism my mother spends money on the beautiful thing in the world. Filling our great big house with useless things. Only caring about the material things. Does she even know I exist outside of being another beautiful Swan that she dangles in front of everyone? I am another thing to them. 'Oh it is just my daughter. Not like she exists or anything. Let us just send her to this expensive doctor to fix her problems and deny that they really exist. The deep cuts on her arms aren't really there for any reason. Just teenage angst.' Well, fuck you too mom and dad. Why did you ever bring me into this world if you are distracted by everything else?" I spat out with anger and sarcasm dripping from every word.
"How does that make you feel? This is a safe place." His voice was cool and smooth. Like a knife cutting through softened butter.
"Alone. Like no one gives a shit weather I live or not. I could kill myself right now in front of you and would you even care? Sure you would be horrified and cry out of shock, but you would not really care afterwards? What impact have I made on people to even care if I am not at the table for a silent awkward dinner or at my desk in my first period…? My mom would probably just focus on making my death an extravagant expenditure. Worrying about the color palette or if my last outfit clashed with the latest fashion."
"I am going to prescribe you a medication called Prozac. It helps for depression… Severe depression. Bella, the things you stated to me today have led me to conclude that you do in fact suffer from this. Usually I just give people what they want to hear. I could tell you that everything is going to be okay and swell, but the fact is that these problems are not just going away. You have 17 years to decide how you feel about your family and it led you down a dark road because you are 'alone'," he put alone in quotation marks. "And you feel as you cannot come back from that road. I want you to come to me with anything. ANYTHING."
I did not know how to react to the sincerest words anybody has ever spoken to me, but I thought for a minute of how to reply.
"Thank you, Dr. Cullen. You do not know what that means to me. Really." He just nodded at me and glanced at his fancy-looking wrist watch and then back at me with an amazing smile. I can see where Edward gets his looks now that I am not wearing my beer goggles.
"Looks like our time is up for today. See you next week?" he said casually and calmly.
"Do I have a choice?" I asked as he handed me my slip for my Prozac and I took it and threw it in my purse. He just laughed at my response as I walked away.
My father's limo pulled up not ten minutes later. I smiled as I opened the door to find it empty with a note waiting on the seat.
Bella,
I am sorry I could not make it to pick you up so I sent Charles instead. I have to work hard to bring the bacon home to your mother to spend.
-With love, dad.
With anger and sadness wagging war inside my chest I told Charles to go to the pharmacy and take me home.