Disclaimer: I do not own the characters as they belong to Russell T Davies and the BBC but I do get to play with them.
Notes: This is just something that has been kicking around in my head for a few weeks after I heard the song 'Black Heart'. It is pure, unadulterated angst from Ianto's POV in his diary after Cyberwoman.
Fallen for a monster
Diary, I've fallen for a monster and it's scaring me to death. You know who it is. It's Jack. Even as he shot her; even as what was left of her lay in my arms, and at my feet, it was still him. He looked at me, dared me to say anything, dared me to protest, but I'd done my protesting, called him a monster. Looking at her, listening to her, I knew I'd been wrong. She was a monster too.
Then again, perhaps I'm the monster. Is my heart black and not his? Can I blame it all on him? I flirted. I wiggled my arse and offered it on a plate. I knew what I was doing. I told myself that it was for her, to keep her alive. It was at the start, dropping to my knees right outside that door so he wouldn't go in there. In the end I wanted him, sought him out, desperate to have him inside me, filling me, completing me, in a way she never did. And he knew it. I hated him, hated that he'd made me so….. and loved him for what I'd made him do. If he knew it; I knew it too.
He's big and he's bad but he's the best I've ever had. I knew his reputation but I didn't care. I couldn't help myself. He's like a drug and I'm the addict. Even though he killed her, told me to kill her, I know that I'll go back, if he'll have me. I tried to build the walls around my heart. Told myself I didn't care. Told myself it was just fucking, but he blew the walls down as expertly as he blew me. Every kiss made them crumble, every caress caused more cracks, every climax blew them down, taking me with them, piece by piece.
Diary I've fallen for a monster and its scaring me to death …
That he won't want me anymore.