Dear Piece of Paper I Will Burn Later,
I have a secret. It's huge and I absolutely can not tell anyone,but I need to let some of my feelings out, or I swear to god, I'd explode. I'm in love. It shouldn't be a big deal now, should it? Love isn't exactly uncommon but this kind of love is. I'm in love with my best friend. She's a girl...and I'm a girl, but, oh god, I'm sure that I have never felt this way before in my life.
You know what, I shouldn't even be in love with her. She could be cruel. At times she hurts me the way no one but her could, but...I love her. It's just her, you know. It's not just the way she looks, although that is definitely part of it. It's all of her. It's the way that she is. I love everything about her, even the bad parts. I can't stop thinking about the way that she moves, the way she smirks at me, the way she is. I can not get her out of my mind. My face is flushed just thinking about her and my heart is fluttering like crazy. I love her, that's all I know.
She hurts me, though. No one else knows but her, but I've kissed her once. It was amazing. It was literally a dream come true. For a while, I just felt complete. We didn't talk about it at all afterwards. Not until that time in the locker room when I kissed her neck and she rejected me. That stung. I was humiliated. I was so hurt. She said it was just practice. It felt like more than that to me. It felt real to me. Of course I didn't tell her that. I tried to play it off as a joke in the car ride back to her place. But the thing is that it wasn't. It wasn't a joke to me.
It hurts to be around her sometimes. It hurts to see her flirt with random cute guys. It hurts to know that we will never be more than what we are because I'm not what she wants. I never will be. As much as it hurts to be around her, it hurts more not to be. I feel like I need her. I feel like I'm addicted to her. I am addicted to Alison Di Laurentis. She is not good for me at all, but I can't get enough of her. She's like a drug, damn it.
She tortures me sometimes. Sometimes she hurts me so much, I consider avoiding her for the rest of my life. It's her little 'jokes' about the locker room thing. It's her little jokes about me possibly being gay that hurts me. It's the feeling that she doesn't care about my feelings at all that hurts me the most. It's not really hate that's the opposite of love it's indifference. Her indifference to my feelings stings, mostly because I'm so afraid of hurting her and she hurts me like it's nothing at gets flirty and provocative too. She does it in a teasing way. The way that makes me go crazy inside. And then she says something that makes me feel stupid. I can never hate her though. I love her too much. A little too much, i think. Damn.
I think she somehow knows when I feel like I've had enough of her. She somehow senses it when I can't take anymore of her crap. Just when I feel like I can get over her, she does something that makes me feel absolutely special and unique and I fall in love with her even more.
She's bad for me, alright, but I'm like a drug addict. Withdrawal would be awful. Can someone please tell me if there's such a thing as Ali rehab. I need that. God, I'm going nuts.
You know, it's not like I never tried to stop thinking about her. I'm actually dating this guy, Ben. He's cool, just a bit pushy sometimes. Ben is cute. He's athletic He's tall, and he's not too much of a douchebag. So, why is it, that when I kiss Ben, all I can think about is her? All I can think about is how much I wish it was her cherry lip gloss I was tasting, instead of Ben's minty mouth. Why is it that when I hold Ben's slightly bigger than mine and kinda rough hand, I wish I was holding her small, delicate, smooth hand? It would be so easy if I was just in love with a guy instead of Ali. It would be so easy.
I need to get a grip. I'm going crazy. I have to go piece of paper. Ali and I are going shoe shopping in around two hours. I need to find something good to wear.