Started: Jan. 2014
Finished: Jan. 2014
A/N: Takes place after the restaurant scene and before Sherlock asks Molly for help. This could take place with or with out Mary in the picture. Generally a bromance but I also ship Johnlock.
Sherlock heard someone knocking at the door. His eyes widened in surprised when he opened it to find John looking up at him with sad eyes. Sherlock stood there frozen. "May I come in?" John asked.
"Oh yes of course. Sorry I was," he cut himself off. He sat down on his usual chair. "Have a seat," he invited.
"I'd rather stand." John held out his hand to Sherlock. The tall man, surprised by the desire of contact, stood quickly and took his friend's hand. He noticed his friend's eyes become tearful. John spoke keeping his eyes on their entwined hands. "When I thought you to be gone, I felt a part of me gone as well. I tried to hold on to everything that you made me feel, good and bad, I missed it desperately. You made me feel safe." He laughed sadly. "Even though I almost died a few times when I was with you. I believed in you and I never stopped." Tears ran down his face. Sherlock took that as a queue to wrap his arms around the shorter mans shoulders. "I would've died for you." The tall man looked pained.
"John, I'm no one to die for," he said quietly.
"Do you still not understand?" John whispered.
"I knew nothing of friendship or companionship before you," Sherlock began soothingly. "No feelings to prolong anyone's life but my own. I left to keep you safe. I kept you in the dark to keep you safe. I dismantled Moriarty's web. That was no small task."
"But, just one word, all I needed was one word to prove to me you were still alive," said John. Sherlock's tall frame leaned away and rested his hands on John's shoulders.
"I understand but, look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't have searched for me?" John sighed and shook his head hopelessly. "See?" he said gently. "Now tell me you understand. Tell me I still mean the same to you as I did before. Tell me we can go back to the way things were." John felt naked in front of him. Humiliated and embarrassed in the way that his friend could still read him like a book. He felt slightly upset at his friend's audacity to ask for the things he was asking for and so soon as if he knew what his answer would be. He did know what his answer would be.
"If you know, then why do you need me to say it?"
"Because John, I need to hear it." John laughed sadly and let a few more tears fall at his friend's very human admittance of a need of verbal confirmation.
"You? You need affirmation? You're always so sure of yourself."
"This is me not being so sure of myself."
"Sherlock, are you being real?" he questioned, looking in his friends often deceptive eyes. "Because the way you came to me in the restaurant was not good, it was in fact cruel, so cruel. You should've just come to me like this." The tall man sighed.
"Yes, I realized that it wasn't the way I should've gone about seeing you again. I wanted to make a grand entrance because seeing you again was a grand occasion. But I see now that it was insensitive. I should've handled it with more care because I do…care, about you." He paused surprised at his admittance. He thought back about how much care he had put into their relationship before he had left. He had thought it was obvious, something that he never had to say but now felt compelled to say it. "I'm not good at these things John, expressing myself, sentiment, but I want to be good, for you."
"You are a good man Sherlock." John put his hands on his friends forearms. "You were off being a hero and I missed you. I just missed you. I forgive you, of course I forgive you," John said. He thought for a long time about what he was going to say next. He didn't want to make his friend feel guilty. He did want his friend to understand the gravity of the situation even though he was doubtful of that he would. He decided that there wasn't any harm in being completely honest with him. "I was in a very dark place before I met you," John looked down not able to look him in the eye. "Then you changed it all in little more then an instant. I had every day to look forward to. When you where gone I, I found myself looking up at the sky from a few rooftops and I didn't feel so alone anymore. I imagined that you were still here somehow, in spirit or in body, far, far away some where for some reason. I imagined you that if you could see me, you'd tell me not to jump." Sherlock felt an unfamiliar pain, a panic. He had always had control but now he was beginning to loose it and started to shake. He could not stand to hear another word of his friends heart breaking confession. He put a hand to his friends lips to silence him from the terrible visions he was giving him. "I imagined you'd take my hand and tie me to this world for another day." Sherlock drew in a shaky breath.
"For god sakes stop," he pleaded and took John into a fierce embrace. Sherlock found it hard to breathe. He blinked and unfamiliar, unbidden tears ran down his face. His friend was shocked at his sudden burst of emotion and instantly wished to take his confession back.
"Sherlock, I'm sorry I-," Sherlock took a long moment of struggling to regain composer.
"John, I, I did not know," he began. Sherlock leaned away still keeping him close. "You, you told this to no one?"
"No, I didn't tell anyone. I felt too ashamed, lost, embarrassed and guilty to tell anyone. That after two years, I should not still be feeling this way. I didn't want the help they would think they could give me. I wanted you. I knew you where never good for me, like what a normal person would consider good, but I still wanted to be your friend all the same. I felt it was my fault for getting close to you. I didn't know-"
"Don't say that. Don't you dare think that any of this was your fault."
"I just didn't know what drove you to it, why you had to leave." Sherlock held his shorter friend's face between his hands and looked into his face intensely.
"Look, listen to me, I will try to keep you privy to all of my plans but you need to trust me."
"I do, I always have."
"You need to do exactly as I say, and if there is no time to explain, you have to do it anyway, with out question."
"I will, just don't do that to me again."
"I will not lead you to believe me dead again. And you, tell me if you ever have those thoughts again. And if I don't understand, make me. You're one of the few people who I long to understand and handle with the utmost care. You're the one person whom I want to understand me."