Hello there! I guess I could be entering a whole new fandom here. I've been a Remus/Lily shipper for quite a while, ever since I've become a Remus-esque figure myself. My friends at school in fact, call me "Moony."
But unfortunately, this isn't really a Remus/Lily fic, it's more of a friendship and comfort than a romance. It's obvious that Remus has feelings for her, but not so obvious on Lily's point of view (though in the sequel, they do get together. Might post that one on here, but I'm not sure...)
This is a roleplay between a friend and I...I was Remus, and she was Lily, so if it's even vaguely disjointed, that would be why.
Well, anyway, I hope you enjoy!
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Sixteen-year-old Remus Lupin stared at the front of the Daily Prophet, his eyes wide. The amber irises were filled with terror as he read the headline – "Death Eaters, Knights gain Popularity" – with a blurred, moving photo of hexes and wizards in dark-coloured robes and masks. His legs felt like jelly, and he couldn't have moved if he wished to. His friends were…well, they had gone…off…somewhere. James had made a vague excuse about "the library," but that had to have been wrong, right? James…along with Sirius and Peter…had never set foot in the Hogwarts library…
Remus wanted to tear his eyes away from the paper, but he could not. He wanted to eat his breakfast in peace, but it was far too late for that. If he ate anything, he would surely be sick. He blinked in order to look away, shoving the paper into his bag, his heart pounding with something akin to terror. That bastard Greyback had known, when he'd threatened him that summer. He had known all of this, all this horror, would happen. And because he was determined to prove him wrong, determined to prove that not all werewolves were bad…he knew he would do anything to resist the dark powers that were growing.
Lily wandered down to breakfast as it was just a normal, ordinary day. The slight skip in her step showed that she was bright and breezy, ready for the day. The glint in her eyes showed that she was up to date with all of her homework and had prepared her study guide until the end of the year. The smile on her face showed that she was looking forward to her day, starting with the Charms lesson she thrived in.
But all the changed as he entered the Great Hall. A heavy silence hung around the room, pressing down onto her shoulders as she tried to drag herself through towards the Gryffindor table. People were whispering to each other, heads huddled together. Catching sight of Remus, Lily slid herself onto the bench in front of him, glancing around the eerie room before speaking softly to him. "Remus, what's going on?" She asked, her eyes flicking to look at him, finally looking for the first time properly since she woke up. She saw the look on his ace, causing hers to erupt in a look of confusion. "Are you…are you okay?"
Remus's face was pale and his hands were trembling slightly, as he twisted his fingers in his lap. He briefly looked up at Lily, and gave her the largest smile he could muster...which was still as small as the tiniest smile he'd given her. The last time he'd seen her was the previous night, leading the new first years up to the Gryffindor dormitories, and he was sure his heart had caught in his throat. He wasn't quite sure how he would last the entire year without keeping his feelings from her knowledge...and of course...keep her from picking up on the days he chose to go absent. Lily was a bright girl, and if Remus was honest with himself, he would've been surprised that she hadn't found him out earlier.
"I..." Remus swallowed and licked his lips. His voice held a tremor, but he nodded his head, looking away from her again. "I should be," he said, but his voice was far too distant to have held any meaning. "I...I ought to go..." But his hurried rush to stand up only resulted in tripping fully over the bench and face-planting on the cold stone floor. Remus cursed violently and stood up, a rather thin cut lining his cheek as his face increasingly reddened.
Lily's eyes were laden with fear and confusion as she looked over at Remus, catching his eyes for just the few seconds. He looked so pale, so weak. Lily had always admired the way he looked, it was so strong and defined. Like he knew what he wanted, where he was going and he was sure about it. But now he just looked so broken, so...different. Lily couldn't place her finger on exactly what was troubling him, but she knew it had to be something and that worried her.
"Remus, maybe I can help if you tell me?" Lily asked, still softly, as she reached out towards her friend, wanting to bring comfort but it was too late. "Oh crap." She muttered, rushing around the edge of the table to where Remus was once laying on the floor, by now he was standing up and she saw the cut and the embarrassment on his face. "Sit down." Lily told him, pulling her wand out of her cloak as she eyed his cut thoroughly. "Does it hurt anywhere else?'
Remus's eyes flicked to her wand, which was pointed right at his face. He crinkled his eyebrows and reached up to touch his cheek. "Does it hurt anywhere...else?" he mumbled to himself, but stopped wondering what she meant as he drew his hand away from his face, feeling blood flowing under and onto his fingers. He winced, only then feeling the wound.
Lily nearly dragged him back to the bench to sit, and he couldn't help but to smile at her insistence. Oh yes...he liked this girl. Unlike Sirius, he had no problem seeing what drew James to her. In some ways that was good. In others...not so much. It would be considered a betrayal in James's eyes, wouldn't it? If one of the Marauders even so much looked at Lily. He knew that for a fact.
"No," he mumbled, the red in his face not diminishing even for a moment. "Have you..." Remus sighed shakily. "Lily, have you seen the Prophet this morning?"
Lily's wand stayed pointing at her friend's face, waiting for him to agree and let her help. She knew that Remus could be quite stubborn, but she was prepared. Lily was already running through in her mind how she was going to convince him to stop the blood, but as he sat down a soft sigh left her lips. It hadn't been too hard this time.
Lily caught his soft smile as she muttered a spell under her breath, her hand still. At times Lily could get very nervous, but when she was doing magic she felt like it was the most normal thing in the world, like she could achieve anything. But she noticed the smile leaving his lips, causing her to frown slightly. She liked him smiling…it made her smile too. She liked her friends to be happy.
But the feeling in the room this morning already hinted to her that a lot of people in the room weren't. She was just about to ask what was wrong again, but he spoke first. Her hand shaking slightly as instantly hundreds of thoughts plagued her mind at once. "Erm…" Lily cleared her throat, shaking her head slowly. "N-not for a few days. Wh-what's happened?"
Remus felt the wound on his face slowly close up, and soon there was only a silver line, and the pain was gone. He smiled a little bit. It was ironic. He had scars all about his body...scars ranging from little silver lines, to huge gashes that were liable to open at any moment, thanks to...well, thanks to his furry little problem.
He offered her a slight smile, as small as the previous one, as he reached for his bag, pulling it closer to him. He reached in and carefully slid out the Morning's issue of the Daily Prophet. Folding it to the first page, Remus handed it to her, his fingers slightly trembling. "Imagine reading about this," he said, his fingers leading her down to an article, just a small snippet, about a family of four found dead, with the Dark Mark over their house. "It was in Yorkshire, Lily. Not far from where I live at all."
There was no more hiding it. He was scared. He would never want to admit it, not to James, not to Sirius, not even to Lily. Not to anyone. But he, Remus Lupin, was abso-bloody-lutely terrified.
Lily reached up to his scar, her fingers pressing onto it softly. "Yeah, that looks okay." She said, dropping her hand down onto the prophet he was offering out for her. Lily turned herself around slowly, resting the paper down onto the table. She swung her legs over, slowly starting to read the article that Remus had indicated to him.
She saw the way that his hands had shaken upon passing it over, the way he spoke to her. Lily knew that this was going to be one of them articles she wouldn't want to read, Remus' summary confirming it.
She began to read, the words sinking into her mind as she tried to understand what was happening, why this could be happening? Weren't their people working to stop this, weren't people trying to protect everybody? She reached out instantly, her hand clasping onto his arm, half for comfort, half for support. "D-Did you know them?" Lily whispered, here eyes scanning the article once more.
Remus extended his arm to wrap around her shoulders, if only in order to help support her more. He shook his head. "No," he said softly. "Not really. They moved in only last summer. I didn't even know they were wizards. I went over in July to see if they needed help with anything, but no one ever answered. It was strange." A few tears dripped from his amber eyes, but his own body shook with the effort of trying to remain strong.
"I..." He wiped at his eyes and sniffed. "Lily, I'm scared," he whispered, looking over at her. "I'm so scared..." Remus swallowed, running a hand through his hair as he snatched the paper back, shoving it into his bag as if the very words caused him pain. "What if...I receive the paper tomorrow, and there's my mother's death? My cousins? They're Muggles, Lily, my cousins! It would all be my fault..."
Lily felt a slight sense of relief at his words, quickly being replaced by an overwhelming sense of guilt. She shouldn't have thought any less of them deaths than of those which directly affected the ones she cared about. Nobody deserved to die, Lily felt that into her heart but sometimes she regrettably lost sight of it.
She looked up at him as she heard his sniff, her arms wrapped around him quickly. The hurt, the pain, the fear on his face and in his words scared Lily more than she ever thought was possible. Remus was the one she went to when she was hurting, when she needed somebody to comfort her. So now, as he was so fragile it made Lily not only scared herself, but feel as though she wanted to hold him, to protect and comfort him like he had done her.
"I know, Remus…" She whispered, "We're so in the unknown aren't we?" Lily looked up, shaking her head softly. "But…we can't think about what if's. Not now…" Frowning, she continued to shake her head. "But it wouldn't be your fault, it's not your fault that he's…that they…that things happen."
As he felt her arms tighten around him, small tears dripped continuously from Remus's eyes. His arms almost instantaneously wrapped around her small waist as his body trembled at the thought of anyone...of his family...of his friends...of /Lily/ getting hurt because of him...
"But they'd blame me," he said softly. "They always blame me for everything that goes wrong." Remus didn't even register that he could very well be telling Lily his biggest and darkest secret, the one that made him feel disgusted every day of his life, the one that made him an outcast in the eyes of the world. The one...defining attribute that had made him the Remus Lupin he was now, at this moment.
The funny thing was...that at this moment, there was a beautiful girl with her arms wrapped around him, telling him that everything was going to be okay. That was something he'd never imagined...of course, with the exception of his mother, who had held him the very same way after every full moon when he was younger. "It'd be all my fault...I'm the Gryffindor. I'm the w-w-wizard." He caught himself just in time, before he said the word "werewolf." The monster.
Holding onto him as she listened, Lily wasn't sure what she could do to help. She was in the same position, her head making her sure of that as she looked up. "Remus." She said softly back, shaking her head. "Remus none of it could be your fault, you can't help what happens." She bit her lip, her eyes finding his as she looked up. "Listen…I think now if…if he…if they want to do something…if they intend to kill somebody or torture people…I…I don't think anybody can vow to save everybody. We can only try our best to overcome it."
"Just because you're a wizard doesn't mean you can protect them…especially from here." Lily said carefully, "I don't mean that you can't physically…but we just can't do it." Lily closed her eyes as she rested her head down onto his chest, holding him tightly in her arms. "I know what you mean…I understand completely.
Remus wanted to scream, to yell, to holler out...to yell at her, that no, she bloody well didn't understand! No one else in this school, no one else that resided in this castle, that had ever resided at Hogwarts, could understand how he felt. They would never have experienced the pain that he did monthly, the pain he'd experienced since he was barely old enough to remember. And that was what hurt the most. That he could remember it. He remembered being happy as a young boy. He remembered himself, and his mother, and his father...and they were happy. His parents had loved him. Not his father, once the editor of the Daily Prophet, was dead. His mother was ill, sick with worry for her only son who was cursed for the rest of his life.
"But I should be able to, Lily," he said, his heart thudding traitorously in his chest as she leaned her head right over it. He held her tightly, restraining his whole self from planting a kiss, warm and reassuring, on the top of her head. That would cause a whole other set of problems. "I should be able to save them. But I can't, and that's why it hurts."
Lily shook her head slightly at his words, like nothing she had said had been listened too. Lily pulled away, adjusting herself on the bench so she could face him properly. "Listen Remus, you can't save them. You're here and they're there. Besides, you're still learning magic. We all are." Lily sighed slightly, looking down for a few moments.
"My family are all Muggles too, what if I lose all of them because of this?" Looking up, she frowned slightly. "I'm not going to let them down, but I wouldn't be able to. They've got a better chance with me not being there. Why would your Muggle cousin's be targeted?"
Remus let out a dry laugh at her actions. "I must seem pretty helpless, don't I?" he asked, wiping his red-and-puffy eyes. "I know that." His voice returned to the quiet sadness, and he stared at the opposite wall. "I'd like to think I know enough magic to help. The thought that I'm so weak...so fragile...it burns me, Lily, it really does..."
"I..." He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily, I didn't think," he murmured softly. "I...my cousins live close to us, and visit my mum often. They could be coming over for a simple visit, and the bloody Death Eaters could show up...and bam, innocents dead. Another bloody newspaper article."
"Remus you're not weak, they're just so much stronger." She hated to admit it, Lily had always strived to do the best she could in this world. She felt as though in the muggle world so many people had been let down by her, she had no way to prove to her muggle relatives that didn't know what her qualifications were. She had no way of getting along with her sister.
"Just…" She sighed slightly, shaking her head. "People just need to be sensible at the moment. Maybe them visiting your mum isn't the…best idea at the moment if you're that worried about them." Her eyes were scanning his face, not being able to draw themselves away from his puffy eyes, the fear and pain behind them. She leant stood up, pecking his cheek softly and speaking soft into his ear. "Come on, let's go somewhere else?" Glancing around the room, Lily still hated the eeriness and the way anybody could see how Remus was feeling.
Remus's cheek burned as he felt her lips touch him, his entire face turning slightly pink. He swallowed and then nodded. "O-okay," he breathed out, his voice almost too hoarse for him to speak. He shouldered his bag and stood up, carefully swinging his legs over in order to stand properly, and not trip clumsily as he'd done before in his worry.
He smiled gratefully at the girl who was beside him, her own eyes unfalteringly staring into his. Remus chewed on his lip for a moment, nodding again. "Thanks, Lily," he whispered, offering her an arm up. "Maybe we'll both get out of this whole thing okay, yeah?"
Lily leant on Remus' arm, pushing herself up and climbing over the bench gently. "Thank you, sir," Lily smiled courteously, picking up her stuff and clutching it to her chest. "Yeah," She nodded, her eyes focusing on the door to the hall. "Of course we will. All of us will."
Sliding her arm into his, Lily looked back at him, feeling a weird pang inside. Part guilt, part hope. She hoped to God that what she was saying was right. That they would both get out of it fine. Both get out of it without losing anybody. She didn't want to give false hope, but inside it's what Lily really wanted. But she would feel so guilty if something happened to his family. What if he couldn't trust her again? "C'mon, we can go for a walk?" She suggested, tugging on his arm gently.
Remus responded to the tug on his sleeve with a quiet not, accompanied by a soft "Yes, of course, anything." He adjusted his bag on his shoulder and smiled a little at Lily, letting both their arms drop. Though he wasn't about to let her go that easily. He offered her simply his hand. Of course he didn't expect her to take it, and he wished he could rescind the offer...she would certainly think he was being too bold. After all, they weren't dating, they were barely friends. Remus would have slapped himself on the forehead if he didn't have company. He was such an idiot, for letting his feelings get in the way.
"Where to?" he asked, a hint of playfulness in his far-too-saddened voice.
Starting to walk, Lily felt him let go of her arm and she turned her head to look at him. She smiled, taking his hand and beginning to walk out of the hall. They needed to get out, to get away and talk. To not have prying eyes as they shared their fears with each other. She squeezed his hand, shrugging her shoulders slightly.
"Where do you feel most comfortable?"
He was quite surprised that she accepted his offered hand, and more surprised when she squeezed it comfortingly. He knew, of course, that Lily had his best interests at heart, she always did. That was the one difference between his friendship with the Marauders and his friendship with her. James and Sirius and Peter were wonderful, they had done everything for him, but...they were all overly focused on themselves, Quidditch, and the girls who thought they were idiots. They of course cared intensely for him, and that was the one time of the month, those twelve times a year, when Remus thought they cared for someone else, genuinely. But Lily wasn't like that. She cared for everyone, all the time.
Remus returned the shrug. "It doesn't matter to me. The castle is the same as always. Anywhere quiet, you know me."
Lily held her books close to her chest, looking up at him as they walked. She always felt a strange sense of peace when she was with him, like he was the closest person to her who understood how she felt. Even though him and Lily were different, completely different, there were feelings about family and life that seemed to be the same. The fear was returned. But both seemed to be there, willing to help the other through whatever was going on.
Lily thought silently for a moment, "We could walk around the lake? Or go to the library," She shrugged, knowing that the latter would have a few more people around than thy probably needed. "Or the astronomy tower? I'm guessing that's pretty quiet in the day."
Remus's solemn face quirked into a smile at her snide comment about the Tower. He even laughed quietly. "I'm guessing it is," he agreed. "But I've gotten enough of it during the nights of patrol." He brushed hair out of his eyes again and looked down at her. "I think the lake might do us some good."
He cocked his head to the side, looking at her. "I mean...if that's okay with you, Lily," he said, his voice getting quieter, as if he once again remembered why they were leaving to be alone. Because they were the only ones who seemed to understand each other in the moment. They were the only ones...of course they weren't, but it by far seemed as if they were.
Lily found herself grinning slightly at his laugh, rolling her eyes as she looked up to meet his. "I can totally understand that." She whispered, nodding her head. "It's peaceful out there, I think it would do just perfectly."
She didn't want to be with anybody else at that moment in time, Remus was the one she knew she had to be there for. He was the one person who seemed like he trusted Lily completely, with his secrets and everything, well most things. But that was understandable, she wasn't upset about that at all. But nobody seemed to have as much trust and faith in her as he did.
While Lily was thinking that about him, he was thinking very similarly about her. But he also felt quite guilty. She always told him that he could trust her, and he did. He trusted her more than he trusted his friends, his roommates...yet they were the ones that knew his largest, darkest secret.
The funny thing was...he seemed like the last person to have any kind of dark alter ego. Sometimes, he looked at the wolf inside of him as a serial killer. He wouldn't remember anything from the night, he wouldn't have done anything bad on purpose...but he couldn't prevent it from happening. He was judged purely on the monster, not on who he was as a person. It was his cowardice that kept it inside, hidden from Lily.
In a way, Remus saw himself as weak, weak in Lily's eyes. He also saw himself as rather selfish. The real reason he hadn't told her about him? Well, he'd tried to convince himself otherwise, of course, but wasn't it because he loved her so? But not because he wanted to protect her. It was because he wanted to spend as much time in her presence as he could before she learned the terrible, disgusting truth about him.
Remus Lupin was nothing more than a monster.
Lily's thoughts seemed to drag on in her head, especially as she tried to work out what was going on. Why did she trust Remus so much? It hadn't seemed to be a decision she had made, he just made her feel so comfortable. So normal. So…Lily.
She breathed in softly, stopping near a big oak tree and closing her eyes. She hadn't realised until that moment that she was still holding Remus' hand, but she made no attempt to pull it away. She didn't want, or need, to. It brought some comfort, following the stories of people losing the ones they cared about and the fear that it could too easily happen to one of them.
She didn't want to lose Remus, in more than one way. She didn't want to lose him physically, something inside her made that thought unbearable. Pain shot slightly through her head, almost like it was trying to force the thought out of her mind physically. No…no, she couldn't lose her friend like that. But also, in the way he was. She knew if something happened to his family, or if something happened to the marauders…well Remus would be different. It was inevitable. Just like she would have been if it happened to her. Lily broke out of her thoughts as she breathed out, glancing up at him. "What are you thinking about?" It seemed the stupidest question she could have asked, but Lily wanted to know.
Remus turned his amber orbs toward her than rather that staring at the dew on the blades of grass as he'd been doing. He had no intention of telling her what exactly he was thinking about. He wanted to punch himself again for being weak, but of course...that would put Lily off slightly, wouldn't it? She'd worry for his sanity. And worrying for someone's mental well-being? Well, that would put a girl of liking someone, of course. And Remus didn't know if he could take that.
He was already too much of a coward in his family's eyes, as well as in his own. He probably couldn't stand it if his friends, if everyone at school, saw the small, whining, scared, coward instead of the strong and confident scholar. It may not have been a mask he hid behind, but it was now how he was defined.
So he answered her in the way he answered every question asked. "Nothing," he muttered dully, sinking to the ground, not caring if his robes got grass-stained or wet, if only for once. His bag slid off his shoulder and fell to the ground beside him.
Remus's hair fell into his face, and as he ran his hands through he honey-brown mess, he dissolved into the tears he'd been holding back for months. Ever since he'd found out who it was that had cursed him; the true monster that had bitten him; the monster he was sure to become.
Lily's eyes became locked with Remus' for a few moments as he looked up at her. She tried to smile, wanting to put some hope into him, to show that she cared and she'd do everything she could to get him through this, but honestly? Lily knew it wasn't that easy. She knew because it wasn't that easy for her. The confusion and the pain and the…fear. The fear was too much.
Lily really would do everything in her power to help her friend through this time, but she knew it would be nowhere near enough. How could she hold him up when she herself felt squashed against the floor? The fear gluing her to it as she heard and read more and more about what was going on outside Hogwarts; about the world they would soon have to enter and face themselves.
Once again, Lily's thoughts were shattered as she found Remus on the ground, her eyes full of guilt and helplessness as she fixed them on him. It was a few moments before she noticed his tears, before she realised that he seemed to have let go of whatever was holding him back in the hall. Lily's books thudded to the ground just before she dropped to her knees besides him. She hadn't even noticed them falling, she was too focused on settling herself next to him and wrapping an arm around his waist, her spare hand catching one of his.
Remus barely registered the fact that there was someone else besides him, out by the lonely, deserted, lake. Everyone was too scared to even enjoy themselves outside. Not yet midday, the crisp, cool morning air was still upon them. Shielded in the comfort that Hogwarts gave him, he leaned the back of his head against the oak tree, his too-thin, scarred body trembling.
Yet, he wasn't alone. Because how else could he explain the warm, inviting arm that had found its way around his waist, or the hand that had caught his weak palm that had fallen from his messily tousled hair? Tears leaked out of his amber orbs, and he forced himself to look up again.
Even through his blurred vision, he knew who it was. There was only one person at Hogwarts he knew with red hair, and there was no denying the sadness in the sparkle of the almond-shaped emeralds. "Lily," he said hoarsely, his voice too weak, almost too weak to be heard at all. He leant into her embrace, too tired and uncaring to put up any fight about how she shouldn't be wasting her time with a pathetic excuse for a beast like him. "Lily, there's...s-something I've got to tell...y-y-you..." He hiccupped, and hoped, if only for a moment, that he could take it all back, that she hadn't heard him.
But things couldn't go back to the way they were before. Not now, and not ever. And he had to be honest...completely honest...with her before it was too late.
Lily had never seen anybody in the state Remus was right now, and it scared her. Fear nestling itself into every available space in her mind, her heart and quite possibly forcing its way into her soul. Her whole being was captured by this feeling, but the only thing she wanted to do was what she was doing right now. At this moment in time.
Remus' hand was warm as she grasped hers around it, the shaking of his hand causing hers to tremble as she gripped onto it. Holding on with all of her strength, all of her being. As she glanced up, she caught the gaze of his deep amber eyes, her greens ones registering the tears in his eyes almost instantly. She moved her hand up from his waist towards his face, but she stopped.
Lily broke her eyes away from his to glance down at her hand, her eyes quickly looking back up at him. 'No.' She said in her head, lowering it onto the shoulder furthest away from her and holding him against her. He needed to cry. The way they were pouring, she knew he must have held it in for a long time, and he needed the freedom to express his emotions. Lily was just pleased it was in her company, not somebody who would have reacted in the wrong way.
"I'm here.." was all Lily could whisper out to him, her hand gently rubbing and squeezing his shoulder gently. She looked at him, her gaze lingering as she waited. If he wanted to tell her something, Lily was ready to listen. She always had been for all her friends, especially the ones who cared as much for her too like Remus had done.
Remus vaguely felt a comforting hand squeeze his shoulder, and he almost flinched. It felt like the way his mother had always comforted him after a transformation. It felt...almost...like he was six years old again...like he may have been a monster, but it didn't matter. His mummy was there to make it all go away, make all the bad things go away...
He hugged closer to the figure that was Lily Evans, not caring that she /wasn't/ his mum, not caring that she knew virtually nothing about him. He, somewhere inside his addled, troubled mind, knew how she felt, knew how much she cared, and that was what his mind as well as his heart registered.
"I've l-lied t-to you, L-Lily," he wheezed out, still sobbing into her shoulder. Remus buried his face into the crook of her neck, trying his hardest to get terrible thoughts, dark thoughts, out of his mind. "I've not t-told y-you anyt-thing..."
Somewhere, the sensible part that was left inside Remus's broken body was surprised that Lily hadn't tried to get him to "man up," almost astonished that she was still holding him in the way she was, almost like she cared. Almost like she knew how he felt.
"I'm s'posed to be bad," he whimpered out, his body still trembling as Lily worked her way around his right shoulder. "They t-told me, I'm s'pos-s-ed...t-to be b-bad..."
Lily's heart ached at the sound of his voice, like his words were causing it to sink lower with each syllable. It was almost torture seeing this before her eyes. Remus was the friend who always had a smile for her, whose comforting words always reassured lily. Remus was the friend who spent time with her when she was doing what she actually loved. He was with Lily when she was able to be herself.
Lily's hand stayed on his arm, still rubbing gently onto his shoulder. His response to her showed Lily that she must have been helping in some way, even if it was just being there to let him cry. To hold him whilst he could let out what he was feeling, to express his emotions. Even the toughest of people had to do that.
As she felt his face against her neck Lily moved her hand up to the back of his head. Her fingers played softly with the soft messy hair that rested below her hand, her voice soft but shaky as she spoke. "Don't worry about it…" Leaning her head down against the top of his, "It really doesn't matter." Lily was shaken slightly by his words, biting onto her lip as she tried to compose the confusion. Part of her didn't even know what she was saying, she just wanted to do anything to bring him comfort, to ease the pain. His voice grated through her, shaking her more, but she knew she had to be stronger for him.
"But you don't have to be bad." Lily spoke soft once more as they rested together, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Remus had always been the one there for her. "You're a good person Remus," She reassured, "You're so good. I don't know what I'd do without you, I don't know anybody as good as you."
As they sat there Lily felt that they were in a world of their own, huddled together on the grass as they let go of all the front they put up. As prefects they were expected to be the strong ones, the leaders. The ones to remain calm in situations of trouble. But right now they weren't, right now they weren't under their labels. They were Remus and Lily. They were scared. They were hurting. "Who…who told you that you had to be bad?"
Remus seemed to gather himself a bit as he sat up a slight bit straighter, brushing honey-coloured hair from his amber eyes, tucking his legs under his arms, hugging the limbs to his chest. "They did," he said, as if trying to get her to understand. "The ones that made m-me like this..."
He had leaned up to look at her, struggling slightly, only then realising how much he needed, how much comfort he'd taken from Lily stroking his hair. He fell into position again, letting her play with the hair that rested there, to lay her head on top of his. He almost felt greedy, selfish, that he was taking this from her, that he was making her scared because of what he was telling her, but...
Remus couldn't hold the truth from her anymore. He couldn't. It was wrong, and it was cruel. He was better than that, and somewhere deep inside, he knew it.
"W-when I was f-five..." he said hoarsely, "My father enraged a bloke named Fenrir Greyback." Everyone had heard of Greyback, hadn't they? Lily had to be disgusted with him now...but he continued to speak. It seemed...that once he let it out, he couldn't stop. He had to let it all out. "One night...a full moon night...I thought I heard a dog...and t-thought if I f-found it, mum and dad would let me k-keep it." He scowled at his own stupidity. "Well, I found it. Except it w-wasn't...well, it w-wasn't a dog."
Remus drew his face away from the crook of Lily's neck, raising a hand to cup her cheek, as she had not yet drawn away from him. "I'm a werewolf, Lily, and I have been for ten years." His voice was surprisingly even, for someone who was telling his best friend a secret that would make her never speak to him again. "I've been lying to you about who I am...about what I am...ever since I met you. I'm a monster, and...Lily, I'm sorry..."
Lily moved herself slightly to sit up, her eyes connecting with his as he looked up at her. She was confused, but tried not to let it show too much on her face. The last thing she wanted to do was make him feel uncomfortable, not when he had something to tell her. Something which seemed to be plaguing him; something important.
She was just about to ask him a question when he fell back down against her, gently positioning herself back into the position she was before. Lily held him in her arms again, sliding her fingers back to run through his hair. Helping him through whatever he wanted to confess was the most pressing matter right now.
Lily listened silently, not even flinching as he spoke. As soon as he mentioned the full moon Lily knew what he was going to say. What else would it be if he started the story like that? Lily wasn't stupid, she had never known for sure but there was always something that made her notice the little things. His absence from prefect meetings and the paleness he returned with. But she had never truly accepted it in her mind. She always had doubts that the headmaster would allow it in school.
Lily cursed herself inside, angry with her own thoughts. Remus wasn't going to hurt anybody, and he wasn't reckless. She was sure he must have something in place.
Caught off from her thoughts, she looked up at him as he cupped her cheek, listening to the end of his words she paused for a few moments to make sure that he was finished. "Oh Remus." Lily breathed out, "I understand why you didn't tell me." Furrowing her brow at herself, Lily stayed frozen in the spot that she was. After a few moments she moved her hand from the back of his neck, resting it over the one that was on her cheek. "Remus, I'm so sorry." She whispered.
For what seemed like hours, he waited for Lily's response with bated breath. She said nothing, but he felt her hand relinquishing its hold on his neck, and that was an instant reaction for him to dash off, maybe even wipe her memory? Oh yes, the thought certainly occurred. But no, Remus told himself. Lily was too good. He cared too much for her. His heart was burning with the fact that he could never love her the way he wanted to...but maybe that was for the best?
But then something happened that he fully didn't expect. She rested her hand, the one she'd drawn away...she placed it on top of his, the one resting on his cheek. His breath caught as he heard her words. 'Remus, I'm so sorry,' were the words he heard. He looked up at her, his face still so pale, his eyes still red and puffy. "I...oh, Lily..." he rasped out, his eyes searching her.
Normally, what he would have said...was a long the lines of "I don't bloody want pity!" That was the first reaction he'd had when James, all those years ago, has said he was sorry for the condition he had to live with. For the curse. For the wolf. Remus briefly wondered what his life would've been like without the wolf. Maybe he'd have been just like James, carefree and brave, not quiet and bookish. He knew he'd always enjoyed reading, but...once he'd discovered pranking, would he have not been the same?
He shivered as wind blew through his hair, and he looked up, and it seemed as if he was avoiding her gaze. Though he wasn't. Remus closed his eyes, leaning against the tree. "Don't be sorry, Lily, please," he said quietly. "I don't want your pity, it's bad enough..." But his voice trailed off as he'd been about to say 'it's bad enough you'll never speak to me again.' Because he couldn't say that. She wasn't leaving. She was still there, she was still holding him.
The way Remus was looking now, his puffy eyes and the pale face, tugged at Lily's heart. She felt as though she was finally seeing into who Remus was, the heart of the person she had been practically best friends with for the past years at school. She knew he had the Marauders, but they had something. Him and Lily were friends just like the others were. Just differently.
Deep down she hoped that this wouldn't change their friendship, she didn't want to lose Remus. She didn't want him to start being awkward around her, to start avoiding her because she knew. Lily knew she could never begin to understand what he was going through, to understand what went through his head and his heart as his emotions raged. She didn't think she could ever understand what he felt towards the man who did this to him, but she knew her own feelings towards him. The anger and fury that started to settle in her mind during the few moments she let herself think about him.
Finally, Lily's eyes connected with his, her hand pushing in as she rested her head against his palm. "It wasn't pity." Lily said in her soft voice, just like she had spoken to him during the whole conversation. She moved herself to sit beside him properly again, but instead of putting her arm back around his shoulders, she nudged his side and curled her fingers around his arm softly. "I'm sorry that it's taken...t-that this had to happen for you to fe-feel like you could tell me."
Remus swallowed as she worked her fingers around his arm, her elbow slightly digging into his side. She smiled at him, and because he was now reassured that she wasn't leaving him, she wasn't walking away, he was able to smile back, though it was clear his feelings...his emotions...however weak he felt inside...it hadn't changed.
He leant back into the shade of the large oak tree, the crisp fall wind blowing his hair into his eyes. The amber orbs flicked to his left to watch Lily. It wasn't pity, she'd said. Remus repeated that to himself, and with the words running themselves through his head, he allowed himself another small, lopsided smile. 'It wasn't pity. It wasn't pity...'
But at what she said next, Remus crinkled his eyebrows and turned to face her. "I want to believe you, Lily," he said softly, finally. He shivered as the wind blew across his face again. "You really don't think I'm a monster?"
His mind focused again on Fenrir Greyback. He'd met him over the previous summer, at Diagon Alley, of all places. 'You'll learn your place, boy...some day very, very soon, I swear you that,' the rancid breath had growled out. Remus was still reduced to fear and shivering at the memory of the voice and the animalistic qualities that werewolf seemed to hold in his human form. Was that who he would become? How much more time would he have to live like a human, before the beast would fully take him over?
"I'm not ready," he whispered, his voice shaky. "I'm not ready to give this up..."
Lily's smile grew slowly as she saw him returning her smile. She knew that it wasn't everything, but it was a start. A sign of hope, a sign that everything might be okay. A sign that she was helping him. She squeezed his arm gently, looking back at him.
"Of course I don't think you're a monster." She told him straight away, raising an eyebrow in his direction. "And I know that you know you're not. You know who you actually are." She raised her hand softly, wiping the tears from his cheek. "The tears aren't about that, they're about fear... right?" She whispered to him.
As his eyes connected with hers, she became shook slightly. Her body stiffening as she looked at the amber eyes he possessed. There was something that drew her in and in that moment she felt a connection to him like she hadn't before.
Lily had to draw her eyes away, moving herself back against the oak tree to look out ahead of them. "You're a good person Remus," she told him, poking his chest gently as she leant her head onto his shoulder. "In here." The feeling disappeared as she stopped her eyes looking at him. "What are you not ready to give up?"
As he felt her body tense up and move away, a flash of fear went through Remus's mind again. She was going to leave him out here. She was going to run up to the castle, now that she'd seen the feral glint in his eyes. His eyes used to hold such solace for her...and now she was going to avoid him. But...well, that wasn't quite right, was it? No, she was there...
In fact, she was resting her head on his shoulder, even teasing him lightly as she always had. Was she determined to ignore the...rather...furry part of him? Would they be friends, as they always had? Would this...furry little problem change anything?
"This," he whispered back, resting his head lightly above hers. Remus was uncertain whether or not he should...Lily seemed uncomfortable with him already...but...they were friends, right? That wouldn't ever change. And friends could do this...right? "I'm scared to surrender my humanity..." He stared out into the distance, watching the ripples on the lake, sighing as he thought he might've seen the Giant Squid just under it. "I can't...I can't give up this...not you...not the others...Lily..."
Lily kept her eyes closed as she felt his head against hers, a soft uncertain sigh leaving her lips. Curling her legs up sideways and underneath her she bit on her lip gently. "Then don't." Lily whispered, her arm finding its way around his waist softly.
She had never felt more comfortable, but spending time with her friend made the pain seem slightly worthwhile. This thought shook Lily, she couldn't believe she was trying to justify having these feelings by /that/.
"This is who you are Remus, this person. My friend. You." She smiled gently as her eyes opened slowly to look out over the lake. "You don't need to give us up Remus, We're all here. In no circumstance would you ever have to give up on us."
Remus felt another tingle shoot up his spine as her arm wound around his waist, but he accepted her comfort gratefully, his arm unconsciously winding around her shoulders. "Thank you," he whispered back. "Thank you..."
But he couldn't exactly say what he was thankful for. Lily just had this effect on him...he couldn't exactly describe it. But she calmed the beast inside of him...she made him feel normal. Her emerald eyes mesmerized him, and the scarlet of her hair made his heart speed up. He knew it was wrong to have feelings for her, but he couldn't help it. He knew what drew James to her, and he wanted to hit himself for falling for the same charms. But maybe it was the fact that she didn't even know what she was doing to them. She hadn't flaunted her beauty, it was just there. And that was what drew Remus in. She was kind, accepting...and...here was the proof. She knew, now...what kind of creature he was.
But here they were...watching the trees blow in the wind, and the glistening of the sun upon the lake. "I hope so," he murmured back. "I just hope...I haven't been fooling myself as much."
Lily shook her head softly, glancing up at him for a few seconds. "There's no need to thank me." Lily smiled softly, her head leaning back down onto his shoulder. She couldn't understand exactly why he was thankful, but she shrugged it off almost as quickly.
Lily didn't do any of this for thanks, she wasn't there just to receive his gratitude actually. She was there because it was Remus. Remus showed him her weakness and that was why Lily was there. Nobody had ever shared this much trust in her and it made Lily just want to care for him more. To share more with him.
"I get scared too, Remus." She whispered, "About who I am." Her voice was soft as she closed her eyes once again.
Remus's heart warmed at her quiet, gentle words, and he sighed heavily. He knew this moment wouldn't last forever, but to him that didn't matter. It didn't matter that one day, they would have to choose a side. One day, they might run into battle with your friends, and come out with none. It didn't matter that there was fear in the air, because as long as they had each other, he knew that they would never be alone.
He, of course, couldn't predict the future.
Remus Lupin didn't know that he would lose Lily sooner than he thought, and for more than one reason. He had no idea that she would, for some reason beyond his what reason his mind held, fall in love and marry James Potter. He would lose her to love, lose her to death. Lose her to Voldemort. Lose her for the greater good.
But for now, he wouldn't take chances. He wouldn't waste time, and he wouldn't dare miss a moment. Because this was how he held onto his humanity, and he was sure he would live to see a better day, or he would die fighting for one.
Fin.
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Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it.
Depending on the amount of reviews I get, I may post the makeshift sequel.
Thanks,
TRL