Thanks to solrosan for contributing several of the jokes, and dogsbody32 for listening to me complain about this for ... uh ... too long, as always.
The timeline on this is SUPER JOSSED! The original premise started as a cracky explanation for Maria Hill's absence from CA:CW, considering how prominently she was involved in the comics version of that plot, but I actually started writing this on the implications of the credits scene of Doctor Strange. Therefore, this is not particularly canon-compliant with Thor: Ragnarok, or anything released after.
This takes place in the run-up to CA:CW — so, around spring 2016 — and all dates should be understood relative to then, or relative to summer 2017 when I was writing this. For the most part the story should be understandable without having read Missed Calls 1 & 2, but there are some running jokes.
This is Maria Hill, director of the Sokovian Homeland Integration and Emigration Legal Department, UN internal switchboard extension 946430. I am currently unable to take your call. You may leave a message after the tone. If it's urgent, please contact your direct supervisor. If you need immediate help, please call 9-1-1 or your local equivalent. As a reminder, we are not an emergency response agency, nor do we hold any authority over the Avengers. Thank you for your time. Good day. Для обслуживания на соковском языке, нажмите два.
Internal SI Extension
Hi Maria, this is Pepper. I know you've got most of the lawyers on the Eastern seaboard all booked up dealing with SHIELD's assets, but do you think you could send me a few? There's some crackpot lifestyle company trying to sell, uh, alternative feminine hygiene products under the Stark Industries name, and I need to shut them down before Tony gets a hold of it. I think they're the ones that were cold-calling everyone in the New York metropolitan area about lemon wash a few years back. Dear God, are people actually putting their stuff up their — right, I have to go now but give me a call back when you can, thanks!
[beep]
Department of State, Washington DC
Hill, I'm resigning as Secretary of State. We haven't announced this publicly yet, but I thought you should know first. We've had some good times together, and some bad times … mostly bad times … and you know what? I've had enough. I'm done. We'll always have Canada, but I'm resigning next week. Good luck with the new guy, I just can't wait to see how you get along with him. He's really a fan of you and your work. [Laughter] For the last time, Talbot out.
[beep]
Internal Stark Tower number (Tony Stark)
Hill, why are you still at the UN? What are you even doing over there, anyway? On that pathetic shoestring budget they're giving you? Yes, I've seen it! I'll double it. Triple it, even! Just come back to Stark Industries! We saved your office for you, and you can have JARVIS do all your paperwork again. Seriously, Hill. Don't you miss the view, and the coffee, and the stock options, and the health insurance benefits? Don't you miss … me?
[beep]
Department of State, Washington DC
Director Hill, this is General Ross — I'm the president's nominee for Secretary of State. I look forward to working with you for the benefit of this country, and the world. Speaking of which, have you spoken to Captain Rogers recently? I've been trying to schedule a meeting with him, but he keeps missing my calls. And do you know if he's ever read any Kant, Hobbes, or Weber? We're trying to draw up some talking points. Thanks. Ross out.
[beep]
Norwegian Embassy (New York City)
My lady Hill! My brother and I have returned to Midgard. Grave matters are afoot across all the Realms, and I seek your counsel. I am told that one Doctor, son of Strange, is the Sorcerer Supreme of this world. Heimdall told us he resides in this city, but he has hidden himself with the mystic arts. You were with SHIELD once; do you know where we may find this man? We thank you for your guidance!
[beep]
Department of State, Washington DC
Director Hill, before you say that you don't work for SHIELD any more, you should take a look at your business cards. Your organization still spells out SHIELD, in case you hadn't noticed. Seriously, could you get Rogers to read that copy of Crime and Punishment I Fedex'ed over to him, and then have him call me back? Ross out.
[beep]
Telephone booth (Times Square)
My lady Hill! I did not know you knew this Sorcerer so well! Truly it is fortunate that I sought you out. I would be delighted to have you join us at our meeting. We are in your Times Square today to observe your theater, as my brother is tragically lacking in refinement in that respect. Fear not that my brother will run amok on this world; I would not have brought him here if the circumstances did not warrant it. Until our next meeting!
[beep]
Flowers and Gardens Undertakers
Ms. Hill, we're calling to confirm your scheduled consultation with us next week. We're very excited to discuss our range of funeral options for the discerning customer's every need, and of course Flowers and Gardens prides ourselves on our flexibility and discretion. We're confident we'll be of service to you.
[beep]
Department of State, Washington DC
Director Hill, thank you for the laughs. Your assertion that your organization's name spells out UN-SHIELD to indicate it's not SHIELD was the funniest thing I've heard all week. But seriously, please call me back. We're very close to finalizing a deal with the UN, which I'm sure you know already, and we really need to get Rogers and the rest of the Avengers on board beforehand. SHIELD did teach him how to use a non-rotary phone, right? I'm starting to wonder if he's blocked my number, since he doesn't seem to be receiving any of my messages. Maybe he's too busy with his assigned reading?
[beep]
New Avengers Facility, Westchester (Rogers)
Director Hill, I would just like to point out that we did have Dostoevsky before I went into the ice. We had to read Crime and Punishment in school. I didn't enjoy it much then, and I still don't enjoy it now. Do you know why Secretary Ross keeps calling me to ask me about it? Seriously, doesn't he have anything better to do?
[beep]
Flowers and Gardens Undertakers
Code Green on Operation American Idiot confirmed. I repeat, Code Green. Next phase currently scheduled for October.
[beep]
Elysian Fields Wildlife Sanctuary
Ms. Hill, my name is Darcy Lewis, one of the volunteers at the Elysian Fields Wildlife Sanctuary. On behalf of all of us here, I want to thank you for your very generous donation to the bald eagle preservation program. As a gesture of appreciation, we'd like to invite you and a guest to come visit us on site for an up-close look at these majestic birds. We hope you'll enjoy seeing what use your donation will be put to. Please call us back at this number to make the arrangements. Thank you again!
[beep]
Norwegian Consulate (New York City)
My lady Hill! I am overjoyed that you and your companion, the mighty sorcerer, will join my brother and I on our quest. Together will we journey into mystery and the far reaches of the universe until we find my father and the lost Stone, or our Doom should take us. Give Stephen my greetings. Until we meet anon!
[beep]
Mauna Kea Observatory, Hawaii
Hi Maria, this is Jane Foster. A big buff bird told me that you're going to be out questing together. Have fun! If I give you some of my instruments, do you think you could bring them along and take some measurements for me? I wish I could come, but I'm scheduled to give the keynote at the American Astronomical Society conference. And, wait, never mind — Loki's coming along too, isn't he. Ugh. Punch him in the face for me, will you?
[beep]
Private New York number
This is Christine Everhart with Vanity Fair. Ms. Hill, what do you say to rumors that you are now fighting for your life after a freak attack by a bald eagle during a visit to a wildlife sanctuary?!
[beep]
Flowers and Gardens Undertakers
Now that Operation American Idiot is officially underway, we'd like to take a moment to review your options with you. We recommend you take a moment to consider your legal and financial situation to account for any irregularities that may arise from your recent change in status. Flowers and Gardens is pleased to offer discounted rates with a variety of specialist services, including lawyers, storage solutions, accountants, and actuaries. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to make this difficult and delicate time any easier.
[beep]
Elysian Fields Wildlife Sanctuary
Ms. Hill, I'm Darcy Lewis, from the Elysian Fields Wildlife Sanctuary. All of us here are so, so sorry about what happened during your visit today! Don Henley is usually a very well-behaved bird, we really don't now what came over him. Um, we will, of course, cover all your medical care just please-don't-sue-us; thanks to our generous donors — wait. Wait, that was you who sent in that check — oh. Oh. OH. I see how it is now …
[beep]
Norwegian Consulate (New York City)
My lady Hill! I was much grieved to hear of your unfortunate encounter with the claws of a foul raptor. You are strong and mighty in battle — though it seems this fowl was mightier — and I will pray for your swift recovery. The very fate of the Nine Worlds may rest upon our quest to find my father and the lost Stones.
[beep]
Internal Stark Tower number (Tony Stark)
Hill, what the hell were you even doing at a wildlife sanctuary? Never mind losing a fight with a bird? Don't you have a job you're supposed to be doing at the UN? Not that they make it easy for you since they still make you use this antiquated voicemail system. I had to hack three phone trees to get to you now. At least they aren't running Oracle software like SHIELD was, though, their custom SAP solution is almost decent. Anyway. Just let me know if you want to come back to Stark Industries. Or if you want a communications system from, you know, this century. I promise there aren't any rampaging birds around here now that Hawkeye's gone.
[beep]
Personal landline (New York City)
Hi Maria, this is your cousin Robin. Thanks again for your heads-up on this whole business — I got the jump on Christine Everhart and now I have dibs on reporting on this whole story. I can't believe she tried calling you to ask for comment — you're supposed to be in a coma in the hospital! That's Christine for you. Anyway, I've faxed over a draft of your obituary for you and your people to take a look at. Just let me know if there's anything you want me to change. Good luck! And if you could give me a heads-up when you're ready to come back to life, that would be great too. Gotta get your scoops where you can!
[beep]
Burner phone (New York City)
You picked a hell of a moment to take some personal time, but under the circumstances, I can't blame you. Well, I'm back in town again, so I'll keep an eye on things around here, say hello to some old friends, the usual. Go do what you need to, and good luck. Fury out.
[beep]
Department of State, Washington DC
Hill, this is Secretary Ross. I know you're not dead. And you know I know you're not dead. And I know you know I know you're not dead. I'll hold a séance if I have to, but I need a consult. You can call me back any day now. I'm sure there's cell service in hell.
[beep]
Norwegian Consulate (New York City)
My lady Hill! I was much grieved to hear of your passing, but I rejoice now that you have surely joined the warriors of your folk in the great halls of Valhalla! Keen was your eye and steady your hand, and many the battles you fought, but now it is your time to feast and make merry. I will fight alongside our old comrades to protect this world through the dark times that approach, and when we have defeated our enemies, we will remember your name and raise a horn in your honor. To you, my lady Hill! [sloshing noises]
[beep]
Hill, what do you hope to achieve with this tragically transparent scheme? As someone with considerable experience in playing dead, I must tell you that my self-styled brother is not reacting well. He is deep in his cups now, and that does not look to change before the next week. Were we not supposed to 'journey into mystery and the far reaches of the universe', et cetera, or do you no longer care about the threats approaching your pathetic planet? You really should have let me conquer this place. At least I would have done it with a little more style.
[beep]
Personal New York landline
Ms. Hill, it's me, Darcy Lewis. I just wanted to remind you that I do have a humanities degree. If you want your memoirs ghostwritten — ooh, ghostwritten, pun totally intended — I'm your girl. Just saying!
[beep]
Unlisted Iowa Phone Number
Hey, this is Barton. We heard through the grapevine that you're kicking the bucket for a bit. Let me know if you need a place to lay low for a while— it's a tight fit around here with Nathaniel, but we can probably find some room for you. Least we can do, really.
[beep]
New Avengers Facility, Westchester (Romanoff)
Natasha calling. Don't listen to Clint, he just wants some help with the babysitting. Those kids are adorable, but they're a handful. If you knew how many diapers I've changed when I was visiting — yeah, I'd stay out of the area if I were you. Anyway, I'll keep you updated on Project Popsicle while you're out.
[beep]
Norwegian Consulate (New York City)
My lady Hill! I am very relieved to hear that you are still among us! Truly, this is —hic!— a cunning deception worthy of my brother. The coming battles will be easier with you here. We must celebrate your recovery —hic!— before we set forth!
[beep]
Untraceable international phone number
So you've finally decided to join us on the dead side of the fence? Took you long enough! Izzy and I would love to see you if you'll be anywhere near the South Pacific in the future. We can give you the rundown on where all the best spas are around here. There's this one place that does this sea salt banana leaf massage and it's to die for. Totally worth faking your death for, I mean. Hope to see you soon!
[beep]
Dickey, Fuller, and Associates
Ms. Hill, you were referred to us at Dickey, Fuller, and Associates by Flowers and Gardens due to the complexities of your current legal situation. We strongly urge you call us for a consultation. As you are such a prominent public figure, as responsible members of society we have a duty to reveal the rumors of your demise as unfounded… unless, of course, an attorney-client relationship were formed, in which case we would naturally maintain secrecy. We look forward to the resumption of our professional relationship.
[beep]
Internal Stark Tower number (Tony Stark)
Hill, wait, are you actually dead? You can't be dead! Who's going to keep this whole circus running if you're gone? Who's going to deal with Ross and the Avengers and the UN and the Accords negotiations? Never mind all that, who's going to deal with all the lawyers?! For fuck's sake, I refuse to believe that you died in a rogue bald eagle attack. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and I know what happened to Fury's toupées. Call me back or they're getting auctioned off with the next batch of SHIELD memorabilia… you might even say there'll be hell toupée.
[beep]
Dickey, Fuller, and Associates
Ms. Hill, after some consideration, we have come to the conclusion that your deceased status cannot be doubted. As such, if you have any method of communicating with the equally deceased Colonel Fury beyond the veil, could you please ask him to stop haunting our offices? We've called in four priests, a medium, two psychics, two exorcists, and a sorcerer, but Fury's ghost seems strangely unwilling to let go of past grievances and move into the next life. To help you in your own transition, we have taken the liberty of closing your account with us. We sincerely hope to never hear from you again.
[beep]
Burner phone (New York City)
Really, Hill? I've taken care of it, but this is the shit you're making me deal with?
[beep]
Internal Stark Tower number (Tony Stark)
I see how it is, Hill. Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. You went out in such an undignified way that we've got to make up for it somehow. I've got those proposals for Fury's funeral that got rejected, remember, but I'm thinking we should punch it up a bit. You'll have a state funeral, of course, full honors, but instead of a 21-gun salute you should have fireworks or… a 21-suit-salute! I've definitely got more than 21 of them lying around. Or we could make like Thor and have a Viking funeral. I'll mock up a miniature Helicarrier to burn … or how about three Insight carriers, in commemoration of that time SHIELD turned out to be full of Hydra? I'll set up an ouija board and you just let me know.
[beep]
Internal SI Extension
Maria, in case you're listening, this is Pepper. I'm sorry you had to hear all that from Tony — he really is rather… overwrought, shall we say. It's been a difficult time for him, especially with Ross breathing down all of our necks. Was the restraining order really necessary, though? Isn't being in a, uh, different plane of existence enough? I can hardly believe it myself — with you and Phil gone, this is really the end of an era. Say hello to him for me, will you? All my best, Pepper.
[beep]
Canadian embassy
Ms. Hill, we at the Canadian embassy in Washington, DC would like to offer our condolences on recent events, as well as any assistance you might need as you move into a new and unprecedented phase of your life. Unlife? Anyway, we have received your request that we handle all the details of your memorial services and are happy to oblige. However, are you entirely sure you want such a minimalist ceremony? Our events budget could certainly stretch to a tasteful flyover of fighter jets, at least. Come on, live a little! … As much as you can under the circumstances, I mean.
[beep]
Ms. Hill, we most certainly definitely have not been in touch with Mr. Stark. Why do you ask?
[beep]
Personal landline (Canada)
Maria Eglantine Hill! I can't believe I had to learn about your death from the news! Couldn't you have told your mother yourself? This would never have happened back in my day. Anyway, I still expect to see you at Thanksgiving dinner. You should be extra available since you're no longer shackled to the responsibilities of the living. And I hope you and that doctor of yours are working on my grandchildren. I'm not getting any younger… and you're not getting any older now, either. Perfect for children!
[beep]
Call Center Number
Do you find yourself lingering on this plane and struggling to move on? Our Lemon Wash can help you let go of the morphogenetic fields of quantum energy binding you here. Just because your mortal shell is buried in the dust and dirt of this plane doesn't mean that your immortal soul has to be the same! Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all, and now that you've passed, you need all the spiritual cleanliness and astral rejuvenation you can get. We can give you a special discount this week while Jupiter is still in the seventh house. Just call us back at 1-800-CAR-PETS for a free consultation with one of our psychics before it's too late!
[beep]
New Avengers Facility, Westchester (Rogers)
Director Hill, ma'am. I was really sorry to hear what happened. I like to imagine you're looking down at us from a better place now. I wish you were still here now, I'm in a bit of a pickle and I don't know what to do about it.
[beep]
…
[beep]
How do you tell your friend and coworker that his parents, who we thought died of accidental causes, were actually killed by your best friend, who we thought was dead but was actually brainwashed into a seasonally-themed Soviet cyborg assassin? And instead of telling him right when you found out, instead you sat on the news for years, which will inevitably stress your personal and professional relationship when he does find out, since he's a former member and the current main financial backer of the independent vigilante team you run? How do I say this? Is there a card for this situation? You always gave the best advice… Is there any way you could give me a sign from wherever you are now?
[beep]
Flowers and Gardens Undertakers
Ms. Hill, we're calling to confirm that Operation American Idiot is now complete, and Operation Evanescence has been pushed back another ten months. You're now tentatively scheduled for May 2018, but we might have an opening for you in November if you'd like to move things up. Just let us know if your plans change, and enjoy your time off!
Please see the AO3 version of this story for author's notes with links, but broadly:
- I've been sitting on a mostly-completed draft since ~November 2017. I was finally motivated to kick it out the door not by the multiple MCU movie releases since then, but by the IRL "resignation" of the US Secretary of State in March 2018. On that note, please forgive all the handwaving of UN politics/treaty negotiations in here (though unlike CA:CW, at least I'm acknowledging it!)
- Crime and Punishment is only broadly thematically relevant (see "extraordinary man"), but the title alone makes it worth the namedrop. Otherwise: Kant (categorical imperative), Hobbes ("nasty, brutish, and short"), Weber (monopoly on legitimate force). Where's Darcy Lewis, political scientist, when you need her?
- Green Day has a song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" on their album American Idiot. Evanescence did "Bring Me To Life". Don Henley was a member of the band The Eagles.
- I stopped watching Agents of SHIELD past season 2, so I have no idea what Coulson's up to these days. Apparently Talbot, unlike Hill, has actually kicked the bucket? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- I actually looked up what enterprise software the UN is running (it's not Oracle). I think my real Tony Stark OTP is Tony/good IT practices...
- Fury's toupees are also a running joke for me now (see my fic "Bad Hair Day").
- The "Sokovian" voicemail greeting was cobbled together from Google Translate and three semesters of college Russian. Any errors (evidently "обслуживания" is closer to "maintenance" than "service"?) should be ascribed to the fact that this is a different Slavic language and definitely not Russian. Though I will take corrections :P (Possibly I should have used Serbian as a standin for Sokovian instead, since apparently they were using Serbian Cyrillic in AOU?)