Early on a Saturday morning, while all other band members, what he assumed, were still sleeping; the should be asleep Big Bang leader was leisurely driving to the YG studio. It was early, too early for his liking actually but he's had much difficulty sleeping these past few months, as a result of the work load he assumed. Something's been eating at him too but stress had never done anything like this to him before so he had nothing to compare the feeling too, kind of like exhaustion and tiredness all the time and at night he couldn't shut his mind down to sleep. Essentially he was wound up all the time but with a constant strange tightened feeling in his stomach. But he brushed it all aside; he was Big Bang's leader and had to be strong for all of them. He wouldn't let it get to him! Or at least he tried. He really did.

Kwan Jiyong, otherwise known as G Dragon stepped out of his Lamborghini at the YG studio lot and instantly notices with relief that there was only one other car, he would not be bothered by anyone, had anyone been watching they would have seen him visibly relax. 'Thank god' the leader thought.

Jiyong had intended on going into the studio to attempt composing some songs for Big Bang's comeback, he always wrote his emotions into his songs and thought it would be a great idea to get there early and make a start without any distractions. However once he stepped through the threshold of the studio he had second thoughts. 'maybe I shouldn't do this without them' 'them' being his band mates , Lee Seung-hyun known as Seungri, Dong Youngbae known as Taeyang, Kang Daesung simply known as Daesung and Choi Seung-hyun know as TOP, or Bingu depending on his mood.

'TOP…' Jiyong hummed at the thought of his hyung. '..urh not this shit again! Snap out of it!' Jiyong snapped at himself mentally, genuinely pissed at his wayward thoughts.

Jiyong can't remember when he started thinking about his hyung often or why he cared so much about what the older thought; he hadn't yet made the connection from these thoughts to his anxious feelings but whenever he would think about TOP he physically felt better, like his stomach muscles would relax and his thoughts would calm down too.

When he thought about composing some more it occurred to him that since he's feeling really shitty that maybe it would transfer to his songs, he'd never want to jeopardise Big Bang and only wants the best for them so he decided otherwise. "For fuck sake! I got up this damn early for nothing!" came absentmindedly from the leader who now wishes he's thought about this more earlier. Well there was no point wasting this time he thought so he decided to go to the gym, of course YG had its own gym, fully equipped and with personal trainers available, well at reasonable hours that is.

The leader made his way through the large and modern building to the gym, it doesn't matter whether it was an unplanned visit because they had lockers with gym clothes and showers, all YG artists had these facilities available at all times.

Upon arriving at the locker room he quickly changed into his sweat pants and shirt, making sure it had long sleeves and started to stretch, he knew how bad it could be if you didn't stretch properly. Last time he went full force at the gym to let out some stress he couldn't move the next day and had his band mates wait on him all day while he was bed ridden, he smiles at the thought of Youngbae bringing him coffee because he was cold and couldn't move, he can be so motherly sometimes.

That thought cheered him up a little and with a pang of guilt in his chest it reminded him that he needs to stay healthy for them all. With that walked into the gym and chose the treadmill to work out on for a while and he let loose. He loved the feeling it gave him, he'd spent 20 minutes warming up on a medium pace but for the last 15 minutes he's let out all his worries and frustrations, his heart was pumping so hard that you could see it through his shirt that was sticking to him because of the sweat, in fact his entire body was slick with sweat, it was dripping from both temples and off his nose.

He hopped off the machine and immediately slouched forward with his hands stabilizing him on his knees, he had a towel around his shoulders that he used to wipe his face, he was buggered but still he wanted, no, needed to push himself harder. He stood up heart rate and blood still pumping and not wanting to lose his endorphin high his eyes scanned the facility for his next target. He still needed more, he still felt horrible, and he needed to work it off.

While he was scanning the room for the next machine he saw the boxing bag, perfect he thought. It's exactly what he needed. He padded over to the cupboard that stored the gloves he needed to keep his knuckles and wrists safe from the beating he was about to put them through. He sifted through it until he found what he wanted, black Everlast gloves in his size. He took them out and was about to put them when someone behind him scared the snot out of him.

"Mr Kwon, I'm glad to see you here. You've been avoiding me." The man stated as a matter of fact, but with a playful smile on his face. This man was one of the YG personal physicians, and in particular, Big Bang's Personal physician who was in charge of making sure all 5 men were mentally and physically healthy.

"Hello Dr Tatum, yes I have and I'm sorry" was all he could respond with after being startled like that. 'That explains the one car in the lot' he thought annoyingly.

"I know you're busy so I won't take too much time but while I have you here, I'd like to give you a once over, I'm being payed you keep you healthy after all." came from the good mannered doctor who really does like Jiyong.

"Dr I don't think now's a g.."

"No buts. Please sir it'll be quick"

Jiyong gave in and the doctor noticed the horror in his charges face, he'd need get to the bottom of that.

The doctor led Jiyong back to the locker where he had conveniently left his things. He sat the leader down on a bench and just ran through a small list of things he wanted to check today, temperature, heart rate, blood pressure and reflexes. Temperature was easy and all clear, reflexes are fine and great for stage work but his heart rate was still a little high for someone who's relaxed. Or maybe, he's not.

The part Jiyong had been dreading and the entire reason he had been avoiding the doctor, the blood pressure test, not because he was unhealthy but because he was hiding something, from everyone.

"Alright Jiyong, roll up your sleeve"

The doctor saw the hesitation and decided to take another step forward, it was his job.

"Jiyong, you have no need to hide anything from me, I am a professional and I need to know what's going on for your safety." Dr Tatum says to the nervous man reassuringly.

Jiyong looked down, ashamed etched painfully on his boyishly handsome face as he listed the sleeve of his right arm and the good doctor visibly shook at what he saw; deep red wounds, spanning 1 to 4 inches all different and clearly done at different times. About 4 weeks would be doctor Tatum's best guess judging by the oldest of the healing wounds as he took a moment to put it all together.

"Jiyong… why are you doing this?" concern not being hidden on his face "You need to stop this, is this why you were pushing yourself so hard today?"

"I.." He couldn't find his voice, his entire life up til now was gone, and there were no words.
The doctor gave him a minute as he himself was thinking about how best to go about this situation, he was worried about the star, sure, but he had no idea Jiyong would go this far.

Jiyong knew the doctor would want an explanation so instead of being asked, he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, it was worse. He couldn't help the tear that left its watery confines and rolled down his cheek "I don't know what's wrong"

"It's alright, don't worry." Dr Tatum said with a cool amount of authority and calmness, putting Jiyong at ease. "First things first, let's get these wounds clean"

During the course of treatment Dr Tatum discussed with the star, everything, from depression to the symptoms of anxiety, both of those being the probable cause of what's happening to his charge, seeing that he has symptoms of both. They also spoke about resolutions and decided that throughout the next 3 months Jiyong would see Dr Tatum one a week and onwards til he was, for lack of better word, better. Together they had come to the conclusion that the star needed to figure out what it was exactly that was making him feel like this, that's what causing the anxiety and the not knowing was causing the depression and self-harm. That's what will help him, that's what needs to be worked towards and he knew it wouldn't be easy. This was going to be a long and tedious road but one that needs to be taken.

"Jiyong, doctor patient confidentially is the law and I will adhere to it for you because we have established a course of action however, should we meet again in the coming weeks and I see more harm I will make it a priority to speak to the CEO. Do you understand? If I can't help you, I will seek it." The doctor really hated being so firm with the star but he really needed to make it stop and make him understand that self-harm won't help. "Before I go, I think it would be in your best interest to talk things through with the other members. There's no doubt in my mind that they're worried about you and I really do think it'll help."

The leader sat there, now covered up again and absorbed the words. 'What the hell would you know? I need to be strong!' was screaming in his head, he knows he carries a lot of weight on his shoulders but he truly believes it is nothing he can't handle. He just needs to get a grip on this cutting. "Yes doctor. I will work on it and I won't cut" and even to him he doesn't sound that convincing, but he knows he has too. It's not just his life and career on the line. But his band mates too.

With that, the doctor packed up his stuff and left. Jiyong was there, alone and thinking. 'What will they say if I tell them? What will hyung say? I can't don't want him to see me like this. I can't! I won't!' this time when his hyung entered his thoughts he let them stay and almost liked them. 'My hyung' he thought and made up his mind to sort this out himself; He wouldn't disappoint TOP. It was not an option.

A/N

Okay guys, here the deal. I wrote this chapter years ago and recently picked up the story again, so chapter 2 and onwards will likely have a different writing style! either way thanks for reading and and i hope you enjoy it