A.N: I (the college freshman who has written and posted this to let off some steam from the stress of school) apologize in advance if some confusion is encountered whilst reading. Half the time I wasn't even sure what words I was typing onto the keyboard. And I've thoroughly abused the parentheses –hangs head in shame-
From the Other Side of the Lens
Your foot still tingles and your eyes still burn.
Oh, God. Ten minutes into their relationship, and they're already playing footsie, looking into each other's eyes, and doing all that romantic crap you'd expect a lesser man to do, but not your best friend (then again, Sam always was the sensitive one.) You know they're playing footsie under the table since their feet are actually brushing yours (one word: annoying), so you tell them. The happy new couple flushes and stops, but when you feel it again, you leave and sit in your trusted recliner.
But the tingling won't go away, and just like that, it sinks in: Casey and Sam are dating. Your keener step-sister and your best friend. Together. The thought's like a kick in the stomach, and you wonder why you even gave your pseudo-blessing in the first place. As far as you're concerned, Sam's practically your brother, and by association, it means he's Casey's brother too (because you're all just one, big, happytwisted family, right?) Besides, they couldn't be any more wrong for each other (Casey deserves someone as psycho as her and Sam, well, he deserves someone who's actually from this planet.) Total mismatch.
You hear their laughter and before you know it, your fist clenches. Your friends used to be the one thing in your life that Casey, the step-sister you never wanted, hadn't taken over. But now…
Apparently, nothing is sacred ground anymore.
(Later, you see the word "doomed" somewhere and decide it's the perfect way to describe their relationship. You get proved right when they break-up and make-up again and again—and really, why can't they just get it the fuck over with?—until it's routine and no one's surprised anymore. Finally, they call it quits for good, the universe is reverted back to its normal balance, and you think God might not hate you that much after all.)
It's 3 am and all you can think of is, he's cheating on her.
Scott may be a player, but he's also an idiot. Actually, you hate him right now—if he hadn't told you about his multiple soccer-sister dating scheme, you wouldn't have this problem on your hands (yeah, it's a problem for you. Anything involving Casey always is.)
And because you're Derek, you can't tell her. Not like that, anyway. Don't forget, you're not supposed to have a conscience. You can't mess with the status quo (and you're hitting your forehead, because you're quoting High School Musical now and that can never be a good sign). It completely breaks the rules of the game to be n-n-nice. And you've always been such a good player.
Except…it's driving you nuts. It won't go away, and you know you're going to lose your mind if you don't do something. Anything. Sometimes (all the time) your brain asks you why you care so much. You reply that you don't. You just want to save yourself from the drama when she finds out for herself sooner or later. That's all. That's it.
(Fun fact: to become Lord of the Lies, you have to perfect lying to yourself first before anything else.)
"You can't do wrong and right". Edwin's given you an idea now, though, and the more you think about it, the more you realize that you can do wrong and right. And since it looks like you aren't going to be sleeping any time soon, you put the rest of the night to good use and work out your plan.
The plan works. Save for Casey's attempt at a feel-good family hug (Family? You two? Since when?), it hasn't messed up the game, and now, you two can go back to playing in peace.
(It only occurs to you after a day or so that she's the first girl you've ever lost sleep over.)
You're convinced that all Casey really needs is a blonde wig and, hello Barbie!
You're not sure how it happens, but somehow, the world's shifted and Casey's actually…popular. Not because she's Queen of the Crazies or anything, but because she's the girlfriend of the school's quarterback (You didn't like Max before. You really, really dislike him now.) She doesn't talk about poetry anymore, she wears a bit more make-up than she used to, and everyone at school seems to have forgotten that this is the same girl who used to be called Klutzilla.
It doesn't fool you, though. Even if she's taking a leaf out of the How to Be an Airhead manual to fit in with her boyfriend and his clique, she's still the same neurotic, crazy, impossible princess when she's around you (and you won't say it out loud, but you're actually fine with that.) You still fight, and it's good to see that that hasn't changed (even if she has.)
She gets into the cheerleading squad. You start dating the head cheerleader (you need to even the score.)
She accuses you of dating Amy to annoy her. You (lie) say that you're dating her because Amy's a cheerleader, and cheerleaders are on your list of dateable girls.
(It only hits you later on that Casey's a cheerleader now, too.)
Amy breaks up with you because you talk about her too much (and your mind assures you that that isn't twisted and wrong or anything, because Casey's taken over so much of your life that you can't not talk about her. Oh, wait---never mind.)
You don't (do) stare at her when she's wearing her uniform (and Casey in uniform never comes up in any of your dreams. Ever. Just so we're clear) or when she's hanging on the arm of Mr. Cardboard-cutout himself. Now, people actually talk to her and invite her to parties. She's soaking up the attention (and she giggles now too. Giggles.), and it sickens you.
So you find yourself looking for ways to piss her off. To start a fight, to get her to yell at you (in the hopes that it'll bring her back, because Barbie-Casey? Not normal.) You make fun of everything she loves, like dance and the weather channel—anything to get her to act like her old self. It's not that you miss her. You (do) don't. But while you've never been sure exactly what planet she really comes from, this pod Casey isn't really that much fun to fight with.
The day she realizes she's lost her identity and breaks up with him, you let out a breath you didn't even know you were holding. Sure, there are tears (not that you were peeking through the door or anything) and the first night, she doesn't even come down for dinner. But you know she'll get over it soon.
(The day Casey snaps out of the post-break-up phase and goes back to being demanding and crazy 24/7 again, you cancel your date with this hot foreign exchange student and decide to stay home.)
Her skirts have gotten shorter.
You have to admit: Pretty slick move, what Truman did to get her to notice him. The more you think about it, the more you realize that you've actually got a few things in common. In some ways, he's kind of like you.
(The thought makes you lose your appetite.)
So it comes as a surprise when Casey actually starts dating him. After the dreams (and the torture to your leather jacket) and Truman's pseudo-stalker, I-know-you-can't-resist-me vibe (oh yeah, you totally heard about that. How could you not, when Casey kept on rambling about it?), you never thought she'd go for him. Casey wants romantic walks on the beach and kisses during sunset, and Truman gives her…a 6 and ½ rating. But you find out that she kissed him (and you swear your stomach churns from disgust and not anything else) and agreed to go on a date with him (you hear that the first date was horrible and you're able to sleep peacefully for the first time since this fiasco began.)
You're even more surprised when it lasts longer than a couple of weeks. For all of Casey's ideas about romance and soulmates, she keeps going for all the wrong guys, and Truman? Definitely the worst. He messed with her mind and played games to get her to go out with him. For that alone, you hate the guy, because hasn't anyone told this new kid yet that no one messes with Casey except you?
The changes are little and gradual, but at the same time, they're hard to miss. Her –almost- missing her curfew. Wearing shorter skirts and a bit more make-up. Getting into a fight with her mom over her boyfriend. Bit by bit, he's changing her (and she's letting him), and god, it makes you hate him even more.
Sometimes after she leaves the house for a date, you sit in your recliner and think about how ironic it is that Casey used to preach about feminism and how girls shouldn't change their image just for a guy. Truthfully though, you still prefer Feminist Casey over this new Casey, because while Feminist Casey had finally gotten the art of giving you a headache down to a science, at least she had a backbone.
You're almost relieved when Casey catches Truman and Vicky kissing during that party. While you never, ever want to see that broken look on her face again, now that she sees what you've seen since Day 1, maybe she'll finally snap out of it. You hate the guy even more now, and it's actually comforting to know that even if you two are alike in some ways, you're still completely different (you have your faults, but cheating isn't one of them.)
The temptation to beat him to a pulp is strong, but you –barely- manage to restrain yourself. Instead, you tell him not to speak to her again and say all the other things a good (step) brother is supposed to say in this kind of situation. It's silent on the ride home, but it gives you time to cool down (and for her to pretend that she's not about to cry.)
If there ever is an award for Stupidest Thing You've Ever done, pushing Truman and Casey back together would probably win it. Sure, you want to take Emily to the prom because you figure, hey, you already like her as a friend, you could learn to really like her in that more-than-friends way too (because nothing about Emily says 'off-limits'. If you can't have something, sometimes you have to settle for the best friend.) But that isn't why you do it.
Ever since the break-up, Casey's been all mopey and more spacey-ish than usual. You're not a total insensitive pig—with the way everything happened, you figure she never got any real closure. So you push Truman to talk to her, thinking that he'll say what he wants to, she'll do the same, she dumps him properly and moves on with her life.
Never in your wildest dreams did you think that she would actually take him back. You did it, secure in the knowledge that after what he did, she wouldn't even consider giving him another chance, because you know Casey, sometimes even better than she knows herself (but apparently, you don't know much about this Casey these days.) A slow-dance and kiss later, and they're together again.
(You don't sleep a wink that night and the next morning, your desk is a mess and your knuckles are raw.)
Truman and Casey continue dating, and you try to ignore them and focus on your own life for once. Things with Emily are….nice. Easy, simple, drama-free. You like her and keep on dating her because you need some semblance of the life you had before Casey McDonald came and screwed it all up. Maybe she doesn't make your blood run or your pulse race, but it's nice to have something non-crazy in your life for once.
The both of you decide to break up mutually a week before university starts. A few days later, Casey comes home and announces that she caught Truman with another girl. She's broken things off for good, and the day you two leave for university, she yells at you for being a sexist pig, and you know she's back.
(You hope you never have to see Trumanized Casey ever again.)
"Your taste in guys suck," you tell her bluntly one afternoon. She looks up from the couch, a tub of ice cream in her arms (courtesy of her break-up with her first college boyfriend, and you don't even want to get into that story right now) and glares.
"Gee, thank you so much for saying that. It makes me feel so much better," she snaps. "Don't you have anything better to do?"
"I do, but considering that you barged into my apartment with ice cream and your latest sob story, I'm kind of stuck." You prop your elbows on the kitchen counter. "So…Ben finally got scared off, huh? What, did he take a look at that planner of yours from 1991 and realize that he should date someone who's actually human?"
"Very funny, Derek," she replies with an eye-roll. "You know, I've noticed…why are you always so obsessed over who I date? If you put that much brain power towards school, maybe you'll actually be able to graduate within this century."
"Very funny, Casey," you parrot. "Break-ups really do make you bitchier, don't they?"
She glares at you. A second later, she does a 180 and shakes her head, and you know it's the beginning of another rant. "You know, I really thought I'd gotten it right this time. He was sweet and funny and smart and good-looking and just…everything. I don't get why--"
"You've never gotten it right," you interrupt her.
She sets down the tub on the table and walks over to you. She gives you a level look. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You've changed your personality for every guy you've dated. With Sam, you were the sweet romantic, with Max, the popular cheerleader…the list goes on. And that's just screwed up." Her eyes are narrowed and her face is starting to flush (the word 'beautiful' enters your mind before anything else), but you won't stop because she needs to hear this now. "You haven't really been you. So, no. You've never gotten it right."
"And this is coming from a guy who tried to act sensitive and sweet to impress Kendra. Hypocritical much, Der-bear?"
You cringe that the sickly-sounding way she says that god-awful nickname, but meet her gaze anyway. "That isn't the same thing," you tell her (even if, in a way, it totally is. But hey, Lord of the Lies, remember?) "With you, they think they're getting one thing, but they have no idea that 'psychotic keener princess' is part of the package. Your horrible choice of guys plus your insanity? All I can say is, no wonder they bail after awhile."
Somewhat surprisingly, she doesn't glare or anything. She just walks over to your side of the counter and faces you. "Okay, Derek, since you seem to have so many thoughts about my relationships, I'll bite. Go on, tell me: exactly what kind of guy do you think I should be dating?"
That organ you swear doesn't exist starts to beat faster, because there's this look in her eyes. This look that says "I've given you an opening- this time, it's your move." But your brain (and you suddenly hate it for functioning now, of all times) reminds you that this is the same girl who said that 'brother' and 'step-brother' was same difference, so you open your mouth and say, "Uh, someone from the same species as you?"
"Derek---"
It hits you then that she really does want to know, and you want to shake her (kiss her), because come on, can she really be this clueless? Does she really not get that basic concept of dating, of falling for someone you aren't afraid to be yourself with?
Silence settles in the air and it's only now you realize that you actually said that last sentence out loud.
Your eyes meet, time seems to stop, and suddenly, breathing becomes a foreign concept. Her eyes are wide and they tell you that she's thinking the exact same thing you are: that the only times she acts like her real self is when she's single…and when she's with you.
(You're both thinking of a truth that, like it or not, has always been there.)
She's biting her lip, which always means she's nervous, and you find it fascinating. You're right in front of each other, close enough, and all you really need to do is grab her arm—
"On second thought," you cough, "Maybe you should become a nun instead."
She laughs (nervously) and begins to look at anywhere but you. "Haha…nun…uh, you know, maybe I should."
You both can't do it. Because….because you're Derek and Casey and honest conversation (you two have always been able to say things to each other without uttering a single word) has reached its limit for today. Because you both have pictures of baby Sophia in your wallets and you two are coming home next weekend for Marti's birthday.
Because after everything's said and done, you're both (cowards) still not ready to say it out loud.
This whole production has always been a one-man show. You're the director, writer, and everything rolled into one. But while, after everything you've seen (and felt), you've got enough material for an epic film (that you used to think of calling 'Klutzilla: Falling into Floors and Wrong Guys' or something like that), you've never really been a fan of sad endings.
The day you stop being a coward, you catch her wearing your jersey to bed. She's staying in your apartment because she needed a place to study and your place is sort-of quiet, since your roommates are gone for a few days anyway. She hadn't noticed the time, and since it was too late to travel back to campus, she decided to stay the night.
She looks kind of embarrassed at her choice of clothing, and goes on to say, "I needed something to wear". Only, she doesn't get to finish the sentence because you're already kissing her, and your hands are on her hips and hers are on your neck. It's an amazing feeling, and you'd probably describe it better, but you're suddenly having trouble thinking.
(You listened, not to your brain but to your heart-which you now grudgingly admit you have- when it told you , "To hell with it." Now, as your lips move towards her neck, you tell yourself never to listen to your brain again, because really, judging from past experience, it's never worked for you.)
That night, you sleep with a new feeling of peace and your arm wrapped around her. Before you completely lose yourself to unconsciousness, you make a mental note to make the proper adjustments tomorrow, because now, instead of playing in some twisted, endless loop, your movie can finally move forward.