She knew something was wrong the moment she saw Nick Fury standing at her door in the security cameras.
Phil, she immediately thought, feeling her insides freezing in an immediate and absolute panic.
He had called her last night. They hadn't talked a lot, but she had been worried ever since. He had confessed things were going south with the Avengers project, and that Loki's threat was too far away from their control. He had, however, told her to take care of herself, as if she were the one who was threatened by Thor's brother while trying to save humanity. Typical of him.
May opened the door pressing a button and went to the entrance to meet him.
"Fury" she said. It was only then that she realized she hadn't seen him in almost two years. She wasn't in the mood of talking, but she had the perfect knowledge he wasn't exactly there for a cup of tea.
"Melinda" he replied. Another bad sign. He hadn't called her like that since Bahrain. "How are you?"
She didn't answer. They made their way to the living room and sat down on the couches. The tension in the atmosphere was clear, May just wanted that unusual meeting to be over so she could go and see Coulson in whichever hospital he was in.
Nevertheless, the director didn't seem to have any interest on rushing the situation, and just stayed silent, walking his eyes across the room until they stopped for a second before returning back to her. May followed his eyes to see what had distracted him. It had been a picture, the only one she had kept visible in her new house after moving out from the one she had with Andrew. It was a small and quite old photography of her… and Coulson.
She swallowed hard. Her pulse rushed.
Her eyes met with Fury's and she noiselessly begged him to say whatever he had to say.
"As you probably know by now, the battle of New York took place yesterday" he finally said, crossing his arms over his chest. May just nodded. She had heard so in the news that morning, and although Phil hadn't called her she hadn't really worried until now, thinking he was stuck in his office filling tons of paperwork. "And as you know too, Coulson was there"
"Just tell me where he is" she said; her voice turned into a barely audible whisper.
"I'm sorry?" Replied Fury.
"Which hospital is he in?" insisted May.
Fury sighed. "That's why I'm here, Melinda" he said. "He's not in any medical facility"
"Okay, then tell me his hotel or base, I don't care"
"I can't" Fury stood and approached her side. May did the same. Still looking straight into her eyes, he put a hand on her shoulder in the way he used to do all those years back when they worked all together as a team and he needed to give her some really bad news. "Melinda… Phil is not in a base or hospital or hotel room… Phil Coulson is dead"
May didn't react. She didn't even understand what he had just said.
"He is dead" repeated Fury, reading her thoughts by her blank expression. "Loki killed him when Coulson tried to stop him. I… I am so sorry"
May shook her head. "He's not dead" she said, quietly. She shook her head again and repeated the phrase, this time with a begging tone. "He's not dead"
"I know how hard this is for you, May, but I'm afraid it's true" he said. "He's dead"
"No. No. I… No!" she exclaimed, taking a step back. "He can't be dead! We talked over the phone yesterday! Phil… No!"
"Melinda, you need to calm down" Fury grabbed her arm, but she shook him off violently.
Since Bahrain she hadn't said more than ten words in a conversation, but that was too much for her. She lost the perfect control she had over her emotions and let it all out.
"Stay away from me!" yelled May, kicking away the chair that was next to her. It landed on the coffee table, which being made of glass broke into one million pieces. She didn't care and threw one of the largest pieces away. The glass cut her hands but that didn't stop her. "It's your entire fault! It's all your fault!" she continued tearing, breaking, and kicking. Books, chairs, home decorations, pillows, paintings; nothing was safe from her pain. Fury didn't even blink when she hit him several times in the arm and other several parts of his body. "It's all your fault! He's not dead…"
"It is my fault" he agreed. "But you have to remember I cared for him and…"
"And nothing!" she said. "You say you care for him, but you got him killed! You say he was your friend, but you weren't there to…" May suddenly stopped talking and moving across the shattered living room. "And neither was I" she whispered. "I…"
"No" Fury cut her off, looking at her worriedly. "Melinda, listen to me. It wasn't your fault"
"It was" replied the retired agent. "He wanted me to be there with him… And I said no. It's my entire fault"
"Melinda…"
"Go" she said.
"No until you calm down" said Fury shaking his head.
"Get out!" she repeated. "Just… leave me alone" she said, her chest raising and falling at the rhythm of her unstable and difficult breathing. She felt as if someone were trying to strangle her after kicking her in the chest. "Please"
"You promise me you won't do anything stupid?" replied Fury.
May nodded. "I want… I need to be alone"
"All right" Fury nodded. "Just… take care of yourself. And… May" he said before disappearing through the door. She looked up to him. Broken eyes empty of emotions. "The funeral is on Friday"
May didn't answer and when the door closed she just looked around. Everything was destroyed, useless, out of place. Just like herself. Most positively guided by her torturous masochist heart, May couldn't help but to look up to the shelf where the photography had been. Not finding it she searched it desperately around the room and finally found it under a chair.
With trembling hands she held it in front of her. Coulson and she were smiling at the camera, hugged by the shoulders, so young and free and happy it was almost impossible to believe it was really them. May took the photo out of the frame and squeezed it against her chest as a hundred memories helplessly flooded her mind.
The day they had met at the academy all those years ago. All those late nights of study in his room eating pizza or the long talks at three on the morning on the roof. Their graduation. Their first mission as a team. The countless experiences they had shared together, both good and bad, but equally valuable. His dorky but adorable smile every time she rolled her eyes at one of his awful puns. The way he had stayed with her after Bahrain; even Andrew eventually gave up and walked away, but he never did…
"Phil" she whispered. Bitter tears started rolling down her eyes. Tears of pain, regrets, guilt and pure agony. Coulson was dead… and it was all her fault.
She hadn't been there to save him. Okay, maybe it was Loki she was talking about but deep in her heart she knew she could have bought him some seconds to scape.
He wanted her to be there.
May let herself fall down to the floor.
Coulson had wanted her to be a part of the team, but she had said no.
She had left him.
And he… Oh, God, what was she supposed to do without him? Her partner, her best friend, and the only real one she had left… Dead. And it was all her fault!
May closed her eyes as she cried his death. He meant a lot to her. A lot. She… loved him.
She loved him.
Not in the typical romantic way. She loved him because he was always there for her. Because he was smart and brave and brilliant, and maybe a big dork but the best one. He was her best friend. Her partner. They were part of a team that didn't work with one of the pieces missing. Phil was the only reason she had left to keep fighting against her demons. He knew her and understood her like nobody did, not even Andrew.
She was in love with Phil Coulson.
But she never got the chance to tell him that, always thinking the right time would come for them, that things would get better.
And now he was dead, and everything was over.
What do you think guys? I originally wrote it as a one-shot but I have a few ideas for a second chapter... let me know if you want me to continue. Please post some reviews! :D