Selfish
Part I
Alicia Florrick sat precisely upright in her chair. The true professional, clearly listening carefully, her perfectly made face not showing the slightest detail of her thoughts.
One would not have thought by looking at her that she'd had far too little sleep of late, that she was operating on strong coffee and granola bars, and that she hadn't genuinely smiled in... far too long.
But in the meeting, with her client seated next to her, she was the perfect Junior Associate, giving just as much effort into what had appeared at first to be a standard divorce procedure as she would into a murder trial.
The problem was not her client, or the client's husband. The client, Kazue Natsu-Harris, was in her late twenties, a former teacher. Her husband, Liam Harris, was a couple of years older, an esteemed chef who owned his own Michelin stared restaurant in Chicago and was looking to open more restaurants across the country. Mrs Natsu Harris was formerly a British citizen, born to a Japanese mother and English father, and had gained her American citizenship after studying at the University of Chicago where she'd met her husband, marrying him not long after graduation. They had no children, had been married for approaching eight years, had separated nearly a year ago, with her moving out to an apartment not far from her husband's restaurant, at which she worked informally as his assistant manager. As awkward as the situation already was for them, the problem was not the couple. The couple were polite, amicable, though clearly stressed and unhappy individuals.
The same could not be said for Mr Harris' legal representation.
Darren Blythe was the worst kind of lawyer in Alicia's books. The man was clearly milking the situation and his client for all it/he was worth. Alicia took a guess that Blythe was trying to tote up his billable hours, and was doing all he could to reap expenses. Her client had complained about the amateur private investigator who was clearly following her every move.
That wasn't the only think Mrs Natsu-Harris had to complain about.
"He's so unpleasant to her," Alicia ranted one night.
Will frowned, lowered the beer bottle from his lips.
They were sharing pizza again in a rare moment of peace. Their phones were deliberately switched off, Will's jacket and tie were hanging up in the corner, Alicia's feet up on the coffee table, BBQ hickory steak pizza demolished between them. This time it was Will's corner office, the pizza bought by Alicia, waving a white paper napkin as a flag. They had a friendship to repair after she'd discovered Will's second missed call during Peter's press conference. Will did tell her coolly some other time would be more appropriate, until she'd reminded him that BBQ steak used to be his favourite at Georgetown, and then, to further convince him, opened the box to let the smell do all the convincing. He'd grinned despite himself, and they'd found themselves reminiscing. They talked about work, steered clear of Alicia's growing appearances in the media for her husband's campaign.
Alicia didn't want to talk about that any more than Will did.
"How so?" He asked. He'd met Mrs Natsu-Harris ten years ago, at a BBQ. She was a college freshman, working at the party as a babysitter to the kids, and of all the snobs at that party she was the only one worth talking to. She'd had opinions and voiced them with a liberal confidence, an ambition to live her life fully. Years later they met again at her husband's restaurant when she served him and his date, her recognising him in only a few seconds. The date he didn't remember much any more, but he'd remembered the food, and how friendly she was again, and so always asked for her if she was working when he frequented the restaurant. Liam he had met on a handful of times when Kazue dragged him out of the kitchens to introduce them. He'd promised her that if she ever needed a lawyer to give him a call, joking at the time. Then one night she sat down at his table whilst he tried not to get spaghetti sauce over his work papers and told him that she was thinking of getting a divorce. He'd put his fork down, made some calls, and asked Alicia to handle it for him, trusting no one else to be genuinely sensitive over the matter in the way Kazue deserved. She was a friend and a good woman: she deserved the best help.
"He keeps attacking her on everything. He's trying to insinuate that she lied about Bose to Liam," Alicia sighed.
"The student who claimed she'd hit on him?" Will asked, incredulous. Alicia nodded glumly. "I thought she filed a restraining order against him because he wouldn't leave her alone after she resigned?"
Alicia nodded again. "She did. But Blythe is making out that that was just a smokescreen, or when she filed it she'd gotten bored of Bose. He's trying to shake up Liam's views of her so he'll contest the settlement out of sheer bitterness. Not that we know what Liam's views are anyway, because Blythe doesn't let him breathe yet alone speak during our meetings." Alicia groaned with frustration, irritated just by thinking of the unpleasant man. "Did you know that Blythe actually fired her from Liam's restaurant and ordered her to not call Liam? She doesn't call him Blythe any more, she calls him The Wanker," she added, the corners of her mouth twitching up as she imitated Kazue's British/American hybrid accent.
Will chuckled. It was an absolutely terrible imitation. He couldn't help but think that he could understand Blythe's tactic, as underhand and unpleasant as it was. He'd heard about Bose from Kazue herself, when he asked her why she worked for her husband. She had loved teaching, she'd gotten a job in a suburban high school teaching history, but after only a couple of years one of her students, Harry Bose, started harassing her. She complained about it to her colleagues, warned her seniors about Bose, and told him that she wasn't interested. The senior turned bitter and told the principal that it was the other way round, that she had been pursuing him, and got vocal about it. Eventually the principal asked her to 'take some time off' until the incident cooled down. She read between the lines, and left altogether. She tried to get another post elsewhere, but no school would hire her when they heard why she left. Eventually she gave up, finding that she actually liked helping out at the restaurant, which was doing well, very well. She resented it, but the fight had worn her out, and she lost her passion for teaching.
If Will had been trying to undermine her, he'd have gone for the same thing too. Except he wouldn't be rude about it, he did have some sensitivity. "What do you think?
"About Bose?" Alicia crossed her hands decisively over her stomach. "I believe her. Kalinda double-checked it all, to be on the safe side. She did speak to her colleagues, she did speak to her seniors. Kalinda even asked some of Bose's classmates, and none of them believed him either, they're all certain she found Bose as repulsive as they did. He went on to do the same thing to some of his lecturers at UCLA. It was simply because his father was friends with the governor and said he'd make trouble for the school. She even told Liam about it as it was happening, she didn't keep secrets from him." She shook her head, impressed. "There's no dirt on her. None. She moved to the States legally to study as far from her divorcing parents as she could, and stayed because she was happy here. Blythe has nothing, and he knows it. The truth does have some power over lies."
Will smirked but kept his mouth shut: truth having power over lies, his ass. Alicia glared at him, knowing what he was thinking, but kept quiet too. He was glad actually, that Kazue had been telling the truth about her past when they had shared news. She was a friend outside of the world of law where friends' loyalty cannot be called upon or trusted. He'd even learnt that some of those friends' integrity was not all that it should be. Lawyers tend to be married to their jobs more faithfully than their wives: it was refreshing to trust someone, and not worry. Bottles of wine had loosened his tongue in that restaurant plenty of times, particularly recently, and she'd never breached their trust and sold out his secrets to the highest bidder. She could of, but she didn't. He'd always admired her for it, and so didn't always need the bottles of wine. In return she'd confided about the Bose incident, and the good days of her marriage. He remembered her teasing him for his faith in bachelorhood, warning him that one day he'd know for sure, just like she did, and jump, just like she did.
And now she was sinking, her certainty crumbled.
"Just keep shooting Blythe down when he starts stirring things up," he advised. "If he's really unpleasant to her just pull that face on him."
"What face?"
"That face you pull when someone really, really pisses you off."
She chuckled. "Why?"
"'Why?' Because it'll frighten the living daylights out of him, boy's got no balls." He grinned as she laughed again. "He's only going to get worse when he actually addresses her claims, just don't take his bullshit if you don't have to."
Will was right. Blythe had gotten worse.
"You want what?" He spat across the table, making Mrs Natsu-Harris flinch with disgust out her assumed passive silence.
"$50,000 a year, for the maintenance of her apartment and in return for her years managing Mr Harris' restaurant, until she can match that with her own income," Alicia repeated calmly, her soothing voice attempting to reduce the sudden rise of tension coming from across the other side of the table. Mr Harris himself merely looked lost and confused, his eyes darting over every face in the room. Will, sitting on Mrs Natsu-Harris' other side, continued to study Liam, wondering, not for the first time, why he'd hired Blythe in the first place.
Blythe snorted, interrupting Will's study to frown at the man. Eugh. "Dream on, Mrs Florrick. Cash settlement maybe, this no."
Will frowned deeper. "What is Mr Harris' objection to paying regular alimony?" They'd been over Kalinda's examination of Harris' finances: they knew that he could afford to pay far more, given his success, but $50,000 was what Mrs Natsu-Harris had asked for, even the condition that her husband could cease payments when she was making her own living. A very modest sum, considering that when she lived with Liam their annual expenditures had at one time been close to twenty times that amount.
Mr Harris opened his mouth to speak, but his lawyer spoke for him. "The problem is that my client doesn't owe yours anything, given that, as faithful as she might have been to my client's business there is question to her faithfulness to their marriage -"
Mrs Natsu-Harris' face transformed with anger and she sat straight up in her chair, as though she was getting ready to launch herself across the table to throttle the despicable lawyer. But Alicia put a hand out to the young woman, steadying her.
"There's no pre-nuptial agreement pledging fidelity Mr Blythe, so your aspersions are neither relevant nor helpful to these proceedings," Alicia said tonelessly.
Blythe grinned. "Indeed. What is relevant are financial contributions to the marriage, and since Mrs Natsu hasn't worked for five years -"
"Again, Mr Blythe, not relevant," Alicia interrupted, her tone turning frosty. "Mrs Natsu-Harris has worked for her husband's restaurant for the last five years. She has contributed and supported him all the years of their marriage."
Blythe visibly recomposed himself. He didn't like being interrupted. "Fine. That still doesn't mean that she is entitled to my client's future earnings. My client is however willing to offer a one-time cash settlement to draw the matter to a close."
Once again Will noted the confusion on Mr Harris' face before he turned to Blythe. Just how much was the trash Blythe was sprouting actually coming from his client?
"How much?" Alicia asked, her poker face on. Will caught the slight wary tone to her voice. They were finally about to find out what they had to bargain with.
"$300,000." Blythe said, smirking directly at Mrs Natsu-Harris. She merely raised an eyebrow, as though he was no more impressive than a piece of gum stuck to the heel of her shoe. Alicia raised an eyebrow too.
Will voiced the thoughts of the women instead. "That's it?"
The smirk on Blythe's face melted into innocence. "Yes. She may keep her own personal effects still in my client's house, any shares she has in the restaurant that are in her name -" None, they were jointly owned. "- Her car, the Toyota Prius -" Blythe's mouth twitched in a smirk, as though unsurprised that she would own an environmentally conscious car. "- And of course any momentos that she would like to keep." The innocence remained, as though it was a generous offer.
Harris was worth several million dollars that were modestly multiplying. Their penthouse alone, which was now for sale, was worth close to a million dollars alone, and it was under both their names. Will and Alicia shared a look. Their minds were easy to read, simply from the single though in both their heads: 'this is bullshit'.
A thought they both, simultaneously, turned on in full force at Blythe in a joint glare. The lawyer shrugged. "Fine. $500,000."
Gardner and Florrick continued to stare; still not good enough. In fact, Mrs Florrick was starting to look annoyed. Not a pleasant sight...
"Alright, alright." Blythe sat back in his chair and remembered the figure he'd 'agreed' with Mr Harris be the maximum offer. Actually Harris had been happy for a completely equal split of all assets, but Blythe had piled reason upon reason for giving as little as possible. Easier to get a cut that way. Some mess with percentages that even he didn't fully understand. "$1 million."
Gardner relinquished his stare, a bit more satisfied. Mrs Florrick however did not. "And the penthouse?" She pointed out. "It's registered in both their names."
Blythe nodded, held his hands up slightly. "Half the money from the sale." Blythe noticed the slight dipping of Gardner's head with approval. Mrs Florrick however was still not done.
"And the shares?"
Blythe's hands came down. "She can have half the joint shares. Mr Harris will still need to have majority shares though, so we can agree to a price on the shares."
Now Mrs Florrick looked more satisfied. $1 million plus approximately another half from the sale of the penthouse and the shares were a much better deal, potentially a better deal than the alimony. It was definitely better for Blythe, which was why he was smirking triumphantly. His contract didn't include cuts of regular alimony.
Alicia turned to her client, waiting for a response. This was a good offer, though not what Mrs Natsu-Harris originally wanted. The money from the sale of the penthouse was a given, she'd worked hard to make it a home. The cash settlement was a fair sum, Mrs Natsu-Harris wasn't interested in milking her husband for all he was worth. The shares she wasn't interested in owning, she was quite happy to retain joint ownership to help her husband's business. The restaurant was Liam's baby, and she was proud of him for what he'd created, but she'd worked hard to help him. She still cared about his future.
Which was why she had asked for alimony with conditions instead of a cash settlement. She was looking for work now, and the alimony mean that she could live comfortably though modestly until she could support herself. She didn't need a big cheque. She knew her husband's finances better than Kalinda even. He didn't need to pay that much money in one stroke, she didn't want to make his life hard.
All that she managed to communicate with one look to Alicia, who turned back to Blythe and told him they'd meet back in a few days.
"What do you think she'll agree to in the end?"
They were back in Alicia's office, shoes kicked off again, beers in hand. She was slouching in her chair, her legs stretched out, toes almost brushing with his legs. She looked worn out. Will thought, having now watched Blythe in sleazy action, that the beer was well needed today. It was worse than standing against Cary; at least Cary was, more or less, a good kid and a good lawyer. Blythe was just thoroughly unpleasant. Kazue had left straight away, saying she felt sick and needed a shower to get rid of the slime, clutching her stomach as she went.
"I don't know," Alicia sighed. "I don't really know what to advise her either, she's coming back in tomorrow to discuss options. She was never interested in a cash settlement. They never held on to that much money, they were always reinvesting their profits, it never went into their bank accounts to gather interest. She keeps trying to talk to Liam, but Blythe's doing a good job of separating them." Alicia took a sip of her beer, contemplating the situation. "I like her actually, Kazue. She's down-to-earth. Just wants a job to keep her occupied that doesn't test her sanity, a mortgage, and saving for vacations. She told me she wants to go back to Fiji for a break, she went just before she started college, always said she'd go back regularly and then never did. Apparently the Fijians know how to relax properly."
Will grinned. Vacations sounded good. "I hope we get this for her." Alicia nodded, agreeing. They were lawyers: it was their job to get the best deal for their client. Then he thought of Liam Harris and Blythe and wondered.
"She really cares for him still, doesn't she?" He asked Alicia. She nodded, smiling understandingly. "How did they end up here then?" He had tried to ask Kazue once, but she'd avoided answering properly, saying it was for the best. Now, that didn't seem like a very adequate answer. At the time he'd just written off his lack of understanding as a 'married thing'. But if there was one thing that wasn't confused about Mr Harris, and was as obvious as day, it was that he clearly was in love with his wife still. Far too many longing looks and the sure signs of a man who was miserable because he missed someone he loved.
Alicia shrugged. "They just stopped being happy together." Will frowned. That didn't explain things any better than 'it's for the best'. "It happens sometimes," Alicia said quietly.
"But it definitely wasn't anyone else?" Will asked, still not understanding it. Guess it really was a 'married thing'.
Alicia shook her head. "No, nothing like that. Kalinda looked into both of them, to be thorough," Alicia rolled her eyes. "Kazue hasn't been interested in anyone, though she's had guys interested in her when she's gone out with her girlfriends. And Liam's clear too, never ever slipped up." Alicia suddenly smiled. "In fact, Kazue was his first girlfriend."
Will's eyes widened. "What?"
Alicia nodded, grinning. It sounded so sweet. "They were dorm-mates at college, and he asked her out the day they moved out to different apartments. Apparently he didn't want to complicate things for them when they were living together. He'd been in love with her for months."
Will smiled. He remembered a certain Georgetown law student who had had similar thoughts about a certain fellow law student, but who then never said anything, someone else got there first. Bad timing. He could just see Liam Harris at that age, finally free to ask out the girl of his dreams.
Except now, a decade on, he was now clearly unhappy, being dragged through a divorce with a lawyer who gave all other lawyers their bad name, his soon-to-be-former wife caring more for his interests than that same lawyer. Once again Will wondered how on earth they ended up that way, clearly not from bad timing.
Alicia's phone buzzed on her desk, and she groaned quietly in protest at the interruption. Earlier in the week she'd had a visit from Eli Gold, respectfully requesting that she keep her cell phone on at all times. She'd reluctantly agreed, had even answered Gold's calls when she could, and let her husband go to voice mail. She was at work, if he needed to talk to her it could wait 'til she got home. Requests such as 'how do you work the microwave?' were put through by Zach or Grace, regardless of whether or not they could answer the question themselves.
This call however, she was surprised to see, was not from either Gold or her husband or her children.
"Kazue, is everything alright?" She answered.
Even Will heard the distress on the other end of the line, and frowned with genuine concern as Alicia's eyes widened with alarm. "What's wrong?" He asked.
Alicia lowered her cellphone. "She's pregnant."
"How long?"
Kazue blew her nose with a tissue. "Not long, I'm a couple of weeks late." Fresh tears streamed out of her eyes.
They were at her apartment, sitting on stools at her kitchen island, just the two of them. Will had wisely opted to not come round too, fearing how hormonal it could get. It was a nice place, big kitchen, a cook's kitchen, with pine tops, a large gas stove and a library's worth of cook books. A pregnancy test sat on top of its box on the counter, the positive sign clear to all. Neither woman needed to voice the fact that, whilst pregnancy tests could be inaccurate, they didn't indicate phantom pregnancies, they only missed real ones.
"I've been so stressed out lately, I didn't think... I didn't remember..." Kazue stammered, trying to excuse her lapse in judgement.
Alicia laid a comforting hand on Kazue's shoulder. "What happened?"
Kazue took a deep breath. "He came round after we shut up one night, to catch up properly, we never get to talk much at work, and we... just..." She trailed off and hung her head as more tears came. "I completely forgot to, you know, take care of it afterwards. I wasn't on the Pill. But I thought it would be okay, I thought I'd got my maths right. And then that absolute twat Blythe started being an arse and it slipped my mind." She took another deep breath to calm herself.
Alicia however stared at her in confusion. "It's Liam's?" Who else fit the description of 'he'?
Kazue looked at her incredulously. "Of course. Whose else would it be?"
Alicia looked suitably chastised, but she wondered too. How did they end up here then? Will had asked. She'd asked Kazue why she was filing for divorce when she took the case on, and Kazue's explanation 'we're just not happy together any more' had been accepted at the time. Alicia could even sympathise. But... now, she wasn't sure that was it. When she'd slept with her husband again, was it to scratch an itch - like Alicia had, she had to admit to herself - or was it more than that?
But there were now more important issues.
"What do you want to do?"
Liam Harris was miserable. Yet another day stuck in the loathsome company of Darren Blythe. Trust his mother to beg him to hire some rising hot stuff son of one of her neighbours. Kazue never did like her mother-in-law much.
"Just how much longer is your client going to keep us, Gardner?" Blythe asked scathingly. Will Gardner, sitting calmly across the table, arched an eyebrow. "I do have other appointments after this."
Liam tried not to raise his own eyebrow. Nice to know just how 'important' a client he was.
Gardner peered at his watch, as did Liam. Kazue was only a couple of minutes later, that was nothing. Mrs Florrick wasn't here yet either. "Don't worry, Mr Blythe, they'll be here soon."
Just then Mrs Florrick opened the door, and held it open for Kazue.
She looked tired. Really tired. Her eyes were bloodshot, she had bags underneath them, she looked pale, and her hands were fidgeting over... over...
Kazue walked up to the table and placed something on it. Something white, and long, and life altering.
Liam stared at the plus sign on the pregnancy test for a few seconds, deaf to his lawyer's stammering. Finally he slowly turned.
"Blythe." The lawyer - finally - shut up. "You're fired."
"I can't believe this is happening."
Kazue smiled weakly. She couldn't either.
Liam grinned with happiness. "This is incredible! We're going to be parents, everything's going to be fine!" Kazue's smiled vanished. Liam blinked with confusion at her immediate reaction to his words. "But... this is good, isn't it? You do want to keep it, don't you? You... you don't want to get rid of it?"
Kazue shook her head, to his relief. "No, no, I don't. I... I couldn't do that." She smiled weakly. "You know how liberal I am, but when it actually comes to it... I don't want to choose that."
Liam looked confused still. "Then... what's wrong?" He shifted closer to her. "We're going to be a family!"
Kazue sighed. "Li... I still want the divorce."
Liam's face fell, and Kazue's heart broke for him. "I... I don't understand..."
Kazue took a deep breath, thought over her words carefully. "Li, please, listen to me, and please understand. We were arguing all the time. And then when that died down, when we stopped fighting, we were both still unhappy. That's why I moved out. But I asked for the divorce because I found I was happier on my own."
Liam's face started to clear. Behind his eyes she could see him remembering. Even sympathising. He did not contradict. But his eyes did water. "Li, I love you. You know that. And I always will. But it's not marriage love any more. You're a good, wonderful man, but we're not good and wonderful any more. We were, for a long time. But we haven't been for a while now. And I don't think we will be again." She took another deep breath. "I don't want to bring our child into that. I don't want our child to be the answer to our problems, to lock us together like that. I do want to be a good mother, and I do want you to be a good father. I want you and I to be good parents. But I don't think that's the same as being a good husband and wife."
She paused and studied Liam's face, hoping that he understood what she meant, how she felt.
"I know it's not conventional, and I know it'll take some working out. But one thing I think we are still good at is being a team. We're a good team, and we'll figure it out. The three of us will be okay, we'll be alright."
Liam stared into space, and then slowly nodded, his face blank. She waited patiently. Finally he took her hand in his and faced her.
"I love you too." He told her quietly. "I should have told you that more."
Her eyes filled with tears too, and she shook her head. "You didn't have to. I knew. We both did." She squeezed his hands. "No regrets. None."
He squeezed her hands too, nodding. "Are you sure about this?" She nodded too. She was certain. She'd had time to think about this, before this hand happened. Now that she was pregnant, she could see things even clearer. "Okay." He nodded, tears streaming down his face. "Okay." He shook her hands in his. "I'll work hard. I promise. I will be there. I will try. I want us to be good parents too. I promise."
They hugged each other, holding each other for a long time as they cried, whispering their promise to each other, rocking themselves. They stayed like that a long time, undisturbed as Will and Alicia filtered traffic away to give them privacy. A while later they went back up to Will Gardner's office and told Alicia that they were decided and they wanted to draw up an official settlement together, and that they would not be needing Darren Blythe's services any further.
Later they took separate cabs to their separate homes, promising to meet in a couple of days for Kazue's doctor's appointment. Everything was going to be okay.
"I really didn't see this coming."
They were back in Will's office, with more beers again. This time they both sat on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, still going over the draft for the Natsu-Harris settlement. They were going to sort out some kind of dual custody of the child once it was born, with its primary residency with its mother. Liam had agreed to help Kazue considerably financially until and after the baby was born until it went to school, as well as set up a trust fund for the child. They had a lot more to discuss for the settlement, and a lot more besides. But for the most part, that wasn't any of Will or Alicia's business, it was theirs.
It was the friendliest divorce either lawyer had ever seen in their entire careers. And Will was still baffled by it.
"I mean, I kinda both can and can't get my head round it. I guess I can understand that they don't work as a couple any more but still care about each other. But there's other bits that I can't figure out." Will rambled.
"Like what?" Alicia asked, curious.
"Like why did they sleep together again, after being separated for so long, even after the divorce papers were filed?"
Alicia shifted on the couch uncomfortably. "She told me she missed... she missed being touched. She felt like being reckless. It was only sex," Alicia justified. She couldn't help but sympathise with Kazue there.
Will nodded. The 'only sex' bit made perfect sense to him too, though in the context of the Harrises it felt out of place. But then, he'd never been married.
"And why did they get married in the first place?" He remembered all the stories Kazue told of their student years, of being drunken asses who'd do stupid reckless things together. He remembered all the stories of Kazue going out partying with her girlfriends at bars and clubs, drinking and dancing without a care in the world, glad to once again enjoy her twenties, not having to worry about getting home to Liam. She'd been happier, more alive. More like the twenty-something she was, rather than the responsible wife. He could picture perfectly why Harris had asked that early: he was in love for the first time in his life, they'd been together for a bit, and youthful romance doesn't always have the best judgement. Graduation would have loomed, and the threat of parting with it. Rings on fingers have a tendency to make paths merge. "Why did she accept? They were so young." Kazue had always said it was the dumbest fantastic thing she'd ever done in her life.
Alicia smiled. Her own ring gave an advantage: the wisdom of having gotten married herself when she was young. But not that young. "Because she loved him, and she wanted to make him happy, I suppose." She smiled good-naturedly at him. "Good women don't break hearts by saying no to important things like that."
She trailed off into thought. That wasn't true.
"May I ask you something?"
"Sure." Alicia replied and sat up a little on her stool.
"I know about how your husband cheated on you," Kazue started apologetically. Alicia looked down at her lap uncomfortably. "Did you forgive him?"
Alicia closed her eyes. And then she told the truth. "No. No, not really. I tried to, for the kids, so that we could all get along. But no, not really." She sighed. "I can't trust him any more."
Kazue nodded, understanding. "Are you happy with him?"
Alicia stared at the young woman in front of her. "No. We used to be, like you were with Liam. I thought we were happy right up until I found out about the... I guess we're weren't that happy after all."
"Then why do you stay with him?"
Alicia turned away. That was harder to answer.
"Kids?" Kazue asked. Alicia nodded. "And your husband's campaign? Afraid that it'll scuttle if you abandon him?" Alicia nodded again. "And that the kids won't understand?" Alicia nodded emphatically, her face beginning to screw up with pain. Yes. She was petrified of that, that they wouldn't forgive her for breaking their family apart again. Grace's feelings about her father's actions had been so mixed, and Zach had been so supportive of his father. She didn't want to make things worse for their family.
"I'm sorry." Alicia looked back at Kazue. She looked genuinely apologetic, genuinely sympathetic. It was refreshing. "I'm sorry to ask. It's just... I'm about to do a selfish thing. I want to... I need to know why you chose not to do the same."
Alicia thought calmly for a moment. And then she answered truthfully again. "I think sometimes we've just got to do what we need to do. You need to do this."
Kazue smiled, nodded in agreement. And then she frowned. "And you?"
And me... Alicia had thought about that for a long while now. 'What about me?'
She was tired. Soul tired. Tired of going home to find campaign people working in her kitchen whilst she made dinner for everyone. Tired of trying to make it clear to Peter that she still didn't want him in her bedroom. Tired of her mother-in-law sugar-coating his betrayal, trivialising his actions that had hurt more than anything Peter had ever done to her. His actions had trivialised her, had trivialised their marriage. She couldn't forgive that, and she'd given up trying.
She was also getting tired of being afraid of what change would do. Of whether Grace and Zach would not forgive her if she officially gave up on their father.
When it really came to it, she didn't care about Peter's campaign. That was his business, not hers, or even their family's. She was tired of appearing at his side when she didn't even know if she was really on his side. She didn't trust him still, regardless of what the court was ruling over his case now. She didn't care. She didn't owe him her caring for the campaign either. She was a good lawyer: she was good at seeing through people's silver tongues.
Show me the plan.
And Will. Will...
His voice mail ending things had stung, had disappointed her more than she had even expected. And then she came back to work, had seen his attitude towards her and wondered. It was not as cool as she'd anticipated, or even cool how she had anticipated. It was as though he'd been disappointed too. So she got curious, and discovered the second missed call from him that night.
And then wondered just how far Eli Gold was prepared to support Peter's campaign.
But bringing it up would change everything. And she wasn't sure whether her life was ready for that.
I think sometimes we've just got to do what we need to do.
She suddenly envied Kazue's courage, envied that, as much as she loved and cared for Liam, she'd done what she needed to take care of herself too and was prepared to live with the consequences without regret. Kazue knew full well what she was about to try, knew what was at risk. But rather than folding and taking the easy way out, returning to her husband for a fresh start as a family, she had crafted her own destiny. It was going to be hard for her, and she was petrified that it was going to fail or be a dreadful mistake. But not scared enough that she wasn't willing to try. This was a modern world, and Kazue wasn't going to completely be a single parent.
Kazue Natsu-Harris had not been happy. Now, she was fighting for her happiness.
And she was winning.
Alicia Florrick wasn't happy either. She wasn't lying when she told Will that she needed her job, she did. But not just because of the bills. It was hers; her efforts, her work, her passion. She had fought for that, and now, could she not fight for her happiness in the rest of her life?
"Alicia?"
Her mind returned to Will's office, to find him gazing at her with concern. Then she noticed his hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?"
She stared down at that comforting hand on her shoulder, up along his arm, to his face. To his lips.
The good wife decided to be selfish for once.
She shuffled across towards him, placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him. He reacted instinctively, almost familiarly, until she pulled away. "I'm sorry I didn't return those calls," she whispered.
He frowned for a moment, then his face cleared with comprehension, and then he grinned. "Better late than never," he said, meaning it.
And then they didn't say anything for a while.
"So, what's a good plan?"
She smiled, ran her fingers through his messed-up hair. He had faint lipstick smears, and in his nervous happiness he looked so like the Will she'd remembered from Georgetown, that same boyishness. He was still a good kisser, she was pleased to note, better with age and far less alcohol than their student years.
He shifted a little on the couch, slipped a hand under her shirt over her stomach. The buttons on their shirts were undone, his cotton under-shirt soft against her skin, and his thigh felt solid between hers. Their flies were still zipped up. Alicia was not a quickie in Will Gardner's office. She was more the woman to take home, ravish in his bed, and still be up with at dawn.
Alicia shifted to face him. She thought carefully over her words. None of this was going to be easy. Change never was.
"I'm going to talk to Peter," she said. She felt Will's grip on her tighten ever so slightly. "Explain what I want."
Will stroked her hair softly and swallowed nervously. "What do you want, Alicia?"
"For us to be done." She noticed the tightening of Will's jaw, realised he'd immediately assumed that 'us' meant them, and quickly added, "Peter and I. I want Peter and I to be done." She stared at his chest, something other than Will's relieved face. "Our marriage is over, has been for a while now really. I want to start acting like that's the case." The relief on Will's face was swiftly replaced with sympathy at the pain in her voice. In that moment, he grew up a little, seemed less boyish. "It's hard, Will. And it's going to get harder," she admitted quietly. "I have my children to think about, and Peter needs me for his campaign. It'll mean being patient, being the 'good wife' a bit longer."
"Okay."
She met his eyes, studied his face. "It's not going to be easy, Will. It's not just parent-teacher conferences, it's -"
"I'm certain, Alicia."
Alicia faltered to a stop. He really did look certain. Like a man stepping up to the mark.
"I do get it, Alicia," he said calmly. "Peter will want to kill me. Zach and Grace might want to help him. Even if they don't feel homicidal, best case scenario is still going to be tense, for all of us." He tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'll be there. I'll wait." He smiled at her understandingly. "I know that it will take time and patience. Even after Peter's campaign things might still be very messy for all of us. But for you, of course I'll wait."
She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him. He kissed her back, holding her close. Then suddenly he pulled back. "I'm not going without this though," he added, gesturing between the two of them, grinning. She giggled, kissed him again. "No, seriously, I'm a guy, I'm not that patient." He kissed her back, grinning. Then he pulled away again, genuinely being serious. "No, really. I get that out there, to the rest of the world, we're not together. But here, when it's just us, I want it to be just us." He stroked her cheek. "No pretences between us."
She nodded. She liked that plan. She kissed him again, pulling his weight back on to her.
They didn't resurface for a while again, not pretending.
The door closed quietly. It was late, very late. The kids were asleep already. Peter Florrick, candidate for the State Attorney, got off his stool and headed to greet his wife.
The sight of her stopped him in his tracks. She looked... different.
"Alicia, honey, you're back late, I was getting worried," Peter said gently.
She hung her coat up in nervous silence, and finally he picked up the signs. Bruised lips, creased skirt. She looked like a teenager back from making out with her boyfriend behind the gym.
"Peter, we need to talk."
Peter Florrick went numb. He'd hoped to God that he wouldn't hear those words from his wife. He blindly followed her to his bedroom, sat down on the edge of the bed at her invitation, and only really registered that he'd done any of those things when she closed the door behind them. He'd just been shut in a room with the consequences.
"Peter, this isn't working. We're not working. I... I can't forgive you, Peter. You messed up. You can't make up for that. And you know what? You haven't even really tried. And I don't want to try any more. I told you this before, but you didn't listen. Well, now, you're going to listen.
"We've got a lot of hard work to do. We'll need to tell the kids, soon, no secrets. They're... I know that this is going to... going to hurt them. So, I'd... I'd like it if you stay with us, help us all adjust for the time being. We can prepare for the future together, make sure we stay a family. But after the campaign, I think you should find a place for yourself to live, somewhere where the kids can see you whenever they like, and we can start formal proceedings then.
"I don't want things to be messy. I won't do anything to tarnish the campaign, I will be there for you. But once that's done, I'm done too. Understand?"
Peter lost self-awareness after that. Later he would remember a mess of emotions. He cried, out of guilt and shame and regret. He got angry, accusing Will as a reason for them separating, and the horrid jealousy when Alicia admitted to wanting to start a relationship with him, but he'd bottled his green fury when she asserted that she would be doing all of this eventually anyway, regardless of Will, when she had the courage to evoke such changes. And then the numbness sunk in when she reminded him of Zach and Grace. He remembered promising that he'd help her talk to the kids about all of this in the morning.
Finally she gave him a hug - the most physically affectionate she'd been to him in a while - and left. He'd tried to sleep. Hearing the front door open and close again however kept him awake all night, failing to stop himself imagining his wife in bed with another man.
"Hey."
Alicia woke up slowly and reluctantly as she was pulled into familiar arms. Familiar lips kissed the back of her shoulder, and she felt a familiar heartbeat at her back. She turned and smiled as she recognised Will's happy, sleepy face, and forgot for a moment all the things women worry about the morning after: how does my hair look, do I have bad morning breath, how do I look without my make-up on right now? He kissed her tenderly, smiled as she moaned contentedly, and wrapped the covers around them a little tighter to ward out the Chicago cold.
She looked so beautiful, bared like that.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
Alicia slowly grinned, reluctant to swell his ego by telling him just how good she was feeling right now. He grinned back, reading her thoughts. It had actually been a legitimate question. When they left the office he'd told her that she could come to his place if things turned sour with Peter, or for any other reason. She hadn't actually said anything when she arrived, she looked too emotionally drained for words. So he'd just held her for a long time, glad she was there, sad that this couldn't be easier for her. Then one thing had lead to another, and here they were.
And then she saw the clock, and suddenly felt less than good. 11am. Even the kids would be up by now on a saturday. Alicia had promised to talk to the kids with Peter over breakfast. They'd be wondering where she was...
Will read her troubled face and told himself not to feel bad about it. "Don't worry, okay? They love you, it's going to be fine." He kissed her cheek. "Do you want to take a shower before you go? I can stick some coffee on."
She smiled and nodded. "Thank you."
A little while later she came out fully dressed, hair damp, smelling of his shower gel and looking more nervous than Will had ever seen in his life. The dream-like quality of it all faded in an instant, and it hit Will just how real this was. Everything - everything - was going to change. And it was really, really scary. He put his arm round her and they sipped their coffee in silence, her cheek resting on the softness of his bathrobe.
"You were right, by the way," Alicia suddenly said, breaking the silence.
"Hmmm?"
"I could do worse."
Will frowned for a moment, and then, remembering what he'd told her when they'd gone to the hotel to get phone records, he laughed, the tension broken. She grinned as he squeezed her closer and finished off her coffee.
"Call me later, tell me how it goes?" He asked. She nodded, kissed him before heading towards the door. He followed her out into the hallway and waited with her for the elevator. When the doors pinged open, he held her hand. "If there's anything I can do, anything, tell me, okay? I'll help, I promise."
I'll work hard. I promise. I will be there. I will try... I promise.
Alicia flung her arms round him in gratitude. In that moment, she absolutely believed him: it was all going to be alright. Eventually. As she parted she resisted being a complete fool and saying something stupid, of the three word variety, and headed back.
From that moment on, the term 'home' entered a state of ambiguity.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Good Wife, and am not making any profit out of this fanfiction. Kazue Natsu-Harris, Liam Harris and Darren Blythe are my own creations.
Part II is still currently being drafted, and will tie this short up. I hope that people reading will enjoy this just as much as I enjoyed writing it, and that all those reading find themselves well.
Many thanks for reading, please review!