Disclaimer: It's not mine or else it wouldn't be called fan fiction
Hello all! I know I am being an awful author nd I haven't updated Teenage Dirtbag in forever, but I'm having a horrible case of writers block and this story just happened to pop through so I really wanted to post it up for you all to see. This is my first attempt at writing something something sad so I'd love to know what you think. This story was inspired by the song "Sophie" by Eleanor McEvoy. It's a beautiful piece of music that I think everyone should listen to.
Recommendation: Mutant Stories from the Field by Calliann : One author who has absolutely mastered the art of the sad story. This was so well written that I was in tears half way through. By the end, I could barely see the screen because my eyes were watering so bad. It is an amazing story that you all must read if. But, be warned, it is a very very sad one because it is so realistic.
Well, without further adieu, I present to you Ordinary Girl:
Rogue sat silently at the table, eyes focused on her uneaten dinner. She could feel everyone staring her and she could hear them whispering in hushed voices. She didn't look up and, for once, she didn't yell at the people who were blatantly talking about her. She just sat there, pushing the food around on her plate with one hand while the other rested beneath the table, silently flicking a small silver ring between her fingers. A small sigh escaped her lips as she pushed her chair out from the table. All conversations seemed to come to a halt as Rogue looked up to Professor Xavier.
"Can Ah please be excused, Ah'm full."
"Are you sure, child, you have hardly eaten anything." Professor Xavier responded with obvious concern.
"Yeah, Ah...um…had a big lunch."
"Well, if you are certain…"
"Yeah", Rogue replied and stood up quickly. The rest of the X-men watched in silence as she left the dining hall and disappeared in to the foyer.
------
"I'm worried about her Kurt." Kitty whispered without looking up from her plate. She felt Kurt shift uncomfortably beside her and knew that he had heard her.
"She hasn't eaten anything since he left and she keeps talking about how she will never be good enough and how she can never fit in."
"Ja, I know Kitty, but Rogue is a strong girl. I have faith in her."
"But what if she really has a problem, Kurt?" Kitty asked, turning to her furry blue friend. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. " She keeps to herself even more than usual and I always catch her staring in the mirror when she thinks I'm not looking. And she's started saying that she needs to lose weight and stop eating so much."
"You're joking, right?" Kurt replied. Kitty just shook her head in response, "But she is a twig. She doesn't have any veight to lose."
"I know, I've tried telling her that, but she doesn't listen to me. She just tells me to stop lying and points out everything that is wrong with her body. I'm scared, Kurt, I don't know what to do." Kitty said, finally letting the tears fall from her eyes. Kurt held out his arms and pulled her into a hug, allowing her to cry on his shoulder.
The other inhabitants of the room tried to ignore the private moment happening between the two friends, but it was no use. The room fell silent as people ran out of things to say. Everyone's eyes dropped to the table.
The rest of the meal was eaten in silence. Only the clanging of silverware and Kitty's muffled cries could be heard as everyone finished their food and headed off to bed for the night.
oOoOoOo
Rogue stood in the locker room, staring at the scale in front of her. She had started coming to danger room sessions earlier than everyone else so that she could have time to change in privacy and check her weight before everyone showed up.
The numbers in front of her said she had lost another three pounds this week, but she didn't believe it. She turned her head to look in the mirror and muttered in disgust.
There is no way yah've lost more weight, gal. Someone must be screwin with the scale.
Rogue kicked the machinery in frustration and slammed her locker shut as voices approached from outside. She grabbed her gloves off the bench and burst through the door, barreling into the danger room and almost taking out Jean and Ororo in the process.
oOoOoOo
"Stripes, you're too slow!" Logan shouted for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. Rogue had been getting progressively worse all week. She was barely dodging shots in time and she wasn't even attempting to fight back. It almost looked like she was trying to get hurt.
"That's it," Logan muttered to himself, "Computer, End Session!" The holographic images around him disappeared and he was met by the confused faces of the X-men who looked like they had barely broken a sweat. His eyes moved over to Rogue and he noticed that, by contrast she looked like…well, shit. Her hair had fallen out of place, she had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was paler than usual. She looked ready to collapse.
"What the hell was that?" Logan growled as he stalked towards Rogue. He saw her body stiffen as the entire room shifted to face her.
"Ah'm just havin' an off day."
"An off day? Stripes, I just watched a sentinel shoot you square between the eyes and you didn't even try to move. If it hadn't been for Half-pint over there we'd be rushing you out to see Hank right now."
"Ah'm not feelin' very good today, alright?" Rogue asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"No, it's not alright. I don't give a damn what you're feeling right now, kid. When you're in a combat situation you need to be focused on everything around you. There's not room for you to screw up! By actin' the way you just did you put the whole team in danger, yerself included."
Rogue stared at Logan a moment longer, her eyes narrowed in anger, before turning and stalking towards the door. "Open, goddamit," she screamed and it slid back with a familiar hiss that seemed to increase her frustration as she pushed past the opening, her heavy boots echoing in the silence she left behind.
oOoOoOo
Rogue sat cross-legged on her bed, staring at a photo album with blurry eyes. She couldn't help thinking that it was her fault he left. It had to have been her fault.
Silent tears streamed down her face as she turned the page. They had been so happy. Why couldn't she just be like everyone else? How could she expect to be happy when she could never touch anyone?
Ah wish Ah could just fit in. Ah'm the only person here who could never pass for ordinary. Even Kurt can go around with an image inducer on and he's fahne. But not me. There's nothing ah can do to control my powers. There will Never be
Rogue heard a knock on her door and was quickly snapped out of her thoughts. She slammed the photo album closed and tossed it under her bed just as Kitty's head phased through the door.
"Oh my God, Rogue, are you okay?" The brunette asked with concern as she phased the rest of the way into the room, bringing Kurt in with her.
"Fine." Rogue replied curtly, turning away from the door. She felt the bed shift as Kitty sat down next to her.
"Don't lie to me Rogue, you haven't been yourself since-"
"Don't say his name!" Rogue snapped, causing Kitty to jump back a little in shock.
"I wasn't going to." Kitty mumbled under her breath and the room lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Kurt shifted his weight between his feet and stared out the window. He could see that his sister was hurting, but he couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't good with this type of situation.
"So, um, do you, like, want to talk about it?" Kitty asked after a few minutes.
"There's nothin to talk about." Rogue said, still not looking at the others in the room.
"Oh come on, Rogue, like I believe that for even a second. You have been like completely depressed and moody ever since, um, he left."
"Ah'm always moody."
"Yeah, but this is like worse than normal."
Rogue brought her hands up to her face and pressed them into her eyes, trying to will the tears not to fall. She felt Kitty wrap an arm around her shoulders and she couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Ah'm trying, Kit. Ah really am, but it just hurts so much. Why do bad things always have ta happen ta meh?"
"I don't know, Rogue. I really don't know. But you know what they say, everything like happens for a reason."
"Ya, shweister, " Kurt added, finally coming over to the bed, "You may not be able to see vhy zis is happening now, but God did zis for a reason. You are a strong person, I know you can pull through zis."
"Just like promise me this Rogue, you won't hurt yourself because of this. I like can't stand to see you destroy yourself over this. Please promise me that you'll try to get through this and that you'll like come talk to me if you need someone."
"Ah promise, Kit. And Ah really am tryin. It'a just gonna take me some time to get over this."
Ah just need to make myself fit in and then it will be okay. Then Ah'll have a chance at being normal. Ah can't tell them that, though, they would never understand meh.
"Ah just need to be alone right now. Okay?" Rogue said, pushing herself away from Kitty.
"Ok, sure. You know where to find us when you like want to talk."
Rogue nodded her head and watched them leave the room. As soon as the door closed she collapsed back onto her bed and let all of her emotions flow out through her tears.
Ah'll never get over it. Never. Not until Ah can be like everyone else. Not until Ah can fit in with everyone else.
-----
"I don't believe her Kurt, she's totally hiding something from us, I can feel it!" Kitty nearly shouted as soon as the door closed behind them. She could feel the tears forming behind her eyes, a habit that had become increasingly more common in the past couple weeks.
"Ja, I know vhat you mean, katzchen, but zere is nothing ve can do if she von't let us help." Kurt replied as they walked down the hall.
"Yeah. I just wish she would talk to someone, anyone, about what happened."
"Maybe she just needs some time." Kurt said, but his words didn't sound convincing, even to himself.
"Maybe." Kitty agreed, but the tears remained.
oOoOoOo
You're never going to be like them. You're a freak, why would anyone ever want you?
Rogue stood in front of her mirror clothed in only a pair of shorts and a tank top. She didn't look like everyone else, no matter how hard she tried. It wasn't just her hair or her pale skin. It was everything.
You're going to have to try a lot harder if you ever want to look like her. She's gorgeous and skinny, why do you think he went back to her?
"Shut up," Rogue whispered never taking her eyes off the mirror. Why did she look fatter? She'd barely eaten anything in the past few weeks. When was she going to start losing weight?
You're disgusting, look at yourself. It's amazing that he could even stand to look at you as long as he did. No wonder your relationship was never physical. He was probably glad he couldn't touch you.
"I said, Shut up!" Rogue yelled and clutched at her head, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.
What's wrong, can't handle the truth? It is the truth, you know that, right? No one is ever going to love you.
"SHUT UP!" Rogue screamed as tears began to stream down her face, "Just SHUT UP."
You're not only disgusting, you're crazy too. You're actually yelling at yourself to shut up. What kind of person talks to the voices in their head?
"No, no." Rogue whispered, her body shaking with every new sob, "I don't have to listen to you. I don't."
Yes you do. And do you know why? Because I'm you. I tell you what you really think about yourself and what everyone else is thinking about you. Look again. Look at that reflection in the mirror.
Rogue turned her focus back to the mirror, but she could barely see through the tears that were now completely filling her eyes. She began to shake her head mutely back and forth, whispering incoherent thoughts underneath her breath.
LOOK AT IT! Do you see now! Do you see how disgusting you are? Can you understand why you've always been alone and why you'll always be alone? I can't even stand to look at it anymore.
Without even thinking about what she was doing, Rogue drew back her fist and shoved it through the mirror. She heard the clash of her hand breaking through the thick glass and the soft clink of pieces dropping to the carpet. She could see her hand turn red as blood began to rush out of every open wound. She was vaguely aware of the fact that it should hurt, but the pain wasn't registering in her head.
Rogue stared at the hollow frame of the mirror for a few seconds before finally losing control of herself and collapsing to the ground. She hugged her broken fist into her chest as sobs racked her body, her breath coming out in ragged gasps.
The door to the bedroom flew open and Logan rushed through. He took in the damage surrounding Rogue and the shards of glass that littered the floor.
"Stripes, what happened here?" He shouted above her sobs, but she remained oblivious to his presence as she continued to lay on the floor and sob. Logan quickly grabbed a blanket off of Rogue's bed and wrapped it around her body before scooping her up into his arms and rushing out the door.
Logan ran through the hall and down the main staircase towards the lower levels of the mansion, ignoring everyone else in his quest to help the girl in his arms. Rogue had curled herself up into a ball, here eyes squeezed firmly shut as tears continued to stream freely down her face.
Logan burst into the med bay and shouted for Hank at the top of his lungs. The doctor stepped out of his office with a folder in his hand, eyes scanning the information.
"Logan, how many times have I asked you not to…oh my stars and garters, what happened?" He asked, when he caught sight of Rogue's bloody arm.
"I don't know, Hank, I found her like this. I wanted to give her my healing factor, but it looked like she was having some problems with her mind and I didn't want to make them worse." Logan answered as he set Rogue down on one of the small hospital beds lining the wall.
"A wise idea, my friend. Our Rogue seems to have shut her own mind down some how. I believe that, had she absorbed your psyche, it would only have made things worse, but I can not be certain…"
"Enough with the small talk Hank, is she going to be okay."
"She appears to have broken quite a few bones in her hand, and she has a few shards of glass lodges in there as well, all easily removable I assure you. I should have her completely patched up within the hour. It is her mind I am worried about."
"Can you wake her up."
"I am afraid that is not my area of expertise, Logan, perhaps you should go find Charles."
"No need, Hank." The professor said as he entered the room, Kurt and Kitty following closely behind him. "Kurt and Kitty found the destruction in Rogue's room and came to me only seconds after Logan had gotten here."
"Oh God," Kitty whispered when she sight of Rogue's body lying motionless on the med bay cot. She covered her mouth with one small hand as the other reached to Kurt for support. The tears were forming again and this time she couldn't stop them.
" Katherine, Kurt, perhaps you two should leave the room for now." Hank said. Kurt opened his mouth to protest, but the professor cut him off.
"I will come and find you as soon as I know something, but I don't think it is wise for you and Katherine to stay in the room right now. I need to be able to concentrate and I can not do that with the distress both of you are feeling." Kurt nodded in understanding and whispered something to Kitty before guiding her out of the room.
"Chuck," Logan began, but the professor held up a hand to stop him.
"Perhaps it would be best if you left as well, Logan."
"I ain't leaving her alone."
"She will not be alone, Hank and I will look after her."
"But…"
"No, Logan, I can not concentrate with you in the room. If you want me to save her, you must leave her alone for now."
Logan looked like he was going to protest but he just turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.
oOoOoOo
The professor stared down at his student with sad eyes, wondering why this poor girl had to go through so much pain in her life. She had been betrayed so many times, but she somehow always found a way through it. Until now, that is.
He let out an audible sigh and placed his hands against his temples. He concentrated on entering Rogue's mind and hoped against all hope that it wasn't too late.
-----
Kitty and Kurt walked silently down the underground hallway to the main elevator. They had been waiting outside the med bay for a while, but Logan's constant pacing and growling under his breath made the two teenagers feel even more uncomfortable than they already were.
Kurt felt Kitty reach out and grab the hand hanging by his side. He turned to face her and noticed that tears were once again streaming down her face. She came to a halt where she was and looked up into his eyes.
"Oh, Katzchen," Kurt whispered and wrapped his arms around her small frame without a second though. Kitty collapsed into his warmth and allowed her sobs to take over her body. Kurt felt the tears welling in his eyes too, but this time he didn't try to stop them. It was all too real now, he couldn't deny what was happening anymore.
The couple just stood in the middle of the hallway crying into one another's arms for a friend that had been hurt way too much in her life and had never done anything to deserve it.
oOoOoOo
The professor pushed back from Rogue's bed with a sign, rubbing his hands across his face. He had been trying to access her mind for over an hour.
"It did not go well then, my friend, I take it?" Hank asked from his position across the room.
The professor shook his head in response, "I can not seem to find Rogue anywhere in her mind, Hank. She has turned it into some sort of maze that changes shape every time I try to enter it. She is purposely keeping me out and I am afraid to say that I can not break in."
"Oh my," was Hank's only response and the room fell silent. After a few minutes the professor let out a sigh and began to move towards the door.
"I am afraid it is going to take a miracle to help our young Rogue, my friend. There is nothing your medical training or my telepathy can do any longer."
With that said, the professor wheeled out into the hallway to allow Logan back into the room.
oOoOoOo
"Why are you doin' this to yourself, darlin'. You're stronger than this, dammit."
Logan growled under his breath in frustration. For the first time in his life he felt completely helpless.
I shoulda seen this coming. I shoulda done something before it got this bad.
"I'm sorry for everything, kid. I shouldn't of been so hard on ya, I shoulda helped."
Rogue was like a daughter to him. He hadn't realized how attached he had become to her until she landed herself in the hospital. He had been sitting by her bed all day and night, but nothing had changed in her condition.
"Ironic, ain't it kid? You never know what you got until someone tries to take it away from you. You'd be laughin' right now if you could see me. I keep expectin' ya to open your eyes and laugh at me for going soft."
He reached his hand out to brush a stray strand of hair from Rogue's face and felt his skin brush up against hers. There was no pulling sensation this time, though. None of that familiar feeling of being drained that Rogue's powers always brought. Logan brought his hand to lie flat on her cheek and prayed to a god that he wasn't even sure existed that something would happen. That he would feel his consciousness slipping away, but nothing happened.
"Dammit, you can't die on me like this, Rogue. I ain't gonna let it happen. Not you. Why couldn't it be anyone but you Stripes?"
Logan had shouted to Hank to come quick, but the never noticed the doctor enter the room. His attention was drawn to the monitor checking Rogue's heartbeat which had suddenly stopped beeping and was only showing a flat line.
-----
Rogue sat in the cold dark room huddled in a ball. She had her hands over her ears and was rocking back and forth. She could hear herself whispering, but even she didn't know what she was saying. The walls around her were constantly changing, but no matter what shape they took they wouldn't stop playing that memory. He was everywhere around her. His face boring into her mind as he told her that he was leaving, that he was going back to someone else.
Someone better she thought bitterly and continued moving back and forth.
She knew the professor had been in here, she could feel him trying to push against her shields and force his way into her mind, but he had just met with a constantly changing maze of memories that he could not seem to break through. That had been a long time ago, though. She wasn't really sure how long it had been. Time didn't seem relevant here. At least not now, not today.
The mental walls shifted once again, this time into the bars of a cage. The memory was still playing on the ceiling, but now Rogue was surrounded by a mob of psyches all trying to break into the prison she had forced upon herself. They were reaching through the bars, grabbing at her and shouting insults to her. She briefly wondered what had happened to the friendly psyches, but she couldn't dwell on the thought as their shouts grew louder.
Look at you in there, all alone, just like you've always been. Just like you always will be.
Take down the walls Rogue, we deserve our chance at you. It's your fault we're in here after all.
And you wonder why you can't be normal. What normal person has a mob of personalities in their head?
Just give up already. Stop trying to fight it. You're not going to win.
Rogue wimpered as she felt one of the psyches push through the bars and walk towards her. Without looking up she knew that it was him. He was always the strongest in her mind, he knew all her weaknesses and how to use them against her. His hand grazed her chin and she forced her face farther into her arms. She didn't want to see him, she couldn't handle seeing him.
He would not take no for an answer as he grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her head up. Her eyes met his and in that split second she knew that it was hopeless to fight any longer. There had been too much damage, she could never be whole again.
Keeping her gaze locked with his, Rogue let down her mental walls and allowed the darkness in.
oOoOoOo
Kitty squeezed Kurt's hand tightly as she they walked down the hallway toward the med bay. Her heart was in her throat and she could feel her cheeks wet with tears. The professor had summoned everyone down to the lower levels. It was an emergency, he said.
Kurt's head was racing with thoughts of what could have happened, always avoiding the worst possible situation. When he and Kitty finally turned the corner into the room, though, his hopes came crashing down.
Logan was sitting in a chair, his face covered by his hands, but the shaking of his shoulders was unmistakable. The Wolverine was crying. He never cried, it was just something he didn't do. At the sound of the automatic door sliding open, he looked up. The expression on his face said it all, no words were needed.
Kurt vaguely heard Kitty shriek and he watched her collapse on the floor in hysterics. He heard a bundle of activity behind him and felt other people begin to cry. Someone put a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off and walked over to the only occupied bed in the room.
No, no no, I refuse to believe it. Zere is no was zis could have happened. Mein shweister is not dead. SHE'S NOT!
When he reached the bed , he noticed that the figure laying on it was covered by a blanket. His hand crept toward the sheet, ready to remove it, but Hank grabbed him around the wrist."You do not want to do that, Kurt," Hank said and tried to pull him away from the bed, but Kurt grabbed his hand away and lunged forward. Hank grabbed him around the waist and looked him straight in the eyes.
"She's gone Kurt," He stated through tears, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we could do."
Kurt stared at Hank for another moment, trying to absorb what he had just been told. He felt like he was falling down a hole towards a dark pit. And then it came, the bottom. He looked around himself for the first time and saw the others in the room. Scott and Jean sat together in a chair, softly crying to one another. The new recruits clustered in a corner, Bobby with an arm around Jubilee and Amara huddled between Ray and Roberto. Ororo was holding onto Kitty, both of them sobbing loudly to one another. The professor sat silently in the center of the room, tears streaming down his face as he watched all of his students grieving in their own ways.
Kurt's knees felt weak beneath him. He collapsed to the floor and finally allowed himself to accept the fact that one of the X-men had died, that Rogue was never coming back, that he had the lost the only real family he had. Through his tear strained eyes he saw Logan stand up and storm out of the room, shattering the glass door with his fist on the way through.
That gesture seemed symbolic of what had just happened, but at that moment no one really noticed or cared.
Well, what did you think? For anyone who knows my writer/reader's personality you should be able to figure out who the "him" is that I alluded to, but I purposely left it open for interpretation so you can insert your own ideas as you please. I would love to know how I did and what situation you think caused Rogue to break down. Push that little purplish/bluish button and let those thoughts out. you know you want to...
Stay Classy,
Samantha xoXOxo