QUESTIONABLE ADVENTURES: A RINGWRAITH STORY
Disclaimer: Assuming these are still necessary (having been away from fanfiction for some time) I feel obliged to say that I own nothing.
I am relatively sure you were already aware of that, though.
Author's Notes: I love out of character stories. This idea recently spawned in my brain and I decided to run with it, to see where it could lead. Mind my nonsense.
1: FUND-RAISING EFFORTS, PART ONE
Before the adventures of Mr. Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship, there was a time (little mentioned in written lore), where Sauron first realized the One Ring had come out of a long hibernation. Naturally the prospect of regaining power overjoyed him, to the point of giddiness that a Dark Lord should seldom feel.
Excitement coursed through his…cornea? …and eventually into the retina…?
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Sauron realized, rapidly, that to come to power required significant effort. He also realized that building an army was a serious financial commitment.
He summoned the nine riders… the Ringwraiths…the greatly feared Nazgul… the Men in Black.
One by one they filtered into what appeared to be a fiery conference room, followed by Will Smith, who got slightly confused by the Men in Black reference and promptly excused himself.
"Attention! Attention!" Sauron called, and most of the Nine quieted. The chatter stopped in its tracks with the exception of Nazgul #6, who seemed to be nursing a mild hangover. He insisted on telling Nazgul #8 about the smokin' hot maiden he picked up at Black Gate Bar and Tavern last night; a popular hangout for many dark terrors of Mordor.
"SILENCE, FOOLS." Sauron announced, in caps lock, and finally yielded success.
Stillness fell over his minions and they waited for his instruction, eagerly. "The one ring that binds us is on the loose. I intend to find it and wield it once more. I need financial means of doing this. I leave the task to you, if you prove inept…"
"You'll do what, Master?" asked Nazgul #7 "Spank us? Oh please would you?" Nazgul #7 was, out of all his comrades, the kinky Nazgul; into chains, whips, leather, rope, paddles, masochism and Asians. By now, the rest of the Ringwraiths were used to outlandish comments of such sexual nature.
Sauron, however, was not accustomed & raised his …eye?...continuing without acknowledgement.
"If you prove inept, you shall know my wrath and it will not be amusing. Understood? I leave you now. Go forth and plot evils!"
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The conference was ended on that brief note, and the leader of the pack, Nazgul #9 immediately pounced on the mission at hand. "Let's do this shit. No fucking around, wraiths. I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED FOR THIS."
The folk of Mordor often whispered quietly of rumors that the most renowned Black Rider had a secret. He was far too…angry and hostile…far too…skilled. Whispers of using performance enhancing drugs were hushed by fear for their lives. But the rumors existed, none the less.
#9 continued his tirade. "We need to think quick. We need to think fast. Quick, someone fire off a suggestion."
No one answered.
"I SAID THINK, YOU BLOODY STUPID ASSES."
#7 chuckled at the mention of asses.
Nazgul #2 who rarely contributed to anything, spoke up, timidly "How about Wheel of Fortune?" Nazgul #2 thoroughly enjoyed game shows. Much to his surprise, so did several other Ringwraiths, including #9, who showed his enthusiasm openly.
"I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED FOR THIS. PAT SEJACK!!!!"
...
To be continued! Our nine friends venture to an unknown land to… solve word puzzles for money? Contain your excitement and fasten your seat belts....