Sam was going to have to tell Dean. He'd kept it from him as long as he could. But, he could feel the way Dean was eyeing him now, like something was off, like he couldn't be trusted. Sam had had enough of that look to last him a lifetime. Hell, ten lifetimes. He was trustworthy, for God's sake. He wasn't evil or dishonest or sneaking around.

But, he was different. Dean had sensed it. Sam had known he would. It was the main reason he'd stayed away as long has he had. Dean knew Sam too well. He could hide it from everyone else. But, the time had come. Dean was always looking at him, asking him if he was okay, telling him there was something different with him. Which, of course, there was. It was only fair to tell him. And, if Dean chose to leave, if it was too much for him to deal with, Sam supposed he could live with that.

If he were being truthful, Sam preferred the way he was now. After everything, being caged in hell, Lucifer in his skin, the whole Ruby demon blood disaster, even going back to the horror of Dean's dying, the never-ending guilt over his deal…back to dad's sacrifice, Jessica's murder…just, all of it. Sam was much happier with how things were now. Well, he couldn't really feel happiness, of course, but he remembered what it sort of felt like, and that was close enough.

Dean got out of the car when then stopped for gas. They were about an hour away from some little town where a super-charged ghost was killing kids on a playground. Sam figured it was as good a time as any to let Dean in on his little secret. If Dean chose to book, well, Sam could handle the ghost okay on his own.

Dean came out of the station's Mini Mart, and tossed Sam an orange juice and a yogurt as he got behind the wheel. Sam nodded. "Thanks."

Dean started the car and wheeled them back onto the two-lane blacktop. "How far to Sandy Springs?"

Sam looked out at the road. "About 40 miles."

Dean nodded. They drove in silence for about ten minutes. When Sam saw a sign for a scenic overlook in one mile, he decided it was time. He cleared his throat. "Hey, can you pull over at the scenic thing?"

Dean didn't look away from the road. "What? You should have gone back at the gas station."

Sam shook his head. "No, I just, I need to talk to you about something."

Dean glanced at him, but Sam turned his head to look out the window. Dean pulled off on the ramp and coasted to a stop in front of a picnic table. Sam got out of the car, looked out at the view. They were in the mountains of Pennsylvania, and there was a large valley laid out below the little grassy area bordered by a stone fence. Sam thought it was picturesque. A good place to tell his brother his big news and see how he took it. He turned, saw that Dean was already looking leery. Sam reached for a smile. "C'mon. Sit."

If this had been pre-pit, Sam would have been really nervous, filled with anxiety about Dean's reaction. But, he didn't have to live like that anymore. He sat down on the table top, put his feet on the bench. He looked out at the view, and then, over at Dean who sat beside him. "So, you're right. There is something different about me. And, I know what it is, and you aren't going to like it. But, Dean, just think about it before you say anything, okay? Don't fly off the handle, for once. Just, listen to what I'm going to tell you, and think about it from my point of view, alright?"

Dean closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "Never a moment's peace with you, huh Sam?"

Sam laughed softly. "Very true. For me, too, you know? That's why this isn't really a bad thing. Dean, my whole life, it's been about loss. It's been filled with so much confusion and anger…and just, fuckin' sadness, you know? In hell," he had to pause. Even if he couldn't feel it, he could remember it pretty damn well. He cleared his throat, pushed through the echoes of the horror. "Hell made my life look like a goddamned happy-ever-after story book. What it felt like to be there, they way Lucifer could torture me, not physically," he glanced at Dean who was looking at the ground and nodding. "I don't have to tell you about that. I mean, torture has a beginning, middle and end, right? Even when it starts up again, you know you'll eventually pass out or die. But, down there…he just really tore me up, on the inside. What he could make me feel…And, it never stopped. Never stopped. And, it wasn't even very long, turns out. I was gone, what, a week topside? That's hardly anytime at all down there, right? But, no lie, it just broke me wide open..."

He felt Dean's hand land on his shoulder and squeeze. He glanced over and Dean's eyes were filled with tears.

Sam shook his head. "No. No, don't be upset. It's over, and, actually, it's what I wanted to tell you. When I felt myself being pulled from the cage, at first, I didn't think it was real. I thought, 'wow, Lucifer's figured out a whole new game…make Sam think he's getting out, then, yank him back in…' I didn't think it was real until I was separating from Lucifer. Like, physically separating from him. And, when I was finally on one side and he was on the other, I felt something else tugging at me, like, pulling something from inside me. I was getting farther from the cage, felt like I was moving up, toward warmth and just as I was absorbing that I might really be getting out, something just popped free. Like, all the pain and fear and devastation just slipped out. I heard somebody laugh, just on the edges of my consciousness. It was Lucifer. He said, 'Perfect. Send the little shit back without the one thing he needs to feel human!'"

Sam stopped talking, remembering when he felt the essence of himself leave his body. He felt the detachment, and his mind had actually gone quiet. It was such a relief, he'd almost missed what he'd heard next. He looked away from Dean, this was the part he didn't want to tell him. But, he was done hiding it, and Dean did deserve to know. "Something, whatever had a hold of me, whispered, 'You won't miss it, Sam. You'll see. I'll take good care of it.' And, then, I slammed into the wet ground in the middle of the night in Stull Cemetery."

Sam turned his head, looked back at Dean. "But, I knew what was taken. Whoever it was that got me out of that cage, took my soul, Dean. And, to be perfectly truthful…it was kind of a blessing in disguise. Because, I don't miss it, feeling things. Think of it, no more fear or sadness or guilt. Just, nothing. I can hunt and help people and live my life without all the pain. It was weird at first, but, I've gotten used to it."

Dean sat there, on the hard picnic table and tried not to throw up. He turned away from Sam and looked out over the sunny valley stretched below. He made himself breathe deeply, stay calm. But, holy fuck! Sammy didn't have a soul. 'I don't miss it…'

That was why he wasn't Sam. That was why he stayed away for a year, not giving a shit that Dean would be grieving and going crazy thinking he was in the pit. That was why he barely raised an eyebrow when Castiel tortured a kid, or when he had to put down a baby shapeshifter.

Because he didn't feel anything. Because, he wasn't Sam.

Don't freak out…don't freak out…Dean took in a couple of deep breaths. He cleared his throat. Couldn't. He couldn't get a word past the claxon in his brain that was screaming that Sam Had Lost His Soul.

Sam sighed next to him. "I knew you wouldn't like it. I know it's weird. If you want to, you know, hunt alone, or with someone else, I understand. I mean, it's not -"

"So, how does it work?"

Sam looked at him blankly. "How does what work?"

Dean tried to focus, be coherent. Don't freak out…"So, you're still you, you have your memories and everything, you just can't feel things? Like, emotional type things?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. Like, I can remember being sad or mad or whatever, but, I can't really feel it anymore."

Dean still couldn't look at him. "And, when you die, what happens then?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't really know. Nothing, I guess. I'll just die. And, that's okay, too, I think. Just, you know, let it all end, for once and for all."

Jesus. He has no soul and he doesn't care. Thinks it's hunky dory, in fact. Dean tried to stay steady. "Who…um, who has it, do you think?"

Sam shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe whatever pulled me out? Maybe, just something that was in the right place at the right time? It's…I don't really know. Really, it doesn't matter."

Dean nodded. Well, it matters to me and I am damn sure going to find out who has it. You are not going to live without a freakin' soul, Sam. But, Sam wasn't going to want to hear that. He liked not having a soul. Because he couldn't feel the train-wreck that was his life. Well, tough shit. You are getting your soul back. I am going to get my sad, smart-assed little brother back.

None of that was going to help at the moment. Dean looked at Sam. Put on his game face. "Okay. Thanks for being honest with me. We ready to go?" He stood up, started walking to the car.

Sam came up next to him, put his hand on Dean's arm to stop him. "That's it? You're not mad or creeped out?"

Dean sighed. "Sam, I'm not happy, if that's what you're asking. But, right not we have a pissed off ghost killing kids to deal with. We'll deal with your soul-less ass later."

Sam actually almost smiled at that. "Thanks, Dean. I'm glad you're okay with this."

Dean turned away. "I didn't say that. I get why you are okay with it. Come on, let's get to Sandy Springs before any more kids die on the swing set." I have a pissed off ghost to deal with then, a soul to find.

They dealt with the ghost, and didn't get too banged up in the process. They were pulling into a hotel two days after Sam's big revelation, and Dean was finally going to have a chance to do something about it. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. The way Sam's face barely registered an expression beyond 'listening' and 'acknowledging.' Dean had thought hell had roughed him up so he was blocking what he was feeling. But, really, he wasn't feeling anything.

In a way, it was actually reassuring to Dean. Sam had been so damn cold, so un-Sam, from that first meeting back in September. Dean had thought Sam really didn't give a shit about him anymore. He'd thought the sacrifice had burned away all his feelings for Dean. But, to know it was because his soul was missing, for whatever reason, it made him feel better. Because Dean was going to find the thing that had Sam's soul, and he was going to get it back.

Dean knew of two entities that could help him. But, he had to get rid of Sam to start this hunt. In the hotel, Dean threw his bag on his bed, and watched Sam put his stuff next to the table, sit down and take out his laptop. "Case-hunting already, Sam? Don't we deserve a little break?"

Sam looked up, that dead expression on his face. "Why? Are you hurt or too tired?"

Dean sighed. "No. No, I'm great. I'm just gonna go out for a little while. Try to relax a little, you know?"

The pre-hell Sam would have raised a brow, teased him about where, and with whom, he meant to relax with. But, this Sam just nodded. "Yeah. Have fun. See you later."

Dean felt a sudden wave of sadness go through him. He hadn't realized it in all the drama and relief of Sam being back, finding out he'd escaped the pit, being back on the road. But, he really missed his brother. Not this robo-Sam in front of him, but the earnest kid with the sad eyes who tried to do the right thing even when doing everything wrong. The kid who looked at Dean for reassurance every time they were in a bind. The kid who made him laugh just by being his prissy, anal self.

Dean let the sadness pass. He was going to get that kid back. He was not going to let his brother go through life without a soul. Sam thought it was easier not to feel? Well, screw easy. Dean was going to fix this.

"Okay, see you."

As soon as he was in the car, he called for Castiel. "I need you to get your ass down here. I am not playing, I am not kidding around, I really need you to-"

He felt the tell-tale rush of air, and Castiel was in the seat next to him. Dean raised a brow. "What, am I lo-jacked or something?"

Castiel stared at him. "I carved a sigil on the trunk of the Impala. It just makes it easier to find you. It is not visible to other angels, only to me. Saves time."

Dean sighed. "Whatever. Listen, I found out what's wrong with Sam."

Castiel nodded. "You mean, his soul has been taken?"

Dean grit his teeth. "You knew?"

Castiel just stared at him.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

Castiel remained calm, lifted a brow. "I thought it was obvious."

Dean pulled the car to the side of the road. He leaned down and banged his head against the steering wheel. "No, Cas, it wasn't obvious."

"Then, how did you discover it?"

Dean looked out the window, sighed. His anger leaving, a tired sadness taking its place. "Sam told me. He's actually kind of stoked about the whole thing. He doesn't have to feel anything now, so, you know, yay!"

Castiel nodded. "I can see his point. It isn't comfortable to feel human emotions, Dean. It can be quite distressing, at times."

Dean looked at Cas, let him see all the will and determination that he had. "I'm not letting Sam live without his soul. It was taken from him without his permission, and he's going to have it back."

"I thought you said didn't want it back?"

Dean threw up his hands. "He doesn't know what the hell he's saying because he isn't Sam. He's some emotionless shell who thinks it's cool not feel sad or whatever. That's not Sam."

Castiel tilted his head. "Dean, even if you do find his soul, Sam has to want it back. You can't put a soul in an unwilling body."

Dean nodded. "You let me worry about that. Right now, we have to find whoever took it. I need you to help me do that."

"I can only help if it was an angel. Considering where it was taken, I don't think I'm going to be very useful."

"Check it out anyway. Just in case it was one of yours."

Castiel inclined his head, accepting the request. "I assume you're going to summon Crowley next?"

Dean looked back out at the road. "You bet your ass I am. That bastard has to know something."

Castiel gave what could almost be considered a smile. "Allow me to assist."

In the next breath, he heard Crowley say from the back seat, "Well, what a treat to be back in this dilapidated vehicle with two of my least favourite beings." He looked from Dean to Castiel. "Really? You're just keying in now?" He laughed. "Wow. You are one dense ass-head, aren't you Dean? It took you all this time to realize you were driving around with a soul-less little brother. Tsk, tsk. I thought you boys actually knew each other - after all you've been through."

Dean glanced at him in the rear-view mirror. "What do you know, Crowley?"

Crowley sighed. "I know an awful lot, Dean-o."

Dean raised a brow. "Really? We're going to play this game? What do you know about who took Sam's soul?"

Crowley's brows came together. "What do you mean, took his soul?"

Dean sighed. "Can we not do this? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

Crowley looked perturbed, waited for Dean to go on.

Dean spun to face him. "You really don't know what I'm talking about?"

Crowley made a face, imitated Dean's irate tone. "'You really don't know what I'm talking about?' No! I really have no idea. So, why don't you stop wasting my time and tell me just what the hell you are talking about?"

Dean glanced at Castiel. Castiel shrugged. "He appears to be telling the truth."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Oh, thank you for the ringing endorsement rumpled angel with bad fashion sense!"

Castiel looked down at himself. "This is bad fashion?"

Dean put up his hands between them. Gave Castiel a quelling look. Turned back to Crowley. "When Sam was taken from the cage, whatever had him, whatever popped him topside, took his soul just before letting him go free."

Crowley did not like the sound of that. "I hope you're joking."

Dean just gave him his I-am-not-fucking-kidding glare.

Crowley genuinely looked angry. "No one is supposed to take souls without clearing it with me, first. If what you're saying is true, I have a thrice-damned renegade on my hands. There's a lot of power in having a human soul. Someone is fucking with my hierarchy behind my back."

Dean felt a sliver of hope. "So, you'll help me find out who it is?"

Crowley looked consideringly at him. Then, to Castiel. "You're sure no angel pulled your boy free?"

Castiel thought a moment. "I am almost certain, but I will investigate."

Crowley nodded. "If it was one of mine, and I was not informed, not only of the soul-robbing, but of the initial release, then I will happily help you fry the bastard."

Dean felt a little of the weight of the last 24 hours lift. "Thank you. Really. But, no frying until we get Sam's soul back. Promise me."

Crowley looked affronted. "I? Promise you? As if I have to lower myself to make promises to a human. Not likely." Right before he disappeared, Dean thought he saw Crowley wink at him.

Castiel spoke beside him. "I will be back when I know the 'intel' you're seeking."

Dean grinned at the angel's attempt to use vernacular. "You do that. Thanks, Cas -"

But he was talking to an empty seat.

Back at the motel, Sam was sitting at the computer, a half-eaten granola bar beside a glass of water on the table. Dean tossed a bag of food at him. "Eat something will you, Sam? It's that cous-cous crap you love so much. Still warm, too."

Sam looked up. "Thanks, Dean. Not that hungry, but, maybe in a little while." He went back to his case searching.

Dean came and joined Sam at the table. He opened his bag of burger and fries. "Sam, you have to eat. Even super-robo-hunters need fuel."

Sam sighed. "I suppose you're right." He opened the bag, took out the Styrofoam container and started to eat, still paging through whatever he was reading on the computer.

And, Dean wanted to kick his own ass so hard for not noticing how different Sam was until now. True, he'd noticed he wasn't the same, but he hadn't wanted to see how cold and methodical Sam was. No, not cold, really. Just, detached. Sam wasn't mean or distant, per se. He was just, not Sam. Not emotional and guilty and wanting Dean's approval, or telling Dean to suck it or anything. Just, efficient, intelligent and unruffled.

I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.

They ate, and Dean felt the determination wash through him again. He was going to fix this.

TBC