So this is my first venture into fanfiction. (That I've dared publish) So please go easy on me. I realize it's not fantastic, but it is a little peek int eleven's mind. I wrote this ages ago, but decided to publish it now. So it's slightly AU, now. Or at least it's pre When a good man goes too war.
Disclaimer: The doctor does not belong to me, I just get to play around with hos thoughts.
Distraction.
He likes to focus on the good things. Like Amy's hugs or Rory's awkward laugh. Or River and the way she sometimes smiles at him. Not the knowing smile that he is gradually growing fonder of. But a simpler smile, that reveals more about her than she probably realizes. He likes to focus on all the crazy, new adventures, the brave humans that never cease to surprise him. He focuses on the good things, the great things, because if he doesn't, the bad things take over.
All the ones he's lost. The people he's loved. The ones who have moved on or forgotten him. And the ones he's let down. He doesn't mention them because there are far too many to mention. And how could he ever be able to explain their bravery, goodness and extraordinary greatness. Besides, remembering the past makes the future far too clear. Everyone always leaves. No matter how long they promise to stay. (Like forever)
They're supposed to leave, that's how it should be. But why should he have to think about it? It's better to live in the moment and not worry about how Amy and Rory have their own life, which will pass on very much the same without him. And now that there's a baby involved, well he doesn't have to be a genius to figure out what will happen now (even though he is). And River, well he knows how River's story ends.
He misses them. All of them. The few times he's not paying attention to his thoughts they always, always drift back to his companions, his friends. His best friends. Like Donna, fabulous Donna Noble. Who always knew just what he needed, even if he never uttered a word. Every now and then he'll almost do something stupid like show up at her door and hug her. He wants her to remember so badly, it almost physically hurts sometimes. But he realizes how selfish and utterly impossible that is. She can't remember, it would kill her. And a Donna who has forgotten him is better than no Donna at all.
He used to try and think about different outcomes, other solutions, another way to save her. And once, he got dangerously close to figuring it out. But he stopped himself, because he realized there is no point in finding a way to save her now. He can't go back. He can't fix it. He'd rather live with the fact that there was nothing else he could do, than the realization that he should have done more.
Donna promised him forever, but like so many others, she couldn't keep her promise. It wasn't her fault. It never is. But he does wish they'd stop promising him things they can't keep. He's slowly accepting that the only way to live forever is alone. Sure, there is always company along the way. Shining, wonderful companions who always manage to change his life. But in the end he still ends up alone.
So he likes to focus on the good things, the little things, the amazing things. It's the reason he revels in all the tiny, miniscule wonders of the universe. The reason why he decides to see the beauty even in the creatures who are about to kill him (of course they never succeed). It's why he loves to run of on new adventures and never look back. Because he can't let the bad things catch up with him.
His mistakes are far too many for him to even begin to atone for. And there are far, far too many people to miss. And two hearts, also means double the pain. So instead, he laughs and smiles and enjoys the wonders of life. And he tries as best he can to leave all the baggage, the bad things behind. But then again; nothing is ever forgotten, not completely.
I realize that the doctor has had countless other companions, and I am slightly biased in who I portray here (okay extremely), but this is just what came out.