He's done it again. I sighed, and put the small blue and white box in the cupboard, way in the back behind the MŸeslix. Then I went about putting away the rest of the groceries. But my mind continued to remain on that small box, hidden away in the back of the cupboard.
The first time Aya did this was about 8 months ago. He's usually the one we send to get groceries, because Omi's too young to buy alcohol, Youji ends up flirting with the cashier, and I've been deemed to clumsy (not that I mind -- grocery shopping is a bore and Aya's the only one with the patience for it).
Anyways, we were Youji was rummaging through the cupboard when he came upon the first of those troublemaking blue and white boxes.
"Ugh! Aya, you bought green jello? That's, like, the universal hospital flavor!"
Aya got this weird -- well, you couldn't really call it a look, since his face was blank, but his eyes just seemed to go blank, like there wasn't anyone home any more. He stalked out of the room.
Youji rolled his eyes. "Geez, talk about uppity. All I did was comment on the jello." He paused. "Who put jello on the list anyways?"
His ramblings faded from hearing as I left the kitchen, following Aya's footsteps.
I found him in the bathroom. Whenever he gets nervous about something, he'll wash his hands or face. He looked at me in the mirror, eyes no longer blank, but apprehensive. His hands were gripping the sides of the sink so hard his knuckles were white.
"Aya?" I inquired quietly. While we weren't as close then as we are now, I know at the time he thought of me as a closer friend than Omi or Youji. He would talk to me.
"Why did I do that, Ken? And why does it bother me so much?"
I was puzzled. When I'd left the kitchen, I hadn't even been entirely sure if Aya'd actually been upset or not. "Did what, Aya?"
"Youji's right. I bought hospital jello. Hospital jello, Ken!" He scrubbed at his face with his hands. "When did this happen? When did I start thinking about things like jello in terms of whether or not it met with hospital standards? When did I become so accustomed to pain and suffering in such a casual manner?"
I frowned. This was a rather odd thing to get so worked up about. But Aya tended to be concerned about things you wouldn't think he'd be concerned about.
I led him out of the bathroom, and sat him down on a chair in his bedroom.
"Aya, it's just jello. You probably just picked the first one off the shelf. Don't be concerned over something like that. Get worried when you bring home bandages instead of salad dressing."
Aya smiled slightly, and no more mention was made of the jello.
But then, about 5 weeks later, jello was on the list again. This time Aya was the one to find the jello in the groceries. A frown crossed his face and he threw the packet down and fled the kitchen.
Omi picked up the jello, confused.
"Ken-kun, is Aya all right?"
Youji looked at me over the tops of his sunglasses. "He's getting pretty worked up over this jello thing. You sure he isn't losing it?"
I shook my head. "He's got other things on his mind. Just don't mention jello." That sounded rather absurd, even to my ears, so I made a quick exit, looking for Aya.
He was, once again, in the bathroom. His hands were wet and he was wringing them nervously. But I could see in his eyes he wasn't nervous -- he was angry. Frustrated with himself.
"Why am I doing this? It's like I'm unconsciously trying to turn my entire life into one big hospital. Like I'm mentally preparing all of you for sickness, death." He sagged a little, and I hurried forward to catch him. He leaned into me, and I was surprised to find he was crying.
I didn't want to have to drag him all the way to his room like that, so I sunk to the floor, still supporting him. Leaning back against the door to ensure privacy, I held him in my arms and let him cry. There had to be something else bothering him besides just jello.
He stopped crying after a minute or so. He was rather embarrassed about his breakdown, but he was at last willing to open up a little. We ended up talking for almost five hours.
Since then, we've been careful. We make sure to discretely go through the bags and get the jello safely hidden before Aya sees it. I'm not sure if he knows we do this or not. He's never bought anything but green, and it still bothers him. He knows we have the jello -- he does the shopping. Sometimes we manage to get back to the store and switch it for a different color. But he's made no mention of it. That's all I can say.
So here I am, seven months later, hiding jello packages behind the cereal. You'd think we would just stop buying jello or something, but we don't. Youji still thinks the whole jello issue is weird, but I'm not telling him the real reason behind it. It's none of his business.
I think it kind of makes me love Aya even more. It makes him seem more human, and less like the ice statue he shows the world. He's got faults, he has fears, he can be irrational.
I'm helping him. I know it seems odd to say, but it's little things like that that I really enjoy. And while I'm concerned that he still gets upset about it, I'm also glad that I can make him feel better, make him feel less alone.
Neither of us are alone.
The first time Aya did this was about 8 months ago. He's usually the one we send to get groceries, because Omi's too young to buy alcohol, Youji ends up flirting with the cashier, and I've been deemed to clumsy (not that I mind -- grocery shopping is a bore and Aya's the only one with the patience for it).
Anyways, we were Youji was rummaging through the cupboard when he came upon the first of those troublemaking blue and white boxes.
"Ugh! Aya, you bought green jello? That's, like, the universal hospital flavor!"
Aya got this weird -- well, you couldn't really call it a look, since his face was blank, but his eyes just seemed to go blank, like there wasn't anyone home any more. He stalked out of the room.
Youji rolled his eyes. "Geez, talk about uppity. All I did was comment on the jello." He paused. "Who put jello on the list anyways?"
His ramblings faded from hearing as I left the kitchen, following Aya's footsteps.
I found him in the bathroom. Whenever he gets nervous about something, he'll wash his hands or face. He looked at me in the mirror, eyes no longer blank, but apprehensive. His hands were gripping the sides of the sink so hard his knuckles were white.
"Aya?" I inquired quietly. While we weren't as close then as we are now, I know at the time he thought of me as a closer friend than Omi or Youji. He would talk to me.
"Why did I do that, Ken? And why does it bother me so much?"
I was puzzled. When I'd left the kitchen, I hadn't even been entirely sure if Aya'd actually been upset or not. "Did what, Aya?"
"Youji's right. I bought hospital jello. Hospital jello, Ken!" He scrubbed at his face with his hands. "When did this happen? When did I start thinking about things like jello in terms of whether or not it met with hospital standards? When did I become so accustomed to pain and suffering in such a casual manner?"
I frowned. This was a rather odd thing to get so worked up about. But Aya tended to be concerned about things you wouldn't think he'd be concerned about.
I led him out of the bathroom, and sat him down on a chair in his bedroom.
"Aya, it's just jello. You probably just picked the first one off the shelf. Don't be concerned over something like that. Get worried when you bring home bandages instead of salad dressing."
Aya smiled slightly, and no more mention was made of the jello.
But then, about 5 weeks later, jello was on the list again. This time Aya was the one to find the jello in the groceries. A frown crossed his face and he threw the packet down and fled the kitchen.
Omi picked up the jello, confused.
"Ken-kun, is Aya all right?"
Youji looked at me over the tops of his sunglasses. "He's getting pretty worked up over this jello thing. You sure he isn't losing it?"
I shook my head. "He's got other things on his mind. Just don't mention jello." That sounded rather absurd, even to my ears, so I made a quick exit, looking for Aya.
He was, once again, in the bathroom. His hands were wet and he was wringing them nervously. But I could see in his eyes he wasn't nervous -- he was angry. Frustrated with himself.
"Why am I doing this? It's like I'm unconsciously trying to turn my entire life into one big hospital. Like I'm mentally preparing all of you for sickness, death." He sagged a little, and I hurried forward to catch him. He leaned into me, and I was surprised to find he was crying.
I didn't want to have to drag him all the way to his room like that, so I sunk to the floor, still supporting him. Leaning back against the door to ensure privacy, I held him in my arms and let him cry. There had to be something else bothering him besides just jello.
He stopped crying after a minute or so. He was rather embarrassed about his breakdown, but he was at last willing to open up a little. We ended up talking for almost five hours.
Since then, we've been careful. We make sure to discretely go through the bags and get the jello safely hidden before Aya sees it. I'm not sure if he knows we do this or not. He's never bought anything but green, and it still bothers him. He knows we have the jello -- he does the shopping. Sometimes we manage to get back to the store and switch it for a different color. But he's made no mention of it. That's all I can say.
So here I am, seven months later, hiding jello packages behind the cereal. You'd think we would just stop buying jello or something, but we don't. Youji still thinks the whole jello issue is weird, but I'm not telling him the real reason behind it. It's none of his business.
I think it kind of makes me love Aya even more. It makes him seem more human, and less like the ice statue he shows the world. He's got faults, he has fears, he can be irrational.
I'm helping him. I know it seems odd to say, but it's little things like that that I really enjoy. And while I'm concerned that he still gets upset about it, I'm also glad that I can make him feel better, make him feel less alone.
Neither of us are alone.