The thunder boomed overhead, and the lightning streaked across the sky in an eerie dance that put me on edge. Even in the warm, safe environment of the Gryfindor common room, the storm was a reminder of the life I once had - of the times when my entire family had been together; before that awful night in the lake house. Before the lightning hit the tree outside.
"Hey, Evans.' I jumped when I heard my name being addressed. My knuckles, already white, clenched the cover of my book even tighter. I looked up to find that the speaker was the one person that I really didn't want to see.
I nodded my head. I was going to be polite tonight, as the universe had decided that the three-year anniversary wasn't going to be enough without the storm reminding me even more of what I had lost. I didn't need any more Karma coming back around. I'd had enough of it coming back and biting me in the ass.
I guess Potter had noticed the look in my eyes, because his own hazel ones grew concerned. "Are you okay?" He asked. He didn't know, no one knew. I pretended that everything was okay. I stayed at Hogwarts for all the holidays making up some story that my family was traveling or I had to study. In the summer, when I slept at friend's houses, I never gave any hint that something was wrong.
I nodded again. There was no way that I could even try to speak. I knew that my voice would crack and contradict anything I tried to say. My voice would give me away, and the whole game would be done. I couldn't let anyone know, I wouldn't be able to take any pity in their gaze.
I dropped my head back to my book, but I wasn't reading it. The words would float off the page, and the letters rearranging themselves in a way that mocks me.
"Your not. Don't lie." Potter's voice broke through my reverie.
I looked up and stared at him. He looked genuinely worried about me. I knew about his infatuation with me, please, I wasn't stupid, plus our screaming matches were legendary. But I had always thought that he was joking around, trying to be funny for his friends. The expression in his eyes was so deep and real that the dam holding back my tears finally broke. I felt my eyes grow wet and I bowed my head trying to mask them. I was ashamed of crying in front of him. I was supposed to be strong for my parents. No one was supposed to know.
"Lily," His voice now questioning and uneasy. He probably didn't know how to handle my crying. All I ever did was scream and yell at him. This was probably the first time I'd done anything else.
I felt the couch dip down as he sat beside me. I sniffed trying to hold back my emotions. His arms wrapped around me, surprising me, and pulled me in to a hug. I felt, for the first time that day, something other than sadness. I let myself be held and he rocked me back and forth, murmuring in my ear trying to comfort me. Yet, it was when he said that 'everything would be okay,' I jerked away.
"Everything isn't okay." My voice cracked.
"But it will be." He said with such certainty that I almost believed him. I knew though, I knew that nothing would ever be okay again.
"It is never going to be okay again. Never. Not in ten minutes or ten days or ten months or ten years. Not ever. I'm never going to get them ba-" I broke off. I almost let slip the reason and I had get the secret so well for five years. "Go enjoy your spring holiday. I want to be alone." My hysterics and tears must have scared him because he left without a fight. And I was alone, again, just like I always will be.
I woke up the next morning in my dorm, on top of my covers; I was still in my uniform. It had been the last day of actual class before the spring holidays. I hadn't been able to find the strength to care to change like everyone else had.
I pushed myself up onto my elbows and glared at my alarm clock. I had only fallen asleep at six in the morning and the glowing number cheerily told me that it was ten a.m.
I collapsed back onto the bed and rolled off. I picked up a clean towel. The bathroom would be clear. Everyone else in the dorm left for home already, they had families to go back to and visit. I needed the steam of a hot shower to cure how red and puffy my face was.
I walked in and turned the water up as high as it would go. I didn't turn it down until it burned my skin. I showered slowly and lazily; I was in no real hurry to face the rest of the world yet. Though, everyone should have left earlier for home. I finally had to admit defeat when I ran out of things to do. I shivered when I stepped out and wrapped myself in my towel.
My trunk was already open when I got into the dorm, sat on top were old pictures of my family. I smiled sadly. My sister and I were hugging in bathing suits in front of a lake in one; my parents were holding hands and laughing together in another. It made me sad to remember again, that my life would never be the same. I had spent a long time keeping my secret and it was a heavy burden.
I felt my wet hair dip down my back and arms. I picked up my brush and was just parting my hair when I heard someone clearing his or her throat. Potter was sitting on my bed. Just sitting there like this was his dorm room and he had every right to be there. A kind of strangled squeak came out of my mouth in surprise.
"I didn't mean to startle you. Nor did I know that you would be just getting out of a shower," he had the decency to look sheepish. I think my eyes were as wide as saucers. I wanted to yell at him, I did, but I couldn't find the effort to. I decided to go with a resigned sigh.
"What are you doing here, Potter? I think you should go."
"I wanted to ask what was with you last night. I left you alone then, but I was hoping you were better after you got some sleep." He wanted to know. He was starting to pry and that was what I wanted to avoid the most.
"You need to go. Now." I said a little sterner.
"But I-" He started and I cut him off.
'No, no 'but I's', this isn't about you and what you want. This. Is. Not. About. You. It is not always about you. Right now, you have to leave and leave me alone. You should be home on break. I was going to be the only one here and I could spend it wallowing in my own misery. Right now, this is about me and myself. Please let it be for once." I turned around and went back into the bathroom, leaving him sat on my bed a bit dumbstruck.
With the door firmly closed, I put my back against it and slid down to the floor. I put my face into my hands and tried to hold back the tears that I knew were going to come at some point.
There was a knock on the door. I ignored it. Potter's voice came through, though this time it was quiet and a bit timid; the way that I never thought I'd hear his voice sound.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I brought you some breakfast and I left it on your nightstand. I'm going." I heard the footsteps walk away and the door open and close. It was quiet. I sat for a little while longer and let some of the tears go. I was no longer just crying for my lost family.
I refused to let people in. I never let myself trust anyone and people noticed. Therefore, they never trusted me fully either. They acted like friends, but they didn't care that much. I never had someone bring me breakfast and make sure I was okay; or, at least, not since Mum died. The fact that Potter cared that much surprised me, and I felt the ice I surround myself with crack a little bit.
I stood and wandered back into the dorm. I looked at my nightstand and saw the breakfast that was left for me. Tea and French toast and fresh fruit all my favourites. I tasted the tea and found that it had the perfect amount of sugar in it, plus it was peppermint. The kind I always drank when I got too stressed. I was blown away about the detail there was in this simple meal. I loved fresh fruit and ate it whenever I could. It reminded me of my childhood. Dad always made sure that we had fruit in the house.
I ate the breakfast and got dressed. Even though it was spring, I was still in Scotland. I wore jeans and a jumper. I needed to go find Potter. I had some thanking to do.
I found him – eventually. He was in the astronomy tower. Just sitting on the edge staring into space. I thought that he would be home for Spring Break, most everyone else was. I think Black stayed back too if Potter had. I'd heard the Potter's had taken Black in. I wasn't sure why though. It wasn't my business, and I was not one to pry.
I sat next to Potter on the edge. He only had a t-shirt on so I wasn't sure how he wasn't freezing. He ignored me for the most part. Only barely looked up when I sat down. He didn't try to talk or touch me or anything. Just sat there and continued to look out at the landscape. I liked it this way. I had time to gather my thoughts and think about what I wanted to say; I had most of it planned out though.
I opened my mouth to start, but nothing came out. I opened my mouth again. I exhaled and closed it. It's so hard to speak about something that's been hidden for five years.
"I – I – thanks. I guess is what I'm trying to say. Nobody's cared that much about me in a really long time. Thanks." I felt the words come tumbling out and I rethought what I said. It appeared that I had formed coherent sentences, but I wasn't too sure about that. Potter didn't respond. I looked at him, really looked at him, and noticed for the first time his expression. This time, it was him who was close to tears. I didn't have the slightest clue on how to proceed. It was my turn to try and comfort him.
"I uh, uhm, Potter? Are you… okay?" He didn't respond. "Potter? Potter…? Er… James? You alright?" When I called his first name was when I finally got a response. All he did was nod. And I felt myself become very aware of this situation happening before, only reversed. I, however, was not going to be as nice; he was clearly not okay and I wanted to do for him what he had done for me.
"Bullshit." His head whipped around inhumanly fast. The look of pure anger that began to grace his features actually frightened me a little, but I was Lily Evans and he was James Potter and this was nothing new to us.
"You want to be a smart arse about it? Fine. Shortly after trying to make you feel better I went back down to breakfast. I got an owl with the morning post. Sirius is at the castle, Remus and Peter only just left, so they wouldn't have any news to tell me, and my parents already wrote this week. There is literally no one left who would send me post. It wasn't my owl, nor anyone's I could recognize. You want to know why?" He paused breathing heavily. I could only stare back with wide eyes.
"It was a Ministry owl, that's why. All they sent was a letter offering me their deepest condolences. That's it. I'm the only one left and all I got was a bloody letter informing me. They're gone, and I have a piece of fucking paper." He stopped and his breathing was ragged. He then turned away from me and his shoulders started to shake.
The infamous James Potter was crying. I was shocked into immobility. It was only when I heard the sharp intake of breath that I was able to move again. I knew what I had to do and it would involve the very thing that I dreaded the most, but it had to be done.
"I want to tell you that it gets easier with time. It doesn't, not really. I mean, after a while you learn to get on without them. Waking up in the morning gets easier and pulling yourself through the day gets better. It never goes away completely though. The thought that everyday something happens that you want to tell them is always there. But, eventually, you learn to live again. And you will." I got it out in the most soothing voice I could muster.
"How the bloody hell would you know? You don't know anything at all." His voice cracked and wavered and the anger was still there.
I took a deep breath and began, "When I was thirteen, my family rented a house by a lake for the spring break. My sister and I had already grown apart too much, and our parents were trying to make us get along again. We both had known it wasn't going to happen." My voice was shaky now. "During the first night, it was storming, just like it was yesterday. I was in the bedroom set aside for me, my sister in hers. My parents were still in the living room. They were enjoying the storm and the fire that they had gotten started. There was a huge crack, and next thing I know, lightening had struck a large tree outside. The tree fell and it fell directly into the living room." I took a deep breath. James was staring at me. "One minute I had a family. We were dysfunctional, sure, but we were a family. So, one minute I had a family. And the next, I was an orphan with only my sister left." The tears dripped down my face, but I had to keep going.
"I was thirteen. Thirteen years old and I became an orphan. My sister still blames me for it. When we heard the crash, we both ran out. She was screaming at me to help. 'Use your magic' she said, 'Use your magic'. She had no idea that I couldn't. I might have been able to move the tree, but I couldn't move. My brain couldn't register it.
"So when I say that it doesn't really get easier, I mean it. But waking up does get easier, and you'll find that there really is a reason to live. You'll find that you will miss them constantly. And you'll find that it's hard. That's as far as I have gotten, anyway. Maybe you'll do better than I have. You're stronger than I am. You will learn to live again."
I stood brushed off the seat of my pants and turned to leave. I had only made it as far as the door when I heard his voice call out quietly.
"Thank you." It was still broken with tears, but it had a renewed sense of strength about it. He will make it through this; I know he will.
"Your welcome," came my reply and I left. He might need some time to think. I did.
I had left the astronomy tower four hours ago. I had returned to my dorm, lay on my bed, and proceeded to stare at the ceiling since. I was happy to stay like that for the rest of my life, but my stomach had other ideas. I concluded after the tenth time my stomach rumbled that I needed to get some food. The kitchen sounded like a lovely idea.
I entered the kitchens, placed an order, and went to sit at one of the tables. I was surprised to see that I was not the only one here. James was already occupying a spot. I sat opposite him, but made no move to speak and neither did he at first.
"They told me to stay at Hogwarts this break. They said that it was too dangerous for me to go home. That they just wanted me to be safe. I told them that I would be fine. I just wanted to see them again. One more time before we all go home for summer holiday. They wouldn't let me. They insisted I stay, so I did. Look how this ended up."
I didn't have a response for him, so I kept quiet.
"I should have fought more. I should have been more persistent. If I had gone home though, I would be dead too. It was that madman. You know, Lord whatever. They were being 'threatening'. They were retired aurors. They weren't even active anymore. He killed them anyway."
"I am so sorry." That was all that I could think of to say.
"Are you sure that it will get easier? Because I really cannot fathom going on living right now."
"Yeah," I didn't hesitate this time. "Yeah, I'm sure."
It was quiet for a while. My food came, I ate, and it went again. The time passed in silence. James eventually spoke up again.
"You said you were thirteen," he paused. I nodded. "What have you done for the past three years?"
"I've gotten by." That was the short answer.
"Where have you lived?" Another question.
"Anywhere I could." I answered truthfully. He seemed to ponder that for a while.
"I'll see you around, then." He got up and left. That was the last I saw of James Potter that day.
It was the next day before he found me again. I was sat by the fire in the common room, still trying to absorb the information from the past few days. He took up a space on the floor next to me.
"It's still hard. I thought you said it would get better." He didn't say it accusingly. He said it in a soft, beaten down voice.
"I said it would take time." I corrected in a gentle tone. He sighed heavily and leaned against me. I opened my arms and hugged him. I needed it as much as he did.
"Thank you. I would not have made it through yesterday without your help." He admitted.
"Your welcome. Besides, you helped me first." I reminded him.
"So I did. That is what friends are for." I realized the truth of his words when he said them. We were friends. "If you need somewhere to stay this summer, then I have an entire estate that just became almost completely empty. You can stay with me." I almost immediately declined, but he wasn't offering it in a sexual or romantic way. He was simply being my friend.
I wasn't in love with him in that moment or anything. I wasn't going to kiss him or marry him. We were friends. That would have been hard to admit last year or even last week, but we were friends. And I was okay with that.
"Yeah, I think I will."
This thing has been on my bloody computer for the longest time. It was a nice way to get back into writing though. Please don't kill me for not updating anything in the longest time. School is hard and life has been too. Let me know what you think of this, leave a review or something. Also, I'm sorry that the title is rubbish. I'm sorry that this whole fic is rubbish.
- Back once again, BlackCatPen.