A/N: This is not my first fan fiction though it is my first NCIS story and the first i've written in quite some time. For some reason I felt like writing angst, but im not sure if i've done the best job. Well... happy reading anyhow!
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. Except an NCIS special agents hat and seasons 1 through 5 on DVD.
Never.
A definite word. A definite meaning. Leaving no room for argument or interpretation.
"I never want to see or hear from you again" is synonymous to not at all, not ever, under no circumstances – and I can't help but wonder if my present circumstances are included.
If taken literally – which I will freely admit, I am prone to do – my circumstances change nothing, his wishes were made loud and clear, but my heart screams that he has a right to know, he would want to know.
It was all one gigantic mistake.
My mistake.
I was the one who turned up on his door step that night. I was scared, the dreams kept coming and I went to him for comfort.
I was the one who made the first move, in my fear and need of security, I kissed him and allowed it to escalate far beyond what either of us had intended when he had opened the door that night.
I was the one who left the next morning without so much as one word. I was the one who proceeded to ignore his phone calls all morning until he inevitably trapped me in the elevator as we came into work.
I was the one who told him that it should never have happened and threw his words in his face "fraternisation in the workplace, that's never a good thing". I was the one who decided to punish him for "taking advantage" of me when I was vulnerable, by being cold and selfish and generally unpleasant through the course of our new case.
I was the one who eventually hammered the last nail into the casket of our partnership when Gibbs called us into his office at the end of the investigation, demanding to know why it seemed that his two best agents couldn't work together efficiently anymore. I kept quiet when Tony revealed that we had broken "rule 12", that he was the one finding it hard to keep his feelings out of the work place, and thought it best if he were transferred to another team. I was the one who, when asked if I agreed, looked Gibbs in the eye and answered Yes.
Two weeks later, the team was told that he had been promoted and was moving to San Diego to lead a team of his own. I sat and watched him pack his things, then ran after him just as the elevator doors were closing. He looked at me with nothing but contempt as he asked me what I could possibly want from him. I told him I was sorry as we rode the elevator down to the parking garage together for the last time, I told him that I would go to Gibbs and tell him the truth and that I would leave. He looked at me then and laughed
"Where exactly would you go Ziva? You just became a probationary agent, under an extremely volatile situation. If it hadn't been for Gibbs, you would have no place in NCIS. I've always wanted my own team, and what do you know? They must think I'm ready."
And with that the doors dinged open and he proceeded to walk to his car. I followed behind, grabbing his arm to stop him from walking away from me
"Tony please…"
He turned around quickly then, a look of pure anger on his face
"Look Ziva, save it. I don't give a damn what you have to say. Frankly, I never want to see or hear from you again. Have a good life." and with that he was gone.
It was 4 weeks later when I realised that what couldn't possibly happen to me, was happening to me. I grabbed a test that afternoon and sure enough two blue lines confirmed my suspicion. I went to my doctor and it was confirmed beyond any doubt that I was six weeks pregnant with Tony's child. And here I sit now, on my couch grasping the telephone, wondering if he really meant Never.