Alex traced random patterns gently on the hand draped protectively around her waist. The night was quiet and still. Moonlight had filled the room giving it a soft glow. She could hear Sean's steady breath and feel the warmth of his body as he slept soundly next to her. She carefully lifted his hand so that she could turn herself around to see his face before settling his hand back down on her waist. He looked so peaceful and relaxed she thought. So very different from what he looked like this past month. She reached up and brushed his hair as her hand settled gently on his neck.
She thought back to last week Wednesday. It was the day of Sean's funeral. His sisters had insisted and fought for him to be buried with full military honors next to his mother. She sat in the first row between his sisters and his cousins. She saw all his SEAL teammates as well as countless friends and extended family. To them, the rumors of treason and misdeeds were blatant lies. To them, he was and always would be the loyal friend, the loving brother, the doting uncle and the consummate SEAL-teammate. They loved him as much as he loved them. They were decent, hard working, honest people. They didn't deserve to have him taken so suddenly from their lives.
As the ceremony progressed, she felt increasingly responsible for their collective grief. She was the reason for their pain and suffering. She had taken him from them and left him with nothing but shame. In one swift stroke, Sean's life as he had known it and lived it was gone forever. Every time she thought about it, it tore her apart a little more inside. The true sadness of it didn't hit her until the honor guard started playing taps and she watched in a blur as his sisters cried and his SEAL team buddies left small mementoes on his tombstone. She fought back tears when she saw his nephews each leave a single red rose on his coffin. She shuddered when the guns went off in the distance.
It was only towards the end of the ceremony that she realized that this could have been real. Sean could have actually died from Amanda's sick and twisted plan. Her heart dropped straight to her stomach and her eyes welled with tears when she thought back to that terrifying minute in the morgue when she thought she had lost him for good. She knew now she wouldn't have survived that. She had practiced with Birkoff over and over again to ensure that nothing went wrong when she revived him but all that went out the door the moment she unzipped his body bag and saw his pale and cold face. All she could feel was panic and terror when she saw his lifeless body and all she could see was blackness as the seconds ticked by and he remained motionless on the gurney. Sheer relief flooded her when he took that first breath. She didn't know whether to cry or laugh as she clutched him close to her.
She got lucky that time. But, what about the next time? Amanda wouldn't stop her assault on them. Michael, Sean ... Amanda would take everyone that meant something from her and Nikita just to teach them a lesson. Her father had always warned her about people like Amanda. He insisted that forming attachments to people would weaken her, make her vulnerable to attack by her enemies. She had taken her father's words to heart and had built walls around her to protect herself. By the time she had met Sean, she had been alone and afraid for so long that she didn't think there would have been a chance for her to be normal. That is until he started relentlessly chipping away at her defenses until one day she realized that he was more important than her walls.
Her thoughts came rushing back to the present as Sean shifted in his sleep. She smiled as he instinctively pulled her closer to him. She gently slid her hand down his chest to where she could feel his heart beat. She shook her head as she thought of the first time they had met. She had pulled his own gun on him and in response, he had a pressed a knife to her throat. Really not the start of a healthy relationship. But, she was so bent on revenge and fueled by rage that she didn't even acknowledge him as anything other than another obstacle on her path to killing Semak.
She didn't even know when he had changed from being her obstacle to being her friend. Was it when a Division agent went down on a mission and Amanda had written her off without a second thought? She remembered how angry he had become when he found out how disposable Division's agents were. He didn't even know the agent but he was willing to risk his life to save her. No one in Division would have done that. If not for him, she didn't think she would have done it either. What kind of man lived by that code anymore she thought?
Or was it when he offered her back her father's watch? It meant nothing to him but everything to her. The concern in his voice for her was real. She could see the worry in his eyes when she outlined her plan to re-enter Russia as a sex slave. She could feel his anxiety when she told him her plans to kill Semak. He even made her call him after she slipped into the country. Friends worried about each other like that, right?
Or maybe it was when she caught him on the beach about to target Nikita? They had knocked him out cold after he barely put up a fight with her. They had dragged him inside for interrogation afterwards and learned of his mother identity and his real mission at Division. He had befriended her and used her to get to Nikita. She was hurt and angry with him. He had betrayed her. But then he reluctantly confirmed he had launched a single man assault because he didn't want to see her get hurt. Why would he have cared if she had gotten hurt?
A cold breeze blew through the window making her involuntarily shudder. Sean shifted in response and lazily opened one eye. "Hey," he said softly. "Everything okay?"
She smiled at him and moved to run her left hand through his short hair. "Yeah, everything's good," she replied in a whisper. "Go back to sleep."
He opened his other eye and stretched before he bunched his pillow up to prop his head. "Can't sleep?" he continued quietly as he focused on Alex's face.
"Just thinking," she said as her hand rested on his warm chest.
Gently taking her hand in his and bringing it up for a soft kiss, he continued, "A penny for your thoughts?"
Alex smiled briefly at his comment. She was quiet before she continued. "I was thinking about last Wednesday," she said softly.
Sean looked at her quietly. He knew that attending his funeral had disturbed her more than she let on. He was still trying to wrap his head around the idea and it must have been so awkward for her to be among his family and friends without him. It really wasn't the way he had ever imagined introducing Alex to his family. He had asked her about it afterwards and she had dutifully told him everything that happened but he thought she had left something out. Something that was important.
"My funeral," he said as casually as possible still holding her hand.
She looked back at him searching his eyes for any signs of resentment and judgment but only found love and concern. "I realized then what I made you give up. Your friends, your family, your teammates. There was so much love there that day. They all loved you and missed you so much," she paused to compose herself. "I ... I never had any of that ... ever. I'm so sorry Sean. I never wanted any of this to happen to you. You deserve so much better," Alex continued as she fought back her emotions. "You deserve better than me," she added in a whisper.
He looked at her quietly and shook his head as if in defiance. "Hey," he said softly. "I made the choice, not you, okay? You gave me a choice and I made it. It's on me," he said trying to lessen the guilt he knew she was feeling. Even at what was probably the worst moment of his life, Sean had tried to understand and comfort her. That only made Alex feel even worse.
"But, you shouldn't have had to make the choice in the beginning if I had just ... just let you go," she said with tears as she pulled her hand away from his warm embrace and turned her face away from him in shame. "I'm not worth it," she sobbed out.
Sean softly cupped his hand on her wet cheek. He gently turned her head so that she was looking at him again. He brought his other hand up to frame her face and wiped away her tears with his thumbs. His voice was gentle when he spoke, "Do you remember that time I found you in the basement when Percy wired money to you to fund your Russia trip?"
She looked at him through blurry eyes and her brow furrowed in confusion. "Yes," she answered slowly. "You covered for me with the guards. I never understood why." She sniffled.
He gave a crooked smile before he continued. "I was, ah ... trying to ... " he trailed off.
"Trying to what?" she replied still confused as she brushed a hair away from her face.
"Seduce you," he finished with an embarrassed look.
"What?" Alex retorted completely caught off guard by his confession. She bolted up tugging half the blanket off a surprised Sean.
"Uh, yeah," Sean confirmed with a wince as he watched her guilt instantly replaced by shock, disbelief and then anger. For a brief moment, he was sure that he had made a fatal mistake in his attempt to distract her from her self-loathing with the truth about his seduction. He shook his head. He should have just told her one of his stupid jokes. That would have been way less dangerous because that's what it started to feel like as she turned her anger on him.
Alex narrowed her gaze and looked at him. "So your oh-so-awkward 'kiss-me' comment was your attempt at seducing me?" she said with a bite in her tone. She was more than a little agitated and annoyed with him at this point.
He thought that as a SEAL he was tough and fearless in any and all situations. But when it came to her, one look from her could either melt his heart or make him squirm. This time it was the later of the two. Maybe it was a good thing he wasn't a SEAL anymore because how tough would he be if one look from her could undo him? He sat up and winced again as he ran his hand nervously through his hair before answering her. "I needed to get the Black Box. And because Nikita had it, I needed to get to her. To get to her, I needed ..."
"I get it," Alex replied angrily as she cut him off. "Why are you telling me this now?" she said as a million thoughts ran through her head.
He sighed. "I don't want any secrets between us, Alex. This thing between us ... is too important to mess up," he pleaded. "I've given up everything I am and everything that matters to me to be here with you." He looked down at the sudden space between them and said, "I can't live my life on a lie. I told you I'd tell you anything you want to know and I'll keep that promise. I won't lie to you ever again. I need this to be real. I may have started not knowing what the hell I was doing but I know exactly what I want now. I want you, if you'll have me." He reached up and gently cupped her face with his left hand. "I love you."
Her face softened as she looked at him. He could be maddeningly stubborn, irritatingly righteous and steadfastly moral sometimes. But tonight, he was none of that. Tonight he was thoughtful, loving and honest. She had never met such an infuriating man. He drove her absolutely crazy. She sighed in exasperation as her bravado and anger seeped out of her like air out of a ballon. She brought her right hand up and gently covered his hand on her face.
"So am I forgiven?" he asked hesitantly.
She arched her brow in response. "Not so fast, sailor," she said. "No more lies, you said?"
He furrowed his brows as warning bells rang in his head. He knew that look on her face. He knew that tone in her voice. This was going to be a long night. Alex was on a mission and when she was this focused, he knew that nothing would stop her. If he wanted any kind of future with her, he would have to come clean about everything. He just hoped that at the end of the night, he would still be in one piece.
He nodded confidently before replying, "I'll tell you anything you want to know."
"Fine," she said with determination. "Who's idea was it to seduce me?"
"Wow, okay. Start with the big guns huh?" he laughed nervously.
She glared at him.
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Um, okay ... it was my idea."
"Nikita sent you to Russia to be my bodyguard after I came out as Alexandria Udinov. She was worried about Semak and what Gogol would do. Why did you stay with me after Ari killed Semak? Why did you help me find my Mom?" she fired off at him.
"Because I was worried about you. About what Semak and Gogol would do to you. I helped you with your Mom cause it was the right thing to do," he answered honestly.
"Did you think helping me with my Mom would score you points? Make me trust you more?"
"What?" he asked with disbelief. "You're not hearing me. I helped you because I wanted to," he said in exasperation.
"I hear you loud and clear, Sean. I just want to know which parts were for show and which parts were real," Alex replied still agitated.
Sean shook his head. This was spiraling out of control. He had to flip this situation around or she would never speak to him again. "Look, remember when I got shot and you pumped way too much morphine in me?" he asked with a pleading look. "Remember what I said to you when I was stoned?"
"What about it?" Alex replied annoyed that he had changed the subject. She was suppose to be the one asking questions not him.
"I meant every word I said. I think you're amazing, one of a kind. After all you went through, you stayed strong, you kept your heart," Sean said truthfully as he caught her eye. "There's nobody like you, Alex."
She involuntarily blushed at his words and looked down allowing her hair to fall and cover her face. She didn't know how to respond to him then and she didn't know what to say to him now. Growing up as a sex slave had afforded her little opportunity to be admired let alone flattered so she felt like a duck out of water every time Sean said things like that to her.
Sean watched as her body language changed before his eyes. He wondered how could someone so strong and fierce could be so vulnerable and uncertain at the same time. She was like an onion. No matter how many layers he peeled off, there were always more layers underneath. He loved all her layers but would he ever understand her completely? Would she ever let him in completely?
"Hey," he said softly as she finally looked up. "You okay?"
She nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm good," she said quietly. "It's just that I don't ever want to feel like I did when you gave me an ultimatum and then left. To care about someone and then have them ... leave." She absently twisted the corner of her blanket into a tight wad.
"I may need some time to deal with what Amanda did to me and to come to terms with not being a SEAL ever again but I swear that that will never happen again. I promise, Alex. You never left me once. You took care of me when I got shot and you were there for me when I woke up as a 'recruit.' I know it hasn't been easy for you. I'm sorry for all the grief and hurt I put you through. I'm sorry for letting you down, Alex," Sean finished with sincerity.
Alex twisted one of her rings in a nervous circle as she contemplated her next words. "What I said to Owen the other day ... about the meaning of my butterfly tattoo," she paused to look up at him. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Sean. It just came out. It doesn't mean anything. It's just that Owen's been through a lot and he's almost as messed up as I am. He knows what it feels like to feel unworthy," she said the last word quietly.
"Unworthy of what?" Sean asked with a furrowed brow. The mention of Owen had made his stomach twist in a tight ball but he held it together. Sean didn't like him. He didn't know if it was because he was annoyed about the easy banter between them or just plain jealous of how relaxed and open Alex seemed around Owen. Or maybe it was both. He was confident of his feelings towards Alex but not hers for him. She'd never really expressed her true feelings to him.
"Of love," Alex whispered.
Sean remained silent, confusion still clouding his face.
Alex took a deep breath and steadied herself. "I've never felt worthy of your love," she admitted with a shaking voice. "I'm stubborn, pushy, short-tempered, insecure and damaged. It's no secret that I've got some serious baggage," Alex finished.
"You forgot beautiful, strong and ridiculously rich," Sean added casually.
"I'm serious, Sean," Alex countered.
"I am being serious, Alex," he said softly as he gently took her hands in his. "Look, that's what you see when you look in the mirror. That's not what I see. I see a beautiful butterfly that's taken the second chance at a life that she's been given and making the best of it."
Alex teared as she watched Sean kiss her hands gently. "You're part of the second chance I've been given," she said as he wiped the tears from her face. "I know I've never told you how I feel. It's just really hard for me to do. I've never been in a normal relationship. I don't know what to expect, how to react. You keep telling me you love me but inside I don't even understand how you can love someone as messed up as me. I keep thinking I'm not good enough for you. Now that you're in Division, it's even worse because its like you've got no choice but to stay with me," she spilled out with emotion.
Sean shook his head adamantly. "Is that what you really think? That just because I'm stuck here I feel obligated to be with you?" He let out a long breath. "Yeah, I'm less than thrilled that I'm stuck here but you're the one bright spot in this entire dismal place. You're the one that's keeping me going. And what happened with Owen ..." Sean rubbed his forehead trying to find the right words.
"It won't happen again," Alex said as she watched him struggle with his emotions.
"I know. It's just ..." he trailed off.
"What?" she said softly.
Sean let out another breath. This was harder than he thought. He wanted to beat the living daylights out of Owen but he knew that it was wrong and irrational. He knew that it was just his jealousy talking. But admitting that to Alex would make him look weak and petty. But remaining silent would eat him up inside. He felt like he was in high school again. Why couldn't things be simple? He loved her. She loved him. They live happily ever after.
"Sean?" Alex prompted.
He looked at her. Even though she never said it, he knew that she cared about him. That she worried about him. But did she love him as much as he loved her? That was the burning question in his mind. "Alex, do you care about me?" he asked knowing that he was pushing her comfort levels.
She furrowed her eyebrows. "You know I do, Sean."
"You've never said it," he replied simply. "I asked you out like three times and every time you never answered me."
"Really? You're serious? You asked me out when we were surrounded by Marines! You asked me out after I got my butt kicked by Roan! You asked me after I woke up in the infirmary!" Alex all but shouted.
"I knew you heard me!" Sean exclaimed with a goofy smile.
"You're unbelievable," Alex replied exasperated.
"I've heard that before," he said with smirk.
Alex shook her head at him. Her face turned serious. "But, that's not what's bothering you, is it?"
"No, it's not," Sean said all the humor draining out of his face. "You wanna know the truth?" he paused. "I'm jealous of what you have with Owen."
"There's nothing going on between us, Sean," Alex said firmly trying to allay his fears.
"I know, I know. You just seem to be able to talk to him more than me. Relate to him more," he said quietly. "I know it's stupid but I can't help feeling like I might lose you. I don't think that I could handle that."
Alex reached out and cupped his face gently. "You're not going to lose me, Sean. You mean more than you think to me. Owen's just someone who's been through some rough times like me. It doesn't change anything between us."
Sean nodded but said nothing.
"Sean, look at me," Alex said as she caught his eye. "You want to know what my favorite thing to do is?"
"What?" he said as he looked into her eyes.
"Watching you sleep," she said with a sheepish smile. "You look so peaceful. Just knowing that you're there next to me makes me feel safe and ... loved." Alex paused as she focused on a point on the wall. "When I was in the brothels, I hated falling sleeping. Sleeping was when they'd come for you. We took turns staying awake watching out for each other. One night, it was my turn to stay awake but I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell asleep. I woke to terrifying screams. I'll never forget it." She turned to look at Sean. "I know I'm not the person you deserve and I know I can't always give you want you need. But, I promise you that I'll try to be a better person."
Sean smiled. "I love you the way you are, Alex. Always have and always will. Nothing will change that," he said as he pulled her in for a kiss.
"It won't be easy," she said as she pulled away and framed his face with her hands. She had never loved him more than this moment. He saw her flaws and loved her for them.
"Nothing worth it ever is," Sean smiled as he leaned back into bed taking Alex down with him. She returned the smile and settled herself on his chest. His arms wrapped instinctively around her like a protective circle. She could feel the heat of his body start to warm her. They would have their ups and downs but she knew that they would be there for each other and that a future together was possible. For the first time in a long time, safe and secure in his arms, Alex closed her eyes and fell asleep.