Title:
Author: unlimitedunknown
Rating: PG-13 to R (if only for mature topics)
Warnings: Canon; maybe an excerpt from a larger fanfiction I'm working on
Inspired by:A strong Catholic school education and Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Summary: Castiel dreams of the past.
In that space between his death and being born once more, Castiel finds himself floating in between his past selves. Time is fluid and he floats on it, waiting and rebuilding himself through the excess of time. Rarely does he stop to look; instead he burrows deeply into his old self-while his old self relives the past over and again in a loop. But he looks up now, because this event happened so long ago even he, who has millennia stored in his memory, finds it difficult to remember why this memory was so important.
From his eyes, Castiel saw the light seemingly move in slow motion through the air, and even the wind seemed to have a purpose. Purpose. This was Eden before the Fall, trapped in eternal spring. He could feel God now, the earth thrums of His presence and Castiel longs to take a form of his own in this time, not to ask questions – not yet – but to bask in that which he and all his brothers and sisters have forgotten over time. It was not just God. He can see, from where his body rested against the oldest tree, Anael and a group of humans interacting, speaking with neither hate nor incredulity. The humans need not shield their eyes from Anael, and she rested her hand on a woman's swollen belly with delight. The sight fills him with a different kind of pain.
My brother, weep not. This is, once more, at hand. But this was not what his body heard, and his old self responded differently, with a warmth and affection Castiel no longer feels. Lucifer stood before them, the most beautiful and faithful of them all. His mouth moves to form different words, but he speaks directly to Castiel's grace. Even then, his voice retains the sincerity and strength he was known for. Whatever is left of Castiel's grace repels at the contact. Lucifer seats himself beside Castiel, and he holds his brother's hand between his, and speaks.
"It seems I was wrong, my brother, about the humans," Lucifer said, and Castiel finally remembers this moment, and he does so with horror. He hears Lucifer saying the words differently, and as he looked through the eyes of his old self, he saw that the Lucifer then and now were one and the same. There will no longer be a need to destroy them all to bask in our Father's love. He will abandon them, as he abandoned us. As we have destroyed each other, so too shall they, but their lives are finite and soon, this will be ours once more.
Castiel responds with fervor he does not feel, God has not abandoned us. We have abandoned him. Lucifer laughs through his eyes, even as he continues holding Castiel's hand. He points to Anael. "You like Anael; you might even love her in the form she takes."
"It becomes Anael; we share the same affection for our father's greatest creations." His old self replies humbly. Castiel watches Anael once more. He knows now that this is when she first feels the desire to fall. The women laugh in delight as the baby kicks in her stomach; Castiel can see the light of the child's soul in the woman and he is aware that the child is different. She will be the first vessel, and she shall be called Lillith. And from her loins, I shall lead the humans to their own destruction.
"I am sure you would like to spend this time with her. She is in good spirits, and that is rare with her these days." Lucifer said. Castiel think this must be what temptation sounded like; this is how he got those women to eat from the forbidden tree, to how he got them to want the knowledge which led to their fall.
Castiel's old self fumbles with words, uncertain and young. "I do not know what troubles her."
Anael is already there, dearest brother. Castiel can see Anael's eyes clouded in confusion and envy as her hand left the swollen belly. Her hands rested upon her own belly, which can never be swollen with a child, for even as she considered herself a woman, she is not. They were created differently, spun from the threads of dreams and prayers, fashioned for a need. Castiel understands that, even if he does not know how or why; briefly, he recalls green-eyes.
You will come to understand it, too. Lucifer's eyes shone with knowledge, a surety that frightens Castiel. He remembers how old his brother is, one of the first and most powerful of all the angels. From his own grace, he can create and heal. Castiel does not have that ability, not yet, it will take eons before he can even stitch together a human soul. His old self is overcome with awe, and Castiel knows that Michael may be the most powerful but it is through Lucifer's beauty that he is most like God. Lucifer can sway human souls; this was how Lilith was created. I am powerful enough, my brother, to do so much more than that.
Castiel finally understands what it is he is doing, and it is with horror that he watches as Lucifer drew his body close and laid a kiss on his forehead. He hears himself agreeing to let Lucifer watch over the tree of knowledge; he feels his affection and joy grow, his eyes already on Anael, beautiful Anael who will soon fall. She will want more than Love and Grace; she will want that unique human ability to create.
Castiel feels himself rushing through time, picking up his Grace in pieces along the way, where the excess of love is pieced together with the threads of hate. The memory of Lucifer's smile and those green-eyes – so young and so old – are the first things he remembers when he wakes up.