She just, doesn't get it, does she?
No matter how many times I try to please her, to tell her that she is the love of my life, and that I'll forever protect her…she wont listen. Her eyes, are dull, her voice, is lifeless, her movements, are labored and awkward against my own body, which fights desperately to win her over, to make her see how much I really do care. Because, I really do care…I really do…and she can't see it. She can't see it! It makes me so angry, to witness her like this…
Can she now see how much pain I feel? I love her, so much…of course she doesn't see that. I've told her time and time again, I've protected and saved her. And yet, she doesn't feel anything for me but utter distain, hate, even loathing.
I know what your thinking…im crazy, right? Who knows, maybe I am a little crazy, a little insane and mentally unstable…it doesn't mean I still don't love and cherish her, does it? I know I don't treat her like I should, I know its not right, to hurt her like I do…but…its so hard to resist her. Yeah, I am pretty whacked up. But, it doesn't mean a thing. Nope.
It doesn't mean a thing if im not healthy mentally. She's not mentally healthy, either…you'd think we'd be able to understand one another, but, it seems, its quite the opposite. She, is cold, emotionless, and dead…I've broken her, one to many times…and I don't think I can fix her this time.
It's the horrible truth, and, that hurts as well, to know that she'll never love me.
God, what have I done? Have I destroyed all chance of making her love me? No…I refuse to accept that. It can't be over, I wont let it be over! I could never give her up, not so quickly, not so easily. Im the only one who can protect her, the only one who can understand her.
If anyone else touched her, I would kill him or her, and probably take great pleasure in ridding the world of filthy that dare touches what's mine. I wonder if she knows I would do all that for her…I wonder if she would love me, if I proved to her that she is my everything, and I would never allow her to be in danger of another person…I don't want anyone else touching her, hurting her…
Man, I really am sick. Listen to me…going on about how I wont let anyone else hurt her…I hurt her, every day, every hour she's awake…
And, it kills me, to hurt her like that, but, there's something wrong with me. I just get, so mad…I want her to love me so badly, I cant control my actions when I see her, in all her beauty, pureness. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't help that I do. I loose control, and even if I don't want to do her any harm…I end up hurting her anyways.
Ah, its like, no matter what I do, how I do it, or when I do it…by beautiful possession is fractured. Im obsessed with her, and, its probably not healthy on my part…but, she's mine.
I wont just leave her, never. I don't care what she looks like, how she acts, how she treats me…Hell, she could kill me if she wanted to. She could tear me apart and feed my leftovers to the dogs, and, I would still love, adore her very existence. She is, like I said, my obsession, my possession, my everything.
Without her, im nothing.
Just like she does, I hide my pain by my smirk, my sick, twisted smirk…she shivers and arches to my touch, and I love it, yet hate it. I have to force this out of her…its not willing…she probably thinks im the worst thing to walk upon the face of this blasphemous earth.
I used to think that, about my own mother. I can't say I blame my lover for hating me, I hated my mother in the same ways.
But, my mother is different then I am. My mother was a slut, a whore, and sold me off to many people, as well as herself, for sexual reasons, and I don't think I ever completely forgave her for that. Im not my mother. I would never let someone else touch my everything…I wouldn't treat her like that, I would not treat her like some sex toy…she's better then that.
I know Thirteen's still physically young, and she's not mature enough to have any kind of sex…but she's so tempting, so beautiful. Its impossible to resist her for very long…I never said that I would wait for her.
At first, I think, she fought back, she used to scream, yell, cry, hit…pretty much do anything to stop what I was doing. It was hard, to get her to calm down, and it would take forever to coax her into it. My everything, was turned into a item, and after a few times, she just laid there, blank, emotionless to me, my touches, my kisses, my displays of affection.
It really pissed me off, and I would do everything I could, to drag her back into reality…because…I couldn't stomach the idea that this was rape.
I was doing to her, what so many others did to me. I just wanted her to love me…why, no, how did it turn out so badly? Even though she couldn't see it, I was constantly regretful, constantly trying to prove to her, that I cared. I wanted her to be willing, I wanted to make her feel so good…
She was being, very difficult…and it hurt, when I finally accepted that I was, in fact, forcing her to have sex with me. I wanted her to be willing so badly, I wanted to feel her love so much…I tried to force it out of her.
No, I had to force it out of her…because she would, never, be willing.
At least, she would never be willing with me. Heh, I really did screw all this up, didn't I? I wish I was dead, I want her to kill me…and she knows it. I begged her to be the one to take my life, I told her, all about myself, my life, my mother, by brother…and, I think, that was the first time, she ever really saw me, for me.
Her eyes weren't filled with hate as I leaned against her, holding her tightly, as if I where again, some sort of scared child. She was, is, the only one to know what happened to me…and, I think, at least that time, she could relate to me, understand.
She would kill me. I was glad. She told me, that she'd be the one to take me off this earth, and that, no one else would have that right, and…
I was happy.
Even if she still hated me, loathed and detested my existence…I loved her, and, it made me happy, to hear that she would be the one. God, I think she finally understood…I think she finally gets it…and, she's confused. She doesn't know how she feels anymore. She hates me, for doing what I do to her, but…
I don't know…she feels something else for me, but it isn't hate.
Oh, I love the thought of her feeling something towards me other then hate. I might have screwed my chance up, I might have ruined all opportunities to be with her, in a healthy relationship…but…as long as she didn't completely hate me…I'd be content, happy, even.