Greetings
This is set between Lords and Ladies and Carpe Jugulum and assumes that Shawn Ogg and Millie Chillum are in some sort of relationship by Carpe Jugulum.
Please forgive my appauling attempts at romance-I couldn't resist trying it.
Rated for slight innuendo and overusage of the word wow
Disclaimer: I don't own. I wish I did
ROYAL LOGBOOK OF LANCRE
OFFICIAL HISTORY OF THE REIGN OF KING VERENCE II
LANCRASTIAN JOURNAL OF DEFENCE
MY DIARY
3 Grune
Today I ran some training exercises for the Army. I ran up and down the halls of the castle, twiddling the device for opening metaphysical debates at sacks of straw. They did not enter the spirit of the thing so I won said debate. Then I did the privies.
In the evening Millie Chillum and I served the Dinner because the etiquette act of 1738 chapter 3 article c paragraph iv states that there must be two servers for the Kings Dinner and Spriggins' knee has gone again. The King seems a bit distracted. I changed my hat and asked if he was alright (my duty as King's companion).
Everyone is busy organising his one-year-jubilee. The King and Queen aren't very keen, but it has to be done as set out in "the articles of celebrating Kingship". Our Mum reckons it's because so few of them make it to a year that it's worth celebrating when they do. A rporter from the Ankh Morpork Times is coming!
Read page 12 of "Martial arts" (The Way of the Awkward Moose).
4 Grune
Did some research on Queen Ynci today, as Royal Historian (For the jubilee. Miss Magrat insists she be worked in somehow). The armour's a bit bashed since Miss Magrat had her run in with the elves, but I managed to make out some sort of inscription on the brea chest plate. It looked like:
S ro gi he arms al p rp se pots nd p ns
I think it might have been her battle cry. This is a very interesting development in my research into Old Lancrese or possibly Oggham but I'll have to wait until I'm Official State Linguist on Monday to fully analyse it.
I wonder if Miss Queen Magrat might know what it says. She said she "felt" the spirit of Queen Ynci when she was fighting the Elf Queen. I've never seen anyone so desperate to save their husband-to-be.
Not that I've ever seen anyone else try to rescue their husband-to-be from elves. But if I do, I'm sure they won't be as desperate as Miss Magrat was.
Parliament opened today. As the official representative of Lancre Town I had to attend, which means I will have to combine guard duty with doing the gardens tonight to get it all done.
I think I understand this parliament business; all the members tell the King what their village witch wants, then he does it. It might be simpler if all the witches just came along but then our Mum reckons a witch has no business sticking her nose into politics directly and at least this way it doesn't look like witches are running the country.
I have a constituent meeting this evening after I come off duty (i.e. going to our Mum's for tea)
5 Grune
Conducted band practice for the Royal Lancrastian Orchestra. Am still trying to work out how to play violin and flute simultaneously. Violin strings snapped. Removed violin strings from my ear.
Butlered.
The King seems to be acting very strange. He didn't even try to avoid my fanfare. And I saw him chuck a false moustache out the window this morning, saying "Stupid thing doesn't work". I want to ask him but I'll have to wait till seven thirty next Tuesday.
Hoed the beans, read page 14 of "Martial Arts" ; The Way of the Interesting Rabbit (Our Mum said she didn't see what was so interesting about it, looked like any other damn rabbit to her...)
Parliament went well; the king may have to pass a law forbidding the brewing of scumble, except by our Mum. He said that wasn't democracy. I pointed out that majority rules and if only one person turns up, then they are the majority.
He said that wasn't the point.
6 Grune
Saw Miss Magrat today. She was walking along the battlements with Millie. I said "Good Morning Miss Queen." She didn't answer. I'm a bit worried actually, she normally tells me to go and do something.
Mind you I didn't mind. With the jubilee celebrations coming up, I have heaps to do. I barely get time to work on the Lancre army knife, and I still haven't managed to add in the kings latest suggestion (a device for...well I have no idea to be honest. It looks like a sideways corkscrew. Maybe for opening sideways bottles?)
Later
I asked Millie. She doesn't know what's wrong with the Queen. She was very friendly though. She looked very nice in that dress.
7 Grune
I cleared out the library this morning. I only had 5 minutes (one minute per book) but there was one book that the King wouldn't let me look at. It looked like "Marital arts"...I wonder if it's a sequel to "martial arts"? That would be great because I only have the way of the dizzy stoat left to learn. I might sneak back in tonight.
Millie helped me with tea tonight because Mrs Scorbic is poorly again. Spriggins was back on his feet though so she didn't help me serve it. That was a shame because Millie is much prettier that Spriggins.
Mind you I overheard something interesting at tea. The King and Queen were talking about something
"You're sure Magrat?"
"Of course I'm sure. I think I'd know"
"But mumblemumble all those fake moustaches"
"And the glasses. But mumblemumble not working"
So! Something isn't working...I reckon they were talking about the bean nee rose garden. The beans just aren't growing. I'll pay more attention there in future because it obviously upsets them. I can't have the royal marriage splitting up over beans. I mentioned this to Millie. She said the Queen never seemed too bothered about beans and she didn't think moustaches had anything to do with bean gardens. I'm certain I have it right though.
I will sneak into the library tonight.
Later
Wow.
Much Much later
Wow. Definitely not a sequel to "Martial arts"...Wow
Almost 8 Grune
So that's what Our Mum always talked about.
8 Grune
I wonder if Millie looks like that under her dress?
Wow.
Later
I'm in trouble for not focusing today. I have to clean out the privies. I was going to anyway but now I have to feel guilty while I do it. The King won't give me a new wheelbarrow either. The old one is nearly broken. In my defence...wow...I didn't know elbows bent that way and as Lancrastian Medical Researcher it is my job to know that sort of thing.
But still.
Anyway I paid lots of attention to the beans today. The King and Queen seemed a lot happier at tea so I think I had the right idea about the problems. Millie still doesn't agree with me. She thinks it's something more personal. She's usually right but I thing she has the wrong idea this time.
Jubilee planning is going well. Only problem is the King and Queen are supposed to be driven around in a six horse carriage and A) I don't know how to drive a carriage and B) Old Norbut needs his horses for ploughing, so it looks like we may have to import some horses to make up the team.
Later
Uh –oh things are really bad between The King and Queen. They were in the long gallery and started speaking tensely at each other. Moustaches, Books and Tapestry came up a lot. Millie and I tried to distract them but it didn't work. Then the King told us both to go away.
We went to the servants quarters (Our Mum reckons there more like sixteenths, never seen anything so small) and I noticed how pretty she looked with the moon shining through the windows...but then I remembered that book and had to cough nervously.
Nearly 9 Grune
I remembered something. All those people in that book were wearing false moustaches! Moustaches...and glasses...So maybe they haven't been able to...
OH.
!!!!!
12 Grune
It's flat out here. The jubilee celebrations are on 15 Grune so we are all doubly busy.
Today I;
Cleaned the privies
Guarded
Butlered
Did the fanfare
Helped Mrs Scorbic start preparing the feast (Miss Magrat asked me to try to talk her into having some vegetables on the menu, but I couldn't do it)
Helped Hodgesaargh train his new hawk
Put some plasters over the wounds from helping Hodgesaargh
Helped Millie with some laundry
Added the sideways corkscrew to the knife
Avoided thinking about that book, the king and queens...um...and Millie's hair.
Hoed the beans
Learned the way of the dizzy stoat
Stabled the imported horses
Smiled at Millie
14 Grune
So busy...Don't have time to write, Mrs Scorbic needs help, Millie needs help, Spriggins needs help, Hodgesaargh needs help, The Queen needs help, The King needs fishing out of the bean garden...
Muckloe came over to see us, with his pigs. They're going into tomorrow's feast (their majesties don't know. They think it's going to be vegetarian.). He said to say thank you to the King for his "Animal Husbandry" book. I asked him if it had helped with his pig. He said no, but they didn't have to buy an almanack this year.
Millie just came in. She offered to go and help Mrs Scorbic while I do all my other jobs. I think I almost cried with gratt grrat gratiyu relief.
15 Grune
What a day.
I was up early to finish the feast, and then I went and got the horses ready to pull the kings coach. My dress uniform didn't fit so I had to hold it together with string. Then the coach fell apart, which spooked the horses so they ran off. Then I had to fend off an invading horde (travelling salesman) and I think I put my back out doing some moves from the way of the confused cow.
We had no coach, no coachman and no horses. So we had to improvise. Millie had her brother bring a donkey up, and our Wayne bought his cart up. The King and Queen looked so dignified, driving around Lancre in a farm cart, pulled by a donkey.
When they got back from the tour they were welcomed in to the castle by our mum dressed as Queen Ynci. She was shouting the battle cry I found on the armour "Sroghears alprpse
potsndpns" She kept sniggering. I don't know why.
The feast was a success. Everyone enjoyed Muckloe's pigs, and the King said they were an example of how great we could make this country if we all worked together to modernise it and bring it in to a shining future. There was a long pause. Muckloe looked very awkward.
There was a ball inside the palace and a big bonfire outside. I had to work inside doing the champagne, but I did manage to spot the reporter. He looked like the kind of man who is good with girls so I asked him how I should talk to a lady. He said to start by asking her to have dinner with me. I said we already eat together most nights. He said I already had one leg over. I'm not sure what that means. I might ask our Mum
At Midnight the King and Queen made an announcement. They said (almost embarrassedly) that the Royal Succession was assured! So that means Miss Magrat, I mean the Queen, is Pregnant! That...um...book must have worked! I wonder how long it will be until I am appointed head of the royal nursery. Or maybe official baby name researcher...
Later
I have decided to tell Millie Chillum that I think she is beautiful, and kind and wonderful. She's been so helpful to me. I hope she doesn't mind.
Much Later
I told Millie. I said that she was beautiful and so kind and completely wonderful.
I may have said I loved her as well.
Anyway...
Wow...