Contains dialogue from the episode Lucifer Rising. It belongs to Eric Kripke.
Part of my Deleted Scenes series. Full list of fics in reading order available on my profile page. They will make more sense if read in order. :)
"Sam? Your head in the game, here?"
Ruby's voice brings Sam back out of his head. He's been going over everything. What he said, what Dean said, if there's anything either of them could have done to avoid ending up here. He wants to cry and scream and empty the clip of his gun into an oil tanker just to watch something burn. Everything he's worked so hard for, all the sacrifices he's made to get himself ready to kill Lilith, to save the world, and the only thing Sam can concentrate on is that Dean should be here with him. Fighting by his side, instead of God knows where wishing Sam had never been born. Sam knows when Yellow-Eyes came for Mom, Dad told Dean to take Sam and get outside as fast as he could. After everything that's happened, Sam bets Dean regrets following those orders.
He thinks about how it used to feel when Dean said he loved him. And about how he'll never hear those words again.
"I'm good," he tells Ruby, even though they both know it's a lie. "Let's go."
"Are you okay?" she asks, like she cares.
"I just said I was."
"Look, I know hand-holding really isn't my thing, but still, Dean was wrong. Saying what he said to you."
"No, he was right to say it. I don't blame him, after what I did."
"Well, after we're done, you guys will patch things up. I mean, you always do," Ruby says with a shrug. As if it's that easy.
"You're talkin' like I've got an after," Sam points out.
"Don't say that."
Sam shakes his head. "I can feel it inside me, Ruby. I've changed. For good. There's no goin' back now."
"Sam – "
"No, look," Sam interrupts. "I know what I gotta do. It's okay. I'm just sayin' … he's better off as far away from me as possible. Anyways, it doesn't matter. Let's just get this done with."
Sam walks around to the passenger's side of the car, content to let Ruby drive because his hands are shaking. And maybe, a little bit, because that's the side he belongs on. Except Ruby is about as far away as she could possibly be from the person who's supposed to be behind the wheel.
"What're you being such a girl about this for?" Ruby asks irritatedly as soon as they start driving. "You and Dean are gonna be fine."
"You know, don't you?" Sam asks, although he isn't really asking. He doesn't want to talk about this, but he's getting sick of Ruby acting like he and Dean are disagreeing over pizza toppings. "What Dean and I … are."
"Besides pussies?" she suggest obnoxiously.
Sam glares at her. "Besides brothers."
"Oh. That."
"Yeah." Sam looks down at his hands so he doesn't have to look at Ruby. He's suspected for a while that she knew, but it still makes him uncomfortable to have it confirmed.
"How'd you figure it out? I never said anything."
"'Cause you watch us, sometimes. Before you knock or whatever."
She scoffs. "You really think I have nothing better to do than spy on the two of you?"
"If it's not you, it's another demon. Ever since I started …" Drinking your blood, Sam doesn't have the stomach to say out loud. "I can feel you. All of you. Or smell you or something. I can just tell when there's a demon around."
"Okay, so maybe I did once. So what?"
"Do you really remember what it's like to be human?" Sam asks, ignoring Ruby's question. "Or is that just something you said so Dean and I would listen to you?"
Ruby exhales slowly like she's not sure she wants to answer. "Yeah. I do. I don't know why. All those centuries in Hell … it was like they turned me into a demon, but not all the way. Like they forgot to flip the final switch or something."
Sam nods and doesn't speak for a minute or two.
"I wasn't bad, you know," Ruby says quietly.
"What?"
"When I was human. I was a witch, you know that, but I used magic to, like, make it rain when there was a dry season. Heal my dad when he got sick. I never hurt anyone."
"So then how did you end up in Hell?"
"How did Dean end up in Hell?"
"You're saying you made a deal?"
"No. I'm saying Hell is full of people who don't deserve to be there. Being a murderer or something isn't the only thing that gets you a one-way ticket."
"Oh." Sam nods and thinks about that for a moment. The idea makes him feel sick. "How did you die?"
"How did any witches in the 14th century die," she deadpans.
"They burned you?"
"Yep. Nice little prelude to the pit."
"There's really fire?"
"Didn't Dean tell you that?"
Sam shrugs. "He didn't really give me specifics. Didn't want me to know, I guess."
"Or he just didn't wanna think about it. It's not exactly a vacation."
"Yeah." Sam's skin still crawls when he imagines what his brother went through. It's been over a year and he's still as horrified about it as the day Dean died. It spurs him on every day; it's what convinced him to work with Ruby when all his other instincts told him not to. The instinct to love Dean has always been the strongest one. "So do you remember what it's like to love someone?"
Ruby looks away. At first, Sam thinks she's rolling her eyes, but then he thinks maybe he imagined it. Her voice sounds almost wistful when she says, "Yeah."
"Then you should get it. Why I'm upset that he hates me."
"There is a big, hairy difference between being mad at someone and hating them, Sam. He doesn't hate you."
"You don't know that," Sam mumbles, staring out the window into the bleak, grey fields.
"Yes I do. Look, I know this sucks, okay? I get it, I really do. You just gotta focus on everything we talked about. You are doing this for Dean, remember? He just doesn't see that yet. But he will. Once Lilith is dead, his demons will be gone. Y'know, literally. She'll be back in Hell where she belongs, and Dean will be able to start healing."
Sam nods. He wants more than anything to believe that. "You really think so?"
"I know so. And he'll see that everything you did, you did to help him. He'll be grateful. And then you two can kiss and make up. Or hump, or whatever."
"What about the blood?" Sam asks softly, frowning and picking at a scab on his hand.
"What about it?"
"You don't know what it was like in that room, Ruby. I was cold, sweating, shaking. I was seeing things, crazy things. Alastair slicing me open and myself as a teenager, yelling at me for ruining our life." Sam looks into his reflection in the window. He still looks barely alive. Like he belongs in a hospital hooked up to machines. He's never recognized himself less than he does right now. "I … I really think if I hadn't gotten outta there when I did, I would've died. How'm I supposed to go back to my old life after this? I can't keep drinking your blood forever."
"You can't think about that right now. Killing Lilith is what's important. Everything else we can figure out later."
Sam nods.
"Dean needs you to do this, Sam. Not to mention the rest of the world that's all gonna burn to the ground if we fail, here. Are you with me?"
"Yeah," Sam answers shortly. "Pep-talk successful, okay? Just drive."
"We should'a brought a fuckin' ball-gag," Ruby mutters as the girl in the trunk bangs and yells at them to let her out.
Every cry for help is worming its way under Sam's skin. Rationally, he knows the demon inside her is just using Cindy to mess with his head. But then, at the same time, Cindy is still in there. She still doesn't deserve what Sam is going to do to her. "Can I ask you something?"
Ruby eyes him warily. "Okay."
"This body you're in now. The girl's dead, right?"
"Yeah."
Sam frowns and thinks for a moment before continuing. "What about the other one? The blonde one, from last year."
"What about her?"
"What do you know about her?"
Ruby pauses. She's looking over at Sam but Sam doesn't look back. "I'm sorry, what do I know about her? What, you think I asked for a resume? The gates were open for like two minutes, Sam, there wasn't exactly time for a meet-and-greet. I clawed my way outta there and I grabbed the first bitch I could find."
Sam nods shortly. It's exactly what he thought she was going to say, and it makes him feel like shit just like he knew it would. "So, do you care at all? That she's gone?"
"What the hell is wrong with you all of a sudden? Why are you asking me all this?"
"Back in that house," Sam says slowly. "The night Dean … she was you, and then she wasn't. Lilith was in her. And then when she couldn't kill me, Lilith took off. And I checked the girl, she was dead. Probably had been for a while."
"So? What's your point?"
Cindy screams even louder from the trunk and Sam cringes. "I'm asking … if you care, at all, that a girl is dead because of you, and you can't even tell me her name."
Ruby huffs and looks away from him. "I don't know what you want me to say. I'm a demon, Sam. This is kinda how we roll."
Sam shakes his head and stares out the window into the empty darkness. He doesn't know what he wants her to say either. He has a feeling there isn't anything she could say to make him feel better right now. For something to do, he reaches into his pocket and checks his phone. He doesn't know what he's expecting to find, since the only person in the world who doesn't hate his guts right now is sitting right next to him, but to Sam's surprise there's a message. From Dean. Sam blinks, thinking for just a moment his eyes are playing a trick on him. But they're not. The screen says Dean. Sam's heart leaps into his throat.
Ruby leans over a little to see what Sam's looking at it, and then scoffs, "What are you, a 12 year old girl? Just play it already."
"Mind your own business," Sam grinds out.
"Let me out! Please!" Cindy screeches, banging loudly on the metal roof, and Sam sighs and drops his head back against the headrest.
"God, I wish she would just shut up."
"Well that can be arranged."
Sam looks over at her in disbelief about how callous she is.
"I don't get it!" she says. "All the demons you cut with the knife, what do you think happens to the host? How is this any different?"
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"I know that you're having a tough time, here, Sam, but we're in the final lap, here. Now is not the time to grow a persqueeter."
"Would you drop the friggin' attitude?" Sam cries. "I'm about to bleed and drink an innocent woman while she watches!"
"And save the world as a result!"
"I know, I just …" Sam sighs and looks back down at the message alert from his brother. "I'm startin' to think maybe Dean was right."
"About what?"
"About everything!"
"We're gonna see this through, right Sam?" Ruby asks after a pause. Sam doesn't answer, and Ruby repeats his name but he ignores her.
She roughly pulls the car over to the side of the road, the whole vehicle jerking and skidding on the wet pavement.
"What are you doing?" Sam asks.
"You need to listen to me," Ruby snaps. "I get that you're upset right now, okay? But just think for a second. Dean can feel however he wants to about me, it doesn't matter. If his feelings are hurt because you listened to me instead of him, then that's his issue! There are way more important things happening right now! If you don't stop Lilith from breaking the final seal? The consequence is the Apocalypse. This is our only shot at stopping it, and you know that I'm not making that up, because the angels told you that too! Right?"
Sam doesn't respond, so she smacks him hard on the arm and repeats, "Right?!"
"Yeah, fine!" Sam says angrily. "So then go!"
"Sam," she warns.
"If this is our only shot we probably don't wanna be fuckin' late!" he yells, gesturing violently out the front windshield. "Go!"
She glares daggers at him and she mutters something he doesn't catch under her breath as she puts the car back into gear and floors the accelerator.
It's another hour before they get to St. Mary's, and Sam mulls everything over in his brain, picks it all apart and dissects it and considers it from every possible angle, but by the time they arrive he still has no idea what to do. Everything Ruby said makes sense. Everything Ruby's ever said makes sense. But Dean never trusted her. Sam can't get past that.
Sam gets out of the car when Ruby puts it into park, walking a few steps away and staring at the church's sign.
"Sam, it's time," Ruby says from behind him. "Are we doing this or not?"
"Give me a minute to think."
"Sam."
"Give me a damn minute, Ruby!" he shouts.
"Better think fast," she mumbles.
Sam pulls his jacket a little tighter around his body, and then he feels the cell phone in his pocket. He'd forgotten about the voicemail Dean left him. Sam's heart races as he reaches for it and pulls it out. He doesn't know why, but suddenly everything is riding on what's in that message. Dean has always been Sam's compass. He's always pushed Sam in the right direction, even, and maybe especially, when Sam wanted to go the other way. If Dean tells him not to do this, this time Sam will listen. He's ready to listen now, ready to hear what Dean has to say instead of pushing him away.
He presses the option to listen to the message and brings the phone up to his ear, turning his back on Ruby just a little more so she can't overhear. The computerized voice tells him there's one unheard message, and then Dean's voice fills up the heavy silence.
"Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak."
Sam's heart stops.
"Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you, well I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam. A vampire. You're not you anymore and there's no going back."
It isn't what Sam was expecting. All his life, no matter what, the one thing Sam could always count on is that Dean doesn't ever give up on him. Ever. It defines who they are. Dean has been there for him, unfailingly and without question, whenever Sam's needed him. And now he's throwing in the towel? He's throwing away everything they're supposed to mean to each other because Dean would rather let the world end than let a demon be right? What little was left in tact of Sam's heart shatters.
Sam blinks away the tears and turns back to Ruby. "Do it."
"Thank God," Ruby shoots at him, turning on her heel and stalking back to the trunk to get Cindy.
She wrestles her to the ground and Sam goes over to them, kneeling down next to her and taking the knife Ruby hands him to slice into Cindy's jugular and seal his lips around the opening. She screams the whole time. The demon is still inside her, Sam can tell by the way the metallic taste of her blood is tinged with sulfur, but she never takes over control again. It's the nurse Sam's murdering as he drinks her dry. Her agonized cries pierce his eardrums, burrow into his brain and heart and soul. She begs him to stop, tells him she'll do anything he wants if he just lets her go, and as long as he lives he's never going to forget that sound. He knows it needs to be done. He's not backing down now. But there's nothing that could've prepared him for how it feels to drain the life out of someone while she watches him do it. Sam doesn't think he'll ever be okay again.
When he sucks the last drop from her neck, he collapses back against the car, his head thunking painfully into the metal door. His heart races, his chest heaving as he gasps for air and struggles to catch his breath.
"It's okay," Ruby tells him, pushing the dead girl out of the way and kneeling next to Sam. She brushes his sweaty hair out of his eyes and cups his cheek in her tiny hand. "You did good, Sammy. So good."
Sam's breathing is still so ragged it's making his head spin, but he manages to choke out, "Don't. Call me that."
"Sorry," she answers, but she doesn't sound like she means it.
Sam tips his head back to rest against the car, propping his arms up on his knees and closing his eyes. He just breathes, trying to slow his heart down and forget the screaming that's still echoing in his head and the way Dean's voice sounded when he said monster. There's nothing he can do about it right now except pray that Ruby's right, that when all this is over Dean will understand. The thought that they'll never go back to the way they were makes a big part of Sam hope he doesn't survive this fight with Lilith. He doesn't want to live in a world where Dean hates him as much as he does right now. He's also not sure there's any way out of it.
"Do you feel it?" Ruby asks, quiet excitement buzzing in her voice.
"Yeah," Sam answers tightly. The familiar rush, like caffeine only a hundred times stronger, rips through his veins. The way his skin prickles, all his synapses lighting up and flooding him with that feeling of being untouchable. It's power, like an adrenaline shot straight to his heart. This time, though, it's way stronger than it's ever been. He feels like he's been struggling to stay awake since his last hit and suddenly he's alive. For just a second, Sam thinks about what Dean said, when he was locked up at Bobby's. When he compared the blood to a drug addiction. There's a tiny, quiet part of Sam's brain that wonders, just briefly, if maybe Dean wasn't so wrong about that. But then Ruby nudges his arm and brings him back to the moment – back to what's important.
"C'mon. Lilith is already inside. It's now or never, Superman."
Sam nods and lets her help him to his feet. "Okay. Let's do this."
Everything slows down once they're inside the church. The blood pulses through Sam's veins like a bass-line, thick and vibrating. It fuels him, pushes him to the edges of his own mind and blurs out everything but what he knows he has to do. He gets rid of the guards with barely a lifted finger, as easy as if they were made of paper. This much blood is different, better. Lilith is back in the dental hygienist – or maybe just never left – and the sight of her makes Sam's muscles clench up in pure, uncontrollable anger. She slams the doors on them but Sam busts them back open, lifting a hand up and flinging her across the room.
Everything narrows down to the quick, rhythmic beating of his heart, and Sam holds his hand up, laser-focused on Lilith as light shines from her chest and she cries out. Somewhere in the fray, for just a moment, Sam swears he hears Dean calling his name. He stops. He looks at the closed doors behind them. Is he imagining someone banging on them? There's no way it's Dean, how would he have known how to find them? There are clouds in Sam's brain and his thoughts come slowly like they're stuck in quicksand, and Ruby is screaming at him, and if he doesn't kill Lilith billions of people will die and she's laughing at him. Lilith is laughing, calling him a freak, telling him he can't do it.
Sam's heart races and his blood boils. He squeezes his fist, clenching his jaw so hard his teeth hurt and dragging the life out of her one piece at a time. Everything spins, the world around him murky and disorganized except for the way Lilith writhes and screams and he's doing it. He's killing her, he's going to stop it. One more push and she collapses, her limp body flailed pathetically on the floor, and it's over. He did it.
For just a moment, everything is good. Sam did it. He stopped Lilith, he stopped the Apocalypse. He saved the whole world. Everything he's been working for this whole year came down to this moment, and Sam did it. Things will be okay now. He'll get Dean back, he'll apologize to Bobby, everything will go back to the way it should be and Sam could cry over how happy that makes him.
Then blood starts to trickle out from under Lilith's face, and Sam frowns. There isn't usually blood when he kills a demon. Not unless the host body was already cut, and she wasn't. Sam watches, completely confused, as the blood flows across the floor in a curving line, almost like some outside force is pushing it.
"What the hell?" he breathes.
"I can't believe it." Ruby stares reverently down at the trail of blood like it's the most fascinating thing she's ever seen.
"Ruby, what's goin' on?" Sam asks frantically.
"You did it. I mean, it was a little touch-and-go there for a while, but … you did it." She looks up at him with her eyes wide and her lips slightly parted.
Sam shakes his head, not understanding. "What? What – what did I do?"
"You opened the door," Ruby whispers. "And now he's free at last. He's free at last."
"No, no, no. He – Lilith. I stopped her! I killed her!"
"And it is written, that the first demon shall be the last seal," Ruby recites, with a bone-chilling smile, and Sam's heart starts racing all over again, so fast that it makes him feel sick.
This isn't happening. It can't be happening.
"And you bust her open," Ruby continues. "Now guess who's coming to dinner."
Sam walks away from her. The word no is spinning like a broken record in his head. It's all he can think. "Oh my God."
"Guess again."
The blood has created a full circle and now there are rivulets heading toward the center. It's a door. It's literally a door to Hell and Sam … he just unlocked it.
"You don't even know," Ruby tells him. "How hard this was. All the demons out for my head. No one knew! I was the best of those sons of bitches! The most loyal! Not even Alastair knew! Only Lilith! Yeah, I'm sure you're a little angry right now, but come on Sam! Even you have to admit, I'm – I'm awesome!"
"You bitch. You lying bitch!" Sam yells. He holds both hands out, but all that happens is a slight breeze and an intense pain shooting up his spine and into his skull. Sam grunts in agony and collapses.
"Don't hurt yourself, Sammy, it's useless. You shot your payload on the boss."
Sam breathes and shakes, his head aching and his mind skidding out on control. He didn't save the world. He just set it on fire. He thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he was going to help people. And instead he condemned them all.
"The blood," he says, his voice trembling. "You poisoned me!"
Ruby shakes his head and walks over to him. "No. It wasn't the blood. It was you, and your choices. I just gave you the options and you chose the right path every time. You didn't need the feather to fly, you had it in you the whole time, Dumbo."
Sam stares up at her. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what's going on. He's hallucinating right now, he has to be. None of this is real. He's still in Bobby's panic room, strapped to the bed. It's just the withdrawal; once he's clean everything will be okay. Like Dean said. Dean promised everything would be okay.
"I know it's hard to see it now," Ruby carries on, kneeling down in front of him and planting her hands on his chest. "But this is a miracle, so long coming. Everything Azazel did and Lilith did just to get you here. And you were the only one who could do it."
"Why?" Sam asks, tears pooling in his eyes. "Why me?"
"Because," she murmurs, stroking his cheek. "Because it had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you. You saved us. You set him free. And he's gonna be grateful. He's gonna repay you in ways that you can't even imagine!"
There's a loud crash from across the room and Sam looks up as the doors slam open and Dean bursts through them. Sam blinks. It was Dean. He thought he … but it was impossible. But Dean's here. Dean's here and Sam screwed everything up and Dean's never, ever going to forgive him.
"You're too late," Ruby tells him smugly, standing up and facing him as he advances on her.
"I don't care," Dean growls.
Sam stands up and grabs Ruby's arms so she can't get away, and Dean drives her own knife into her gut and twists it. She grunts in pain, red light flickering from inside her, and then Sam throws her to the ground. He feels like he isn't in his own body as he looks at his brother. He feels like he's somewhere far away, watching the horrific scene play out on a screen in a theater. It's too surreal. It isn't what was supposed to happen. And there's nothing, nothing he can do about it now.
"I'm sorry," he whispers helplessly. It won't help. It won't matter.
A stream of white light shoots up from the inside of the circle, the blood lines spiraling around it, and Sam gasps in terror.
"Sammy, let's go," Dean says, grabbing at Sam's jacket, but it's useless.
Ruby was right. It is too late. Sam busted the Devil out of his cage and there's nowhere they can run now that he won't find them.
"Dean." He grips Dean's shirt, fear numbing him. Dean looks at him, but Sam can't tear his eyes away from the light, away from what he did. "He's coming."