Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, all familiar characters and settings belong to David Shore and FOX...you know the drill.
Warning: This is pure and utter crack, evidence of the fact that a night without REM sleep can do strange things to the human mind. Consider it as an alternate version of the events in this season of House MD. Hey, considering the overall quality of season five, it could have happened.
Cameron looked down at the celery she had been chopping mindlessly for the past few minutes, noting that it couldn't be any more decimated than it was already. She shifted the cutting board to the top of the steaming pot, tipping it and pushing the green stalks in.
She was frustrated. She'd had to put in three extra hours after her shift that day, when a busload of bus accident victims were rushed to the ER of every hospital in the vicinity of the crash. After tending to multiple broken bones, lacerations and bruises, and rushing off the more severely injured patients into surgery, she was exhausted.
She had arrived home, fatigued and famished and strongly craving homemade lentil soup. Her general annoyance at the world had intensified when she realized that she was running short of several of the key ingredients required to make (her) comfort food.
So there she was, passive-aggressively mutilating the last of the (slightly wilted) celery in the house and grinding her teeth together when the soup looked less appetising than usual. She threw in an extra teaspoon of dried basil, hoping it would make up for the lack of other ingredients, and set the soup to boil. Shifting the cutting board into the sink, she washed it quickly and placed it in the rack to dry.
The bell rang, and there was a distant jingle of keys twisting the lock. She stepped into the hallway to see Chase push the main door open and enter, looking every bit as weary as she felt. He managed to drudge up a (small) smile when he spotted her, and she reached forward to give him a kiss.
"Hard day?"
He met her eyes tiredly. "You have no idea."
A prickle of irritation shot through her. "Actually, I do."
Chase looked at her in surprise. "I didn't mean it literally. It's just a phrase people use sometimes."
She rolled her eyes behind his back and followed him into the living room. Chase slumped down on the sofa and reached for the remote, turning on the television.
"House asked me to do surgery on his patient again," Chase said, with something that sounded suspiciously like pride in his voice. Cameron swallowed another wave of irritation (envy) and tried to change the topic.
"Really," she said, leaning against the doorway. "There was a bus accident today. You know the last crossroad before the hospital? A bus and a speeding BMW crashed at the junction there. It was awful. I'm just thankful it wasn't a school bus."
"Mm yeah," Chase said, nodding at the TV. "House is crazy. I don't know how I get hooked into all of his crazy schemes. He came up to me and said, 'I need you, Chase' and came up with some insane reason to convince me. It worked, though. He saved the little girl's life."
"Really," she drawled again. "Anyway, I had to put in three extra hours and I feel dead on my feet. I can't wait for the weekend -"
"Yeah," Chase said. "Me neither. You know this is the fifth case in the past two months he's approached me for? I don't really know what he's expecting of me, there are only so many ways I can convince my boss -"
"Oh for God's sake," Cameron huffed, folding her arms in front of her. "Since when did you become so needy of his approval? I thought you got over him. I thought you hated him."
He looked over at her in surprise (shock). "I don't hate him. I actually like the guy."
Cameron rolled her eyes again, this time in front of him. "Right, you like him because he fired you." She turned around to go back into the kitchen and check on her soup. Chase muted the television and followed her inside.
"Why do you keep bringing up that I got fired?" he said, coming in and setting his hands on his hips. "Why do you keep coming back to this point every single damned time?"
She took her time tasting the soup lightly from the end of the spatula before answering. "He comes to me more often than he does to you. Who do you think refers all those interesting cases to him?"
Chase bristled. "Yeah, because you keep following him around with those cases. We used to get along fine when you didn't work in the ER, remember?"
Cameron whirled around, eyes flashing. "I don't follow him around! He fired you!"
He took two steps closer and threw up his hands. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe he fired me because he thinks that I was actually ready to leave the fellowship? I didn't see him do that for you!"
"I'm sure you console yourself with that twisted reasoning before you go to sleep at night," she said unkindly. Chase snorted derisively.
"Please. You're just jealous."
"I'm jealous?" Cameron said, voice rising a couple of (several) octaves higher. "You're the one who kept asking me if I'd ever slept with House!"
"Never thought I would be jealous of you instead of being jealous of House, did you?" Chase said. "It doesn't matter anyway; he's not interested in you. I guess that date wasn't enough for you to get the message."
He had struck a nerve. Cameron visibly trembled in fury (outrage). "He kissed me! I don't -"
"No, he didn't," Chase interrupted. "You threw yourself at him because you wanted those few vials of blood. It speaks less about you than it does more about your 'relationship'. At least I have more dignity than that."
"Yeah, giving hugs isn't a sign of desperation now, is it?" Cameron said, fingers now itching to grab the nearest vase and pitch it at her boyfriend's head. "House loves me. More than you ever will."
"Keep deluding yourself. It suits you."
"House loves me!"
"No, he loves me more!"
"Now who's deluding himself?"
"You are. Sorry."
"WHY YOU SON OF A -"
The doorbell rang shrilly right at the moment, breaking off the heated (ferocious) argument. Cameron hadn't realized she had left the door slightly open. She stepped into the hallway, and saw Wilson peeking from behind the door. When he saw her, he smiled nervously.
"Hi. I heard some shouting going on. Everything all right?"
"Everything's fine," Chase said shortly, appearing from the living room. Cameron shot him an annoyed look.
"Yeah," she conceded. She gave a small smile to Wilson. "What's up?"
"Uh, nothing much. Just wanted a consult on a case, I thought you two might be here. And I have some good news. House and Cuddy are getting married!"
"What?" The identical looks of shock (disbelief) on both their faces couldn't have surprised Wilson more. He took another step back nervously.
"Yeah, House managed to knock her up. She's on cloud nine, of course. Convinced that true love conquers all, even really expensive fertility treatments. They're tying the knot in three weeks. Foreman's going to be giving Cuddy away and they've asked Thirteen to be the maid of honour. Great news, isn't it?"
Chase and Cameron's facial expressions still hadn't changed. Wilson wiped his sweat-soaked brow and retreated a few more steps backwards, until he had reached the door. "Anyway, the consult can wait. You guys, er, continue whatever you were doing. Okay, see you at the hospital, bye." The door slammed so hard the noise reverberated across the whole apartment.
There was a few seconds of silence. Then –
Chase sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"
"Oh, shit." Cameron ducked into the kitchen and ran to turn off the stove. She stared dismally at the contents inside the pot. Except for a black bubbling gloop of charred soup remains, there was nothing left.
She turned to see Chase standing there with his hands jammed inside his pockets, looking heartbroken. There was another (awkward) moment of silence.
He stood up straight, shook his head and ran his tongue over his upper lip. "Kinda silly to fight over a man who's about to get married, huh?" he said with a small, sheepish smile.
"Yeah," she said, biting her lip.
"Oh, what the hell," Chase said suddenly, taking a few steps forward and bending down on one knee. He popped out a box from his pocket and opened it to reveal a gorgeous diamond ring. "Since neither of us have a shot at him, marry me?"
"Okay," Cameron said.
And they lived (un)happily ever after.