So, I sort of have been writing this and not writing it since the week before, what will always be to me, the series finale of OTH. I decided to do my best to finish it today because the BL S&S thread at fanforum is closing tonight. So this is dedicated to the girls (and few guys) over there. I love you all. It's been a very emotional day(/week), I'm working on three hours sleep in forty-eight hours and I could say more, but I won't.
This is just a scene that I feel should have happened sometime during 6.24 and didn't- of course. I hope it's in character. I think it is.
For those of you who read DLA, I'm almost done with the chapter and you'll get my apologies in that update.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I wish I did. Things would be much different and I wouldn't have spent a lot of today crying. The song is a Boyz II Men song that I love. You should listen to it.
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
Peyton got a phone call about an hour ago and left out of her own house quickly, calling back to Brooke to please watch the baby until Lucas got back from the airport. Lucas has been back for forty-five minutes but they've barely talked.
It's a bunch of small talk and she wonders when they became this. Awkward and strangers.
She could continue with the small talk or she can use this time to really talk to him. Since it's the last chance she may ever get. She tries to really find her friend and talk to him. She misses him.
"Sawyer Brooke." She looks at him, "That's her name; Sawyer Brooke Scott." It's mixed with a sadness that she couldn't show her best friend and a happiness that she could. Maybe he'd understand the sorrow that that name opens her up to- but Peyton never would. It's not that Peyton isn't sympathetic; it's just that Brooke has never really let her see how much it affects her. How much she loves him.
-x-l-x-l-x-
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forevers gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
He looks down, not sure of what to say to that. He does understand the overwhelming pain that comes with saying his newborn daughter's name. He's been avoiding it himself and he even cringes a little bit when she says it. It wasn't his choice. He'd never do that. Not only because it hurts Brooke but because now, every time he signs his daughter up for something or says her full name, he's going to have to remember Brooke. Remember that there was another girl that he had really wanted to carry his last name. And, now, in a way- she does. But it's definitely not the way he pictured it.
When he looks up at her, she's over at the old basinet that his mom set up for him and Peyton before she left earlier this morning, cooing at his little girl. For a moment, he lets himself be taken by that. He remembers a time not long ago when he was pretending that he was a family with her and a baby that wasn't theirs. He's so blessed to have one of his own now and someone who really loves him by his side. He wants that for Brooke, even if it's hard for him to watch it. She should be with someone who she loves fully, even if he'll never get that. He snaps out of his thoughts just long enough to tell her, "Peyton wanted it."
She nods at him and he wonders if she thinks he fought it. He wonders if she knows why he'd fight it or if she thinks that he's just forgotten all about her. All about them. Part of him wishes Peyton would just get back from the studio so he can get out of here. He has, for the most part, avoided being alone with Brooke all year. It's just easier that way.
"Did she say how long she was gonna be?"
She looks up, a little hurt appearing in her eyes. He didn't mean to act like he didn't want to be alone with her. Or like her company wasn't enough. It was. It was more than enough. But when Peyton is around he can at least remember that he has a wife. That the baby in that basinet is theirs. That he'll never get the two boys and a girl that he dreamed of with his wife's best friend. When Peyton's around, he doesn't feel so guilty for almost being happy without Brooke in his life. Almost. Because when Peyton's around, he can tell that Brooke wants that. She wants her best friend to be happy and sometimes, she even seems grateful to him for being the person to make her happy.
"No," she says, in her soft, raspy voice. "There was just some kind of emergency with the new group she's signing. If you want, I could go."
She always did know just what he was thinking. He's not sure he should even try to mask the mix of relief and remorse that he feels when she offers to leave. She'd probably see it anyway and just not say anything. That's Brooke Davis. Beautiful. Brilliant. Brave. More selfless than anyone he knows.
It's never about her. That's why he knows that she was definitely lying to him when she broke up with him a little over six years. She said that it was about her- and it never is. Not in her world. For a long time, everything he did, everything he thought was about her. But he wasn't good enough at it or she couldn't see it because she left anyway.
People always leave.
He shakes his head, "No, no. Don't leave on my account. I'm sorry," he offers an apology. "It's just that my mom just left and my head is in a million places. I want you to stay. Of course I want you to stay. She is, after all, your goddaughter."
"How long are you guys going to be gone?" She seems a combination of sad and hopeful. He doesn't know where the hope comes from but he can see it in her eyes and that gives him faith that maybe she'll be okay. Maybe he'll be okay.
Maybe one day, it won't hurt to be in the same room with her and his child, who shares a name with her, knowing that they'll never have one of their own. Maybe one day, he won't want to hurt Julian, or whichever guy she chooses to love, every time he sees him touching her. Maybe he won't be so envious of the person who gets to keep her safe and warm and loved. The person who gets her love.
That's part of the reason he needs this trip. He's telling everyone that it's about clearing his head, writing, and spending time with his girls. But it's more than that. He and Brooke used to be friends. Hell, he and Haley used to be friends. It just feels like he's grown away from all of them this year and while leaving seems like it'd make everyone further apart, he thinks it'll help everyone just adjust. He wants to be able to go to Brooke and Julian's wedding. At this point, he'd never be able to do that. He's still amazed that Brooke was able to stand next to Peyton through the whole of their ceremony.
It just doesn't hurt her the way it hurts him.
-x-b-x-b-x-
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.
He's so quiet and so loud all at the same time. Ever since he walked in and realized that she was alone with the baby, he got really weird. He forgets that she used to spend more time in his room than anywhere else and she knows all of those actions. She knows that she's making him uncomfortable; she just doesn't know if it's the fact that she's cooing at his newborn or just simply in his living room that's brought it on. She knows that he thinks he's being rude and he's trying not to be.
She knows that he doesn't want to answer the question because he doesn't have a simple response. So she's not surprised when he answers her with an effortless shrug.
"A couple of weeks? A year?" She probes for more. She doesn't ask much of him but he's taking away her best friend and this precious little baby. He's taking away himself and even if he hasn't been there for her a lot lately, she loves him. She's going to miss these three people more than just about anyone. Two of them have been the most important people in her life, unwavering, for six years. Even when they weren't talking on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. She's always loved them most. "I need to know, Luke."
She doesn't tell him how they're leaving her alone. Nathan and Haley are her friends, yes. Very good friends at that. But they aren't Lucas or Peyton. She doesn't tell him how much she's going to miss him. She can't. This isn't about her. He needs to write; that's his livelihood. Plus, he almost just lost the love of his life. On their wedding night. He gets to be a little selfish. If he wants to hole up and just enjoy and love them, that makes perfect sense.
It's what she would want. Only she never got to do that. Because she's already lost the love of her life. And the closest they ever got to holing up together was those first couple of weeks after the shooting when she was the only person he wanted to see. But she's thankful that she at least got that. She got to feel that love and help him heal and even if she knew the outcome, she'd do it all over again. That's how much she loved him. That's how much she loves him.
"Six months? Maybe a year." It's said with very little commitment and in a cavalier manner. "I don't know, B. Just enough to wrap my head around some things."
What things? She wants to ask it but she doesn't know if she has the right anymore. Are they even friends?
"Can I ask you why?" It comes out more awkwardly than she wanted it to so she tries to explain herself, "I mean, you have everything you ever wanted. A family with the love of your life. And Tree Hill is home. Don't you want this little one to know it? Lucas, you and Peyton just beat some pretty steep odds- maybe you should just be happy and thankful and not walk around brooding and questioning the order of the universe."
She shouldn't really even be questioning it. She had everything she ever wished for, too. Dreams do come true. But sometimes, the reality isn't as amazing as the dream. Of all people, she understands that. And he knows she does. She just wishes he'd talk to her about it. Or Peyton. Anyone.
"Running away won't get you anywhere anyway," she surprises herself when she says it out loud. "I should know. And so should Peyton. Why won't you just talk to someone about whatever is going on in your head instead?"
The baby starts fussing and, like a reflex, her head snaps toward the bassinet. She leans down and picks up Peyton's mini-me. Rocking her and shushing a little bit calms her down, and she smiles. It's so natural. She hates feeling like this.
Wishing that this life, Lucas and a baby, was hers.
-x-l-x-l-x-
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
"You're so good with her," he smiles, without even realizing it. "You're going to be such a great mom, Brooke."
He means it, too. He just doesn't like to think about the reality that she won't be the mother to his kids. Until he saw Sawyer in Peyton's arms last week, he'd only felt this type of happiness once before. When he was a family for a couple of months last year, with Brooke.
They were two different types of happiness, though. With Brooke and Angie, it was about Brooke. He loved watching her in her element. It was almost as if she was made to be a mother. It didn't hurt that for the first time in a long time, she was letting him in. He never wanted to leave that little place that they had created for themselves and had she not made it clear that she only loved him as a friend, he never would have. With Peyton and Sawyer, it's all about them being alive and healthy and his. He was afraid that Peyton was going to leave him and that he'd never get his family. He was starting to believe that he'd done something in a past life that he was being punished for. Never getting a complete family sucks. Then Peyton woke up and he could have his family. He could make her happy. He wants to spend his life making them happy.
"Don't dodge the subject," she says in a raspy whisper, because the baby is almost asleep on her shoulder. "Talk to one of us about it. It doesn't have to be me. I know we're not as close.." she pauses. "We're not as close as we once were. So talk to Peyton. Your universe is here, Luke. Don't run away."
She doesn't get it. For the first time in a long time, he doesn't feel like she's looking right through him- down into his soul. She doesn't understand. This revelation makes him even more sad. "Don't you understand, Brooke? This isn't just about me. It's about you. Peyton. It's about being fair."
"Fair?" She looks utterly confused now and if it wasn't so damn frustrating, he'd actually think it was kind of cute. "What do you mean? Peyton and I want you to stay here."
He doesn't know why he's about to snap and let everything that he's worked so hard at keeping to himself out. But he is. Maybe it's just time. "I look at you with her and I want her to be yours. That's not fair to anyone."
That's all he has to say. She puts down his newborn immediately and steps back as if she's been burned. "Lucas, you can never say something like that again."
"I look at Julian with you and I want you happy. I want to be happy for you if you love him. I want you to have love. And I'm trying to be supportive. I really am. But I just want to bash his head in and tell him to not play games and to be thankful to have a chance to be with you." It's all rushing out and he can't stop it. He looks away and confesses quietly, "When I realized that there was something going on between you two, I was more jealous than when I realize that he and Peyton were together when we were apart."
The whole house is still, neither of them moving or speaking or even breathing.
"Take it back." He can tell that she's pleading with him to not feel this way. But he can't help it.
And that's why he needs to leave. Because he's married. This triangle from hell has been over for a long time. And she's the one that ended it.
-x-b-x-b-x-
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
She needs him to take that back. Right now. He is not allowed to feel any of those things. He cannot want her to be a mother, especially to his child with her best friend. Jealousy and pain and all of that is long gone between them.
He stopped loving her a long time ago. He decided they weren't meant to be. He would've fought harder if they were. If she was worth it.
But he did fight. She just ignored it for her best friend's sake. For his sake.
"I can't." It's so sad and he barely says it at all. It reminds her of how he told her that he loved her when Angie left. She brushed it off then, especially since he left that night and came back engaged to her best friend during the worst weeks of her life.
She holed up with him during his. He ignored her and lived in bliss with P. Sawyer during hers.
She knew when he said it that night that he meant it. She also knew the next day when she got the text from Peyton that it'd be the last time she ever heard him direct it at her.
"I love you. But I'm going to bury it. I just need some time and space. And I need you to not be in my living room playing with my baby."
It's sincere and honest. And she hates that she knows it's the truth.
She hates that she actually feels a little piece of happiness, satisfaction, knowing that he did love her. Maybe it's better to know that than to think that she was nothing but a distraction for him. A denial.
She nods and the tears instantly start falling. She barely sputters out that she understands. That she'll miss him. That she loves him.
His arms wrap around her and she closes her eyes and just lets herself get caught up in him one last time. When they finally pull away from each other about twenty minutes later, they sit on the couch and she can see that he was crying, too.
"Thank you, Lucas." It's all that she can say. She's not even sure if she knows why she's thanking him.
He clearly doesn't and asks what she's thanking him for.
Without thinking, she answers, "For talking to me. For loving me."
"I've always loved you. I love both of you. Maybe that's wherein the problem lies."
She nods. She didn't even know it, but she needed that.
-x-l-x-l-x-
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
He can hear Peyton coming in through the back door. Brooke does, too, because he can see her whole demeanor change.
"Brooke, Lucas.. " she walks into the living room and smiles at them. "Aw you guys are crying. It's gonna be okay. We'll see each other. Brooke will visit and I'll come here. This isn't goodbye."
"Yeah, Peyt." He looks at her wondering if she could ever really understand that the world doesn't revolve around her feelings. She probably isn't capable, he decides. "I'm just gonna miss her. And I made a scene and well, you're walking in on the end of it."
She laughs. "Well, thank goodness Sawyer slept through it." Turning to Brooke, she asks, "She wasn't any trouble, was she?"
Brooke shakes her head. "She was an angel, P. Sawyer. I'm going to get going. I have some work to do."
She stands up and grabs her things and all that he can do is watch her leave again. This is really the end. He watches as she and Peyton hug and exchange I love you's. Peyton promises to call and send pictures. And then she surprises him, turning around and bringing him into another hug.
It's shorter and Peyton would never know the feelings in it just from watching it but he can tell by the look in her eyes when they pull apart what it means. "I love you, Luke. Don't be a stranger."
"I love you, too." He reciprocates. "I'll do my best. Thanks."
She understands his thank you. And she nods in return.
She must have needed it as much as he did.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
Please Review. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed.
xo Corey.