A school assignment. We had to create a court case against Valentine's Day. I of course jumped at the opportunity to name my characters after the ones from RENT. Don't ask me why I'm posting a Valentine's Day story in April, but I like it quite a bit. The accused is the Matchmaking Corporation. The defense side is April, Alexi and Alison. The prosecution is Joanne, Maureen and Mimi. Enjoy!

JOANNE JEFFERSON: Your Honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today I bring you the case of a terrible crime which contains the most grizzly evidence ever seen in this court room. My client, Miss Maureen Johnson, is suing the Matchmaking Corporation of North America for the annual abuse she has suffered since her teenage years. For a decade, Miss Johnson has been bombarded with images of society's ideas of acceptability. Her most focused point of pain? Valentines Day. More specifically, the pressure not to be alone on the second biggest Hallmark Holiday of the year. After enduring years of trashy dating sites, hook-ups and blind dates, my client is speaking up against the matchmakers of this world. So without further ado, I call Miss Maureen Johnson to the stand.

(Plaintiff takes the stand)


JOANNE: Now, Miss Johnson, where were you the night of February 14th, 2009?

MAUREEN JOHNSON: I was at home.

JOANNE: Were you with anybody?

MAUREEN: No.

JOANNE: Why not?

MAUREEN: Because I didn't have a boyfriend.

(ALISON, APRIL and ALEXI all gasp, horrified)


JOANNE: Why not?

MAUREEN: Because I had no use for a boyfriend.

(ALISON, APRIL and ALEXI gasp even louder, even more horrified)


JOANNE: Miss Johnson, what kinds of Matchmaking programs have you experienced?

MAUREEN: I tried speed dating once, and I've had friends try to set me up on blind dates.

JOANNE: Did you ever have any success?

MAUREEN: The fact that I'm still single sure shows something. The speed dating was ridiculous. I was introduced to so many men in such a short amount of time. I couldn't remember anything about anyone. I was going on first impressions, which you can't always rely on. It didn't work at all. I think you need to have a base before starting a relationship.

JOANNE: What about dating sites?

MAUREEN: I've never even considered using one. They seem so fake. They ramp up their ads at Valentine's Day to guilt you into their program. They make you fear being alone. I'm not that desperate.

JOANNE: Thank you, Miss Johnson. [Look at ALISON and sit down]

[ALISON rises]

ALISON: So, Miss Johnson. Do you truly expect me to believe that you did not need a boyfriend last Valentine's day?

MAUREEN: Obviously.

ALISON: But did you not feel horribly and shamefully alone?

MAUREEN: Not really. My problem wasn't that I was alone; my problem was that people like you kept trying to pressure me into a relationship. This is the reason I'm suing you people!

ALISON: [frustrated] But you surely must realize that we at the Matchmaking industry are only trying to help you reach the greatest achievement in a woman's life: matrimony! Everyone knows that a woman's biggest dream is to get married and spend the rest of her life known by someone else's name.

MAUREEN: [mimics vomiting]

ALISON: [Insulted] Well, I'm done.

JOANNE: I'd like to call our witness, Miss Mimi Marquez to the stand.

(MIMI comes to the stand)


JOANNE: So Miss Marquez, please share your matchmaking experience with court.

MIMI: Well, I set up an account of Lavalife about a year and a half ago.

JOANNE: Did you feel as though the personal information you were giving out was an accurate depiction of you?

MIMI: Not really. I mean, yeah, I've got brown eyes and brown hair and an average build. But that doesn't really say much about me, right? And the personal questions they asked didn't seem like something I would normally talk about. It's not really me. I also know that lots of people lie on those sites. I had to keep my guard up, because a lot of people try to make themselves 'desirable'. I met a 53 year old who originally claimed to be 28.

JOANNE: Did you ever feel that the site was working for you?

MIMI: I did at one point. I got a hit from a man who seemed like a good guy. I met up with him and we went out for a little while.

JOANNE: And then what happened?

MIMI: After that, I found out.

JOANNE: Find out what?

MIMI: That he was married.

(Dramatic gasps from everyone but MIMI)


MIMI: So, yeah, dating sites are a nice idea. But…but I was deceived! It wasn't even that I really cared for the guy. It's just that I got my hopes up. (MIMI suddenly looks over the jury and speaks defiantly) Well you know what? I can find my own damn boyfriend. I don't need some stupid matchmaker. (Note: Mimi may stick her tongue out here if she would like)


JOANNE: Thank you, Miss Marquez. (They both sit down)


(ALISON GRAY stands)

ALISON: I'd like to call the defendant, Miss April Ericsson to the stand.

[April goes to stand]

ALISON: Miss Ericsson, please explain to the court your current vocation.

APRIL: I hook people up!

ALISON: Would you like to go into further detail, please?

APRIL: I work at making the world a place of LOVE. I have a special gift with people, you know? And it's my calling to get them together! [Looks at 'jury' (class), point to boy and girl (preferably Ben R and Colleen)] Hey. You two. Hot couple.

ALISON: How often do you set people up?

APRIL: As often as I can! [Turn to Judge Blauer.] Hey, Your Honour! The receptionist outside was making eyes at you. [to jury] I notice things.

ALISON: And you do all this in the name of romance.

APRIL: Yeah…well, that and a tidy profit!

ALISON: Thank you, Miss Ericsson.

[JOANNE gets up to cross examine APRIL]

JOANNE: Miss Ericsson, do you ever get people who are unhappy with the matches you make?

APRIL: [thinks for moment] Well, there was that one girl who threw herself off a bridge…

JOANNE: I rest my case.

[They both sit]

ALISON: Erm, I call our witness, Miss Alexi Darling to the stand.

[ALEXI stands]

ALISON: So, Miss Darling, what is your position in the Matchmaking world?

ALEXI: I run an online dating site! It's soooo cool! I even joined my own site to meet the HOT SEXY SINGLES!

ALISON: Did you find success?

ALEXI: I sure did! I am sooooo in love with the hottest man in the world! We met through the dating site! He likes long walks on the beaches, and I like long walks on the beaches, and we both like puppies and it was meant to be! [Holds up fake photo of celeb 'boyfriend'] SEE? THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND! (Note: Alexi may start kissing the pictures if she finds it effective)

ALISON: So you're saying that it's true love because the internet said so?

ALEXI: EXACTLY!

ALISON: A perfect example of the powers of modern dating! [to JOANNE] Would you like to add anything, counselor?

JOANNE: Oh, I think you've said it all.

ALISON: Excellent. Your Honour, the defense rests.

JUDGE BLAUER: I find the defendant, the Matchmaking Corporation of North America guilty of all charges based on the evidence against it. Besides $6000 in favour of the plaintiff, the Matchmaking Corporation shall be charged with crimes against humanity, which shall be called to court at a later date. Court adjourned.