if we could see that this was all that we need
inside our minds
bodies and souls
we wouldn't run and we would let go
cause we'd realize
that we had
that we had no control
Katie Gray – Set Free.
'I think you gave him something great, Bones.'
She looked down at the letter she'd given Zach, and her body was drawn into Booth. She leaned her head on his shoulder, trying to think of a way to survive this blow. It was a blow for the entire lab, no one had expected this. But it was also a personal blow. She had always considered Zach to be the only other person in her life that understood her. And now, he had used the only thing she truly believed in to destroy his life: Logic.
Booth sat there, letting his partner and close friend lean on his shoulder. He knew this was difficult for her. She'd seen Zach as her brightest pupil, probably close to a son. And now he had abandoned her. Like her parents had abandoned her, like her brother had abandoned her. Like love had abandoned her many, many times before. He could feel this would be a difficult one to overcome with her, but he wanted her to know he would be there for her. She wouldn't let him in at first, but she'd have to. Because such a hard personal blow couldn't be solved by logic, and he knew that somewhere, deep inside, Bones knew that as well.
'Come on, let me drive you home,' he said. She raised her head from his shoulders, her eyes focused on the floor. Nodding, she let him help her up and followed him to his car.
She was grateful to have him be with her for now, she hadn't felt this empty for a very, very long time.
He just observed her, until they were in the car and she still hadn't spoken to him.
'Look Bones, I know you're upset, we all are. You loved Zach and he has betrayed that love. That hurts. But you'll be fine, I promise.'
She looked at him. Her eyes seemed empty to him, emptier than he had ever seen them.
'I don't know how to deal with this, Booth,' she whispered.
No tears, no emotions, nothing.
He put a hand on hers. 'Hey, it's ok to feel something.'
'It's illogical for me to feel compassion, but still, I do.'
He shook his head. 'Nothing illogical about it. He was like a child to you, Bones. You loved him like a mother. When that trust is betrayed, it hurts.'
She was looking outside, at nothing in particular.
Booth released her hand. 'It's not your fault, you know. He made the decision on his own. He would have made it with or without you. None of this is down to you. You know that, right?'
She shook her head slowly. 'Some of it is my fault. I made Zach believe in logic. I made him think that if something is logical, it's always right. He believed me. I should have had more control over him.'
'He already believed in logic, Bones. You didn't push him to this, he did that himself. In the end, we're not in control.'
He wasn't getting through to her and he saw it. This could possibly destroy her and he was afraid he wasn't helping. He wanted to get through to her but it was a hard struggle, one he had fought with her many times, but never over such a deep, irreparable loss.
He pulled up to her building and walked with her until they reached her door. She turned around. 'Thanks for taking me home, Booth. Do you want to come in? I have some liquor.'
Secretly, she just really didn't want to be alone. She knew Booth would keep her company without pushing her to talk to him, and she needed that.
He recognized her reasons in her eyes and he was glad to at least see something in those blue depths. So he accepted, following her in, and taking a glass of whiskey from her when she offered.
He sat down on the couch. How many times had he sat down on this couch, with her close to him, needing his comfort and friendship but resisting everything else? He couldn't remember when he had stopped counting. Somewhere along the lines of those three years of partnership, he had stopped hoping for more with her. He still wanted her, more than yesterday every day, but she resisted him without words. He would be happy to be her rock in situations like these, her guide back to sanity, but he wanted to be her guide in so many more ways. He hoped she knew, but he doubted she had given herself a chance to see it. So he just sat there, drinking his whiskey, with her right next to him, deeply occupied with her own thoughts.
She had only offered him a drink because she couldn't be alone. She knew he was looking at her, she knew he was wondering if he was enough help to her. She wanted to reassure him but looking at him would be a dangerous move. She might see things in his eyes she didn't want to see. Their partnership was challenging enough, him trying to teach her so much she could barely keep up. A relationship would be even harder, she would have no idea what to do or what to say to him, because she would never admit to it, but her feelings for him were very different from what she'd felt before. She felt oddly protective of him when situations got dangerous, and she appreciated his protectiveness over her. She pretended to be irritated by it, but secretly, she admired his alpha-male displays of strength and protectiveness. She had analyzed every move he had ever made on her and it hadn't taken the scientist in her to figure out he was trying to court her. It scared her on a very primitive level so she had decided on their first case together that she would never let him get closer. If she did, she might end up losing her grip on logic to something she didn't know if she believed in. That scared her even more than the prospect of losing him like she lost Zach.
Suddenly, she broke the silence.
'Why don't I feel something, Booth?'
He looked at her. 'What do you mean?'
'I don't feel anything. No pain, no sadness, nothing.'
He put down his glass and turned towards her a little. 'That's probably the shock. Your brain has shut down your emotions so you will be able to deal with them later.'
She looked at him, her eyes dead serious. 'How do I stop it?'
He shook his head. 'You don't want to go there, Bones. Believe me. The feelings will come back, I promise.'
'I haven't felt much of anything for a long time, but this is worse,' she said. He frowned.
'How do you mean, haven't felt much of anything? Are you all right?'
She looked at him, meeting his eyes. The concern she saw there knocked her off her game for a second, but she recovered.
'I'm fine. I just.. With this case, it's hard to not get too involved so I shut down my emotions to be able to deal with the facts.'
His eyes grew big. 'And that helped?'
'Well, apparently not,' she whispered. He knew what she meant. She thought that if she had allowed herself to experience everything the others experienced, she might have been able to get Zach out of his delusion before it had aggravated.
'You're wrong, you know.'
'About what?' she frowned as well.
'About shutting off your emotions. No one can do that, not even you. You just pretend you're unaffected.'
'But I am, I don't feel anything,' she said and the sadness in her voice somehow got him wondering. What if she had taken it too far this time? What if she really didn't feel anything?
'How do I feel something, Booth?'
He looked at her again, and the sadness in her eyes broke his heart. Before he knew what his body was doing, he crushed his lips to hers and kissed her.
His lips moved over hers, not at all softly. His hands went to her cheeks, cupping them and holding her to him.
A rush of something she could not identify went through her, and for a moment she froze. Then, she threw her arms around him and kissed him back. Her tongue snuck out to meet his.
Suddenly, he realized what he was doing. He pulled back.
'God, Bones, I'm sorry.'
But she hung onto him and she wasn't going to let go.
'No, it's ok, make me feel,' she panted, her eyes still sad but pleading with him not to go.
'I can't.. We can't, Bones.'
She shook her head and kissed him again, with the same urgency he had kissed he with.
His body was reacting very fast to her, and he knew he had to stop this or he wouldn't be able to leave tonight. Her lips were driving him crazy, her tongue asking his lips for access. Her hands were on his back, gripping his shirt and holding him close. Her hair was falling forward onto his face and he could feel and smell its softness.
It was all too much.
He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back. 'No, Bones.'
She was startled by his strength and she sat back on the couch. 'You're right,' she whispered. 'We shouldn't.'
He was looking at her, searching for her eyes but they were directed at her hands lying in her lap.
'No, we shouldn't,' he repeated. 'I can't have sex with you for the sake of it.'
She reached for his hand without looking at him and the touch startled him. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered.
He couldn't believe his ears. 'Why?'
She met his eyes suddenly and he saw so much emotion and pain that his heart immediately jumped and tugged for him to close the distance again.
'I can't let this happen,' she whispered.
Was it just him or were her eyes trying to tell him a different story?
'Are you sure, Temperance?' he whispered back. Her hand tightened around his and she had a hard time containing her tears.
'Hey, it's ok, you're allowed to feel sad,' he said, moving closer and putting his other arm around her shoulder. 'Talk to me.'
She nodded. 'I can't control this, it's so stupid,' she whispered. 'One moment I feel numb and dead inside, the next I feel myself being pulled towards you in a strange way.'
He looked at her, seeing the truth in her eyes.
'What do you mean, in a strange way?'
She dropped her head to his shoulder. 'I want us to have sex. I need us to have sex. I need to feel that connection again. But I can't.. Because if we cross that line.. It will only cause me pain.'
He looked at her. Her head was lying on his shoulder and he could see a tear running down from the corner of her eye, down her cheek and onto her lip. Her tongue came out to lick it off and he was overwhelmed by a desire to lick it off for her. He leaned down and kissed her forehead. 'Hey, that's not necessarily true.'
'Why not?' she asked. 'It always causes pain afterwards.'
He leaned his head back on the back of the couch, feeling her shifting a little but not moving away.
'Well,' he started, knowing he would have to be very careful in his words. 'Sometimes.. The price is greater than the risk, if you know what I mean.' She shook her head to indicate she didn't.
'You fall for someone like I fell for you, you know it's worth the risk. Only you are so analytical, you need evidence before you take the risk. Only thing is, you can't have evidence without first taking the chance.'
She nodded. 'I believe you are correct.'
He pulled her a little closer. 'Please, we can try.'
She shook her head. 'I can't risk losing you so soon after I've lost Zach,' she sobbed.
He kissed her forehead again. 'I know. But you remember what I told you, about our journey? We try our whole lives to find our other half, I've tried, my whole life. But I feel, deep inside, that I don't have to anymore. You're right in front of me, all the time. I just need to convince you and we'll be that couple I talked about.'
She sat up, looking at him. 'You mean.. We have a spark?'
He smiled at her. 'You haven't felt it?'
She looked down again, as if trying to look inside herself to locate the spark.
'I have felt an attraction to you, of course. But that's logical.'
He smiled down at her. She really was a difficult one to convince.
'Of course it's logical. But let go of that for a second. I know you believe in trying to complete each other. We do that, in every way but one, Bones.'
Deep inside, something else nagged at her. What if she would give him this one night. She was emotionally in a very unfamiliar place, and she had felt so good when he had kissed her. She knew she probably needed a release, it would help her feel better, and she also thought it would be a good opportunity to see if they were acceptable together.
So she decided to ask him.
'One night?'
He almost hadn't heard her. And what he had heard, he wasn't sure he liked.
'One night?' he repeated.
She nodded. 'I need to be certain I won't get scared. And Angela told me I miss so much by not trusting myself, but I trust you. One night, and after that we'll see.'
His head was spinning. Could he make her see sense in one night? He probably could, but what if he failed? What if, tomorrow morning, she pulled out of his life? How would he live with himself? How would she live with herself if she didn't pull out? But it was a chance, and a big one. He was scared, though. She was at a very vulnerable stage of recovery after a big, painful blow to her heart. Then, he realized his best chance. Make her forget, make her focus on him. He could do that. He knew he could. So he accepted.
'Ok, one night.'