Amanda is triggered by her Sister gutting her apartment, and it starts a spiral of self-destruction that the squad is not sure they can help her with. Slowly the secrets of her past come rolling out, and the real truth about Amanda becomes known.

Amanda looked around her gutted apartment, unbelieving, trying to take it all in. When she first opened the door, she had stormed through every room, opening all the cupboards, hoping against hope she had been left with something. She sank to her knees, struggling to breath.

"I got you 'manda," Fin said bending down to rub her shoulder, "I got you, come home with me,"

"I just… can't believe she done this 'Fin. I can't… not after everything. How am I going to sort it out Fin, I can't press charges on my own sister but If I don't I ain't going to get no insurance money,"

"Don't worry about it now 'manda, just come home with me."

Fin guided his distraught partner out of her flat and back into his car. Silent tears rolled down her cheek as she stared out the window, rain droplets running down it were mirroring her tears. After 10 minutes he pulled up in the parking lot for his apartment. Amanda turned and smiled weakly at him,

"What would I do without ya 'fin?"

"Don't worry about it 'manda, just come up and go to bed,"

His partner looked shattered. She nodded weakly at him, and he opened his car door. Amanda took a breath and followed him a second later. They went upstairs to his apartment silently. Fin opened the door and let Amanda in.

"You want a beer? Anything to eat?" he asked. Amanda shook her head,

"Im wiped Fin, can I just go t' bed?" she asked.

Fin smiled at her.

"Course."

He gestured to Kens room, and Amanda walked straight past into the room and shut the door. He heard her break down crying and wanted desperately to go in, but knew his partner valued her privacy. She was an intensely private person, who just had this awful family drama played out in front of her.

He went to the kitchen to start making some food. He made some scrambled eggs, and went to check on Amanda. She'd fallen asleep on the bed fully clothed, curled in the fetal position, hugging herself. Fin picked up an extra blanket out the cupboard and placed it over her, tucked her in and then left the room and turned out the light.

Back in the kitchen he picked up his phone, and phoned the Captain.

"Fin?" Cragen blearily answered, "What can I do for you?"

"Sorry for the call Captain, I just need to let you know… Kim cleared out 'Manda's apartment."

"What?" Don replied, suddenly sharp. "Like, what do you mean?"

"She stole everything Captain, down to the last teaspoon. Manda's at mine, but she might not make it in tomorrow Captain, and I wanna take a personal day to stay with her… Make sure she gets to a meeting if she needs one, and has a friend."

"Sure thing Fin, take care of our girl, that's your top priority. If it needs to be longer than a day, let me know tomorrow 'eh?" The captain paused, "For the love of all things holy, please persuade that girl to press charges."

"I'll try Captain, but you know what 'manda's like."

"Just look out for her Fin," The captain said, and hung up. Fin noshed his late night snack and went to bed. 11:32 the clock read. Not bad he thought, and went to sleep.

Fin heard a scream which he didn't really register. It took until the second scream for Fin to realise the noise was coming from his apartment, and it was unmistakably his partner who was screaming. He rushed down the corridor and saw his partner sat up in bed, clawing at demons in front of her face.

"No… please don't… I'm sorry…" were the only noises he could make out from his partner. He got as close as he could to his partner, and then with the timing of 12 years of police work, grabbed hold of both of her wrists and pulled her into a hug.

"I got you 'Manda," he whispered, "I got you, you're safe now,"

It was a testament to how out of it with fear his partner had been, he thought, that she was letting him give her a hug like this. He had observed in Amanda Rollins, a complete distrust of any sort of relationship, to the point where she had struggled to trust the squad to have her back even at work, let alone in social situations. Amanda eventually relaxed into Fins arms and fell asleep again before he could ask her about what she dreamed. Fin tried to leave her to sleep, but she had curled into him and was holding onto his jacket with an iron grip. Fin sighed, and kicked his shoes off and lay back on the bed. Outside the city noise lulled as New York went to sleep.

Amanda woke up with a start realising she was asleep in someone's arms. She sat up, pulling the arms gently from her and realised it was Fin, but they were both full clothed. Fin woke up.

"You had a nightmare 'manda," he said softly.

"'m sorry…" she responded.

"Nothing to apologise for 'Manda, we all get them."

Amanda stood up shakily, and wiped her eyes to get rid of the sleep which had built up there.

She started when she saw the time… 0845

"You wanna talk about the nightmare 'Manda. It might help?" He tried. He was tired of seeing his partner bury herself. She was a good cop, and all families had shit. Problems shared were problems halved after all, and that's one of the old sayings Fin really did believe in.

But he was getting the picture that 'Manda's family had more shit than most. He'd pulled together what little information he could find after he worked out Amanda was gambling bad, but he had the picture that Amanda had managed to conceal a lot. There were ASC records on the Rollins household, but they had been sealed and only openable by anyone but the Rollins daughters themselves, rather than by any legal professional as is normally the case.

Police records told more though. There were several DV calls from her household when she was a child, with both Amanda's mother and the father as complaining parties. There had been concerns about drug use at the property. Amanda's Dad had been found dead by Amanda when she was 13 years old, it had been ruled a homicide, but was now cold case, under the jurisdiction of Atlanta PD. The working theory on the case was that Amanda's father had been involved in some small time gang crime, and had got too big for his boots. He had had a record for drunk and disorderly, and the household had been up to their eyeballs in debt.

Amanda had chased a boyfriend of her mother's out of the house with a shot gun when she was 17- had escaped charges, although she had been arrested for breach of the peace. Somehow Amanda had got through all of this achieving a GPA of 4.0 and had gotten a sports scholarship to college, studying Forensic Psychology and gaining an honours degree. The rest was pretty recent history. Joined Atlanta PD at 21, got her shield the minimum 2 years later following busting open a huge exploitation ring at just 23. Did 6 months with Atlanta SVU before having a very speedy and very fast-tracked transfer to SVU. So here she was in the big apple, 24 years old… sometimes showing skill of a detective 20 years her senior, and sometimes just a scared little 12 or 13 year old child.

Amanda's sister was not the high achiever Amanda had been, and had been secured several times as a including a 2 year stretch for juvenile delinquency which had begun shortly after Amanda had the breach of the peace issue.

"Fin, we need to hurry up and get to work… with my track record lately I don't want to be late," she said trying to avoid answering fin about the nightmare.

"Captain gave us the day off"

"What… why?"

"Amanda, you've got nothing left. Worst case scenario we need to take you shopping, but I'd rather we went down and made a statement to the police,"

"You told the Captain?" Amanda shouted. "How could you do that… Jesus 'Fin… I'm already in the shit."

"And your felon sister nicked some more stuff from you… how does that make you more in the shit 'manda, I don't get it?"

"Cos I'm already in debt, how the fuck can I afford to repay it and buy two, maybe three grands worth of new stuff… I'll have to declare it, I'll be suspended until I'm straight… I've got no idea what to do!" Amanda all but shouted. Fin was struggling to stay calm, but managed too.

"I still don't get why you won't go and make a statement. Amanda, whatever gone on between you, she ain't your sister any more. 'Manda she set you up! You coulda lost your job, your pension and you could have gone to jail. Sisters don't do that to each other, not sisters that are worthy of the title."

Amanda got up and walked out towards the door.

"Family don't mean shit to you Fin, I get that, but it does for me. She's all I got left. Pa's dead, Ma aint worth shit, but she's my fucking little sister." Amanda paused, breathing heavily, "She's already in the shit for setting me up to murder a man that used to beat her bloody, that got her addicted to drugs, and you expect me to make this shit situation worse just so I'm a little bit better off. No FUCK THAT."

He could see the tears rolling down his partners face, and knew she needed time. She slammed the door and went out. He started cleaning up the house and having breakfast ready to go out, if Amanda had gone out, he may as well get ready for work.

He waited an hour for her to come back, but she didn't. So at 1000 hours he left the building and locked the door. He didn't even get down the stairs to where he parked his car before he stumbled over Amanda, sobbing big heaving sobs, curled against the corner of the stinking stairwell.

"'Manda… hey sunshine… I got you,"

"I'm sorry fin, I'm so goddam sorry, you gotta believe me…" she sobbed.

"I know sunshine… I know Barbie, Shhhh." He sat down next to her and pulled her into a side hug.

"You gotta stop running kiddo. You ran from Atlanta to here, ya won't tell us why. Now your running from all of us and we can help you Barbie, you know that right? Just let us into that head of yours. You need to straighten out, I'll help you with that kiddo, you know that."

Amanda carried on sobbing, just letting Fin hug her.

"I'm sorry I was so aweful to you Fin, I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry Fin," she got out after a while.

Fin didn't know what to say to that. Angry Amanda he could deal with, angry Amanda he liked even. Passionate Amanda he liked, even though sometimes it meant they had raging arguments and stuff was normally thrown across the room. Self-depreciating Amanda he hated though. Self-depreciating Amanda cut knives into the very centre of his soul though. This young woman, who he had come to think of as his little sister, no screw that, his little girl, deserved nothing but the best. She deserved great friends, a great family. The latter, it was becoming more and more clear, were clearly pieces of shit, so he resolved to be an even greater friend, and hopefully prove the saying friends are the family you choose.

"You need to wise up barbie. You've just been through some serious shit. You're allowed to cry, scream and push people away, but I'm always going to be here for you whether you want it, think you want it, or not. Now I know you ain't eaten shit for at least a day Barbie. Some come upstairs and have some food, I've even got peanut butter and jelly for your bagel!"

"You trying to feed me up again?" She smiled weakly at him, tears still streaking down her red face.

"You bet Barbie, you're even skinnier than your favourite plastic doll at the moment."

He stood up from the stinking stairwell.

"And I also gotta feeling we're both going to need a shower after sitting down here for all time."

He held out a hand to his partner, which she took and let Fin pull her up. Shakily she followed him back upstairs. They went back into fins apartment, and he pulled out her favourite white bagel, cut it in half and put it in the toaster. He passed her the peanut butter and jelly, and a steaming mug of coffee with enough cream in it to destroy it (in his opinion).

"You're a star, Fin," she murmered, mouth full of a bagel which was lathered in her favourite condiments.

"Foodgasm?" He laughed.

"You bet," she smiled back.

For a short while Amanda ate, while Fin washed up, in a comfortable silence. Amanda and Fin were both people who knew there was far more to communication than just words, and both Amanda and Fin needed time to think. Amandas heart had been broken into little pieces and stamped on a very long time ago, Fin mused. It was going to be like fitting a little jigsaw back together. Fin wondered how long it would take, how long before he fixed… no that was the wrong word… but how long before he could put this mess of an adult back together as a functional and happy adult. He'd love nothing more than that, he mused. Amanda had said to him a short while ago… no not said, rambled, while drunker than she realised she was, something that cut to his very core.

"Fin, I wish you had been my 'Pa. I might be normal if you had been my 'Pa you know. Just normal sassy Amanda without the layer that wants to go and fuck everything up, just when its getting all good for the first time ever."

He'd asked her what she meant the next day, but she clammed up and said she didn't remember anything and must have been really drunk. There was a case involving a neglectful couple that sold their child into prostitution at 11 years old, in order to pay their debts, the next day, and Amanda had run out of the interview room mumbling nonsense. Fin had finished the interview with Nick, and some hours later, after the confession had been got, had gone to find his partner who had not returned to her desk. He found her curled in the corner of the ladies bathroom having battered the mirror until it was in little fragments on the floor, she was twirling a piece in her bloodied hand with tears running down her face.

"I wanted to kill him Fin…" She murmured, "I wanted to kill him so bad… and her, she doesn't deserve to live either, does she Fin? She sold out her own fucking kid because she couldn't be asked to put some fucking effort into giving up her vices."

Fin had figured out something, perhaps everything in this case, cut a little close to home for Amanda, but she wasn't ready for him to push it. Instead he just held her, the young woman who had confided in him only the day before, that she wished he was her father, and he realised in that moment, he needed to be this womans dad, because clearly the biological bastard who had had that honour, had not fulfilled his duties as should be done. All that Amandas father and mother had left in their wake, had been a girl floating through the world, like flotsam and jetsam after a flood.

Fin was hurtled back to the present, by Amanda quietly asking one of her deeply layered and highly upsetting questions.

"Why do you care about me so much?"

"Your my partner 'manda, I got your back."

"So you care about me because its your job to care about me?"

"Jesus… how could you think that?"

"Why then? I don't get it…"

"I care because that's what humans do 'manda. I care because I do… I dunno why? Who ever does know why?"

"But you don't want to sleep with me?"

Fin turned and faced Amanda seriously.

" Manda, you don't have to wanna sleep with someone in order to care about them. You know that right?"

"Of course I do…" Manda said, clearly embarrassed, looked down.

Fin realised the mistake he made.

"I'm serious Manda. I don't know what pricks you've met in the past, but I'm not one of them. I'm your partner, and that means something… But I'm also your friend, or I'd like to be, if you'll let me? I don't want anything in return for that Manda… not like that. People that want that are not friends worth having." Fin paused, realising Amanda was struggling to make eye contact with him. "Seriously Manda, look at me… I care about you because I do. Nothing else matters."

Amanda smiled weakly back, a lone hot tear creeping from her eyelid, which she hastily tried to scrub away. Fin pulled Amanda into a tight hug, and again Amanda couldn't contain her tears.

Amanda pulled away after a few minutes.

"Fin, you gotta get t'work haven't you? I'll be alright here." Amanda tried. She desperately needed to get out of this house, without the person she knew would stop her from going the place she wanted to go. One stroke of luck and all her problems would be cleared, surley anyone could see that. She was owed some luck, she mused. There was only so long one could continue loosing.

"I ain't going anywhere without you today Barbie, we got the day off together, we're a team."

"But… I really need some quiet time to think Fin, and chill. There is just so much spinning round in my head at the moment."

Fin sighed. He could read Amanda like an open book, really.

"Then take some time in Ken's room 'manda? You could try and get some kip too, you didn't sleep too well last night."

Amanda flipped out and started walking towards the door.

"You're not going to keep my prisoner here Fin," she stormed, "I can do what the fuck I like, If I want time alone I can have it."

Fin grabbed his coat.

"Two can play that game manda, if you want to go for a walk, I fancy going for a walk around 10 paces behind you."

"And I'll arrest your ass on a fucking stalking charge if you do" She screamed back in his face.

"No 'manda, you aint going Gambling."

"NO, I'm not, you always think the fucking worst of me, don't you. Fucked up Amanda with her fucked up life, wants to go and gamble away everything shes fucking got. Fuck you!"

"You ain't going 'manda. You need to stay right here until you're thinking straight."

Fin blocked Amanda from leaving. She tried to push past, but 24 year old, 5"2, 120lb Amanda had nothing on 54 year old, 5"10 200 lb Fin. She tried to hit him, shove him out the way, but he didn't budge. She tried to kick his shins, but he just spun her around. Amanda sunk to the floor, screaming turning into wailing, turning into sobs.

"I know I'll probably loose Fin, but can't you see, I might win, I could wipe off all my problems in one hand of cards. I deserve some luck Fin, its my turn to win, you gotta let me go… please Fin. If you cared about me, you'd at least let me try once… I promise it'll just be once."

"No Barbie, you're done with luck, done with betting."

"But the longer I don't pay, the more it is. I can't afford the repayments Fin, not now Kims nicked everything. I was gunna sell some stuff, my TV and all I didn't need that… I was going to pay some of it off. The interest they're charging me, Fin… they'll make me do stuff if I can't pay, bad stuff… Fin please let me try."

"Barbie, I meant what I said when I said I'd help you straighten out, I promise I did. You and gambling are done Barbie, no more… No more."

"Im sorry Fin," Amanda cried, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you, I'm so sorry."

"I know Barbie," he said softly, once again wrapping Amanda tightly in his arms, "I am so sorry" was all he heard for a while.

They sat like that, by Fin's door for quite a while. Fin softly chatting to Amanda to calm her down, rocking her back and forth at times. Amanda's eyes were drooping, and Fin wasn't surprised. Not only had she had next to no sleep that night, she had just expended serious amounts of energy in that outburst. Fin continued to rock her until she fell asleep, and carried her back to Kens room, taking off her shoes and tucking her back into bed. He drew the curtains again and switched the light off, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Fin went back to his kitchen to find his phone, where he had left it on charge. There were a couple of texts from his team which he didn't know how to respond to.

Olivia had sent him a quick message: Give our Barbie-girl my love will you, horrible thing for Kim to have done. Can't imagine what she's going through with that betrayal! I texted her, but she's not responded. Guessing her deadbeat sister nicked her charger too! Let me know if I can be any use, O.

Cragen on the other hand, had sent a much simpler message: How bad is it?

He responded to Olivia's first: She knows shes got a team, whether she is ready to believe it I don't know. Ill say you said hi , F x

To Cragen, he didn't know what he could say to describe the last few hours, where he had seen perhaps more of true Amanda than anyone else had ever seen.

Eventually he decided it could not be put down in words.

Its bad boss, call me when you can.

It was a few hours before Amanda woke up, blearily coming into the lounge where Fin was sat in front of the TV. She sat down next to Fin, obviously seeking some comfort from her partner in proximity.

"Fin… " she said quietly…"Can you take me to a meeting tonight? Its just…I know its stupid…. But I don't trust myself to stay right now, not without someone there…" Amanda tailed off. Not realising she had finished what she was asking, Fin remained quiet.

"I'm sorry, I know you've probably got stuff you wanna do. I guess I'll just need to try harder tonight than normal."

"Barbie Girl," Amanda turned her face to look at him. "You don't even need to ask," Fin responded, and pulled Amanda into a side hug, and Amanda accepted leaning into her partner. "Now, I was thinking. You need to get yourself together, and I bet you could do it super fast without having to pay rent on a place, now Kens all moved out with his partner, I got a spare room going here. It would save you refurbishing a place, we'd just need to get you some new clothes and all. You could serve notice on your flat now, its still before five, and I bet you could get away with 2 weeks notice as you've had such little time there."

"But… you want me living with you?" Amanda had sat up and was looking at Fin.

"Your good company 'Manda, you need to sort some stuff out and its quiet here at night. It'd be nice to have someone to share the housework with from time to time, and I know what a neat freak you are!" Fin said, hoping to get a smile from her.

"I don't want charity Fin, I've never wanted charity. I got myself into this mess, I should get myself out."

"'Manda, this aint about charity. I want to help you out. Sometimes the quickest was out of a hole is to accept a helping hand out of one! I meant what I said too. It's quiet here, too quiet. It would do us both some good to live with someone again I think. I need someone to drag me out on a day off, so I don't just hide away and forget about how shit the world can be on my weekends!" Fin paused.

"But if you need time so think 'manda, I'll understand. But 20 large would clear a lot quicker without paying 12 large a year in rent!"

"You really want me to live here Fin? You won't change your mind a month down the line when you realise how fucked up I am at the moment. I couldn't deal with that Fin, I couldn't…I won't be easy to live with Fin, I won't be easy at all!"

"I've never been more sure of anything 'manda, honest I haven't. You know I'm not a liar"

"Okay." Amanda says, smiling at her partner, another tear rolling down my face. "I still don't get why you crazy old man, but if you're sure, then okay, I'd love too."

Fin pulled her back into the side hug, and she pulled her feet up onto the sofa and dropped her head onto Fins side. Fin kept his arm around her, but flicked the TV on.

"What do you wanna watch?" Fin asked.

"Something happy or interesting. You choose, but not scary" Amanda responded.

Fin flicked through the TV channels and eventually settled on a programme about ancient Egypt, which was pretty cool and quite interesting. Fin was normally into Sports or Horror films, but somehow didn't think his stereotypical southern Barbie girl would want to watch the football, and as she said no scary, he definitely had to honour that. He ended up really enjoying the documentary. As it finished, Amanda really quietly said something. He did manage to make it out.

"I started gambling to reward myself for not self-harming, you know."

Amanda stayed leaning against Fin, so he rubbed her arm soothingly to see if she would continue.

"That's why I have been struggling so much recently. I can't gamble, and I can't cut if I want to keep my job. I've been worried for the longest time I'll end up turning to the bottle you know, but even already I've seen so many great Police Officers ruined by drink, that gambling just seems so less harmful that at times I question If I want to stop…. because If I do, will I just end up an alcoholic or something worse? If I swapped being a harm-addict for a gambling addict, what's to say I won't just carry on swapping addictions until there is nothing left to be addicted too. That's what I am going to say at GA tonight. I've never shared anything before Fin, I've just sat there and listened. I think…I think tonight's the night I want to share Fin. I feel like this is rock bottom Fin, I don't know how much more I can cope with."

Fin kept rubbing her arm in circles, in part to draw this young woman closer to him to try and show he cared, and in part because he was lost for words and didn't know how to respond for the best. Olivia, out of all the people in the squad was the person who did this sort of thing best. Fin at that moment, questioned whether he should even be there. He felt like a fraud trying to show so love and parenting to his partner, when he knew he had failed so miserably to provide adequate care to his own child. But, Fin mused, in light of Amandas parenting, Fins vacant style of being a dad to Ken would probably win parent of the year award.

"Well…." Fin started, "Even if you decide against telling everyone at the meeting 'mandy, I'm proud of you for telling me that. I don't think you'll end up a drunk 'Mandy, I really don't. If you quit self-harm, even if it wasn't in the healthiest way, I think that shows you have more will-power than you believe you do."

"Do you… do you want to see my scars?" Amanda stammered out, sitting up to look at Fin.

"If you want to show me Amanda," Fin responded seriously, "Only if you want to show me."

Amanda nodded, and responded, "I think I do." She shrugged off her cardi, and lifted her cami top up to reveal arms and a belly layered with white lines, some very faded, a few slightly red, some keloid scars but most flat. Amanda shivered.

"I'm so ugly Fin," she said, looking down at her belly, rubbing her tummy akwardly, slowly feeling where the deepest scars had been. "Such a mess of a human being. Its why I fucked things up with Nick you know. We were getting too close and it would have gone… well, you know where it would have gone, and I couldn't have that. I couldn't handle someone else knowing how fucked up I am Fin."

"Barbie…" Fin tried to start.

"Theres more Fin," Amanda said more boldy. It was as if with every piece of information about herself shared, she had become a little bolder. She had not been rejected with the small pieces of information so she tried to make herself more weird and disgusting to see when the rejection would happen. Amanda stood up and unbuttoned her trousers. They fell to the floor, and Amanda stood there in her bra and knickers, shivering slightly.

"Look at me Fin, just look at what an Ugly, retarded fuck up I am!" Fin could see that this was where the deepest scars were. They were older too, but far deeper. Whereas on Amanda's belly there had been one or two keloid scars, many more of these had that raised, shiny appearance of a wound too deep for the body to repair from. Fin even made out the word Ugly dug into her skin.

Fin pulled a throw off the sofa and wrapped the now shivering Amanda in it to try and maintain her dignity.

"I don't think your Ugly 'Mandy, and I don't think you're a fuck up. You've been through some shit 'Mandy, but all these show is you survived. They're something to be pround of 'Mandy. Any man that thinks they make you ugly, is not a man you need in your life 'Mandy, trust me on that. I know I've not known Nick long, but I can guess our little choir boy would tell you the same thing too, when you feel ready to show him."

"I'm sorry Fin," Amanda murmered, "Can we watch TV now."

"Course we can Barbie-Girl, of Course." He pulled her into her side, and she curled up against him, shivering slightly. Together they put notice in on her flat, and made tea. Fin really believed they were getting somewhere, it had been a positive day.

So that night, Fin took Amanda to her meeting. She sat there trembling the whole time, he could tell she was trying to work up the courage to share. She started to speak at one point, but stopped herself, embarrassed. Silent tears rolled down her face, as the facilitator moved the topic swiftly on. Afterwards, an older lady came over to Amanda, and gave her a hug. Fin tried to hear what was going on but couldn't. He watched the lady tuck some hair behind Amanda's ear and smile at her in a motherly way. Fin smiled in relief. At least there was someone here looking out for her. Amanda was silent in the car on the way home, and had drifted off by the time Fin pulled back in the driveway.

Fin went to his door and lifted her out. It wasn't difficult, Amanda was only little, maybe 5 foot 2 at best, and weighed very little. He carried her upstairs, and for the second time in a matter of days, tucked his young partner into bed.

The next day proceeded fairly normally as far as Amanda and Fin were concerned. In fact, the week proceeded fairly normally. Amanda was on the ball, but quieter than normal. Generally, she seemed really with it. He had noticed she was spending a lot of time on her phone, but hadn't really thought much of it. For someone who rarely slept more than 2 or 3 hours without a nightmare though, he wasn't sure how she did it. Well, of course, copious amounts of really sugary latte drinks was mostly how. Her eating habits were worse than ever, her infamous sectioned tupperwear boxes were back with precisely measured and sliced salad items containing, as Fin saw it, no calories of any use. It wasn't just the nightmares that were concerning Fin though. It was the cold showers, that lasted 30 minutes to an hour, the finding Amanda in the bathroom completely blanked out and practically hypothermic, and taking her back to her room, it was the helping her get into clean, dry Pyjamas. It was what she said in her nightmares… "no… please don't… I'm sorry…" and always "don't touch me," and a scream before she woke up, covered in sweat, fists flying everywhere if Fin had been there trying to wake her up. On night 8 though, Fin snapped. Amanda had wet the bed in the grip of fear of this nightmare, which wasn't really the issue that was easily solvable. Amanda had managed (much to Fin's chagrin) to land a solid right hook on Fins eye, and they had some posh dinner engagement with people from Amanda's old Police Force, Atlanta, the next day.

Amanda realised what she'd done, ran out before Fin could stop her and locked herself in the bathroom.

"For fuck sake Amanda, you gotta start talking to me," he snapped through the door. "I can't help you if you just run every fucking time."

Fin paused. He needed to wipe the annoyance out of his voice. Big breath. Breath Fin, he said to himself, breath.

"Amanda, I wanna help you"

"Go away Fin…" He heard her sob through the door.

"I wanna help you Manda, you gotta let me in this door"

"I can't" was all he managed to make out.

"You can Barbie, just pick yourself up and unlock the door."

The door clicked open. Amanda just stood there tears running down her face.

"I can't be helped Fin, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." She stood there swaying back and forth. It was then that he noticed a bottle of paracetamol in her hand. "I'm sorry Fin,"

"Amanda… what have you done?" He shook her shoulders urgently.

"I wanted to, I really did… but what if it didn't work and I had to fucking live with it. What if it didn't work Fin?"

"You're being honest Amanda, you've not taken anything? Swear to me Amanda,"

"What if it didn't work? I wanted to Fin, I wanted to do it so bad…." was all she mumbled back. "I've sucked at everything else so far, figures I'd get the dosage wrong or something."

Fin let go of the breath he was holding and grabbed her to stop her from falling to the ground. He managed to manoeuvre her in the direction of the shower.

"Fin, please help me. I'm so tired, I don't want to be stood here in my own fucking piss."

Fin began stripping Amanda down as gently as he could. It was like undressing a small child. She was able to move her arms and her feet that was it. He turned the shower on and rinsed her off. Wrapping her in a big, fluffy towel, he maneuverer her out of the shower and into the lounge, realising he needed to change her sheets. He sat her down and went to leave the room.

"Don't go Fin. Don't leave me."

Fins heart broke.

"I ain't leaving Amanda" he said, kneeling down to try and look her in the eye. "I ain't leaving, just going to change your sheets so we can get you back to bed is all."

"No, I mean tomorrow Fin. Don't leave me alone with him, with any of them, but especially not him… please."

"With who Manda?"

"Patton and his cronies," she said, tears running down her face. She raised up her arms and Fin gave her a massive hug. She clung onto him, as someone would cling onto a ring if they were drowning, and perhaps she was drowning in a sea of terror, despair and hopelessness.