I pull the record out of it's cardboard sleeve, there's a little dust on
it, which I carefully blow off. I open the lid of the record player, and
place my record carefully over the little spike thing in the middle. I pull
the needle from it's position at the side and place it in the groove. And
the song starts to play. I turn the volume down, so quite that I can only
just hear it.
"Now I know, you've been cheatin' and lyin' all the time. I didn't know you were gonna be so unkind. I've been trying just to find out how we went wrong. But I know that I can't trust you girl anymore"
I whisper along to the first verse, I'm so scared of what my mom might do if she hears me playing rock music after I'm supposed to be in bed. The chorus plays and I get up from where I've been crouched on the floor next to my record player. I bought it for $10 at a garage sale, mom doesn't know I have it, were all supposed to just use the one in Bonnie and Mary's room, the idea of more than one record player is too much for her. She's very much against most music, especially what I like.
I'm dancing, my head bobbing, my arms raised high, swinging in the air. I catch sight of myself in the mirror, flowery nightie that reaches down past my knees. My clothes are so boring, and even in tops that conceal any hint of cleavage and cover my shoulders my mom insists I wear a shirt over them.
"Rip it out, take my heart. She wanted it from the start. She got it now, so goodbye. So rip it out, watch me cry. Rip it out, rip it out, rip it out."
The lyrics slowly fade away and I stop the music. I consider going out onto the roof to smoke but it's too risky, mom's probably still awake and she probably heard something and is going to come and check on me "Lux sweetie, what are you doing out of bed?" if only she knew, everything. But then I'm sure I'd have to go like Cecilia did. Because the things that keep me sane are very non-Catholic things, the kind of things no one expects one of the Lisbon girls to be doing. The kind of things that mom would never let happen if she knew about, but I'd love to see her face when she found out.
"Now I know, you've been cheatin' and lyin' all the time. I didn't know you were gonna be so unkind. I've been trying just to find out how we went wrong. But I know that I can't trust you girl anymore"
I whisper along to the first verse, I'm so scared of what my mom might do if she hears me playing rock music after I'm supposed to be in bed. The chorus plays and I get up from where I've been crouched on the floor next to my record player. I bought it for $10 at a garage sale, mom doesn't know I have it, were all supposed to just use the one in Bonnie and Mary's room, the idea of more than one record player is too much for her. She's very much against most music, especially what I like.
I'm dancing, my head bobbing, my arms raised high, swinging in the air. I catch sight of myself in the mirror, flowery nightie that reaches down past my knees. My clothes are so boring, and even in tops that conceal any hint of cleavage and cover my shoulders my mom insists I wear a shirt over them.
"Rip it out, take my heart. She wanted it from the start. She got it now, so goodbye. So rip it out, watch me cry. Rip it out, rip it out, rip it out."
The lyrics slowly fade away and I stop the music. I consider going out onto the roof to smoke but it's too risky, mom's probably still awake and she probably heard something and is going to come and check on me "Lux sweetie, what are you doing out of bed?" if only she knew, everything. But then I'm sure I'd have to go like Cecilia did. Because the things that keep me sane are very non-Catholic things, the kind of things no one expects one of the Lisbon girls to be doing. The kind of things that mom would never let happen if she knew about, but I'd love to see her face when she found out.