Peeta's POV
I wait anxiously in my room for her return while watching the clock's hands tick, mockingly slow. After the Quarter Quell finished and the Capitol captured Katniss, I was certain that my life was over. I was absolutely ready to throw myself off a cliff, send a bullet through my head, or poison my own food; whatever it took to get my mind off the numbing pain. Just the thought that Katniss was off somewhere in the Capitol being tortured, screaming for my help and there was nothing that I could do to stop it would send me into a frenzy. I had to be on medication constantly, antidepressants for the most part, and I was sedated at least twice for trying to steal equipment and run off to the Capitol. I would point a gun at whoever was in my way. I know everyone says that I have gone crazy, that the "real Peeta" would never do that and how I have such a kind heart and on, and on, and on, but it makes me so mad. My heart is broken and only one person can fix it.
"She's going to wake up soon and I think it would be good if you were there." I was startled from my trance by Haymitch's sudden interruption. Immediately all my senses were acute, because she was here in District 13. Katniss, the only girl I've ever loved, is alive! Everything is going to be okay, and just the thought of holding her in my arms again made my heart fly. The last time I felt this good was on the beach in the Quarter Quell, but that memory seemed so far away. It was one of those times when I had felt that pull from Katniss; I saw the sparkle in her eyes and wondered if maybe she could love me back, even a fraction as much I love her.
I sprinted though the halls, arriving at the elevator just as it closed. I tapped my foot impatiently; time was just not on my side today. I started drumming my fingers on the wall, calculating the seconds until I would see her face again.
"Where's the fire?" Finnick asked jokingly as he joined me at the elevator. It was the first time in weeks he seemed sane. Like most victors, Finnick had been broken by the Games. Well, President Snow to be more exact. He had gone a little crazy since we had been brought to District 13. People were saying that he was even crazier than I was. Knots. He always tied knots. I had tried that too, but the thread reminded me of the ribbons Katniss would every so often wear in her hair. That thought led to me thinking about how beautiful she looked when she smiled, or the way the sun shone through her hair. I would tense up as I thought about how I might never see her again. Then, suddenly, I wouldn't be able to bear to be anywhere near that harmless little piece of thread.
But everything is okay now. Katniss was here. Maybe I would finally be able to tie some knots.
I realized that I'd gone off in my own world again when I saw that Finnick had answered my blank stare with a questioning smirk. His old teasing self showing for the first time in ages, so I guess that Katniss' return brought everyone a bit of hope.
"AHH, I can't stand waiting… maybe I'll take the stairs," I mumbled, completely serious.
"Patience," Finnick reminded me, as he placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me a warm smile. That was a rare gesture for him lately.
As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and we both got in. I hit the button for the hospital floor excitedly and started humming to myself.
As the doors to the elevator opened, I saw a throng of doctors waiting for us. A doctor from the hospital ward began telling me what to expect from Katniss for probably the millionth time. "Now Peeta, she is very sick, but you mustn't panic. Her condition is steady and she's healing well." Now I understand they want me to be prepared for when I see her, but honestly, I couldn't care less what she looked like. Heck, if she was contagious, I want whatever she's spreading around just so that I could spend time with her.
As I walk in to the emergency care unit, I see her slender form resting in a small cot on the far wall in an isolated corner. Many people surround her, but all I see is a lot of unfamiliar faces. Mostly doctors, I'm guessing, and it makes me nervous, despite what the doctor at the elevator had said. Would they have been completely honest with me? How bad was she really? I pick out Haymitch and Beetee's faces in the crowd. They see my panic stricken expression and give me encouraging nods. Well Haymitch's was more of a sarcastic shrug, but that was to be expected.
As I approach the corner, I can see that she's sleeping peacefully. My heart melts. I have been waiting so long for this moment.
When I approach Katniss, everyone around her steps away, leaving me to look down upon her.
Rather than disturbing her rest, I decide to make sure that she wasn't beaten too badly. I notice she has some scars on her face and arms, every inch of her body is covered in bruises and she has lost a lot of weight, but other than that, she seemed okay. So a least for the time being, my world will remain intact.
"Peeta," She grumbles as her eyelids flutter open. I rush to her side immediately.
"I'm right here," I whispered. She sat up and looked me straight in the eyes, but instead of the happy welcome I was expecting, they were filled with hate and anger.
"I want to kill you," she stated simply.
I was sure that my heart would explode of all my mixed emotions. I was rejected, angry, sad and heartbroken. What had the Capitol done to her? She was my life.
"I want to kill you?" She said again, more to herself then to me. She was blinking rapidly and looking around. "Why do I want to kill you?" She screamed.
"I – I don't understand," was the only answer I could form. I crunched my eyebrows together and cocked my head to the side.
She looked at me with softer eyes this time, only to have them harden over again. "You need to leave," she said. Before I could even process her words, she continued. "Peeta, I don't want to kill you, so leave before I do." She bowed her head and clasped her hands together.
I started to back away, because what else could I do? I watched her all the way to the doors of the hospital. She looked fierce, but I could see the sadness in her eyes.
I walked back to the elevator doors with Finnick trailing behind me. Since we weren't talking, I had some time to think about what had just happened. There were only a few things that I could sort out in my head.
Firstly, Katniss wanted to kill me. Next, the Capitol tortured her, messed with her mind and that killed me inside. Lastly, I wished that it was me sitting on that cot, and not her because there is no way I could ever want to kill Katniss.
When I put these thoughts together, I found that my thoughts weren't really all that complicated. It was me: I was the problem.
If I hadn't professed my love for Katniss, the game makers never would have played the whole "two victors game" with us, and she would have been the only victor. Like it was suppose to be, like it has been every other year, like every other person in the hunger games had done. But no, instead I had to go ahead and caused an uprising against the Capitol, like I was special, like I deserved to live, like I deserved Katniss.
But I was wrong, so, why couldn't I have died in the Hunger Games like I should have?