The Diary of Andy Bernard: Episode I:

by Richard Javier Martinez

From the pages of Andy's diary.

The Diary of Andy Bernard

Inspired by Andy Bernard and Erin Hannon

---

"Oh. This is awkward." was the first thing I said to you. Then I started dancing and you joined in. You danced away.

I briefly talked to Dwight. I scoffed, but the idea intrigued me. I thought I would be a better wingman than a boyfriend.

I started playing the banjo to impress you. You said, "Wow." I started playing again. I started singing. You listened for a little bit then you left again.

We talked about sign language.

I talked to Jim. He told me I will find someone.

"Damn it!" I yelled before I walked into the kitchen. "Where is my "Andy" mug?"

"What's wrong?" you asked. I looked at you.

"Two things. Can't find my "Andy" mug, and I lost another client to the Michael Scott Paper Company."

"Tell me about it, I lost two this week," Phyllis said.

You were holding up the mug you were drinking from. "I'm sorry, I thought it was a cute mug." You showed me the mug. I saw my face. "You're making a funny expression."

"Oh." In an English accent, "Then I decree that you, Lady Erin of Reception, enjoy the "Andy" mug." Regular voice, "I'm really just mad about losing a client." I looked at the other mugs. I picked a mug. "Sorry, this is really bothering me."

I poured it from one mug to the other. "Oh." I poured some coffee in my "Andy" mug and I walked out.

I tried to get close to you that we could talk. "You're doing great, by the way."

I was smiling when you scored a point by yourself.

"Get your beautiful head in the game." I hope you took that as compliment. Also I hope you smiled after I told you that.

I was hoping you would sit in the front seat that we could talk. You're really sweet and cute.

I was shocked when I found out Kevin switched cards with you.

Sitting next to you in the church, and we talked. That was really nice of you to give me the cloth for me to sit on.

I was talking to Pam. We were talking about relationships. I made the decision to start dating. Hopefully you.

We were sitting in the break room. Kelly said, "You guys, what if this is our last day at work?" I looked at you.

I like you, Erin. There, I said it.

I was hoping you would have asked me out. But it looks like if I need to take matters into my own hands.

"Where to sit? Where . . . Which chair?" I struggled. I turned to look at you as you walked in. "Analysis paralysis." You sat down. "Bingo!" I sat on the chair next to you.

I made the decision to ask you out the first chance I get. When we were in the kitchen, I was still in character when I asked you out on a date. When you accepted, I was excited.

I was worried that you might have not taken the date seriously when you accepted other dates in character.

I try to justify to you about the whole date since we portrayed "siblings" in the game.

I went to your desk to double check on our date. I was pretending to be stiff. I crashed into your desk. You giggled. "I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. So funny. The guy's dead the whole time."

"I haven't seen it."

"Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?"

You turned into character. "Of course, Nathaniel."

"Okay."

"Where are you taking me?"

I turned into character. "Well . . . The finest steakhouse in all of Savannah."

"Savannah? That's a far away from Scranton."

"Did you mean a real date?" I asked.

"No," you said. "Did you?"

"Totally not." I wanted to say, "Totally." I was tapping the card as you walked away.

I begged Jim and Dwight to give me you for Secret Santa. I decided to give you the Twelve Days of Christmas. I was at your desk. I showed you a lifetime scar of mine. "Does it hurt?"

"It stings a lot. I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts."

"I know, right?"

"So far no one will admit to it. Is it you?"

I chuckled. I thought about answering honestly. "Yeah! Totally. I admit it. It's me."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously?"

"Is what . . . Is it you?"

"Are you serious?"

"When you're . . ."

"I don't . . . Are you . . ."

"Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying . . ."

"Are you asking . . ."

"I'm saying, are . . ."

"I don't . . ."

"It's you . . . No . . ."

"Is it . . . Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your Secret Santa. Busted!" You shook your head in disbelief.

I found Phyllis alone in the break room. I asked her not to reveal to you that I'm your Secret Santa. Because of the pain I caused you.

Michael revealed that I was your Secret Santa. I saw you looking at me. I avoided you for a bit. I couldn't take it anymore. I walked over to your desk. "I thought that you would like it."

"It was a little much, Andy."

"Well, it's the thought that counts."

"What were you thinking?"

I had nothing. I just stood there and thought. I thought about it. I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel at this point. Guess what. Not going to happen. I like you too much.

At the end of the day when we went outside, I had the twelve drummers drumming. I went in front of them with clash cymbals. I knocked them together to introduce the drummers. "Merry Christmas, Erin. Take it away, boys!" They started playing and I started dancing.

Playing guitar and singing with you was fun.

We wanted to make a shake. I was looking for strawberries. You were getting the shake ready.

The ball is your court for the date after the drum line.

I walked over to your desk. "Hey, any fun weekend plans?"

"No. You?"

"No, actually." I paused. "So, nothing? No movies or parties or anything you might want to invite someone to?"

"Nothing. It's wide open."

"Okay." I walked away. That's as hard as I can hint for a date.

Jo's dogs came at me. You were smiling and I let them be.

Valentine's Day was right around the corner. You and I have been on zero dates. So I got you a Valentine's Day card. But I didn't want to seem too eager, so I got everyone a card to dilute it a bit.

I needed a small window to interact with you. I saw you walking over. I got in your way. We started playing "Traffic Jam". "I got you a Valentine's Day card." You were surprised when I gave it to you.

It was weird when Kelly kissed me on my cheek. Then Meredith grossed me out. I looked at you. You looked away from me.

I wanted to explain the Valentine's Day cards, but I needed to wait until you left. When you did, I explained then Kelly put me on the spot. "I like someone else." I wanted to say you, but I had to make up the fake girlfriend story. I was stuttering and mumbling. When you walked away, I didn't know what to do.

We started comparing things we liked.

As I sat there looking at you as you recited the 11 Triple Crown-winning horses. "Erin, come on, you could do this."

I'm going to ask you. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom and I'd like the moon to be visible.

I followed you and Kevin to the break room. I was hiding behind a plant outside. I was jealous that you and Kevin might have hit it off. Then I was eavesdropping on you and Kevin while you were talking in accounting. I hit my head as I try to get away. Then I left.

I made up a fake fax. I wrote, "Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy". I walked over. "Erin, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm gonna stand here and wait for the confirmation." Put it on the desktop.

"Okay. Good." You took it and put it in the machine. "It's busy. Why don't I keep trying and then I'll give the confirmation in a bit?"

"Sorry. That's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately or you're fired."

You shook your head. "You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong." You started crying. "I've been having a tough day."

I walked over to you. "Oh, God, no. Um . . . Just read the fax."

"You read the fax."

I picked it up and showed it to you. I handed it to you. "I'm asking you out."

You laughed. "Oh, my God. That's amazing!" We both chuckled a little. "Let me just fax this and I'll check my planner." You walked over to your planner and opened it up.

"So, it's a date?" I asked. I walked over.

"Yes! Do you have a date in mind?"

"Yeah, what day? What day?"

"Every day is fine."

"What's that one?" I pointed.

"Thursday?"

"Okay. Let's do it."

You chuckled. "We . . . Okay!"

You and I have our first date tonight and it has to be perfect.

I was on the phone to the restaurant. "And one more thing. It's a date, actually, so if you could just make sure we're in your ugliest waiter's section, that'll be great. Well, I mean, I'm, like, a five, so the waiter should be a three or four. You know what I mean. Just do it."

I was looking at you as you came out of the conference room. I smiled. You should go home, I thought. We'll go on a date next week. You're still going to like me in a week, right?

You waved to me as you left. I waved bye to you.

I thought how can I get out of here and get to you. I'll fake being sick. I went to Jo and started coughing. She thought I was sick and allowed me to leave.

I thought I would surprise you and still do our date. Well as much as we can have a date. I went to your house. You were surprised to see me on the other side of the door. "You look amazing." I meant it. You let me in. Sitting next to you holding hands was great. I was surprised to see your brother. He took my seat. I liked sitting next to you.

I felt it was time for me and our date to end. I stood up and got my stuff. We went over to the door. I opened the door. "Oh." I turned around. "It's coming down out there."

"Yes." You paused. "Thank you for coming all the way here."

"No, no. My pleasure."

"I'm sorry I was so sick."

I wanted to kiss you. I couldn't think of anything to say. You looked at me. Your brother briefly caught my attention. I looked back at you. We both chuckled. You leaned over and kissed my cheek. That felt right. I laughed. "Great. Now I'm gonna get sick." You laughed. "Good night, Erin." I left.

I walked over to your desk. You were smiling. "Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman."

"Yeah. I basically wished you were dead." I kept smiling. You whispered, "I hid the leads."

"Where?"

You shook your head and zipped your lip. I walked away. "Colder." I walked the other way. "Colder." I walked to you. "Warmer." I got closer. "Warmer." I was looking at files. "Colder. Colder." I turned around. "Warmer." I got closer to you. "Warmer. Warmer!" I had my hands a couple of inches away from me. "Hot! Hotter. Burning hot! Lower."

"Are you . . ." My hands were around . . .

"Lower."

"Are you sure?"

"Lower." You tilted your head towards the keyboard. You picked up the keyboard and showed the lead. I nervously scratch my head.

I picked up the lead. "Thanks, Erin." You smiled.

I found you in the kitchen washing a mug. "Hola."

"What? What?"

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Oh, man. Do you have any more of those awesome leads?"

"Did somebody close all their deals?"

"Yeah. Actually, a lot of those guys did. My leads are still thinking about it."

"I wish I had more leads to give you."

"I know. Shoot!"

"Darn!"

"Phooey."

"What?"

We were looking for the leads in the dump. "It's freezing out here."

"Yeah! I have warm blood." You took off your jacket.

"Oh, wow. Oh. Thank you." You put your jacket on me. You were rubbing my arms. "You're the nicest person I've ever met." You smiled. Put my hands around your waist and leaned to you. We kissed. We parted. "Ra-da-dit-di-doo." You smiled.

I had to make sure you were going to the happy hour. I walked over with a fax. "Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto." Put it on the desktop. I whispered, "Are you going later?"

You whispered back, "Sure, if you are."

I whispered, "Yes."

We went back to regular voices. "Talk to me that way again and I'll cut your face off."

"Whoa!"

I'm glad we started our romantic relationship. We just need to keep the drama out of it.

We paused at the entrance. "Okay. You go on in. I'll see you in two minutes." You gave me an adorable wink. I waited for two minutes then I went in and found you.

I admit I was losing it a little with the drama that was going on. We talked in a photo booth.

I was sitting alone and looking at the photo booth pictures. The photo booth pictures are not what I want our relationship to look like. When I went over to the microphone and announced to everyone there, "Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you." We met up again and I was happy to acknowledge that I do like drama after all.

It's our three week anniversary. I thought it was going well until you hit me in the face with the piece of cake. You avoided me for awhile. I needed to explain. You told me you needed to be alone, my heart was breaking. I should have told you everything about me. As I watched from a distance, I heard you laughing with Michael. At least you had a better day talking to him.

I wrote this letter for you. I had in my hand all day. I was waiting for a chance to talk to you alone. I saw you sitting in the kitchen. I walked in. I sat down. "Erin, I've uncovered something pretty big. If anything happens to me, I want you to read this letter." I raised it to you. "This has every feeling I've ever felt, everything I've ever wanted to say but I haven't had the courage to say to you It's all in this letter." You nodded and took the letter. "But, and I can't emphasize this enough, if nothing happens to me, then don't read it."

"Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"I think I am, yeah. It's some heavy . . . It's some heavy stuff." Creed and Gabe walked in. I stood up and left. I don't know what you did with the letter. There's a part of me who hopes you read it. But tell me when you are ready.

I stood up on my desk to get my bag out of the ceiling. "Andy?" I heard.

Looked down and saw you. "Hey."

"I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press." You reached out and gently touch me.

I got my bag. I got down. "Thanks. Yeah, you know." I grabbed my jacket. "Just seemed like the right thing to do."

"Yeah." I started walking to the door. I was smiling the whole way.

I don't know how I feel about Gabe stealing you from me. I see a humpback whale eating Gabe, that's for sure.

I got two comp tickets for you to attend my play. "Two comps for milady and her Gabe." Put them on the desktop. "It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness Pageant."

"I am so excited, but I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry."

"What?" You passed over the ticket.

"Yeah."

I was relieved. "That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy."

"Oh, who else is going?"

"Everyone."

"Gabe seemed to think no one was going."

"What kind of terrible rumormonger is Gabe? He is woefully ill informed, all right?" I tried to get everyone to go. I got them.

Gabe isn't coming. That's huge. I'm going to make you fall back in love with me tonight.

I saw everyone in the lobby. But I didn't see you. "You all made it. Thank you so much."

"You should actually thank Erin. She's the one who agreed to babysit."

"She's babysitting?" I was disenchanted when I heard the news.

I understood it's a huge opportunity for you to babysit.

I was sitting on the floor backstage thinking about you. My costar came over and asked me if you were going to come. I told them that you weren't coming tonight.

I preformed in the play.

I was checking my phone as I waited to get back on stage. To see if I got any last minute "break-a-legs" or "I-still-love-you" type texts. I didn't get any. I put my phone in my pocket. I went back on stage. My phone started ringing. I went through the play.

I was elated when I saw you in the back of the theater.

I did my bow and when I stood up right, I saw you smiling and clapping.

We met up after the show at the cast party. "I can't believe you actually made it."

"I know. I wish I'd seem more than just your curtsy at the end. But that was amazing."

"Hey, do you want a tour of the stage?"

"Yes! But does it cost much? Jim and Pam kind of stiffed me."

"No, it's free. Come on." We went to the stage.

We went to the barber chair. You sat down. I was holding the prop razor. "Are you ready?"

You were acting scared. "I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!"

Make believe killing you. We yelled. You had a red cloth hiding in your hands. You tossed it in the air. You laughed. "Blood everywhere."

"Oh, no." You close your eyes. We looked at one another. "I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work."

"Yeah, me, too."

"Okay, I kill you now."

"Okay." I handed you the prop razor.

"All right." We switched places.

We went to the seats where your seat would have been. "This would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lot of people think it would be the front row, but, actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge and the sound just, like, nails you right here."

"This is awesome." Your phone rang. "Oh. Sorry." You picked up your phone.

"Oh."

"Oh. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone." I started feeling awkward listening talking to him. "Sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I'll see you soup." You hung up the phone. "Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This was so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time, I'll be there." You pointed to the chair where you were just sitting from. "Or here. Right here, I promise."

"Awesome."

"Okay."

"See you later."

"Thank you." You walked away. I looked back at the stage.

I was sitting on the steps of the barber chair piece. I heard Phyllis say, "Found him." I looked over. Phyllis and Michael walked over.

"Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." The crowd of coworkers appeared. They picked me up from that pain you gave me as you walked away.

I sang "I Try". As I sang it, I was thinking of you. I had hoped you would have stayed longer and talked more to me.

When Gabe asked me if it was okay for him to ask you out, he asked me so politely and it's goes against my character to say no. I regret saying "My good sir, nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.".

Darryl gave me the best advice, "It's all about heart and character. Be your best self." I agreed to it.

I tried to close to you again doing the pumpkin pass game. Gabe cut in front of me. I couldn't get to you.

You said you wish you had a job that you could just leave. I decided to it. "Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!" I said, before I ran onto the bus. After I got on, I looked at you and you waved at me. I felt a pain inside of me.

When you said, "I'd love it if you were there."

I was touched. "You would?"

"You and Michael are always the life of the party." I sighed. I had to make a quick decision.

"Try and keep me from coming." We laughed.

I picked up the powdered seahorse and poured it into my wine. I drank the wine.

I saw you walk to the door. I pulled out my phone and said, "Hello, UPS, still waiting on that five minutes with Erin I ordered." You smiled. "Oh, never mind, it's here. Well, if it isn't the belle of the ball. You throw a lovely party, milady."

"Are you having a good time?"

"Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?"

"Andy, you look awful."

"You're four seasons in a day." I started feeling sick. "You got the autumn thing going on. But if you put on baby . . . But if you put on a blue . . . It's springtime in the Rockies."

"Are you alright?"

"No." I rushed off.

I was clutching a pillow sitting on a bed, feeling sick.

I was in the bathroom when Gabe found me. He played me one of his songs to make me feel better.

You gave me a Christmas card. I laughed after I read it. I looked at you and you were smiling.

I was making a copy and I heard, "Pssst! Pssst!" Saw you wavering me down. I walked over.

"What's up?"

"Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?"

"Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing."

"Okay."

"But if this is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably . . ."

"Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend, I have Gabe. This is just as friends."

"Well, okay then."

"Yes!"

"At least until Stanley calms down."

"Oh, is he . . ." You were trying to look.

I was stammering. "Don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku."

"Andy."

We set the board on the small table and started putting it together. "So, tell me about your new girlfriend."

"She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there."

"Oh, cute."

"Hey, look at that. Done."

"That's Gabe's boom box. Come on, we have to go find it."

"I wish you well on your quest."

"No, come on."

"I mean . . ."

"Come on!" You growled.

"Okay." We left the reception area in search for the boom box.

We searched all over. "We haven't try Darryl's office." We walked over. "Don't mind us. You keep working."

"Okay, I'll keep working," Darryl said.

You pointed out the boom box and I gasped. "Oh, my God. It's a song."

I whispered, "Whoa." We knelt down.

"What do you think is on it?"

"We should actually probably talk about it outside, or we might make Darryl mad."

"Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us."

"I think he's just being nice."

"That makes sense 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level. Darryl?"

"Darryl is a jerk."

"No, he's not."

"No, I'm just testing if he can hear."

"I can hear you."

"Okay."

"Oh."

"Then no more talking. Let's just play the song." You pressed the play button. "The temp at night." It was repeating.

"Temp at night? What do you . . ."

"You got it. Pick it up. Take it out."

"Pick?"

"Pick it up."

"Okay."

"Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up." I picked up the boom box. "Pick it up. Take it out."

"Right. Okay." We left. I turned off the boom box and set it down. We went to Ryan's closet. You opened the door. We walked in. "Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night?"

You looked at your watch. "I guess we just have to wait until night and see."

I looked at the light switch. "Oh." I closed the door. "Or maybe not." I turned off the lights.

You gasped. We saw glow in the dark stars on the walls. "Oh. Cool."

"How romantic is this?"

"Super romantic."

"Right? Do you see a clue or . . ."

"Did you not see it?" You pointed to the clue. "Eat at Hanks".

I turned around. "Oh, my gosh."

"Hanks."

We rushed out and bumped into Pam and Jim. "Hey. No time to chat!"

"Sorry." We ran to Hanks.

We made it to Hanks. You saw the sign. You rang the bell. "One Erin special, please."

Hank pulled out a bottle of sparkling cider and a glass. "Here's your bottle of sparkling cider." We laughed.

"That's my favorite."

"I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mid-hunt break, and look for a heart or some [shit] in the break room when you're through." I nodded.

We both ordered blueberry muffins. I asked Hank for a cup. He gave them to us. "Thanks, Hank." We sat down. I opened the bottle and poured some into your glass. I poured some into the cup. You started picking at the muffin. "People are so worried that we are gonna run out of fresh water. I'm not. You know, I just feel like we're gonna figure it out."

"I know, me too. I have faith in the President and the Congress and everyone."

"Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

"Both."

"How does that work?"

"I don't know. I just joined both parties. I really like them both."

"That's so funny, I always wish I could vote for both candidates." I did my growl.

"I know, it's like . . ." You did your version. I smiled. "They made it that far. They're obviously gonna do a great job."

"Yeah, they're gonna be great."

"Oh, my gosh, okay. You are gonna love this story. So, last Saturday, Gabe took me wine tasting."

"You hate wine."

"I know, but I'm trying to learn to like it. So, anyway. So the wine guy opens a new bottle and he hands me the cork. And I don't know what to do."

"Well, yeah, I mean . . . Well, what did you do?"

"I didn't know what to do. So, I put it in my mouth."

I laughed. "What?"

"I know, I thought you were supposed to taste it."

"Oh, my gosh!" You nodded.

We finished the bottle and the muffins.

We went to the break room to find the heart. "Oh! There it is." You read the number. "B-9." You started putting the money in.

"B-9."

"Like benign tumor."

You pressed B-9. "Maybe it's just more like 'Be mine.'." You got the heart.

"Oh, yes. There's a note. 'A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss.'. Mmm."

"Mmm."

"So . . . We're supposed to . . . Hmm . . ."

I would have kissed you if I did the hunt. Gabe briefly caught my attention. I pointed it out to you. You turned around. We saw Gabe blow you a kiss. It was awkward for me to stand there and see that. I started walking away.

I had fun spending time with you.

I held the door open for you. I was going to say "Good night." to you, but Gabe kept talking. You walked with him. I walked to my car.

I was sitting next to you watching Michael's movie. We were sharing popcorn.

I was so proud of you that you won the Cutest Redhead in the Office award. I didn't know how I felt when you broke up with Gabe on the stage.

I was sitting when they were handing out the Dundies. I saw you at the copier. I stood up and went over to you. "Hey, what are you doing out here?"

"I was so mean to Gabe. I feel really bad and . . . I don't know, I refilled the machine to take my mind off stuff."

I had a quick thought. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you did . . . I mean, you did it all wrong, so . . ."

"No, I didn't."

"I'm afraid you did." I picked up the paper. "I need you to try it again." I put the paper on the copier. "I want you to do better this time." You put the paper back. "No." I shook my head. "Not even close." I took the paper out again. "Do it again. Focus." I saw that you were smiling a little. You put the paper back. I groaned.

"Almost?"

"Close."

"Andy. Erin," Oscar interrupted us. He waved us back to the conference room. We went in. I got my own Dundie. We started singing for Michael.

I was walking to the restroom minding my own business. Next thing I know Gabe's standing next to me. "Stay away from Erin."

"Hey."

"I'm your boss."

"Why don't you stay away from me?"

"No, I'm gonna stand where I want, okay? You don't want to get on my bad side. I've seen some horrible things. I own over 200 horror movies."

"Okay, that's so weird! Just go away!"

"No, you go away." Gabe stormed off. I stood there trying to make sense of it all.

It felt weird for me to go back to the annex. I had to get Deangelo's help for a sale. I looked at Gabe as I walked away. He was glaring at me. I walked out.

I found myself at your desk again. I told you a joke. We were laughing. "In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so . . ."

"Oh! Darryl's funny."

"I know, right?"

"Hey, Andy?" I heard.

I turned around. "Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?"

"Sure." We waved bye at one another. I walked over to the conference room. I walked in. Gabe walked in and closed the door. He closed the blinds. "What's going on?"

He faced me. "Are you still in love with Erin?"

"What?"

"Because I am." He started crying. "I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?"

"No, this is horrifying."

"No, I don't like being alone with me, either. Okay? I have to get Erin back. Are you still gonna date her?"

"We're just friends, okay?"

"Do you promise that?"

"Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?"

"No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying." We stayed in there for a few minutes. He calmed down a little. He opened the door and walked out. I went back to my desk.

I was bewildered when I saw Dwight wearing a gun and a holster. "Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable." He spun the gun around a foot away from me. A shot rang out. I screamed. "Ow! God!" You rushed over to my side. "It's so loud!" I was humming trying to hear myself. "There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't . . ." Sang again. "I can't find perfect C." Sang some more. "Something's definitely wrong." I paused. "I think I should go to the hospital."

"I'll go with you," you said.

I heard Gabe scream, "No!"

Darryl patted me on the back. "I'll take him."

"Thank you, Darryl." I stood up and started walking with him.

"What's wrong with you?"

"It's my ear."

"Yeah."

"Okay, sorry."

We went to the hospital. We went back to work. I walked in. "Hey. We're back." I bust my ear drum. I'm going to be deaf for a couple of weeks. I have temporary deafness in my right ear.

We were in the kitchen talking. "We have to clean this up, now."

"She had so much . . ."

I saw Gabe. "Hey, guys."

You turned around. "Hey."

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No." We both laughed.

"Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?"

You looked at me. "Uh . . ."

"I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that."

"Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying."

"No, I was not."

"And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics and my maternal instincts kicked in." You nodded. "Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is between me and my diary." I walked away.

Before I walked into the office, I put on a pin that reads, "Andy for Manager?". I put a poster advertising me for manager position. "It's good," you said. "It's just words, which will surprise people."

"Yeah. It's based on a really successful cigarette ad campaign a while back."

"Those were good ads."

"Yeah."

"They got me smoking when I was eight. I couldn't quit smoking until the government put better ads about not smoking." I nodded. "I love smoking. I really hope you get it."

"The manager job? No, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it, you know. It's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then in defeat, we show grace."

"Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair."

"Don't even . . ." I groaned.

"You in the boss's chair!"

"No." I picked up another poster and I walked away.

I was sitting at my desk. You dropped off a message for Phyllis. "Andy, how'd it go?"

"I don't want to brag, but . . . I did my best."

"Hello!"

"I forgot something in my car." I stood up and went to my car. I got in. I was unhappy by the confusing and the confrontational nature of the meeting. I wanted it to go better.

I walked out of the restroom fixing my belt. "Oh. Hey."

I looked up and saw you. "Hi. Hey."

"I realized I never paid you back for that lunch you paid for, like, a month ago."

"Yeah, don't worry about it."

"Well, it's money. I was thinking I could make dinner for you tonight, like a Middle Eastern feast. Chicken shawarmas, shish kebabs, pita with hummus."

"Well, I think I only lent you like $3. That would be so much more trouble. Just bring the money tomorrow. No big deal." I did a gangster voice, "Or else I'll break your legs."

"Not if I can help it." I walked out. I would have enjoyed that meal with you. But it didn't seem right.

I heard a squeal. I looked and saw a hand puppet. I saw Oscar talking to it. "Erin, what are you doing?"

"I've been turned into a puppet."

"Okay." Oscar walked away.

You chuckled.

Kevin walked over. "Look at the puppet. Hi, puppet. Who are you?"

"I went to drop off the FedEx forms, and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!" Kevin was chuckling.

"Yeah. Low blow, puppet."

"And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl. I need the most special thing in the office. A date with the best salesman, Andy Bernard!" Phyllis was smiling at me. I walked over.

"Hey, Erin." You stood up and made the cutest sound ever. "Where'd you learn how to puppet like that?"

You shrugged. "I've done it all my life."

"Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should." I walked away.

You're my best friend. I didn't have the same feeling that I had before. I thought about it. You're great. I don't know exactly how I feel about you now. I want to . . .

I stood up. "Uh, listen up." I cleared my throat. "Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There. I said it. I'm educated, I'm capable, I like all of you, and I won't make any changes."

"I see it." I looked at you. "I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of and facing and I'm liking."

"Yeah. Yeah," Phyllis said. "Andy would be wonderful as boss." I sat down. "Erin made a good point." Thank you for the support still, Erin.

Erin, I care about you. I like you a lot. I like it when we hang out. I like it when we talk. Erin, I . . .